By that'sokay - 12/5/2020 23:00

Deception

Today, I found out the guy I have been sleeping with didn't actually break up with his girlfriend. She just moved for a few weeks during quarantine. They are now living with each other, and I'm alone and confused. FML

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All in the family

Fear factor

Assumptions

By the_dog_sitter - 13/3/2009 06:19 - United States

Today, I was walking my friend's dog around the neighborhood, as I was walking I noticed a little girl fall off her bike. I let go of the dog and ran over to help. The girl was ok but the dog ran into the street and got hit by a truck. FML

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By burr415 - 20/4/2012 22:55 - Sweden - H?gersten

Today, my friend was waiting outside the store while I bought a newspaper. Through the window, I saw two guys getting physical with him, so I went outside and they took off. I muttered, "Yeah, I thought so." They then turned around and beat the crap out of us. FML

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By Poorphone - 8/12/2016 17:23 - United States - Denver

Today, my car got stuck in a foot of snow. I tried desperately digging around my wheels to see if it would help. I was finally able to get out 10 minutes later only to realize that I had dropped my phone in the snow while I was digging and had run over it. FML

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By no one - 21/5/2011 09:07 - United States

You've got a friend

Today, I woke up to a mosquito feeding on my morning wood; probably the only thing that will ever suck my penis. FML

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By life_suxxx - 17/12/2009 06:09 - United States

Today, I come home to find that my dog has taken a dump on my bed. I quickly put on my house shoes to avoid possibly stepping on any other of his turds. I felt something squish all over my right foot. He also took a dump in my house shoe. FML

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33424

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By Anonymous - 24/12/2012 06:37 - United States - Conover

Today, a woman at work was complaining about her weight. She looked pretty thin, so to make her feel better, I said that she looked small. She said "Well, you haven't seen me naked." For some reason, I replied, "Not that you know of." FML

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By shewantsmedead - 26/1/2017 18:00

Today, I ran into my mother-in-law, who I absolutely can't stand, with my car at 5mph by accident. She jumped out in front of me after a particularly nasty argument, but my husband won't believe me and neither will the police. FML

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By that one anon - 7/5/2015 06:27 - United States - San Diego

Today, I called one of my old coworkers to see how she was doing. My boyfriend answered the phone. FML

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By Annoyed - 11/5/2016 01:23 - United States - Panama City Beach

Today, one of my students stole my wallet. I teach kindergarten. FML

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14310

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By hardtoignore - 3/10/2011 01:34 - United States

Today, after reading about seduction techniques, I wore shades and a brightly colored shirt to a club to attract female attention. However, the sunglasses rendered me almost blind, and I tripped over a step, crashed into tables, and thanks to the shirt, everyone saw it happen in glorious technicolor. FML

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By Pokemon problems - 23/10/2012 22:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I babysat a 10-year-old and we played Pokémon. It was my first time playing, so he showed me. I ended up winning and the kid started crying and told his parents he hated me. They decided not to pay me for the night, and now I'm out of a job. FML

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27303

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By malicious_melons - 7/7/2013 23:41 - United States - Santa Paula

Today, my mother had a full-on hissy fit because of the clothes I was wearing. Not because she thought they were inappropriate, but because I was "stealing her look." FML

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44078

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By natashamilan - 26/2/2015 01:43 - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, I was at a friend's birthday party when I got a call from my mom telling me to come home because my dog died. When I told my friend that I had to leave because of the loss, she replied with, "Okay, but you brought my gift inside, right?" FML

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By Drunkactor - 3/8/2019 06:00 - United States

Today, my boss fired me because of my drinking problem. The reason he thinks I have a drinking problem? I was in a play he saw, in which I played a drunk person. I've been completely sober my whole life. FML

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1976

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2012 03:30 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. Afterwards, he said he was in love with me and that he wants to be with me forever. It was also at this time I realised that I can't stand him. FML

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By dine and DASH our friendship - 2/5/2017 00:11

Today, I served my good friend and his girlfriend at the restaurant where I work. They did a "dine and dash". FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2012 17:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I accidentally dropped a sculpture at college, and it broke. Some weirdo wearing a pink cape and a fake moustache bitched me out and told me not to be such an attention-seeking drama queen. FML

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By oh, good - 15/9/2019 02:02 - United Kingdom - Bath

Poor Mickey

Today, my cat was looking a little peaky. After craning my neck to check for lumps under his chin, he felt this was the perfect time to throw up a half-digested mouse onto my face. FML

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1473

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By impishsamaritan - 7/9/2019 22:00

Toxic Managers

Today, I had to pretend in front of our director that my manager is a nice person. In reality, she's a soul-sucking bully who has made my life so miserable that twice I was on the brink of nervous breakdown. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2013 20:36

Today, the mother of one of my students bitched me out about her son's poor grades. He lazes around all day, paying no attention and being a constant nuisance. But, she says it's not his fault, and demands that I give him better grades so he won't get "self-esteem" issues. FML

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By erectioninfection - 1/5/2009 18:21 - United States

Today, I had an ultrasound in fear of testicular cancer. I apparently signed papers allowing an intern to do it for practice. She was in her early 20s and smoking hot so as she was rubbing jelly on my testes I got an erection. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/7/2016 00:56 - Canada - Concord

