By ADanceWithDavos - United Kingdom

Freaked out

Today, I woke up to an old lady right outside my open window, saying "Hello in there! Are you sleepy?" I was so startled that I answered her. She screamed. Turns out she's my neighbour's elderly mother, didn't know I was in there, and was talking to my cat. FML

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Serious times

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Please like me

By fiery - United States

Today, I was reaching for something in the back of the refrigerator. The bottle of hot sauce that was in front of it fell and broke. Not only did the glass cut my feet up, but the hot sauce got in the fresh wounds. FML

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By bun593 - United States

Today, I gave a technical presentation to a group of male colleagues. I was surprised by how attentive they were until I went to the washroom and realized that they could see every detail of my nipples through my new shirt. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my parents held a big family dinner at our house. Being the only underage person there, I had to sit there while everyone got progressively drunker and started commenting on how eerily similar I look to Shamu the whale. FML

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By bastawhiz - United States

Today, a professor approached me in the hall to ask if, since I'm a math major, I could tutor one of her communications majors in a required Calculus course. Apparently the volunteer tutor the school provides "is a complete dumbass." I'm the school's volunteer tutor. FML

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By Anonymous

That sucks

Today, I bought a new vacuum cleaner after having to go several months without one. Immediately, I wanted to try it out. I must have underestimated how powerful it was, as it sucked up my socks and then broke. FML

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By shitfaced - Netherlands - Sassenheim

Today, I kissed my girlfriend for the first time. She recoiled in horror and asked if someone had taken a shit in my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/6/2020 20:02

Surprise strike

Today, as I was walking home with dinner, a pigeon pooped on my leg like a dive bomb. My hands were full carrying the food, so I had to walk the rest of the way with a smear on my jeans that everyone knew what it was. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Charlottetown

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend and sister fooling around in the shower together. Supposedly, she was sleepwalking, and he was trying to wake her up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to do something that many young technologically-savvy people fear. I had to get on my dad's Facebook for him to delete a rather scandalous photo of his genitals he accidentally uploaded. FML

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By baddad - United States

Today, I started shaking my son's Little Bill doll in frustration, as the batteries weren't working. My nosy neighbor saw through the window and called the cops. They wouldn't believe me and now the whole neighborhood thinks I'm a child abuser. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to patiently listen as a customer nattered on and on about how incompetent I was for not stocking the movie she was looking for. It took nearly 20 minutes to get her to calm down long enough for me to explain that there is no such movie as "Hobbits With Shotguns". FML

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By smellslikeahangover - United States - San Francisco

Today, while waiting for an interview at the career that I've been spending months tailoring my résumé for, I was thrown up on by my only competitor. Guess who got the job. FML

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By moneymoneymoney - United States - Tampa

Today, my financial troubles got so bad, I contemplated visiting a friend simply so I could swipe their deodorant. FML

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By the_lonely_life - United States

Today, I cleaned up my brother's room, since he's moved out. Under the bed I found a Doritos bag full of used condoms. FML

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By Tabby Rosas - 21/2/2021 21:30

Slid right out

Today, after 8 days of being on a medication that makes it hard to go to the bathroom and no luck taking laxatives and drinking coffee and apple juice, I finally got to go. Too bad I was at my desk at work when it happened. I washed out my pants in the bathroom and got to sit in wet pants for 4 hours. FML

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By BriarFace - United States - Springfield

Today, I put up a sign asking motorcyclists to slow down near horses, as the noise can spook them. While I was riding near the sign, a biker slowed to read it, looked at me, then revved his engine loudly and raced off. My horse bucked me off into some brambles and bolted. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2020 20:03 - United States - Herndon

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Today, I learned that my best friend has been cheating on his girlfriend for 2 months. This is the same person who, 2 months ago, wanted to break our friendship off because he thought we "got too close" and felt like he was cheating on his girlfriend by spending too much time with me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a job interview with a man that I got drunk with at a bar on Saturday night. He spent an hour telling me things I did that I don't even remember. FML

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By Good choice cat - United States - San Francisco

Today, I learned that I'm the only person in my family that our new cat likes. She sleeps on my bed and always sits in my lap and despises everyone else. I'm allergic to cats. FML

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By PissedOff

Today, my husband sent me a short video of my snoring last night because I wanted to hear how bad I sound. The first few seconds went by OK, but for the rest of the clip I could barely hear anything else over the sound of my husband taking a long piss in our bathroom. FML

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By Person in Alaska with a Ferret - United States

Today, I found out that my ferret, which my parents had told me ran away a few years ago, was actually given to my cousin while I was at a friend's house. My parents didn't want to deal with him anymore and gave him away for free. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my girlfriend left me. I have no clue what to do with the holiday we have booked or the ring I was going to propose to her with on Valentine's Day. FML

