By Prepper? - 6/12/2017 01:30

Going out of business? It's a matter of life and death!

Today, the accredited funeral home of my memorial plan is going out of business. Instead of delegating my policy to a different firm, they gave me the package. I now have to take home a land title for where I will be buried, my own coffin, and my headstone. FML

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Goodbye Bill

Don't give up

Rich people problems

By wounded pride, intact cock - 17/1/2015 18:49 - United States

Today, my wife wanted me to take her to a new restaurant in town. When I looked it up and saw their prices, I almost had a heart attack. When I said it was too expensive, she snapped "Maybe you'd like to look up 'Lorena Bobbitt' next?!" We went to the restaurant. FML

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By FUKDOUG - 15/1/2009 01:47 - Canada

Today, I was trying to finish an english assignment and I was not sure how to complete it. So I emailed my teacher asking and she said flip over the assignment handout page for instructions. FML

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By tallvet - 22/3/2018 19:00

Today, I told my wife to not drive our car as it has a steering problem and is starting to shake. I got home from work to see it had a flat tire, and asked her if she went anywhere. She'd thought I was exaggerating and went out for coffee. I've been a mechanic for 7 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2019 14:00

Today, I was sitting in my room when my dad came in to ask if I wanted the rest of his cake. I'd made it for my cousin's wedding, and spent 2 days preparing it. The wedding is tomorrow. FML

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By letmefallasleep - 1/4/2020 14:00

Checks and balances

Today, I found out my husband has racked up $3000 on our credit cards, and ruined my credit score. When confronted, all he had to say was, "Well you didn't tell me when you bought that ten-dollar t-shirt, so I guess we're even." FML

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By Shoofly - 4/3/2011 22:54 - United States

Today, while at Subway, I looked on as an employee killed a fly with his hands. He then continued working without a second thought. He was making my sandwich. FML

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By bustedfornuthin - 8/9/2010 04:42 - United States

Today, I was arrested by the police for sitting in what they thought was a stolen vehicle. After being slammed into the back of a squad car at gun point, they realized the car was actually recovered a week ago. FML

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By "nzfireman" - 4/9/2017 13:00

Today, while going into the fire station for a call out, I opened my locker door on our only available driver and knocked him out. FML

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By You'veHadTwoWeeksToTellMe - 24/4/2017 12:00 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, one hour before bedtime on the last day of the school holidays, my kids informed me that they need art smocks for school. They have no idea why I'm frustrated. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/10/2010 10:50 - United States

Today, I lost the remote control to my TV. I can't change the channel manually on it, and the channel it's stuck on is currently playing an infomercial for the Pos-T-Vac penis pump. I've been watching this for an hour now. I'm a female, and I'm beginning to feel like I need this product. FML

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By Uriyahu - 20/9/2010 22:11 - United States

Today, a drunk driver crashed in through my living room wall. Not only that, but he managed to completely miss the first two houses on the block, which should have been a barrier before mine. FML

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By What am I doing with my life? - 22/5/2014 16:47 - United States - Aurora

Today, I collected my students' final essays. One of them submitted a printout of a screenshot he took with his phone. Too bad a browser address bar was still in the shot, along with a "click to read more" link at the bottom. My students are too dumb and lazy to even plagiarize properly. FML

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By gracelynn980765 - 27/6/2019 12:30

Today, it was the third time in a row someone has lost a boner inside of me. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2016 15:54 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got let go from my job, because my personal cell phone doesn't always have signal, so I missed an important call from work. My contract specifically said I'd get a work phone, which never happened. FML

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By nick - 6/3/2011 01:42 - United States

Today, my dad got drunk and asked if I had inherited his "abnormally tiny penis." FML

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By Anonymous - 21/7/2012 05:26 - United States

Today, I was headed on vacation with my family. On the way, our trailer tire blew out. Because the trailer was tilted from the flat tire, the door would not open to get the spare. After breaking the window to get the spare and putting it on, the spare blew out. FML

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By shortarse - 13/6/2017 02:00 - Australia - Saint Lucia

Today, I finally moved into my own flat - no family, nor messy flatmates. Should be great, except for the fact that I'm so short, I have to climb onto the counter in the kitchen any time I want to reach my shelves. Like a child. I'm going to break my fucking neck. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2016 01:19 - Canada - Canal Flats

Today, a little girl locked all the stalls in the girls' bathroom where I work and crawled under the doors. I then had to crawl around on the bathroom floor in order to unlock the doors. FML

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By AnnoyedWoman - 17/8/2014 10:19 - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, I went camping with my husband not too far from our house. We got our tent pitched up, stove ready and roll-out bed out. He then said, "I'm just gonna go for a walk." It had been about an hour before I decided to go find him. He had walked home to play CoD. FML

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By stickygoober - 20/11/2018 15:00 - United States - Peoria

Today, my boss sent a message to a coworker saying, "We're putting all of you back on the phones because one of you can't stop watching Netflix so corporate thinks you guys don't do anything." That person was me. Everyone's pissed at me now. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2020 03:02

Kids, it doesn't get any better

Today, I was sitting in class when I overheard a group talking about how much they don't like me. When they saw me there, they burst out laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2014 18:29

Today, I told my boss I have a sore throat. He replied, "Well, don't take it so deep next time." FML

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By ImNotFat - 18/2/2015 04:22 - New Zealand

Today, a photo of my friends and me was posted in our college group. I didn't notice my legs looked enormous until my friend pointed it out. Her comment got 50 likes. FML

