Congrats!

Today, I got married. My mother told me to stop being difficult, because she was the mother of the bride, and it was her day to shine. FML

Thanks but no thanks.

Today, as my husband and I were leaving our wedding reception, my mother-in-law hugged me and whispered in my ear, "You're gonna do great tonight!" FML

Good for you

Today, I got my first big promotion at work. Excited, I shared the news with my parents. My mom responded with, "That’s nice, dear, but your sister just got engaged," and hung up to go back to celebrating with her. FML

Today, my brother had his fiancée over to meet the whole family. We were having a great time with her, and my mother gushed to her that she was like the daughter she never had. I'm her daughter. FML

Today, my mother excitedly jumped up and down, announcing that one of her sweet younger coworkers got engaged. I wished she'd had the same reaction to my engagement when I announced it to her a few days earlier. FML

Today, I was the best man at a wedding and I was flirting with a cute bridesmaid. Then this old guy decides to give the newlyweds a toast. He made a crappy joke and barely anybody laughed. So I say to the girl, "Wow that sucked, who the hell does he think he is?" The girl replies, "That's my dad". FML

Not a wife guy

Today, I went to a restaurant with my mother, where the waiter complimented my "wife". I'm not 18, and she's over 40. FML

Today, I got married. When my father gave me away, in front of hundreds of people, to my groom, he said, "She's your problem now." FML

Today, at our wedding reception my new father-in-law gave his speech, saying his little girl was too good for me. Everyone, including my parents, agreed. FML

Today, I congratulated a bride standing in front of a church in a white dress. Turns out she'd been stood up at the altar. She thrashed me with her bouquet. FML