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By grossedout - United States

Today, I was helping an old lady at my job. While I was in mid-sentence, she coughed wet phlegm directly into my mouth. It tasted vile and caused me to have a panic attack while working. FML

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By nofriends - United States

Today, after going to T-Mobile thinking my phone won't receive texts, I found out that my phone is perfectly fine, my friends just don't text me back. FML

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By Calimero0 - 24/3/2020 16:00

All-natural, Facebook-sourced, Mother-in-law

Today, my mother-in-law thinks she's the only person in the world who can stop the coronavirus crisis. So far, she has brought thyme, honey, lemons, parsley, ridiculously expensive and poisonous silver water and, of course, the cure-all: berry juice. You'd wonder how I have managed to keep my family alive until now. FML

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By Anonymous

Heart = Broken

Today, I got my lady bits waxed for my man with a little heart-shaped landing strip. Later, as he removed my panties, he crinkled his nose and stated, "It looks like Donald Trump." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2020 02:00

It found you

Today, a dog came up to me while I was sitting on my porch. I used my belt as a leash to go try to find its owner. After an hour of looking in the rain, I gave up and let it go. Now I'm back in my house and it won't stop pawing and barking at my door. It's 3:00 a.m. FML

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By waste of effort - United Kingdom

Today, my fiancée called our engagement off, because apparently she's actually a complete idiot who will believe anything that a slimy con artist tells her. In this case, a "psychic" who mumbled some shit about me having "a dark aura." FML

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By needagoodlaugh - United States - West Linn

Today, after complaining about the clocks still being an hour ahead from daylights savings, my work finally changed the time on all the clocks in the building. Now all the clocks are two hours ahead. FML

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By jam - Australia

Today, I received a parking fine for $147. My car isn't even worth that much. FML

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By Black - Lebanon

Today, I caught my cat humping my dog while he was asleep. I'm sleeping with the door closed from now on. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at a concert, I stepped into a restroom to use my nasal spray since my allergies were acting up. Apparently, someone thought that I had been snorting coke in the stall. I was escorted outside and had to wait for the cops until I could explain everything. I missed the headliner. FML

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By SayWhat - United States

Today, I went to throw out the garbage outside. I noticed at the bottom of my can was a lot of rice. I was angry at my brother for making a mess. As I went to clean it up, the rice moved. It wasn't rice, it was maggots. FML

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By Datingdisaster

Today, I went on a date. We met in the parking lot of a restaurant. As I approached his car he took one look at me, said "Nope", and drove off. FML

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By Anonymous

If only they hadn't learned to read…

Today, I was hosting my kid's birthday party. I had a bunch of small trinkets, so I grabbed the first container I could find to put them in. It wasn’t until I went out and someone yelled, "I’ll take a heavy flow!" that I realized it was an empty tampon box. FML

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By smallpaycheck - United States

Today, I was working at a shoe store and was helping a dude try on shoes. He looked like trouble and I wanted to finish with him. When he finally picked his shoes, he abruptly stood up and ran out of the store with the shoes on. The cost of them was deducted from my salary. $240. FML

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By oldmold - 23/7/2020 17:01

Extreme cooking

Today, my husband and I got into a huge argument. He called me wasteful for throwing out old food. He insisted that you can simply pick the mold off and the food was perfectly fine. He’s going to kill our kids. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I went to an Honors Convocation for my school. I received a letter a few weeks earlier telling me I received an award. Surprised and proud, I invited my family to join me to see what award I was receiving. I couldn't find my name in the program. I was invited by mistake. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, my "best friend" stole almost $1,000 worth of electronics and video games from my roommates and me, just so he could pawn them off and buy himself a new car stereo. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my mom said that if I wasn't her daughter, she probably wouldn't even like me. FML

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Top comments

By guci101 | 14

#6001085 - Monday 7 July 2014 23:21

On the bright side, she wasn't there to murder you!

By bachoman | 10

#6001093 - Monday 7 July 2014 23:23

Her being frightened is her own fault. It's a bit more than creepy to stand right outside someone's window and speak to their animals.

COMMENTS

By guci101 | 14

#6001085 - Monday 7 July 2014 23:21

On the bright side, she wasn't there to murder you!

Reply

ColonelCusswords | 24

#6001135 - Monday 7 July 2014 23:50

if thats the bright side, whats the bad side?

Reply

brand125 | 17

#6001155 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 0:08

21 - umm, the fml you just read?

Reply

whatafuckup | 14

#6001159 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 0:13

Don't kill her

Reply

ColonelCusswords | 24

#6001180 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 0:44

#28 its a joke you didnt need to overthink it i meant that thats a realy extreme good side and i was saying "whats the. bad side" looking for a realy extreme bad side. But then you ruined it

Reply

zarosian | 17

#6001237 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 2:15

What are you on about?