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By exasperated - 17/4/2014 03:14 - United States - Houston

Today, I got a call from the police that my house had been burglarized, but an off-duty cop caught the criminal. I pull up to see my detained, psycho ex-boyfriend sheepishly grinning at me. He had three of my lace panties and two of my bras, claiming it was "all for memories sake". FML

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By stickyhair - 18/4/2011 04:46 - United States

Today, I was cutting a little boy's hair at the hairdressers where I work. While cutting his bangs, I noticed his forehead was surprisingly warm. When I asked him if he felt OK, he threw up all over my gown. I think he had some broccoli today. FML

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By - 27/9/2012 02:29 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my girlfriend told me what turns her on: cheese. FML

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By MyNameIsNotJeff - 8/5/2015 03:23 - United States

Today, my girlfriend bought me a pet tarantula. I now have one of my biggest fears crawling around my house. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/3/2013 00:15 - United States - Brighton

Today, I had to sneak out of work early to pick my 14-year-old son up from school. He and a friend had been found covered in Astroglide, racing each other down the corridor on their bellies. My boss noticed my absence from work, and now my son and I are both on suspension. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2010 05:06 - United States

Today, I drove my new car with a manual transmission for the first time by myself. I was at a stoplight and saw a cute guy in the car next to me. He looked my way and gave me "the nod". The light turned green and I tried to go but I stalled out, lurching my car forward right into the car next to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2013 16:05 - Canada - Neustadt

Today, I went to a dance and saw a really cute guy. Glow sticks were everywhere, so trying to be cute, I took a broken one and dripped some of the glowing liquid on my chest. It made him notice me, but only for him to point out that I'd managed to cut myself and was bleeding badly. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2009 00:11 - United States

Today, I was sitting at my college campus, there were good looking girls all around me and I was trying to catch their eye and smile, letting them know I'm available. A butterfly flew by me and I screamed. FML

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By DBR - 23/11/2009 22:12 - United States

Today, I finally received a paycheck for the first time in six months. I celebrated by promptly falling down a flight of stairs and losing consciousness. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2010 23:41 - United States

Today, I was riding the public bus and a really fat, smelly guy sat next to me. He put his arm around my shoulder and asked me if I was single. My stop wasn't for three more miles. FML

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By JubileeBee - 28/9/2011 10:46 - United States

Today, I found out that my seemingly innocent 80-something neighbor has been stalking every girl in the neighborhood, and considers me his girlfriend. FML

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By Annie - 24/8/2015 08:46 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was lying on a couch, reading, when I noticed a spindly leg poking round the corner of my book. Upon realising it was a spider, I calmly and rationally threw my book across the room, breaking the TV. FML

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By croleymd - 17/2/2010 01:29 - United States

Today, I found my company car wrecked in a ditch. Apparently, leaving it parked on an icy hill all night was a bad idea. I have to pick up my manager from the airport. FML

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By Sadness - 7/10/2013 18:55 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I have been home sick and depressed for so long that I just found Oreo crumbs in my belly button. FML

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By wowjuststop - 3/10/2009 01:01 - United States

Today, I got offered a ride to go home for the weekend. I go to college six hours away from home and haven't seen my family for almost two months. When I called my mom with the good news, she told me not to come. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/5/2009 17:46 - United States

Today, my soccer team got our warm up t-shirts that say "You can hit on us, but you can't score." After the game, a guy behind my friend asks, "Hey what does the front of your shirt say?" I replied for her, "You can hit on us." He looked at me and my friend and said, "No thanks." FML

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By Marjorie - 13/7/2012 17:08 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I'm sitting in the ER with my eight-year-old son. He broke his arm after jumping out through the second story window. He was too impatient to walk to the ice cream van pulling up outside. FML

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Top comments

By Leeono | 26

#7570485 - Friday 1 December 2017 8:39

Sounds like a grave mistake and I’m dead serious when I say you should dig up more info on what you can do.

By rattyrayvn | 21

#7572082 - Wednesday 6 December 2017 2:01

Just leave them lying around for when you bring dates home. Goths will love it.

Comments

By Leeono | 26

#7570485 - Friday 1 December 2017 8:39

Sounds like a grave mistake and I’m dead serious when I say you should dig up more info on what you can do.

By rattyrayvn | 21

#7572082 - Wednesday 6 December 2017 2:01

Just leave them lying around for when you bring dates home. Goths will love it.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7572086 - Wednesday 6 December 2017 2:45

That looks like 3 out of 13 reasons.

By exileonmainst | 16

#7572089 - Wednesday 6 December 2017 2:55

There ain’t no grave can hold your body down.

By Donut_Wizard | 23

#7572090 - Wednesday 6 December 2017 3:11

Do they expect you to dig the hole yourself too?

By tibtak | 20

#7572281 - Wednesday 6 December 2017 16:24

What year did they put on the headstone?

By electrodude | 15

#7572452 - Thursday 7 December 2017 3:22

Hey at least you’re prepared for Halloween next year

By davecross | 11

#7572741 - Thursday 7 December 2017 21:48

Nothing like planning for the future!

By Siobhán Joanne Weiss-Donnelly | 10

#7572801 - Friday 8 December 2017 0:04

That's actually pretty cool

By TeachAllTheMath | 19

#7572820 - Friday 8 December 2017 2:03

A coffin and headstone are pretty big, where are you going to keep them???