By Nightmares - United States

FML Uncensored

Today, I surprisingly found two empty seats on the subway. Before anyone could get to them, I rushed and triumphantly sat down, enjoying my victory, until I noticed why they were empty. I had just sat down next to a guy vigorously trying to fellate himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32459

You deserved it

8218

Favorite

Intimacy

Ideal first date

Keep your enemies closer

I guess that's why they call it an intravitreal injection

By Anonymous - United States - Cuyahoga Falls

Today, I mixed up my chapstick and cork grease. Now my clarinet smells like cherries, and my lips smell like a gym floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32382

You deserved it

7162

Favorite

By Mintspice - United States

Today, my friends decided to pull a prank. They told my girlfriend I had cheated on her, which I hadn't. Her revenge? Inviting me over to have me walk in on her with my brother. Our 6 month anniversary was two days away and I got her a trip to Spain, which cost me almost three pay-checks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3941

Phew, glad it wasn't me

591

Favorite

By LittleFriend

Today, I was told I will receive no Christmas or birthday presents for the next 3 years because my parents paid for my rhinoplasty. I needed it because my 12-year-old brother smashed my nose with a hammer in a fit of rage. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5839

You deserved it

279

Favorite

By kutekittykatz - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, while ironing some shirts, my cat decided to hop up and investigate. To prevent him from burning himself, I instinctively moved the iron away and placed it flat on my other hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47188

You deserved it

14555

Favorite

By ipayyourbillsgorramit - Australia - Queanbeyan

Today, after getting home from a twelve-hour shift at work, I got into bed and passed out. My mother soon woke me up, screaming that she could tell I was "fake sleeping" and ignoring her lecture on how I need to stop being so "lazy". FML

I agree, your life sucks

28329

You deserved it

1896

Favorite

By emisara93

Today, I chipped my tooth by biting down on my toothbrush. I don't know what hurts more: the irony or the fact I have no dental insurance until January. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3617

You deserved it

429

Favorite

By Daddy - France

Today, I gave my son a bollocking for losing a very important paper that I needed for work. I've just found it in my right pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8452

You deserved it

59538

Favorite

By Ishnar - 2/2/2021 05:01 - United States

PMS PSA

Today, while my partner usually has their work mic muted, I went in and complained about my period. Turns out today was the one day they didn't have it muted. Their whole team heard, and I used to work with some of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

310

You deserved it

772

Favorite

By not as easy as pie - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to explain to a police officer that I wasn't drunk and had swerved because I was eating pie and almost dropped it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16183

You deserved it

21249

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Seattle

Today, I was meeting my boyfriend's family for the first time. The minute I stepped in the door his mother hit me in the face and kicked me out because I was "the slut her husband cheated on her with." My older sister and I look much alike. Too much alike. FML

I agree, your life sucks

68672

You deserved it

4652

Favorite

By ShadowJack - United States

Today, my mom walked in on me masturbating. She didnt look away and we stared at each other for a while; then she asked me what I wanted from McDonalds. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41305

You deserved it

9723

Favorite

By anonymous - Canada

Today, I saw an elderly woman struggling to reach the top shelf in my local grocery store, so I went over and asked if she needed help. She then accused me of flirting with her and had me escorted from the property. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20949

You deserved it

1443

Favorite

By fuck - Canada - Cowansville

Today, about 30 seconds into my first blowjob, my girlfriend threatened to cut my balls off if I didn't "just fucking cum already". FML

I agree, your life sucks

31405

You deserved it

3078

Favorite

By Stevejobs

Today, after realizing I had 130 unused vacation hours, I requested two weeks off. My vacation time was denied, but my boss still gave me the time off. So I don't have work for 2 weeks, all unpaid. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3016

You deserved it

188

Favorite

By amie - Canada

You can count on it

Today, my mom said that we needed to have a family meeting because of all the issues that have been going on with our family. My mom, sister and I sat down and began to talk about everything. As I started to cry, my sister looks at my mom and says, "I win!" She bet my mom $20 that I would cry. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45073

You deserved it

7975

Favorite

By race - Australia

Today, I was in a meeting and someone behind me sneezed really loudly. As they were doing so, I felt something cold land on my neck. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33589

You deserved it

2667

Favorite

By 20 - Australia

Today, after buying over $300 worth of food and alcohol, I found out all my friends aren't coming to my New Years party but headed to the BIG party at the local club. The one which I sold my ticket to after my friends convinced me to throw a party instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35971

You deserved it

3088

Favorite

By Shoutout1011

Today, my 6-month-old daughter decided she'd scream every time I'd answer her cries instead of her daddy. He just left for a 12-hour shift at work. Only 11 more hours to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4542

