By Anonymous - 12/5/2020 20:00

Vultures

Today, after spending a few weeks getting to know my birth father and thinking he seemed decent, he's realised my adoptive parents aren’t rich and no, I can’t lend him a few grand. Now, he’s vanished and written several nasty Facebook posts about not being able to trust family. FML

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My body, my choice

They're everywhere

TMI

By AnAngryyGiraffe - 6/12/2016 04:46 - United States - Chatsworth

Today, after dropping my phone in the toilet, I left it dismantled outside in my backyard to dry hoping it could be saved. I forgot about the phone as well as the sprinklers that were scheduled to go off. FML

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By Jesus - 27/9/2011 02:03 - Canada

Today, I saw what I thought was a spider. Wanting to kill it as quickly as possible, I smacked my hand against the wall with force. It was a nail. FML

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By presente13 - 17/5/2013 04:35 - United States

Today, my family and friends decided to throw a surprise party for my 16th birthday. I was so surprised that the shortness of breath triggered a serious asthma attack. FML

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By flattened - 10/2/2011 10:58

Today, my mum got an electric car. It's so quiet that we could hear the bones of my cat break as we reversed over it on the driveway. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2010 08:10 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I had an argument. She admitted she didn't know why she was pissed at me, but still is, and now she won't talk to me. FML

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By nadette - 25/5/2009 16:43 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She told me that her father didn't approve of me and forced her out of the relationship. Her father died 2 years ago. FML

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By Oops - 25/12/2012 11:17 - United States - Augusta

Today, I was at Walmart when I saw my grandpa in the next aisle looking at magazines. Wanting to surprise him, I ran up behind him and hugged him around the middle. Up close, I realized he wasn't my grandpa. FML

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By bananaman - 11/4/2011 20:07 - United Kingdom

Today, I've been on the same train for two hours at a standstill due to "signal problems". We can't get off because it's "unsafe". I'm on my way home from work and I can see my house through the window. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/4/2016 21:01 - United States - East Orange

Today, I asked a customer for a number we could call her at to let her know when we'd finished fixing her PC. I'm so desperately lonely that when she wrote it down for me, I got a raging boner. FML

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By LGFLIPSTER - 31/8/2009 03:32 - Canada

Today, I was strolling past an old women when from behind she called "can you help me get the rest of the groceries out of the car?" I approached the car, and helped her un-load bags. She began hitting me, screaming "SOMEONE IS STEALING MY THINGS". She was actually asking her son in the car. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2011 17:44 - United States

Today, I actually resorted to checking the newspaper obituaries to see where the deceased were employed, just so I can find a job opening. FML

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By xXitslolaXX - 4/6/2009 05:33 - United States

Today, I volunteered for a school play. During rehearsal, I was playing the part of an average housewife. The teacher asked for a volunteer to be my husband. Thirty seconds go by and no one raises their hand. The teacher ended up playing the part because no else wanted to. FML

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By pooh anne - 26/2/2013 20:26 - United States - Fort Smith

Today, I was trying to be sexy and change in front of my boyfriend. As I was changing, he started to talk to me about how we should both try and lose weight. FML

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By Fattie - 9/7/2009 17:50 - Malaysia

Today, I was working at the gas station. An old lady was watching me fill her gas tank. A really beautiful girl walked by. I lost concentration and overfilled the tank. I quickly pulled it out and squirted the old lady with a bit of petrol. She was smiling and gave a slight moan. FML

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By Andrea Trevor - 30/4/2018 01:30

Today, I woke up at 5am to my dog jumping off of my bed. No big deal. I rolled over to the other side of the bed to fall back asleep and my face landed right in a puddle of his pee. I tasted it. FML

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By gemtas5 - 21/9/2013 17:28 - Sweden - Malm?

