By WhereIsIt? - 25/9/2020 22:01 - Australia - North Lakes

Frustration

Today, I came home from a nine-hour shift and all I want is to sit down with a glass of Baileys. I can't find the key to the liquor cabinet. FML

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Out of it

Doomed

Lockdown is driving us down

By 7rafe7 - 6/2/2011 07:37 - United States

Today, I learned that standing next to a hobo doesn't make me look better in comparison, but instead just makes me seem like a hobo as well. FML

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By lucy_g - 2/11/2013 05:06 - United States

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend, feeling pretty low. I said something along the lines of "You like me even when I look like shit." He replied, "Ah, that's just how you naturally look." FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2017 14:00 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, my girlfriend got heartburn. She started freaking out, convinced she was having a heart attack. Five hours and an ambulance later, we finally left the ER with a diagnosis of 'too many hot dogs.' FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2009 22:19 - United States

Today, I met with a friend who had gained some weight since I saw him last. After a friendly hug, I put my hand on his new man boob and, without thinking, left it there way too long. I realized that I was groping him and, in a panic, did the only thing I could think of. I patted it. Twice. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2012 02:35 - United States

Today, I was at the laundromat when a huge, tattoo-covered man wearing nothing but denim booty shorts and a wife-beater sat down beside me. He stared at me for a while, before telling me all about how I reminded him of his "first prison bitch." FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2019 20:00

Can't win

Today, my supervisor told me off for doing something. When I reminded her that she told me to do it, she yelled at me for correcting her. FML

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By Cinderstar95 - 28/12/2016 09:34 - United States - Schererville

Today, my dad and brother found a Christmas present that they'd "forgotten" to give me. Expecting a joke, I apprehensively opened it. But I still wasn't prepared to unwrap the neck of the Christmas turkey. It had been rotting in the living room for 2 days. The smell was indescribable. FML

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By whytoday - 14/5/2011 06:50 - United States

Today, on the first day of my nanny job, I wanted to impress my employers with how trustworthy and responsible I am. During the sixty seconds that I went to pee, the two-year-old found a black Sharpie and scribbled all over the wall. Nail polish remover made it ten times worse. FML

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By ilovechickens - 15/4/2012 03:46 - United States

Today, I tried to be kind to animals and get my dad to buy cage-free eggs. When I told him it was dollar more, he started yelling and making a scene in the middle of the store, saying that chickens are ugly and they deserve to suffer. FML

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By patty - 13/1/2009 02:47 - France

Today, I saw a friend in the street but he didn't see me, so as a joke I decided to ring him. He took his mobile out of his pocket, sighed and didn't pick up. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/2/2016 21:36 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my boss told me that people from work have been complaining about me. Apparently, I'm not doing part of their jobs for them, and the other manager sometimes does. FML

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By Bogrbon - 21/4/2020 14:00

It's called fashion Dave, look it up

Today, since we can’t go out due to the quarantine, my wife decided she wanted to shave my back with a razor. Two hours later, I have a sore back and I look like I'm wearing the front half of the worlds ugliest sweater vest. FML

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By smurftastic - 3/9/2013 03:03 - United States - Murrieta

Today, my company is doing so bad that I had to take down my symbolic first dollar so that I could buy a roll of crackers for dinner. FML

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By Justmyluck - 21/11/2018 08:00 - United States - Bloomsburg

Today, after a week of no side effects, my bronchitis medication decided to screw me over. I'm running on 3 hours of sleep and half of my face is sunburnt in randomized patches. Guess who has a huge presentation today. FML

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By Bigpoppa0507 - 31/8/2011 14:02 - Canada

Today, while playing with bubble wrap, I dislocated my thumb. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2011 18:31 - United States

Today, I spent almost $200 on a planetarium show with my boyfriend, who loves astronomy. He said his favorite thing about it was that he could pick his nose without anyone noticing. FML

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By ish0rty - 14/11/2011 08:42 - United States

Today, my social-awkwardness is so bad, I was actually proud of myself for managing to ask someone a question. FML

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By CreepyPaperDoll - 5/11/2009 06:36 - United States

Today, I went for coffee with some people from work. I lined up to order behind a guy I'd only met a few times. When he paid, he dropped his wallet, and I saw that he had a picture of me cut from the company newsletter, enlarged, and taped inside his wallet. FML

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By rachel - 10/8/2013 20:56 - Germany - K?ln

Today, my little brother told me to give him my phone so he could play a game on it. I said no, because I was taking a call from a friend at the time. He then walked over to the wall, headbutted it, burst into tears, then told my parents that I punched him. They believed him. FML

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By fire0fisis - 3/2/2009 21:46 - United States

Today, the police called because someone had turned in my wallet that was stolen. I happily drove home only to find that my house had been robbed and ransacked. FML

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By Mxx - 12/3/2020 12:30 - United Kingdom

Marcel Duchamp would be proud

Today, I was looking through an old box of personal artwork when I realised the entire box was damp. This was all my own art from the past 3 years, smudged and smelling of cat urine. I was supposed to showcase some of it in a competition winning gallery this month. FML

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By distracted - 13/7/2015 13:56 - Australia - Pymble

Today, I woke up early and took my medication to help me focus while catching up on lectures. I ended up spending the whole day focused on fixing my drawer for no apparent reason. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2017 16:00

Thanks but no thanks.