You deserved it

453

Favorite

By soy_un_perderdor - United States

Today, it's Saturday. While all my friends go out to have fun, I get my excitement thinking about how I'll be sleeping with a new pillow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28640

You deserved it

6757

Favorite

By olalala2382 - United States

Today, as I worked the drive-through at Wendy's, the hottest girl from my math class pulled up to the window. As I handed her the drink, I asked her what she thought of our math test today. She screamed "How did you know I had a math test, you creep!", threw the drink at me, and drove off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

91959

You deserved it

7208

Favorite

By pacificbeach - United States

Today, my roommate and I finally got fed up with this increasingly, horrible stench that has been in our apartment for a few days now. Leaving it for our other roommates to handle, we selfishly left to get yogurtland. Moments later, we both expressed that we haven't seen our cat in a while. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15551

You deserved it

55049

Favorite

By EmbarrassedBather

Today, while I was showering, someone left a note on the bathroom door that read, "We can all hear you masturbating. Shut the hell up." I don't know what's more embarrassing, that everyone in my house thought I was masturbating or that I was actually singing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1887

You deserved it

317

Favorite

By billjoebob424 - Canada

My pleasure

Today, I've realised that I give my girlfriend more pleasure with back rubs than with anything sexual. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2186

You deserved it

687

Favorite

By bottlepoppin - United States

Today, a customer opened with "you open bottles with them thangs?" I look around my desk for something he might confuse with an actual bottle opener. His girlfriend then informs me he is talking about my breasts. I work for a bank. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47910

You deserved it

3934

Favorite

By loser

Today I bought the Gold edition to a game for $90. I expected to be very good only to realize it was the same as the previous installment. I went to check the refund policy and it said that I had to have played less than 2 hours, I had 121 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2469

You deserved it

943

Favorite

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my younger brother brought home his new bagpipes. My older brother plays the drums. I'm currently preparing to sit the most important exams of my schooling life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27426

You deserved it

2396

Favorite

By lalalasmiles06

Today, I put a tampon in. The string broke. I had to go to the hospital to get it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45873

You deserved it

7232

Favorite

By fml7458364838 - United States

Today, I was texting the girl I am in love with. I was dropping hints about liking someone who I didn't know if they liked me back. Flirting a little. And just when I thought she'd say she liked me too, she said "Don't worry, if you were straight, I would definitely date you!". FML

I agree, your life sucks

51386

You deserved it

5458

Favorite

By Anonymous - 25/1/2021 05:02

The I in LGBTQA+

Today, like every day, I'm an intersex woman. I can't orgasm, have no vagina, and can't have my own kids. Every new partner I have requires an embarrassing explanation and biology lesson because no one knows what intersex means, even though it's quite common. At least I don't get periods? FML

I agree, your life sucks

947

You deserved it

267

Favorite

By NickJJ - Canada - Toronto

Today, I woke up to somebody shaking my shoulder. I had slept over at a friend's house, so I assumed my friend was just fooling around. With my head under the pillow, I swung my hand at his face then gave him the finger. Turns out, my friend left for basketball and I had slept in. It was his mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43430

You deserved it

18379

Favorite

By JAMjessie - United States

Today, I found out that my boss's ex-husband is my company manager. They are one office space apart and constantly shouting about one another. I'm in that one office space between them. In the office across from me? Their daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12298

You deserved it

857

Favorite

Today, it's been a week and a half since our hot water stopped working. Our landlord said he'll get on to it "in 3 days", after having said this already a few days before. I have to wash myself with a bucket and boiled water. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1976

You deserved it

157

Favorite

By Harry - United States

Today, my dad decided to get his friend to help move our old sofas to save money. Its leg got stuck in the doorway, scratched the entire hallway wall, punched a big hole in it and the other leg made a big dent in our front door. We live in an apartment complex and now have to to pay for everything to be fixed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25162

You deserved it

6216

Favorite

By Rob - United States

Today, I finally released my first music album. I dropped out of college to pay for it after my friends who liked my music urged me to. They keep telling me how much they love the CD. I've only sold one copy. Turns out they put it on a sharing site so only one of them would have to buy it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38720

You deserved it

15379

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw a group of attractive guys at the mall. One of them looked exactly like a friend, so I decided to take a picture. Trying to be discreet, I put my phone up to my ear as if I was making a phone call, and pressed the capture button. The flash went off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9486

You deserved it

46583

Favorite

By Ecolo-girl - France - Quint

Today, my wife, the budding environmentalist, who is also 6 months pregnant, threatened to leave me because according to her I'm responsible for the world's deforestation. I'd only drawn her a picture of her with our baby-to-be. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21940

You deserved it

2008

Favorite

By wallbanger - Australia

Today, my seven-year-old sister came to stay at my house for the night. She usually just sleepwalks. But tonight she sleep-peed in my clean clothes basket. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27391