Today, while sorting through my clothes, I found one of my ex's old sweaters. After a lot of thought and difficulty, I threw it out. I felt empowered, until my father later rifled through my trash and claimed the sweater for himself. FML

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By mentallyscarred - 31/1/2011 09:34 - United States

Today, while I was waiting at a bus stop, a man stopped at the red light and smiled at me. I smiled back. He blew me a kiss and drove away, just as I realized he was masturbating behind the wheel. FML

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By sparkle - 31/1/2010 04:01 - United States

Today, I discovered that my roommate uses her Twitter account to complain about me. FML

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By Kirby - 7/11/2011 04:50 - United States

Today, as I was walking back to my dorm, I looked down and thought "I wonder why the ground is wet in just this one spot." Then I got hit with a water balloon. FML

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By Champion the wonder horse - 28/7/2011 08:15 - United States

Today, a bunch of guys at work chased me down a corridor with a Febreze spray for smelling like I'd been "sleeping in a hollowed-out horse's carcass" and having "the personal hygiene of a billy goat." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/12/2010 07:15 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor's to get a checkup. When the nurse stuck the Otoscope into my ear to look, she was disgusted. When she pulled it out, she told me that I had an ear infection, and that she'd popped a pimple in there by mistake. FML

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By simon - 11/1/2018 06:00

Today, my mother, who insists on sticking her nose into every aspect of my life, found out I'm only "middle management" and called my boss to criticize her for undervaluing me, demanding I be promoted immediately. I am now the laughingstock of my office. FML

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By lmaofuck - 26/5/2016 01:06 - United States - Westerville

Today, I had a guest at my house. I stood up to shake her hand and kiss her on both cheeks, which is common in my culture. When she was kissing my cheeks, I went the opposite way from her and I ended up kissing her on the lips instead. Her eyes went big and I ran away. FML

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By PickYourselfUp - 6/10/2014 03:17 - United States - Chesapeake

Today, was the day I would turn my life around and start losing weight. I went outside for my first run and said, "I got this!" I confidently stepped forward, the first symbolic steps to my new life. In the anticipation, I forgot my porch had steps. I face-planted on my driveway. FML

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By Stupid Pregnancy Brain - 18/11/2016 13:45

Today, I'm 8 weeks pregnant and suffering from severe pregnancy brain. I was making my husband's lunch to take to work. I realised shortly after he left that I'd used dish soap instead of BBQ sauce for his sandwich. He has to turn his phone off for work, so I have no way to warn him. FML

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By Al - 22/6/2009 04:11 - United States

Today, I was walking around the park with my wife. Out of nowhere, a little girl on a bicycle slammed in to me, knocking me to the ground. As I rolled over, sure that my ankle was broken, her father ran over to me. He screamed, "Watch where you're going, douchebag!" FML

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By housebroken - 22/1/2010 06:17 - United States

Today, my godmother informed me that the rule of thumb my ex had used for our relationship during a year of cohabitation was taken directly from a Cesar Millan book on "How to train dogs." FML

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By figcurzyez - 23/5/2016 15:57 - United Kingdom - Harlow

Today, the checkout guy at my local store asked me if I had my hair cut. I answered and started talking about my hair, and he gave me a really weird look. He was talking to his friend, who I hadn't noticed in the queue behind me. FML

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By smiles - 3/12/2014 01:14 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had a performance. I have to go bra-less to wear my gown and I didn't want any peek-a-boos. I asked my boyfriend to bring "large band-aids" without telling him why I needed them. He brought waterproof, top-notch tough ones. They're still stuck to me, and are not coming off anytime soon. FML

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By hoplessG - 24/12/2009 23:37 - United States

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend. I told her best friend the plan the day before. I got reservations to a restaurant on the beach, and we were going to arrive via boat. She never showed. Her parents called me asking why she left town to go to Paris. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2011 21:36 - United States

Today, after volunteering all day at the homeless shelter, I was mugged on my way to my car. FML

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By shart up, your puns suck - 1/6/2014 18:34 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I clogged my girlfriend's toilet, so being a gentleman, I tried to rectify the situation. I plunged the holy fuck out of that damned toilet, only for her to accuse me of jacking off because I was taking so long. When she stormed in and the smell hit her, she called me a pig. I just can't win. FML

