By Anonymous - 20/3/2021 03:01 - United States - Trenton

Freudian slip

Today, while spacing out about my hot male boss, he called my name for something and I replied, "Yes Daddy?" FML

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Love

Work

Messed up

Walk on the wild side

Dangling modifier

By anonymous - Canada - Kitchener

Today, for some reason entirely beyond my knowledge, Siri referred to me as "Sugartits". FML

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25063

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By catgirl911 - United States

Today, I woke up to see my cat crawling out my window onto the roof. Afraid he was going to jump to the ground, I crawled out my window as well. I caught him. The neighbors caught me in my underwear and bra yelling at my cat on the roof. FML

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15118

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By Eternal Servitude - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mom decided to have a get together at my house while I was at work. When I came home, she pulled me aside and asked me to pretend to be her maid. FML

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32325

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By Anonymous - United States - Concord

Today, I got really horny during a 10 hour shift, so I snuck into a storage room and relieved myself. Then as I went to leave the room, I noticed the security camera above the door. FML

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7996

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By Bug - Canada - Ajax

Today, I fell down the stairs. Lying on my back in extreme pain, I called my mom for help. When she came over, she said I looked like a dead bug, took a picture and posted it on Facebook. FML

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26994

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By Pinkie - United States

Today, I had to announce to the whole house that I was going the bathroom, because the lock on the door is broken. Before I had the chance to wipe, my dad loudly burst through the door, stark bollock naked, to take a shower. FML

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28715

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By katiebabby - United States

Today, my computer was hit by something bigger than a virus: a car. FML

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38587

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4878

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By mynoseburns - United States

Today, I sneezed while I was throwing up into the toilet. It turns out that throwing up is even less pleasant when the puke violently shoots out through your nose. FML

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36404

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2646

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I made out with a guy that I had just met at a party. It was my first kiss. I don't know what's worse, the fact that my first kiss is at the age of 23, or the fact that I saw him making out with a different girl later on in the night. FML

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35048

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16572

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was relaxing alone at a bar when I was approached by the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen. She was too good to be true, so I asked, "Is this some kind of a prank?" She immediately turned around and left. She thought I was calling her ugly. I'll never see her again. FML

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19142

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By screamo - United Kingdom

Today, my alarm went off at 6.30. I woke up disorientated, as usual. I looked up and saw a dark, mysterious figure entering my room. Still half asleep, I screamed and dived under my covers. The dark, mysterious figure was my mom. I'm a 21 year old guy. FML

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21809

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after parking my car, I was informed by an incredibly hot girl that my tail light was faulty. I tried hitting it to make it work again. Guess who has 5 stitches and a smashed tail light? FML

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7747

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By ashamed father - Canada - Brampton

Today, I found out that my 15-year-old son is a prolific creator of My Little Pony themed hentai. I'm not a judgmental man, but he's probably going to hell. FML

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46758

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By jelrid - United States - Holt

Today, my worst fears were realized as an insect pinged off the back of my mouth while I was singing along to the radio on my motorcycle. FML

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9851

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By wellthatsawkward - United States

Today, my boyfriend came over for the first time to meet my family. The night consisted of my sisters hiding in a tent and chasing us around in it, my parents singing songs from 'The Lion King' opera-style and throwing cheese at him. Pretty sure he's freaked out. FML

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32417

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4329

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By Anonymous - 6/3/2021 07:01 - United States - Afton

Facebook's moderation sucks

Today, I got put in Facebook jail for telling a guy fat shaming a girl he was a "s*x*st b*st*rd." Immediately after, FB informed me that a person I reported for threats didn't violate community standards. FML

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705

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281

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By hejdixjeln - United States - Evanston

Today, I advised my daughter to not drink a Coke before bed. She smiled at me and reassured me that it could be balanced out with sleeping pills. I'm raising a future drug addict. FML

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37905

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By seriously? - United States - Pickerington

Today, I was trying to explain to my mom that I've been having panic attacks. I ended up having a panic attack from talking about having a panic attack. FML

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46520

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By Beaten - United States

Today, my boyfriend of one year broke up with me. He's been in jail for the last four months. I paid for his very expensive lawyer. FML

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17761

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42059

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By Tomb Raider Wannabe - Australia - Premer

Today, I was feeling really good about myself for running and walking everywhere so much so that I was out of breath and panting. Well, until I remembered that I was playing a video game and it was my character that was doing the running around that is. FML

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19932

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By CoffeeBoy - United States

Today, I went to meet a potential client at StarBucks all the way across town about designing his website. I was extremely excited because I really need the work. I sat for an hour. Turns out he was across the street, at the other StarBucks. FML

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32976

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By KC - United States

Today, the priest was handing out red roses after church. The woman ahead of me asked for a rose. The priest said, "Sorry, we are only giving them out to single women since they didn't get any for Valentine's Day." Then he hands one to me. This was the first time I have been to that church. FML

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43333

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4357

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By ILTali - United States

Today, I was at a party and we were all playing Seven Minutes in Heaven. It was my crush's turn to spin the bottle so my heart started pounding. The bottle pointed towards me! Then my crush said, "With her it'd be 'Seven Minutes in Hell'. Just skip me." FML

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121602

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By Disproportionate

Bent

Today, I noticed that the glasses I got this week seemed off balance. A further inspection showed that one of my ears is bigger than the other. Through even further inspection, my family concluded that the entire right side of my body is higher than my left. FML

