Today, I was peacefully using the toilet when I heard a familiar crunching sound behind me. After shooting up and frantically looking around, I hesitantly closed the toilet lid - just in time to see a black cockroach slip into a crevice of the toilet. The thing was close enough to go up my butt. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I thought I felt something itch my butt as I sat down on the toilet. Sure it was just my imagination, I did my business. When I was done I saw there were 4 cockroaches crawling under the seat. FML
Today, I was abruptly woken by a scratching at my butthole that felt like a spider with a million legs. I've never leapt out of bed so fast. When my partner shined a light on the bed, we discovered it was a cockroach. FML
Today, I was stuck on the toilet with a huge stomachache after eating bad food the day before. I got up to flush when I noticed that there was a cockroach struggling feebly in the pile of crap. I'll never know if it got there before or after I crapped. FML
Today, I saw a roach on my toilet. I thought it would be funny to pee on it. It jumped out, which scared me; I hit my head on the wall and started bleeding, then I peed all over myself and the wall. FML
Today, I heard a blood-curdling scream from the bathroom. I discovered my husband, naked and with his pants around his ankles, standing in the bathtub and pointing at a cockroach on the ground. After disposing of the body, I had to stay and comfort him while he wiped his ass. FML
Today, while I was on the toilet, my cat managed to climb up behind me, slip and then grip itself to my bare ass. In my haste to get away from the cat, I pooped on the toilet without noticing. Until I sat back down. FML
Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to go pee. While in the bathroom, I felt something move inside my shirt but just ignored it, thinking it was my shirt brushing on something. Something moved again. I ripped my shirt off to reveal a massive cockroach inside my shirt. FML
Today, I got up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water. I felt something get caught in my throat so I coughed and spluttered a bit. When I turned on the lights I discovered I'd coughed up a cockroach. FML
Today, while making my daily offering of turd to the porcelain throne, I took out my phone and started playing a game. I suddenly felt a tickling sensation on my leg, and I freaked out as I saw hundreds of ants had emerged from behind the toilet. FML
Today, I was playing my guitar and felt something like an itch under my foot, so I attempted to scratch it by rubbing against the floor. The big cockroach made a very distinct "crunch". FML
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Top comments
Infamous_Pickle 21
Oh goodness that's horrible. But hey, look on the bright side. At least it didn't
nonsense_ok 11
At least it didn't go up your butt?
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Comments (48)
mcilduff 20
Dammit im reading this on the toilet.
TheNewGuy03 29
My asshole clenched while reading this. No kidding.
blackwindowsare 6
it probably couldn't have crawled up your asshole. Gross though.
nanaangel1717 2
unless you just got done with anal
Spongegar123 19
Wow OP that sucks. Hope it doesn't happen again. FYL
writerchic85 26
Why does the color of the cockroach matter? Racist.
TheNewGuy03 29
#RoachLivesMatter
Tarlachia 33
I'm hung up on "familiar"... This is a common problem for you?
petert71 10
You shouldn't feel bad that Kevin the cockroach didn't go up your butt. Think of how traumatic it would have been for Kevin.
ScarletteNyte 16
I got stuck on "shooting up" for a while. Do you mean you jumped from being startled? Because that could also mean you injected drugs. Not saying you do drugs, I just watch too many crime shows.
yerawizardlizzy 27
It's pretty clear they mean they stood up very quickly.
rissa5214 14
I needed this explained too lol
rodrigun449 16
I realized that you mean "shooting up" as sitting up really fast. However, I still imagined a guy trying heroine for the first time while a cockroach plans to enter his butthole.
snelliverse 11
This happened to me with an earwig. Now every time I go to use the toilet I lift the seat and put it back down before doing anything.