By Anonymous - 12/5/2020 20:00

Vultures

Today, after spending a few weeks getting to know my birth father and thinking he seemed decent, he's realised my adoptive parents aren’t rich and no, I can’t lend him a few grand. Now, he’s vanished and written several nasty Facebook posts about not being able to trust family. FML

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There's no helping some people

Catch 22

Kids and their wacky crazes

By drooooooool - United States

Today, I was taking medicine for my sinus problems and trying to write an essay. I got most of the way done, then unexpectedly fell asleep on my keyboard. When I woke up, my face was wet. I drowned my laptop in my drool. FML

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By Abandoned - United States

Today, our family went out to a restaurant at night. My cousin and I needed to go to the restroom, so we told everyone before going. Less than three minutes later, we came out to find them gone, along with the cars. They forgot about their own kids. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after months of searching and several emotional breakdowns, I finally found a new job. My wife's words of encouragement? "Try not to fuck this one up." FML

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By angela - 9/4/2020 23:00

Busted!

Today, I went to a party. Although I wasn't drinking, I was still afraid the cops would bust me. Halfway through the party, the cops showed up. I tried to hop a fence, ripping my pants and cutting my leg in the meantime. It wasn't until was on the ground that I found out there was a gate. FML

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By eggs - Canada

Today, while at work at my grocery store I sold a TON of eggs to a bunch of kids. We joked around that they were "going to bake a giant cake." When I got home I found out someone had egged my house. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Avon

Today, I tried to jokingly hold the door shut so my friend, who I'd seen walking down the hall to our class, couldn't get in. It was funny, until my new teacher yelled "Open the damn door!" from the other side. FML

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By karlajjjjj - United Kingdom - Cold Ashby

Today, I was cycling home when I saw my sister, who lives a 4 hour drive away, walking past me on the path. I turned my head and called to her, causing me not to notice the pothole in front of me. My front wheel went in and I went over the handlebars. It wasn't even my sister. FML

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By Oh Cock - United Kingdom - Watford

Today, I realised just how much my favourite pornstar looks like my sister. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. After about 10 minutes, while we changed positions, he shouts, "Power Rangers - It's Morphin' Time!" FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I got nearly kicked out of the room I rent because I refuse to close my curtains at night. Apparently, my landlady thinks it doesn't look nice when people pass by and look. My room is on the third floor and I just want to see the stars. FML

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By beforegirl - Australia

Today, I discovered I am the "before picture" in an internet weight loss advert. FML

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By frgn8r - Australia

Today, my friends and I finished a 2 day, 40km bush walk. We parked a car at the finish of the track and drove another car to the start, so we could drive back and pick it up when we finished. At the end of the trek, I realised I had left the keys for the second car in the first car. FML

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By WorkSexMonkey - United States

Today, I found out that shutting off the heat in the rental property my parents owned was a bad idea. The water froze and the pipes burst, causing the whole kitchen ceiling to fall down. The water ruined the wood floors and the appliances. I turned off the heat to save money. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Westminster

Today, working as a cashier, I had a customer come through and ask to purchase a bag of ice. I asked, "Eight pound or twenty pound?", referring to the clearly marked weight of the bags. He replied, "What's the difference?" FML

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By badsinger - New Zealand

Today, my fiancée told me she was having a bad day while we were lying in bed. Just as she was about to fall asleep I thought it would be sweet if I sang her a song that her Mom sang to her when she was a child. Instead, I was told to shut the fuck up and that I sucked. FML

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By fml - United States - Denver

Today, three days after finally having a bed to sleep on, I woke up with multiple bedbug bites. I can't use my blankets, wear any of my clothes and it's back to sleeping on the floor for me. FML

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By Anna - 20/12/2020 05:02

Bad timing

Today, it's the first day of a long-needed vacation after weeks of stress and overtime. I'm having such intense period cramps, I'm bathed in sweat. FML

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By yomamma787 - United States

Today, I was outside, peeing on a cactus. Then all of a sudden my dog jumped on my back, knocking me into the cactus. FML

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By frenchfrypotater - United States

Today, it was our wedding anniversary. My husband takes me and our young son to a family-style chain restaurant. Hoping for a little romance, I ask him what he's excited about in our future, and he says how we shouldn't eat out like this anymore so we can afford to pay our income taxes. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I fell asleep while using my laptop. The next thing I know, it's 8am and my dad is screaming at me for posting "u skank-ass cunt-face" on my mom's Facebook timeline. I never made that post, but he won't believe me. My asshole brother, meanwhile, can't stop smirking at me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Flower Mound

Today, I got a gift-wrapped package in the mail from my racist mother-in-law. She's always hated me, so I thought it was a bit strange. Inside was a squirt gun and a note telling me to take my "black ass" for a walk around a police station with it, followed with a smiley face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I was refused employment at a liquor store. Their reason? I'm a regular customer and they're afraid I'll drink all their profits. FML

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By UnemployedGrad - United States

Today, I was offered a position as a school crossing guard. I have a $200,000 degree in Economics from a top 20 University and was offered a position to hold a stop sign and wear a reflective vest. I was tempted to accept. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out the guy I've been crushing on for many years thinks he's a werewolf. FML

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By boredwithnothingtodo - Australia - Melbourne

Simple Pleasures

Today, I got a new washer and dryer set. It's sad when all you have to do at night is make popcorn and watch the clothes washing. I even invited friends over. FML

