By xenutja - 29/1/2021 13:02 - United States - Amery

Hate sex

Today, I found out why my boyfriend always has sex with me like he hates me. Turns out, he actually hates me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

848

You deserved it

115

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There's no helping some people

Bad news

Clean break

By Mark - United States - Knoxville

Today, I asked out a coworker I really like. She gave me a weird look and said, "You're not gay?" I said no, to which she said, "Well, I am". As it turns out, I was the only one who thought she was straight, and the only one who thought I was straight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3658

You deserved it

337

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By nowimbroketoo - Australia - Beaumaris

Today, the guy whose son I babysat for six hours straight confessed to being broke, then actually asked if he could pay me with sex instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57130

You deserved it

4336

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By BOO!

Today, my girlfriend was giving me head. When I came, she was scared of the "stuff" that came out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2069

You deserved it

358

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By Sayahh

Today, I pulled a muscle at work doing a cartwheel. I was doing the cartwheel to prove to one of my students that adults can do cartwheels too. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6550

You deserved it

3169

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By cousin of the groom

Today, I stood too fast, got dizzy, and fell over. I fell on the grandmother of the bride, pushing her into the wedding cake table. Cake ruined, grandmother in hospital for a broken arm, and everybody mad at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2767

You deserved it

658

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By sucks at sucking - United Kingdom - Bournemouth

Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. I went slowly to build up the excitement, and I thought it was working really well, until he sighed, "For fuck's sake, it's a dick, not a shotgun." and told me to stop embarrassing him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39697

You deserved it

9171

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By NoFriends - United States

Today, I was with my mom and my boyfriend at lunch. My phone rings and my mom excitedly says "You have friends!" As I'm about to answer it, she pulls out her phone from under the table and says "Kidding, it's just me." My boyfriend starts cracking up, and they exchange a high five. FML

I agree, your life sucks

69830

You deserved it

7528

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By MissCan'tKeepAJob - United States

Today, I work by myself at a retail store and I was bored so I called my boyfriend. I woke him up and he was feeling frisky, and as things were getting heated I started to moan and say dirty things. Until the entire rack of clothes fell over and revealed my boss hiding. He had a boner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22056

You deserved it

57244

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By lifesabitch2016 - United States - Moses Lake

Today, I explained to my dad that I had spent over three hours baking, frosting, and decorating a cake from scratch and how proud I was of it. Without even looking up at me, he replied, "You really need a boyfriend." FML

I agree, your life sucks

46424

You deserved it

5491

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By Anonymous - India

Today, while stuck in a traffic jam, my son silently changed my gear to reverse. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43827

You deserved it

7092

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By Sherlock - France

Today, my youngest son had to have stitches in his chin. He did great, I passed out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24447

You deserved it

7308

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By Heifer - United States

Today, when done feeding my newborn, I stated to my husband that I'm a cow. He said, in a sincere tone, "Oh, baby, you'll lose the weight soon." I meant cow because I'm producing so much milk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52791

You deserved it

21278

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my Dad called me to tell me that he had finally won the lottery and that I no longer had to worry about trying to find a way to pay for school. I was so excited I started crying. He then told me that he won $5 on a scratch off lotto ticket. He bought a sandwich. Funny dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

62318

You deserved it

9129

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By Having a pretty sister sucks. - United States - College Station

Relatable

Today, my sister had an emotional breakdown because two guys love her and she can't pick just one. Meanwhile I'm single and spend my time laying treats on my floor in a pattern and watching my rabbit run in circles. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49290

You deserved it

4280

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By st00pid - Canada

Today, I found out that if you see a picture in your boss's office of a extremely good looking, big breasted woman kissing him on the cheek, not to comment. Because that extremely good looking, big breasted woman, just might be his daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12558

You deserved it

44928

Favorite

By Phoenix0614 - United States

Today, I went to the grocery store, and I realized that all I bought was cat food and $30 worth of protein bars. Yes, I have become THAT single woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28359

You deserved it

7261

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By Stacy Dee - United States

Today, my family is on the third day of driving cross country. My husband is still pretending he is driving on a NASCAR track, sound effects and all. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28250

You deserved it

4472

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By yourmom - United States

Today, I went to a museum that had exhibits of wax people in the hallways. We were taking pictures of what we thought to be a waxwork old lady. Turns out she was real. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24938

You deserved it

9490

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By Anonymous

Today, I came home to find my entire action figure collection was gone. My parents told me I am too old for toys, so they opened all of the packages and donated them to Goodwill. I had an original Boba Fett, and my entire collection was worth more than twenty thousand dollars. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4881

You deserved it

358

Favorite

By Sorry - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, it's my birthday. I've spent most of it apologizing to my parents for the "hassle" of "having" to arrange a simple birthday dinner. Sorry I was born, guys. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38181

You deserved it

3245

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By Charlie - United States

Today, I brought my girlfriend of four months home for dinner to meet my parents. The first thing my mom says to her? "Oh my God, you're real!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