Reply

acerredrum | 23

#6001269 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 3:18

@35, no the joke simply wasn't funny.

Reply

rocker_chick105 | 31

#6001315 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 4:36

35- I've seen a few of your comments. Either you're a troll, or just not cut out for this commenting thing...

Reply

zandalee | 19

#6001537 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 10:37

Bit of a relief she wasn't carrying a dripping hypothermic needle...

Reply

Jghaugland | 6

#6001780 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 15:47

I can see the angels!

Reply

incoherentrmblr | 21

#6001963 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 19:30

Damn, crazy cat ladies are everywhere, even in your own house...

By samquenda | 8

#6001088 - Monday 7 July 2014 23:21

What a catastrophe!

Reply

jad0016 | 12

#6001103 - Monday 7 July 2014 23:27

That pun is starting to get old with it being on every cat FML

Reply

ColonelCusswords | 24

#6001137 - Monday 7 July 2014 23:51

Can you not do that ever

Reply

cakefete2 | 30

#6001207 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 1:19

I think the only way to put a paws to the puns is to cat-ch and fine the perpetrators.

Reply

kelsorg | 21

#6001224 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 1:45

at least she didn't try to emphasize CAT

Reply

cakefete2 | 30

#6001230 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 2:03

Why would I do that? You should lay down. You're probably not feline too well.

Reply

MrConcise | 34

#6001275 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 3:45

@39 - *feline the perpawtrators.
Fix'd.

Reply

MrConcise | 34

#6001276 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 3:51

@39 - Hilariously enough my eyes glazed over while I reading the exact same puns being used in the comments you left. Please sue me, I deserve it for how inattentive I can be.

Reply

Dgarcia2014 | 13

#6001313 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 4:35

@39 how about purrrrrpawtrators? :D ? No? :(

Reply

christian1509 | 21

#6001348 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 4:56

With these puns it's always 50/50 sometimes they work out sometimes they get down voted to hell

Reply

JMichael | 25

#6001384 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 5:26

this just goes to show it doesn't matter how gorgeous your profile pic makes you look, people really hate a bad pun.

Reply

liloldme76 | 14

#6002010 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 20:10

Looks like the cats out of the bag

By colby6666 | 42

#6001089 - Monday 7 July 2014 23:22

Creepy either way...

Reply

rich443 | 22

#6001143 - Monday 7 July 2014 23:55

creepy old person strikes again

By sammiixoxo | 12

#6001091 - Monday 7 July 2014 23:23

Next time keep your window close just in case

Reply

enddmd | 27

#6001132 - Monday 7 July 2014 23:47

*hugs window to keep it close*

Reply

ColonelCusswords | 24

#6001140 - Monday 7 July 2014 23:53

i dont think i could live without my window by my side, its been there for me ever since i first laid eyes on it

Reply

ohSNAPyall | 26

#6001690 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 14:27

Really, 23? I can see right through mine.

By bachoman | 10

#6001093 - Monday 7 July 2014 23:23

Her being frightened is her own fault. It's a bit more than creepy to stand right outside someone's window and speak to their animals.

Reply

ColonelCusswords | 24

#6001144 - Monday 7 July 2014 23:55

That depends if she was about to knock on her door or something

Reply

EdenCrystal | 21

#6001160 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 0:16

#26, why would she do that if she didn't even know OP?

Reply

shessohighh | 10

#6001827 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 16:59

To be fair, she is old. Old people tend to unknowingly do creepy things from time to time.

By ThomasBombadil | 31

#6001098 - Monday 7 July 2014 23:26

What you get for taking a cat nap.

By xleahx131 | 9

#6001099 - Monday 7 July 2014 23:26

I hope you didn't give her a heart attack! But she sounds cute

By TrialErrorTrial | 14

#6001100 - Monday 7 July 2014 23:26

She knew the cat had an owner so I blame that one on her.

By RenoTheRhino | 30

#6001101 - Monday 7 July 2014 23:26

You gotta watch out for those old ladies. They always try to steal cats for some reason..

Reply

ColonelCusswords | 24

#6001147 - Monday 7 July 2014 23:56

Anyone remember that post about some dudes neighbor taking his dog

Reply

sk8rdud3 | 24

#6001317 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 4:37

#27, yup

By tony2win | 5

#6001104 - Monday 7 July 2014 23:28

You should have had a conversation with her pretending to be the cat. "Yup, just have myself a bath, now it's nap time"

Reply

jerryj | 27

#6001407 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 5:53

That's a great idea. However, using perfect spelling may blow the cover.

Reply

ohSNAPyall | 26

#6001694 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 14:28

I doubt the neighbor will hear her spelling.