Successful breakups and Love: Today, my shitburglar of an ex asked me to take him back. He... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Cloquet

Today, my shitburglar of an ex asked me to take him back. He said dumping me was a huge mistake. He dumped me because I was bed-ridden for several weeks and was in no condition to have sex. If his social media is anything to go by, he only wants me back because he couldn't get laid elsewhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23183

You deserved it

1547

Tweet

Share

Successful breakups

Crowded House

The sweet smell of unsuccess

Social distancing

By Sara - Vietnam - Hanoi

Today, I paid $50 to go to a war museum. It was so boring that I fell asleep standing up, lost my balance and faceplanted the floor right in front of our tour guide. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19151

You deserved it

5717

Tweet

Share

By Mary - United States

Today, I called a pest control company to ask them to come over to my place to help get rid of rats. The person on the phone told me to "be a man and stop acting like a girl". I'm a woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41270

You deserved it

3423

Tweet

Share

By Kev

Today, after a number of other automotive misadventures, I tried to find out why my radiator fan decided to quit working. That's when my hood struts thought it would be a good time to give way. Now I have big bruise on my shoulder where the latch hit me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1509

You deserved it

116

Tweet

Share

By NoBabies - United States - Tucson

Today, the last of my close friends announced she is pregnant. Meanwhile, I'm single and my nest is empty. Well, not exactly, because even my freaking cat is pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37437

You deserved it

4949

Tweet

Share

By Jakub89 - Canada

Today, I signed up for an online dating site. In order to prove I was human and complete my registration, I had to pass a CAPTCHA. Coincidentally enough, the words in it were "depressed" and "loser". FML

I agree, your life sucks

34971

You deserved it

7559

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - France - Sardieu

Today, my girlfriend informed me that our relationship is an open one. This was only after I was told that when she was "stuck in traffic" two days ago, she was actually playing the triple-X version of Twister in my "best friend's" bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44971

You deserved it

3363

Tweet

Share

By skipperpop - United States - Ames

Today, after work, I was saying goodbye to my last remaining friend I worked with because she was going to be leaving for college. My manager saw me talking and made me clock back in and work because "If you have time to talk, you have time to work." FML.

I agree, your life sucks

14523

You deserved it

1227

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, my 3-year-old son put into practice the lesson I taught him yesterday, about how to use a larger piece of Play-Doh to pick up smaller bits. Unfortunately, he used this method to pick up a small bit of poo from his pants with a larger bit of poo direct from the toilet. I was an hour late for work. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3863

You deserved it

442

Tweet

Share

By echolaker2019 - United States - Scarsdale

Today, I had a second date with a really hot guy I met at the mall. Lucky for me, I went into anaphylactic shock from shrimp and the guy called my parents. When I left the hospital, I was notified that after he called my parents, he ordered more food and charged it to my credit card on file. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22734

You deserved it

1614

Tweet

Share

By Nigel - United States

Today, most of my family was out of the house, so I took the opportunity to go to the bathroom and browse some porn. Five minutes later my sister comes and asks me to disconnect from bluetooth and that my "dinosaur noises" were blocking her and her friend's music. I'm currently hiding in shame. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27356

You deserved it

13248

Tweet

Share

By Cleanfreak? - Denmark - ?lborg

Funky

Today, I got into an argument, followed by the silent treatment from my boyfriend, because I told him that he should change his underwear daily. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4833

You deserved it

576

Tweet

Share

By ugh - United States

Today, my boyfriend spent an hour lecturing me on how I need to ask for what I want. So I asked him to delete a crappy picture he'd taken of me the night before. His response: "No, you don't always get what you want." FML

I agree, your life sucks

30299

You deserved it

9462

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Houghton Le Spring

Today, I was at the airport waiting for my flight to leave for Hawaii when I received an urgent call from my neighbour saying that my house had been broken into. After rushing home and missing my flight, I had to explain to the police that my house wasn't burgled, it was just very messy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23582

You deserved it

5884

Tweet

Share

By Nora - United States - Fargo

Today, I went to the doctor for the second time, because I've had a cough for about six weeks. In my first appointment, the nurse said it was just allergies and condescendingly gave me a brochure with a recipe for salt water. Turns out it's pneumonia. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26938

You deserved it

1632

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Fort Collins

Estoy Poopin

Today, I cracked my back while pooping at work. It was so bad I had to go to the hospital and get carried out of the toilet by paramedics. A $4,000 bill later, my coworkers will not shut up about how funny it is. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4025