41410

You deserved it

4891

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By ihatepizza - United States - Aurora

Today, as a delivery driver, I have been stiffed in tips by three separate people because "a delivery fee is a tip, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

8069

You deserved it

1018

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By ShanghaiSam - China - Shanghai

Today, I found out half of the staff at work have been spreading rumours I'm sleeping with my boss. The other half are spreading rumours I'm sleeping with my subordinate. In reality, every night I go home to an apartment so empty that I don't even have condiments, to sleep alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6088

You deserved it

356

Favorite

By MySonThePoet - United States - Racine

Today, I stumbled across one of my son's English assignments. Apparently, he decided to submit a haiku about how electrical outlets are technically "whores" because they hook up with countless cords for a "charge." I don't know whether to be amused or furious. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37719

You deserved it

5456

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By WorthLessThanACareer

Today, the guy I've been dating said we couldn't see each other anymore because he needed to focus on his career. He's unemployed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13394

You deserved it

1178

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By Anonymous

Today, I fell asleep on the way to a pool party and woke up covered in sharpie swastikas and dicks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3297

You deserved it

1048

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, the highlight of my day was a conversation about Disney, which ranged from Pocahontas lunch boxes to Disneyland Paris. I don't know who was more excited; me, a 20 year old man, or the 6 year old girl I was talking to. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24662

You deserved it

8119

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By unproud - United Kingdom - Luton

Today, while my hometown mayor becomes a world-famous crackhead and douche-bag, here in the UK it has come to this: when people hear my accent and ask me if I'm American, it's less embarrassing just to say, "Yeah", rather than admit I'm Canadian. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42028

You deserved it

7007

Favorite

By library book - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I went to the public library for the first time ever. The librarian told me I couldn't get a library card because I had an outstanding balance of $130.00 from 1995. I was born in 1991. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51996

You deserved it

4464

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I had organised to go for an all day fishing trip, but had forgotten to book a day off. I called my boss and told him that I had to stay with my mum in hospital after a car crash that she had last night. He called me a liar and fired me. Turns out my mum is having an affair with my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks

67862

You deserved it

21370

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By anonymous - Canada - Kitchener

Today, for some reason entirely beyond my knowledge, Siri referred to me as "Sugartits". FML

I agree, your life sucks

25057

You deserved it

3405

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By Gaz47

Today, I was online dating and a girl from high school messaged me. Thinking she might have matured since we're now in our 40's, I messaged back. She then said it was a joke and that I'm still a desperate, pathetic nerd trying to score with the hottest girl in class. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4190

You deserved it

311

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By Anonymous - United States - Hyde Park

Today, I woke up to the sound of my psycho ex trying to break down my apartment door. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22635

You deserved it

1631

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By Activesleeper - Australia - Flinders

Today, I woke up to 7 texts about the data overage charges that were accrued last night while I slept. Apparently my phone used nearly 8 GB of data, with no apps open, while I was sound asleep, leaving me with a $63 fee. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4056

You deserved it

404

Favorite

By J Rush - United Kingdom - Welshpool

Today, as I turned the shower on, I got covered in gravy. Turns out, my friends had unscrewed the shower head, filled it with gravy granules, then screwed it back on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30116

You deserved it

3228

Favorite

By screamo - United Kingdom

Today, my alarm went off at 6.30. I woke up disorientated, as usual. I looked up and saw a dark, mysterious figure entering my room. Still half asleep, I screamed and dived under my covers. The dark, mysterious figure was my mom. I'm a 21 year old guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21808

You deserved it

46704

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By great - United States

Today, I sat in my boss' office as he bitched me out for being "too sarcastic" to our customers. After nearly half an hour of him criticizing my "piss-poor attitude," he asked me what I was going to do to fix it. Without thinking, I said, "Your mom." Now I'm jobless again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10497

You deserved it

74562

Favorite

By annabellebyebye - United States

Today, I bought a kitten. I've wanted a cat for years and decided to finally buy one now that I have my own apartment. It turns out I'm allergic to cats. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42807

You deserved it

10041

Favorite

By y0uw1shy0ukn3wm3 - United States

Today, I was refereeing a kid's soccer game, and noticed that on the field next to me was a referee I hated working with. I told the other referee I was working with that he was the laziest and most dumbass referee I had ever worked with. She then slapped me, and told me that it was her grandpa. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9591

You deserved it

41890

Favorite

By Anonymous - 28/1/2021 17:01

Boozehounds

Today, my fiancé refused to talk to me because I'm "an alcoholic". I only started drinking like this after we moved in together and he brought me alcohol every day, because he's an alcoholic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

615

You deserved it

288

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Top comments

By tc201002 | 6

#7968017 - Friday 29 January 2021 21:04

I hope you mean ex boyfriend

COMMENTS

By tc201002 | 6

#7968017 - Friday 29 January 2021 21:04

I hope you mean ex boyfriend