Today, I found myself sitting in the bathroom at work searching the internet for the alcohol and caloric content of cool mint Listerine. I now believe that I may have a problem. FML
Collection
Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, in preparation for a presentation at work, I decided to take a handful of vitamins to fight my cold. As I was putting the bottles away, I noticed one of them was a laxative. FML
Today, I woke up at a stranger's house after a long night of drinking. Before leaving, I decided to steal some mouthwash so I didn't smell like a liquor store. Thinking of the night before, I instinctively downed the Listerine like a shot and puked everywhere. FML
Today, I noticed I have more alcohol in my fridge than I do actual food. FML
Today, I left a party after drinking, and was soon pulled over. I frantically grabbed my mouthwash I keep for emergency situations to cover up the alcohol smell on my breath. I was given the breathalyzer almost immediately. I blew a 2.37. Apparently, alcohol is the main ingredient of Listerine. FML
Today, I woke up and put my contacts in. It appears that I got drunk enough last night that instead of soaking my contacts in contact solution, I used mouthwash. FML
Today, the water was shut off, so I had to wash down my anti convulsants, anti depressants and sleep aids with an old, flat, non-alcoholic beer from the night before. I don't think I've ever had a more mentally dysfunctional cocktail. FML
Today, a long day of work and a bad day for my mental health, I tried to relax with my wife, a movie, and a soda. After returning from using the bathroom, I took a swig to discover a particularly odorous stink bug had snuck into the can, now my mouth. FML
Today, I had to admit that I'm an alcoholic when I spent my last dollar bills on Southern Comfort instead of tampons. FML
Today, I got the hiccups at work no fewer than ten times in a row. I'm a cashier and not allowed to leave to go get water. Not only that, but I was called into the office to discuss my “drinking problem.” I don’t drink. FML
Today, I discovered that the wintergreen breath mints I've been taking for a week now, are actually circular, flavored, white and green laxatives. FML
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Top comments
bloopaloop 27
If it makes you feel better, I’m almost always pooping when I check FML. To include right now.
BeefyQueefy 14
Jesus buddy, relax with the judgements and assumptions, yeah?
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Comments (14)
mekiswrite 21
Is this your first clue?
dasin 18
when the bank account ran dry didnt clue you in or the drunk driving or abuse to another living thing if those arent issues i dont see why killing yourself in a slow enjoyable way is a bad thing
BeefyQueefy 14
Jesus buddy, relax with the judgements and assumptions, yeah?
jbuckets_404 38
Why? Is there poor Wi-Fi reception in the bathroom at work now?
bloopaloop 27
If it makes you feel better, I’m almost always pooping when I check FML. To include right now.
RichardPencil 30
That sounds like a... ... wait on it... ... shitty situation.
jbuckets_404 38
OP, I now believe that you're right.
HCL Burn 1
alcoholism is a real bitch man.
RichardPencil 30
I glad to see you watching the calories. It’s not too bad to be a drunk, but it’s awful to be a fat drunk!
thisisbutaname 38
I'd say a couple of problems mate
Sonotsuave 35
Uh. Yeah I would get some help unless for some reason you’ve never used mouthwash before and are interested in the components...get help and good luck
manb91uk 22
You do if it says "Alcohol free" on the label