You deserved it

503

Tweet

Share

By patrick - United States

Today, it's Saint Patrick's Day and the nicest day of the year so far. I'm spending it in the bathroom, puking up the sushi I'd eaten last night. The luck of the Irish can't help me on this one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25935

You deserved it

5220

Tweet

Share

By Jim - Belgium

Today, I told a co-worker to "lighten up, and stop wearing black all the time, it makes you look depressed." I didn't know his father had died the week before. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11295

You deserved it

41594

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada - Port Hardy

Today, my boyfriend's transition into an annoying hipster is complete. It started with the not-really-necessary nerd glasses and the Mötley Crüe t-shirt, the final straw being the affected British accent. I'm considering where to dump the body. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29379

You deserved it

3218

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was riding on the back of my dad's motorcycle. After a few minutes, the vibrations from the engine became way too much for me and I couldn't control myself. I had such an intense orgasm, sitting right behind my father, with my arms around his waist. FML

I agree, your life sucks

92291

You deserved it

16131

Tweet

Share

By skyphoenix - United States

Today, I went on a trip with some people from work to watch a baseball game. Halfway through the game, one of my managers shook my hand and said "Nice to Meet You." I've been working there for 3 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29147

You deserved it

4510

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - United States - Staten Island

Today, after getting a new haircut, I decided to take a few photos. I set up my iPhone in my room and began posing. It wasn't until numerous shots later that I realized my phone had posted every picture to Facebook, and they were all over everyone's newsfeed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18468

You deserved it

45607

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Clifton Park

Today, I was forced into accepting a "promotion" for a position that pays less than what I get right now. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31132

You deserved it

3074

Tweet

Share

By dumpedtaco

Today, as I was planning my impending nuptials with my fiancé, my sister jokingly told him it's not too late to call it off. He took her seriously and bailed. He won’t answer my calls. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4766

You deserved it

355

Tweet

Share

By happyshit - United States

Today, I was driving when I saw someone pulled over on the side of the road. Wanting to help, I pulled over. In so doing, I ran over a nail, which popped my tire. The guy had just pulled over to pee. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29010

You deserved it

6368

Tweet

Share

By nuns aren’t sexy

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend with some kinky role play. I chose a sexy naughty nun's outfit, complete with head cover, thigh-high stockings and crotchless panties. I guess my outfit was a little too convincing, because he couldn’t get it up. Thanks Catholic guilt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1934

You deserved it

800

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Guildford

Today, while on the train heading to my new job, my coat caught between two seats. I didn't notice until my stop. I whacked myself in the face in front of everyone trying to get it free, and ended up missing my stop. When I finally got to work, I was told not to bother coming in again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34272

You deserved it

2774

Tweet

Share

By ch,nlv

Today, my husband and I did artificial insemination. At the hospital, they mixed up the sperm and didn't realize until it was too late. I'm now pregnant with a stranger's baby. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6239

You deserved it

381

Tweet

Share

By fuckmeitsgettingworse - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, my pregnant wife's parents called me at work, saying she'd been crying inconsolably and wouldn't say what was wrong. After pleading with my boss, I rushed home. Turns out there was an "ugly" sofa in a TV ad and she felt it was "picking on ugly sofas". FML

I agree, your life sucks

49355

You deserved it

4621

Tweet

Share

By reisz618

Today, I was at a barbecue and, unbeknownst to me, took a bite of really hot bacon. In my ensuing panic, I grabbed and took a swig of my friend's beer. It wasn't beer, at least not any more. She was using it as an ashtray, and I got a mouthful of cigarette butts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1555

You deserved it

543

Tweet

Share

By workwork

Today, I got a threatening email from my manager, saying my job is in jeopardy if I call off again. Somehow, my leaving early to drive my mom to the ER is inexcusable, yet it's perfectly fine for the same manager to leave early to take her dogs to the groomers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1835

You deserved it

141

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Cheltenham

Today, I discovered that if I turn my shower off for a minute, then back on again, the water comes out scalding hot. I discovered that while the showerhead was pointed directly at my genitals. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33126

You deserved it

9517

Tweet

Share

By ZZ - Canada

Today, I was riding my bike on the side of the road because there was no sidewalk. Then a car with a loud horn honked at me. Pissed off, I turned around and screamed "shut the fuck up!" It was my girlfriend's parents saying hi. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15520

You deserved it

66586

Tweet

Share

By cagel - United States

Today, I got an e-mail from my University saying I may have violated the Student Code of Conduct for being drunk in public at a football game, and now I have to go in to defend myself against charges. My lungs filled with fluid at the game, causing me to throw up. I had to be taken away in an ambulance. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34654