Today, as my husband and I were leaving our wedding reception, my mother-in-law hugged me and whispered in my ear, "You're gonna do great tonight!" FML

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By great - 20/7/2012 10:20 - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, at the bank, my 8-year-old son decided to pull out realistic looking toy gun, and scream "FREEZE! Give me all your money!" The dim-witted bank teller pressed the silent alarm, and I was nearly arrested. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2014 02:48 - United States - Fresno

Today, I watched a manager and a co-worker sit underneath a table in our store all day as I got yelled at for not working hard enough. I was the only one actually working. FML

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By mikki_arlert - 8/10/2016 05:24 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my mother threatened my psychiatrist with legal action because he told her the organic and herbal "medicine" she swears by don't actually "cure" mental illness like she claims. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2013 22:45 - United States - Buffalo

Today, I had to show my daughter where the USA is on a map. She's 17, and we live in the USA. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2011 22:58 - United States

Today, I was jogging around the neighborhood when I went past a bar. There were lots of drunk men outside telling me to come over so they could give me the night of my life. One of those men was my grandpa. FML

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By PISSED OFF - 17/5/2015 13:09 - Australia

Today, I bought an expensive video game and decided to show it off and post a photo of it on Instagram. When I got home to play it, it rejected my activation key. I then realised it was showing in the Instagram post. FML

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By fungettingdressed - 12/10/2010 12:57 - United States

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, my fingers got stuck between the wall and headboard. Screaming, he thought I was enjoying the sex and kept going even harder. I have 3 broken fingers. FML

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51657

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2012 19:04 - Norway - Rakkestad

Today, my daughter proudly showed me her new tattoo sleeve, which is made up of an angry cupcake, hemp leaves, and a My Little Pony character. She's almost 30, still unemployed, and still lives in my home. I now have no hope of her ever becoming a productive member of society. FML

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By mary - 21/2/2012 15:33 - Australia

Today, I managed to cut myself on a piece of chocolate. FML

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By MyLifeSucks - 15/4/2013 22:11 - United States - Houston

Today, my mother accused me of stealing pills; she looked all over my room and couldn't find them. When she went back to the pantry, she saw them on the shelf below where they were supposed to be. She then accused me of putting them there while she was searching my room. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/4/2009 15:26 - Australia

Today, I got a text from my girlfriend saying she needed more phone credit, so I bought her more and got another message saying "Great, now I have enough credit for this..." as she spelled out a three page message breaking up with me. Yes, I paid for her to break up with me via text. FML

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By DarkDisaster - 27/12/2012 10:16 - United States

Today, my cat had the greatest idea ever: hide inside our Christmas tree and attack anyone who walks past. It would have come as extremely funny to me if I hadn't been her first victim. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2012 20:34 - Netherlands - Kerkrade

Today, I called my boyfriend during his lunch break. He started to place his order at a fast food joint, and trying to be funny, I started moaning sexily after each part of his order. I eventually realised I was on speaker when I heard snickering in the background. FML

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By oddbrien - 13/12/2016 03:34 - United States - Baltimore

Today, while at the club, I started dancing with a girl who I had noticed throughout the night. When she turned around she firmly stated, "I'd much rather dance by myself". FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2010 10:47 - United States

Today, my friend bought a smartphone and updated his facebook status with it. Two weeks ago he signed an apartment lease with another friend. Four months ago he bought a new handgun. Seven months ago he bought a new TV. He's owed me $300 for a year and a half. FML

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By lostmystuff - 7/7/2013 06:35 - United States - Livermore

Today, I was moving to my new apartment. I left some furniture outside as I drove to dump the first load at my new place. When I got back, everything was gone. Apparently, today is the day the donation truck was coming around to take everything we don't need. FML

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By Awkward - 22/10/2014 00:36 - United States - Owings Mills

Today, I had to google the definition of transsexual just to know what the hell my friends were talking about. I need to read a book. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7940643 - Friday 25 September 2020 15:15

That's what an axe is for.

Not only will you get your drink, you'll also have a great story for your next AA meeting.

By ahabsfan | 14

#7940730 - Friday 25 September 2020 21:42

Check with the kids. They probably have it.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7940643 - Friday 25 September 2020 15:15

That's what an axe is for.

Not only will you get your drink, you'll also have a great story for your next AA meeting.

By ahabsfan | 14

#7940730 - Friday 25 September 2020 21:42

Check with the kids. They probably have it.

By tabby cat tidbit | 6

#7940815 - Saturday 26 September 2020 4:46

I'm sure there's a liquor store nearby....

By samsonity | 5

#7941413 - Monday 28 September 2020 23:46

Ever hear of a crowbar