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1435

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By pissed off mother - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I was out shopping with my son and unbeknownst to me, he had secretly added a bunch of expensive games he wanted to the trolley. I was too embarrassed at the till to make a fuss as there was a huge line behind me. I watched as my normal £50 shopping bill climbed to over £400. FML

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6119

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By flurina - Canada

Today, a woman pushed me at the bar and told me how much she's always hated me. She was my grade five teacher. FML

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33316

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3642

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By ohgodwhy - United States

Today, my boyfriend came over to cheer me up after I'd had a sleepless night. He thought it would be a good time to propose. Unfortunately, it coincided with me yawning. FML

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28933

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5107

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By notsexy - United States

Today, my boyfriend came over so that we could have some "fun". It turns out, his idea of foreplay is squishing my breasts together and making them talk. FML

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55619

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8409

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Maidstone

Today, I woke up to find my face covered in scratches, some of them bleeding. I was rather puzzled, as I don't have a cat. Then I realised that the feathers in my pillow had stuck out and scratched my face. I was attacked by my own pillow. FML

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10260

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1113

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By bennyp77 - United States

Today, I was at a tennis match and it was really hot. I took off my shirt to cool down. A member of the staff then tapped me on the shoulder and told me that my "bare breasts might offend someone." I'm a man. FML

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28912

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By DearLord - Canada

Next, on The Jerry Springer Show…

Today, I had to explain to my boss that masturbating in public is inappropriate. This isn't the first time this has taken place. FML

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1880

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157

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I cut my finger open with a spoon. After waiting for 4 hours in the emergency room, the doctor told me I was missing too much flesh to qualify for stitches. He then called 2 other doctors in to examine it. Apparently they had a contest for patient with most ridiculous injury. I won. FML

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39078

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7903

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By 11321 - United States

Today, I went on somewhat of a blind date. The date was OK until he tried to spoon feed me. This didn't go over so well. Later, I noticed a strange looking brief case he was carrying. I asked him what it was and he whipped out 5 yoyos and did a yoyo show in the middle of the restaurant. FML

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65905

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6872

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By Class - United States - Newton Center

Today, I brought my 90-year-old grandfather into school for a project that required to bring in "a first-hand account" of the Great Depression. He started off by telling the class how in his day, they "threw rocks at black people." FML

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32116

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By Anonymous - 24/12/2020 11:01 - Germany - Olbersdorf

Zapped

Today, I got the worst electric shock ever, touching a wire that was connected to the electric fence only by a plastic isolator, made specifically to NOT conduct electricity. I still don’t understand how it was possible. FML

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508

You deserved it

104

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By shugette212 - United States

Today, I found the Christmas candy that I'd hidden a year ago. Turns out I wasn't the only living creature who had found it. FML

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27056

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7648

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By AliRocks - United States

Today, I got a ticket for vandalizing public property. I decided to draw a cat on the street outside my house in sidewalk chalk. I'm 20, and I have to explain to my parents why I'm playing with chalk instead of studying. FML

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18840

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26585

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By Adam - United States

Today, my iPod dropped out of my pocket while I was walking. Trying to be cool, I attempted to kick it back into the air to catch it before it hit the ground. Upon making contact with my foot, It ended up detaching from my headphones and flying 10 feet. Right into a sewer grate. FML

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9344

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By Anonymous - United States - Sparta

Today, I went to the Doctor's for a mole my husband had said was, "growing and changing color". It turned out to be a wood tick. My husband knew, but said it was too "icky" to take off himself. FML

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50506

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By more than I wanted to know - Italy - San Giustino

Today, my dad sat me down for the sex talk, except it wasn't really a talk, but rather him making me watch a hardcore porn video with him as he commented on what the actors were doing. I had to listen to all this and ignore his obvious erection for almost an hour. FML

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84963

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Top comments

By LeahMichelle | 6

#7979930 - Saturday 20 March 2021 9:15

😂And his response? Do you still have a job? Or has he bent you over his desk like you want? 😂

By Bogrbon | 22

#7980064 - Saturday 20 March 2021 19:50

Your first mistake was allowing yourself to daydream about your boss!

COMMENTS

By LeahMichelle | 6

#7979930 - Saturday 20 March 2021 9:15

😂And his response? Do you still have a job? Or has he bent you over his desk like you want? 😂

By Bogrbon | 22

#7980064 - Saturday 20 March 2021 19:50

Your first mistake was allowing yourself to daydream about your boss!

By Wadlaen | 19

#7980128 - Saturday 20 March 2021 23:45

Well, at least he doesn't have to wonder about who's your daddy...😅

By kekekanee | 3

#7980158 - Sunday 21 March 2021 4:20

This needs a follow-up!

By peterblackmer91 | 10

#7980163 - Sunday 21 March 2021 5:29

Ewwww. Daddy??? That's just yuck

Miss_Whipped | 43

#7980358 - Sunday 21 March 2021 23:01

I bet you watch step-mom porn.

By Matt Steele | 10

#7980177 - Sunday 21 March 2021 7:21

did you get ritten up ? or you still got the job ?

raingirl | 5

#7980202 - Sunday 21 March 2021 9:07

I wondered the same

By raingirl | 5

#7980203 - Sunday 21 March 2021 9:09

daddy issues 🤣

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7980571 - Monday 22 March 2021 18:13

To be fair, Captain Holt has got it going on.