You deserved it

2759

Tweet

Share

By imaqtb - Canada

Today, I was working at a restaurant. This guy comes up to the counter and asks if he could have some toothpicks. I told him they were right in front of him. He said "Sorry, I'm blind." Thinking it was a joke, I laughed until he said "No, seriously." FML

I agree, your life sucks

11587

You deserved it

37448

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Sacramento

Today, I went to go see my granddad in the hospital and asked if he needed anything. He replied, "I need you to get out and send that hot nurse in, I may be old but I still got it." FML

I agree, your life sucks

50591

You deserved it

6577

Tweet

Share

By funy_hunie - United States - Anchorage

Today, while lying in bed, I was so lonely that I put a heavy blanket in front of me so it felt like I was spooning someone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1547

You deserved it

218

Tweet

Share

By Lmop68 - Canada

Today, I saw my crush waving me over from the other end of the parking lot. I ran quickly to greet him, but in my excitement didn't take note of the giant Hummer backing out. I broke two ribs and all my crush was trying to do was warn me of the moving vehicle I was about to run into. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41950

You deserved it

17292

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Great Falls

Today, I lent a pair of expensive headphones to a "friend" for the weekend. As a thank-you, he bought me a soda. He moved this weekend, taking the headphones with him. I lost a $250 pair of headphones for a $1 soda. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45103

You deserved it

21342

Tweet

Share

By Clauric

Today, I found out my 35 year-old brother got divorced 18 months ago when my now ex-sister-in-law told me via Facebook messenger, and asked me to tell my parents, as both of them were too scared to do it themselves. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12146

You deserved it

858

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Milwaukee

Today, it's my fifth wedding anniversary. My wife bailed on the romantic dinner that I arranged in favor of running off with her friends. Their big event: an amateur Fight Club event they'd decided to stage in an abandoned parking lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46318

You deserved it

4302

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By bunnyfish | 27

#6517770 - Saturday 23 January 2016 8:27

I pictured the hamburglers evil twin shitburgler when I read that.

By bigbrown24 | 17

#6517772 - Saturday 23 January 2016 8:27

what a douche bag. you don't need him

COMMENTS

By bunnyfish | 27

#6517770 - Saturday 23 January 2016 8:27

I pictured the hamburglers evil twin shitburgler when I read that.

Reply

rtigers15 | 8

#6517841 - Saturday 23 January 2016 11:01

sameeeeee

By bigbrown24 | 17

#6517772 - Saturday 23 January 2016 8:27

what a douche bag. you don't need him

Reply

Mylehz | 13

#6518134 - Saturday 23 January 2016 20:41

I completely agree #2, OP deserves so much better than this guy and his douchebaggery. Hell, everyone deserves so much better than that!

By sabby7 | 17

#6517774 - Saturday 23 January 2016 8:27

kick him to the curb. what a pig.

Reply

MDoremis | 38

#6517778 - Saturday 23 January 2016 8:31

He's already on the curb by his own devices.

Reply

weatherxveins | 29

#6518032 - Saturday 23 January 2016 18:32

Sounds like he's trying to crawl off it though, OP needs to make sure he stays there.

By chevygirl23 | 17

#6517777 - Saturday 23 January 2016 8:30

Don't take that douche dick back, you deserve better than that.

By aruden | 25

#6517786 - Saturday 23 January 2016 8:38

Sounds like you are way better off OP no need to have junk like that in your life.

By Boometh | 15

#6517789 - Saturday 23 January 2016 8:41

Seriously, how tf are there people who say you deserved it? You deserve to be treated better. e_e

Reply

Oyas12 | 14

#6517915 - Saturday 23 January 2016 14:57

its probably an accident or people just running by clicking "YDI"

By aeryn97 | 17

#6517801 - Saturday 23 January 2016 8:57

really this isn't a fml. you're better off without him. so you're in a better place now. chin up. you deserve better.

By hehe1996 | 15

#6517809 - Saturday 23 January 2016 9:09

It sounds like you're much better off without him OP.

By sumi90 | 12

#6517810 - Saturday 23 January 2016 9:09

He needs you for sex OP, not a relationship. He's a jerk for even thinking about it.

By Vitani_Verci | 24

#6517823 - Saturday 23 January 2016 9:40

Leave him in the gutter where he belongs OP! The fact that he's ruthless enough to try to get back with someone whom he left because they physically could not have sex shows how unbelievably stupid he is.

Hopefully he'll cross paths with karma.
You're way better off without him!