You deserved it

2402

Favorite

By hrmpf - Germany - Bremen

Today, I went to the hairdresser for the first time in the country I just moved to. Guess I don't speak the language as well as I thought. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21917

You deserved it

2932

Favorite

By RotoRooter - United States

Today, I was about to get it on with a girl in the bathroom of my friend's house at a party. Just when things started getting heated, a pipe burst. Literally. There was water everywhere and everyone had to evacuate the building. I was cockblocked by poor plumbing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

73308

You deserved it

12583

Favorite

By blinded - United States

Today, my little brother learned that breaking a glow stick and emptying it into someone's eyes does not help them see in the dark. It's a good lesson, I just wish he hadn't used my eyes to learn it. The doctor says the burning feeling should go away in 3 or 4 days. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56662

You deserved it

5042

Favorite

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Top comments

By texashater75 | 16

#4784271 - Tuesday 7 August 2012 18:57

That blows.

By rosie981 | 3

#4784243 - Tuesday 7 August 2012 18:54

That's the grossest thing I've ever heard.....

COMMENTS

By rosie981 | 3

#4784243 - Tuesday 7 August 2012 18:54

That's the grossest thing I've ever heard.....

MrCatman1125 | 2

#4784269 - Tuesday 7 August 2012 18:57

What does Fellate mean, and don't tell me to Google it.

singerlove | 14

#4784302 - Tuesday 7 August 2012 18:59

At least he didn't ask for help?

RussianFox | 13

#4784331 - Tuesday 7 August 2012 19:05

Always look before you sit OP that's grotesque.

SaturnV | 25

#4784333 - Tuesday 7 August 2012 19:06

New to the Internet? This seems rather tame, comparatively.

JackeeDawn | 9

#4784341 - Tuesday 7 August 2012 19:07

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Shadomasta | 5

#4784444 - Tuesday 7 August 2012 19:22

^ I see what you tried to do there...

br0ccoli | 14

#4784450 - Tuesday 7 August 2012 19:26

You haven't been on FML long.

Dracoboxer357 | 35

#4784513 - Tuesday 7 August 2012 19:50

47- Well, at least not since that post about the guy driving with his wife when she decides to pull out her currently-being-used tampon and throws it at the car beside them. :p
That was the last really tasteless FML that comes to mind. :p

misterjez | 15

#4784799 - Tuesday 7 August 2012 21:37

Or the girl switching out her used pad in the theater during a movie....

thgiL | 9

#4785117 - Tuesday 7 August 2012 23:17

Shoulda lent him a hand OP lol

br0ccoli | 14

#4785918 - Wednesday 8 August 2012 2:51

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

PinkieKeen | 20

#4786244 - Wednesday 8 August 2012 5:14

OR the lady switching her underwear in public on the sidewalk.

coolidgesmith | 2

#4787026 - Wednesday 8 August 2012 10:39

121: What'd you want her to do, leave it on your counter? In your sink? Assuming it wasn't flushable, which not all are.

itsharkley | 8

#4787490 - Wednesday 8 August 2012 13:58

:megusta:

vintage_doll | 6

#4787803 - Wednesday 8 August 2012 16:12

You say that you could've gone without reading this story, but no one told you to log onto FML, knowing the type of stories that are here. Secondly, OP was referring to a form of transportation..not food.

iloveshim | 14

#4788025 - Wednesday 8 August 2012 17:00

The girl could've wrapped the tampon in toilet paper so it wasn't so out in the open.

Zoh_Aubrey | 8

#4788096 - Wednesday 8 August 2012 17:12

If she was a proper girl she would've wrapped in toilet paper and spray something. And if it stinks that bad, her vag is sick. It shouldn't have a strong smell.

lazyfoo92 | 4

#4790870 - Thursday 9 August 2012 3:35

no shit?!?

XxFA1LxX | 4

#4796185 - Friday 10 August 2012 8:07

It is about the mode of transportation subway, not the restaurant chain 'Subway'.

erjgyflover | 18

#6172624 - Wednesday 14 January 2015 18:22

121- in the garbage is not really out in the open, and where would she put in? On your welcome mat?

leahkasscar | 11

#7517633 - Tuesday 1 August 2017 20:06

It means to put ones penis into your mouth

By rosie981 | 3

#4784244 - Tuesday 7 August 2012 18:54

That's the grossest thing I've ever heard.....

By vcapelo | 19

#4784246 - Tuesday 7 August 2012 18:54

You didn't help him?

Ch0sen | 13

#4784329 - Tuesday 7 August 2012 19:05

He doesn't achieve autofellatio anymore if OP pitches in.

lostinlabels | 8

#4784368 - Tuesday 7 August 2012 19:10

If he was into that it wouldn't be an fml.

onlychildFTW | 33

#4784644 - Tuesday 7 August 2012 20:35

That's a odd thing to do when alone, let alone out in public. It's probably better for OPs health to not do it do some random guy on the subway.