Today, I fell off the top of my bunk bed in my sleep onto a running fan. FML

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By UltraHoe69 - 6/1/2011 22:57 - United States

Today, in gym class, we were forced to learn the "Hoedown Throwdown" dance, by Miley Cyrus. This will actually be counted toward my grade. I'm in high school. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/6/2015 04:17 - Canada - Barrie

Today, my husband ruined the laundry once again. He forgot to empty his pants pockets before washing them. Last time he left an ink pen in them. This time it was a strawberry. FML

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By Brittany - 28/3/2012 02:38 - United States - Kerrville

Today, I failed my driving test. I rammed into the parallel parking poles, ran a stop sign, and stopped at a cross intersection. My instructor called me an idiot. FML

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By vegeta - 24/12/2018 20:00

Today, I’ve been getting sexy messages from an unknown number. First I told her to stop multiple times, then I blocked her. I can only assume that she changed her number and managed to find me and message me again. My girlfriend saw the messages and told me flatly “It’s over.” FML

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By Anonymous - 1/2/2016 12:00 - United States - Montgomery

Today, I accidentally walked in on my sister shaving, naked. I don't know what's worse, the fact I've now seen her nude, or that she looks ten times better than any girl I've ever slept with. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2013 11:44 - United States

Today, I found out this girl I had sex with lied to me. They weren't razor burn bumps. And I now have them. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2009 20:05 - United States

Today, I was at home with slight constipation, so I took two laxatives. That's when my boyfriend called me, saying his parents are in town and want to have dinner tonight, this being the first time I've met them. I've already been on the toilet five times. FML

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By bigbuldge - 17/9/2019 00:01

Roommate From Hell

Today, my roommate whipped my face with a frozen chicken cutlet. My cheek is now the size of the chicken cutlet, and now he won't drive me to the hospital because it's "too funny to look at." FML

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By Username - 10/10/2011 03:30 - United States

Today, a highly intoxicated man came into my workplace and complained that the medicine that I'd prescribed for his dog almost choked him. I work at Blockbuster. FML

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By embarassed - 14/1/2011 10:11 - United States

Today, I got off work and checked my makeup in the mirror once I got in my car. I had a huge piece of spinach on my front tooth that no one told me about. I work the front desk of an upscale hotel and have been greeting guests all day. FML

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By yup - 5/6/2011 07:23 - United States

Today, I thought it would be hot if I sent my boyfriend kinky message. He didn't reply so I sent a few more. 10 minutes later I got a reply saying, "Honey, this is his mom and you should be a little less desperate." FML

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By Paco4242 - 13/6/2009 01:47 - United States

Today, I found out that my 'girlfriend', who I've been emailing with, was really my friend playing a prank on me. He asked me for naked pictures of myself and I sent them to him. FML

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By gottalovefriends - 23/4/2012 04:04 - United States - Atkinson

Today, it was my wedding day. With my best friend as the priest, she asked, "Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?" After saying I do, she then turned to him and asked, "Do you want to bang my friend?" Everyone laughed, except my already disapproving father. FML

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By Your ass... Grab it... - 4/7/2013 22:30 - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I was out on a leisurely jog. Out of nowhere, a car slowed down in the street, and a passenger screamed "HAPPY 4TH OF JULY, MOTHERFUCKER," before tossing a lit Roman Candle at my feet. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/8/2012 14:52 - United States

Today, I took my first fare as a qualified taxi-driver. The pride soon diminished as I was forced to listen to my passenger give a greatly detailed description of his recent colonoscopy. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2012 00:39 - United States

Today, I broke a nail at school. The edge kept getting caught on things, so I thought I could file it down by rubbing it on my jeans. Apparently it looked like I was doing something else, because I was called into the principal's office to discuss why "certain things" should be done in private. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2009 19:22 - Canada

Today, I got a parking ticket for $150. It seems it was issued by my husband, who apparently can't remember license plate numbers. FML

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By heartbroke - 3/11/2012 10:02 - United States - Erie

Today, my girlfriend did the walk of shame in a skimpy Halloween costume after a night of drunken sex. Problem? The walk ended at my doorstep, and the sex was with a stranger. FML

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Top comments

By AmbrosiaFan | 17

#7905707 - Tuesday 12 May 2020 23:42

You didn't call him boyfriend, you called him "guy I have been sleeping with"...

By LadyRen | 19

#7905717 - Wednesday 13 May 2020 1:44

How are you confused? You were never the girlfriend, since you just called him “guy I was sleeping with”. And now he’s living with his actual girlfriend, who he was still with. How is that confusing? You were the side chick.

Comments

By AmbrosiaFan | 17

#7905707 - Tuesday 12 May 2020 23:42

You didn't call him boyfriend, you called him "guy I have been sleeping with"...

By LadyRen | 19

#7905717 - Wednesday 13 May 2020 1:44

By pawesome21 | 21

#7905719 - Wednesday 13 May 2020 1:56

It’s 2020... you were the side check, random guy you’ve been sleeping with? You do not even consider your boyfriend. Seems pretty straight forward to me.