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By tracy4191 - United States - Ponchatoula

Today, I found out my mom sleeps in my room when I'm at college during the week. I discovered this my bumping into her dildo with my foot. FML

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By tryandtryagain - United Kingdom

Today, while waiting on tables at work, I was carrying a glass of red wine when I lost balance and spilt it everywhere. After cleaning the floor and myself up and after refilling a new glass, I did exactly the same thing again. FML

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By Monkey - United States

Today, I woke up to my English bulldog standing over me, getting ready to pee. I didn't move in time. FML

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By Username - United Kingdom

Today, I was unbelievably horny so I sent a kinky text message to a boy I really like, only to receive the reply, "Not tonight, I'm raging Minecraft, having a wank, and going to sleep. Try again tomorrow." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my son hit my husband's shop-vac while pulling into the garage too fast. He was grounded for 3 days. Later, while trying to demonstrate how to park safely, I hit my husband in his happy sacks with the mirror. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, it's my 17th birthday, and the first birthday since my mother died, leaving me to live with my previously-absent father. He gave me pretzels and a laser pointer, and said, "Happy birthday, fuckstick". One more year. FML

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By soembarrassed - Australia

Today, I was drinking at the local pub and started talking to a really cute guy. I bent down to pick up my bag and the second I did, I felt like I was going to throw up. I clamped my mouth shut in the vain hope that I could block it but as I stood back up, vomit sprayed out through my nose. FML

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By babysitter - United States

Today, I went to babysit. I was told the parents would be gone when I arrived. I went and started playing with the kids. All of a sudden I heard a scream. I opened the parents' door with a knife in hand to find them having sex. I got paid so adults could get laid. While I was there. 6 ft. away. FML

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By SwimSquid - United States

Today, my mom and I went to Winn-Dixie. I told her I was going to a different isle 5 minutes later I hear my name on the intercom to go to the front of the store. As I go I see my mom crying, she comes and hugs me and tells me she thought I was lost. Im 22, I had my cell phone, and I drove there. FML

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By myparentsarehoes - Canada

Today, I was at a bar with my friends for my 19th birthday when I saw my dad grinding some chick that was not my mom. I confronted him and told him I was telling mom. He then pointed across the bar to my mom with another man. I just found out my parents are swingers. FML

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By Anonymous - Singapore

Today, I took a nap because I've been sick for the past week and I was exhausted. When I woke up, my hair, shirt, pillow, and bedsheets were soaked. I threw up all over myself in my sleep. FML

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By msjustine - United States

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend, the one who does all the cooking in the house, doesn't wash his hands after using the bathroom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized the closest thing I have to guys hitting on me are the ones who ask to be my friend on Call of Duty because I have the word "girl" in my name. FML

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By pvcnutcrackingdomqueen4u - United States - Monmouth Junction

Today, I went on a blind date. People always joke about how horrible Axe is, but this guy sprayed it on so thick that I genuinely had to fight to not retch the entire time. It was so bad that at one point I thought I was going to pass out. FML

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By nocat6 - United States - Northville

Today, I caught a customer using his fat to shoplift gum out of a store. FML

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Top comments

By mmdavis | 8

#7905660 - Tuesday 12 May 2020 20:25

Wow that’s terrible. It’ll hurt now but it sounds like you’re better off without him in your life. Best to you and your real family.

By icalledhisname | 11

#7905696 - Tuesday 12 May 2020 22:19

Fathers like this make my blood boil. My father was like this, my husband’s father was like this, and my best friend’s father is like this. I’m so sorry you have to deal with it, it’s not right.

COMMENTS

By mmdavis | 8

#7905660 - Tuesday 12 May 2020 20:25

Wow that’s terrible. It’ll hurt now but it sounds like you’re better off without him in your life. Best to you and your real family.

By EveOnRoad | 7

#7905677 - Tuesday 12 May 2020 21:28

Well, he'd be right, if he actually counted as family. I'm sorry, OP. Apparently, he can only be trusted to disappoint.

By Ayame_46&2 | 6

#7905686 - Tuesday 12 May 2020 21:52

Sounds like Frank from Shameless

By icalledhisname | 11

#7905696 - Tuesday 12 May 2020 22:19

Fathers like this make my blood boil. My father was like this, my husband’s father was like this, and my best friend’s father is like this. I’m so sorry you have to deal with it, it’s not right.

By Renaybug25 | 3

#7905874 - Wednesday 13 May 2020 19:37

My father in law is like this. It has completely ruined my relationship with him because I don’t even live with him and he thinks he’s entitled to me just giving him money for petty reasons. I’m sorry OP that your bio father has this mentality. Stay with your true family and don’t let him and his greed bother you

By Renaybug25 | 3

#7905875 - Wednesday 13 May 2020 19:38

My father in law is like this. It has completely ruined my relationship with him because I don’t even live with him and he thinks he’s entitled to me just giving him money for petty reasons. I’m sorry OP that your bio father has this mentality. Stay with your true family and don’t let him and his greed bother you

By Baby_123 | 8

#7905903 - Wednesday 13 May 2020 22:06

I’m so sorry that must have been terrible he sounds like a real dirtbag

By demix_fml | 32

#7906513 - Friday 15 May 2020 21:06

Sending you hugs.