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By anon - 25/7/2013 04:44 - United States - Pleasantville

Today, one of my coworkers asked if I hated my life and was depressed because of how I look most of the time. This is just my facial expression. FML

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By sdd - 23/1/2013 15:44 - Switzerland - Lotzwil

Today, I was chatting with my choir leader. I told him that I have been thinking about taking singing lessons. His immediate reaction was, "Thank god, finally!" FML

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By Angry Mob - 1/2/2013 06:09 - Australia - Sydney

Today, most of my neighbours came to my house in an angry mob to complain about my dog barking. I don't have a dog. FML

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By silvercity09 - 26/5/2009 03:04 - Canada

Today, was my sister's and dad's birthday. I accidentally mixed up the gifts I got for them and my dad ended up with a vibrator. He wasn't very happy. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/11/2012 19:47 - Ireland

Today, I had to stand next to my wife at the supermarket, beet-red and pretending not to exist; about half an hour into our shopping, she completely lost her shit at the advertising on the loudspeaker, turned to another patron, and screamed into his face to shut the fuck up. FML

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By Taylor parsons - 29/10/2010 04:48 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was going down on me. She only did it for 30 seconds, stopped, then said, "I'm not in the mood anymore." FML

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By OutoftheLoop - 20/2/2009 09:24 - China

Today, I returned home from college and saw a framed picture of my parents and my younger sister on an elephant in an exotic jungle. I pointed to the picture and asked my mom, "Is this some photoshop job?" She responded, "No, we went to Thailand for a family trip, didn't we tell you?" FML

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By BangBangBzzz - 15/12/2015 22:01

Today, I went for a much needed relaxing massage. As I lay down, the renovation works in the next building started up. FML

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Top comments

By mmdavis | 8

#7905660 - Tuesday 12 May 2020 20:25

Wow that’s terrible. It’ll hurt now but it sounds like you’re better off without him in your life. Best to you and your real family.

By icalledhisname | 11

#7905696 - Tuesday 12 May 2020 22:19

Fathers like this make my blood boil. My father was like this, my husband’s father was like this, and my best friend’s father is like this. I’m so sorry you have to deal with it, it’s not right.

COMMENTS

By mmdavis | 8

#7905660 - Tuesday 12 May 2020 20:25

Wow that’s terrible. It’ll hurt now but it sounds like you’re better off without him in your life. Best to you and your real family.

By EveOnRoad | 7

#7905677 - Tuesday 12 May 2020 21:28

Well, he'd be right, if he actually counted as family. I'm sorry, OP. Apparently, he can only be trusted to disappoint.

By Ayame_46&2 | 6

#7905686 - Tuesday 12 May 2020 21:52

Sounds like Frank from Shameless

By icalledhisname | 11

#7905696 - Tuesday 12 May 2020 22:19

Fathers like this make my blood boil. My father was like this, my husband’s father was like this, and my best friend’s father is like this. I’m so sorry you have to deal with it, it’s not right.

By Renaybug25 | 3

#7905874 - Wednesday 13 May 2020 19:37

My father in law is like this. It has completely ruined my relationship with him because I don’t even live with him and he thinks he’s entitled to me just giving him money for petty reasons. I’m sorry OP that your bio father has this mentality. Stay with your true family and don’t let him and his greed bother you

By Renaybug25 | 3

#7905875 - Wednesday 13 May 2020 19:38

My father in law is like this. It has completely ruined my relationship with him because I don’t even live with him and he thinks he’s entitled to me just giving him money for petty reasons. I’m sorry OP that your bio father has this mentality. Stay with your true family and don’t let him and his greed bother you

By Baby_123 | 8

#7905903 - Wednesday 13 May 2020 22:06

I’m so sorry that must have been terrible he sounds like a real dirtbag

By demix_fml | 32

#7906513 - Friday 15 May 2020 21:06

Sending you hugs.