By jacob128 | 4

#4784248 - Tuesday 7 August 2012 18:55

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

SooperSuper | 2

#4784257 - Tuesday 7 August 2012 18:56

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

alicemay | 5

#4784259 - Tuesday 7 August 2012 18:56

Give himself oral

lostinlabels | 8

#4784350 - Tuesday 7 August 2012 19:08

Ask your mom?

JackeeDawn | 9

#4784364 - Tuesday 7 August 2012 19:09

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

slimshadyfan123 | 4

#4784395 - Tuesday 7 August 2012 19:15

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

nina21194 | 12

#4784421 - Tuesday 7 August 2012 19:18

Yep. If they get their bottom 2 ribs removed.

Dekarian | 7

#4784432 - Tuesday 7 August 2012 19:20

41, That's a myth. It's all about flexibility and/or penis size.

TzHaar_Joh_Zuhai | 4

#4784482 - Tuesday 7 August 2012 19:40

I can do it but it hurts me

iFizzgig | 11

#4784619 - Tuesday 7 August 2012 20:28

52- cool story

Slender_Man | 6

#4784673 - Tuesday 7 August 2012 20:50

Self bj

dogpup4 | 23

#4784722 - Tuesday 7 August 2012 21:12

10 years old?

Dunvanation | 4

#4784769 - Tuesday 7 August 2012 21:26

Oh crap! An fml official! ^

Sirin_fml | 46

#4784781 - Tuesday 7 August 2012 21:29

Oh no! Get the bear traps!

BradTheBrony | 19

#4784788 - Tuesday 7 August 2012 21:30

#43 Hey, the belly plays a big part too! Beer-bellied folks can't do it.

ant1ion | 12

#4784870 - Tuesday 7 August 2012 22:13

90 knows from experience

Popcornography | 8

#4785255 - Tuesday 7 August 2012 23:42

Dear mods,
Are we ever going to be able to vote on your comments? :)

coughyochick | 7

#4785626 - Wednesday 8 August 2012 1:07

Suck his own D

TheDrudgeChild | 4

#4785661 - Wednesday 8 August 2012 1:15

106 - Many of the idiots on here would abuse that privilege.

fbear10 | 5

#4785740 - Wednesday 8 August 2012 1:38

I dont care if you thumb me down for this , but if this person didnt understand what that meant obviously he or she is gonna ask :/

Shrike | 22

#4785823 - Wednesday 8 August 2012 2:11

^ GTFO, troll.

slipmaster | 6

#4786069 - Wednesday 8 August 2012 3:58

haha peole speak first think later

quite_bored | 9

#4786601 - Wednesday 8 August 2012 8:17

125, some people type and proofread never.

nora6699 | 4

#4788563 - Wednesday 8 August 2012 19:21

Tmi

ww2freak | 6

#4791096 - Thursday 9 August 2012 4:38

I bet it does

panda_burrito | 2

#4797695 - Friday 10 August 2012 19:27

Thank you.

max_attack_4 | 0

#5161169 - Sunday 18 November 2012 16:36

That's gross.

By flutter4 | 7

#4784252 - Tuesday 7 August 2012 18:55

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

starsfan_9 | 7

#4784896 - Tuesday 7 August 2012 22:29

5 - You're a glass half full kind of guy, aren't you?

Awkward_Science | 2

#4784921 - Tuesday 7 August 2012 22:35

I think the glass is half full of himself.

MyNameIsViet | 15

#4785198 - Tuesday 7 August 2012 23:30

Nah, he's a glass half empty headed kind of guy.

flutter4 | 7

#4785222 - Tuesday 7 August 2012 23:35

I'm a girl

asoptavlo14 | 6

#4786053 - Wednesday 8 August 2012 3:55

^ Combo breaker.

xXCherrryBombXx | 6

#4820819 - Thursday 16 August 2012 8:39

I think everyone missed the sarcasm there...

By DracoSpirita | 21

#4784254 - Tuesday 7 August 2012 18:56

That's simply disgusting. I hope you called the guards and told them what he was doing.

MURIKKA | 11

#4784543 - Tuesday 7 August 2012 20:03

Called the guards? It was a subway, not a medieval castle. You don't have a bunch of guards within shouting distance on a subway...

DracoSpirita | 21

#4784555 - Tuesday 7 August 2012 20:08

In the state where I live, there are no subways. I wasn't sure what the people who keep peace on them are called. I apologize if I offended you in some way.

Feared | 9

#4784595 - Tuesday 7 August 2012 20:20

61- It offends me when people apologize for possibly offending, when they know fully well that what they said wasn't offensive, but rather unintentionally idiotic.