By Unreasonable - United Kingdom - Bath

Bridezilla vs. the Coronavirus

Today, I received a threatening DM from my so-called best friend, telling me that she wouldn't be calling off her wedding next week, despite everyone telling her to postpone due for health and safety reasons, and would claw my eyes out if I stayed in quarantine with my sick mum instead of coming. FML

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Unionize

Seize the means of production

Death at one's elbow

By Brunette, small breasts - Romania - Campina

Today, I decided to finally talk to my crush. I said "hello" to which he replied "first, dye your hair blonde and grow some boobs, then we can talk business." FML

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By PerpetuallyHappy - United States - Rochester

Today, I got sent to the principal's office because my Dad decided that instead of signing his name, he would sign, "Ms. Bigtits", because he wanted to make sure the teachers were paying attention to what their students handed in. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was my first day at work as a cashier. I was so nervous that my whole body got numb and my eye sight completely blurred. I ran to the bathroom blind while bumping into everything in the store, making sure that everyone knew I had a problem. FML

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By Al - Australia - Turramurra

Today, I walked into pawn shop and found a nice laptop which I inspected after I thought I lost mine months ago. Turns out my ex pawned it after having it at her place all this time. FML

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By no name

Today, I got up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water. I felt something get caught in my throat so I coughed and spluttered a bit. When I turned on the lights I discovered I'd coughed up a cockroach. FML

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By toothpastecat - Canada

Today, I was brushing my teeth. As a bent down to spit my mouthful of toothpaste into the sink, my cat decided it would be a good time to stick his head right where I was spitting. I spit a huge glob of toothpaste on his head. He then shook it off all over me and the walls. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after an argument with a coworker, I sent him "Sorry about being such a jerk" in a reply to a mass email he had sent. I accidentally hit 'Reply All'. I now have 32 "It's okay" messages in my inbox. FML

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By ABBenzin - United States

Today, I was breaking into a house when three police cruisers pulled up. They ran my social, my license plates, and asked me twenty minutes worth of questions, before allowing me to go back to work. I work as a locksmith; the homeowner had lost their keys. FML

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By fulloshit - United States

Today, I woke up with extreme stomach pains. After being rushed to the hospital and having numerous tests performed, I was told my intestines were over-stretched with stool. I'm essentially so full of shit it hurts. FML

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By that guy - United States - Atascadero

Today, my girlfriend told her parents that she's pregnant. We have never even come close to having sex, but she told them I'm the father. Not only is my girlfriend cheating on me, but her father now wants me dead. FML

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By maxus - United States

Today, I was babysitting my nephew. He was watching the episode where Spongebob smashes his guitar while playing. I walk into the kitchen to make him a snack, and I hear a loud crash... My nephew smashing my brand new guitar to be like Spongebob. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got to a patient having a seizure and was approached by a bystander who said to me, "I have pharmaceutical grade essential oils, and they recommend Frankincense for seizures." Thank you? FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2020 01:57

I mean…

Today, I finally noticed that my new coworker, with whom I have to share an office, starts every sentence with, "I mean…", then a pause, then says whatever he has to say. I can't un-notice it now, and it's like hearing nails on a chalkboard. FML

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By Loveless - Canada

Today, I bought a dog to make me feel less lonely. He ran away. FML

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By

Today, I quit smoking cigarettes. While driving to work, the car in front of me flicked his out the window, flying straight into mine. It set the bottom of my seat on fire. FML

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By getajob - United States - Carmel

Today, while working security at a welfare office, I had to listen as a claimant gushed about her upcoming Caribbean cruise. I work two jobs and haven't had a vacation since 2006. FML

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By Arran - United Kingdom

Today, I was reading a blog post by a girl that I really like. In the post, it said, "I know I'm not beautiful." I told her that I thought it wasn't true at all. She responded by crying hysterically and asking me why I would say that. It turned out that it actually said, "I know I'm beautiful." FML

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By EmbarrassedBather

Today, while I was showering, someone left a note on the bathroom door that read, "We can all hear you masturbating. Shut the hell up." I don't know what's more embarrassing, that everyone in my house thought I was masturbating or that I was actually singing. FML

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By Jim

Today, I was walking to the bus for my first day at my new school. I tripped in the darkness and split my chin open and broke my arm. FML

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By sadf4x0r - United Kingdom

Today, I realised my girlfriend is the perfect woman for most men. She only ever talks to me in the intermissions on Modern Warfare 2; shame it's not me playing. FML

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By Ditzyfitzy

Today, after spending 2 years saving for my flights, I was denied boarding due to issues with my passport. I heading straight to the embassy only to be told a replacement will take 8 days. The airline will only hold my place for 7. FML

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By guest - United States - Agoura Hills

Today, I became the town racist for saying "black" instead of "African-American". I'm black. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was fired. Not only was I fired with no warning, not only was my friend the one who fired me, but I was fired from the unpaid volunteering position I took to help her out. FML

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By NotAmericanIdol - United States

Today, I was home by myself. I was singing "If I Had A Million Dollars" really loudly since I figured no one could hear me. As I'm really into the song, my neighbor shouts, "If I had a million dollars, I'd give it to you to stop singing" and slams his balcony door shut. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while fingering my girlfriend in the dark, I tried to be sexy and licked my fingers. After we turned the lights back on, we realized that her period had come early. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at the rehearsal for my wedding, my mother told my bride's mother to fuck off. FML

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By Flavorite - United States

Today, my boss asked me to pick up an extra shift. I said I couldn't because I have a date. He told me I didn't need to lie and to just say no next time. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I argued with my girlfriend over her constantly wasting our money on acupuncture. She said if I could prove it was baloney, she would stop. After I showed her copious amounts of scientific proof debunking it as pseudo-science, she told me we're "taking a break" from our relationship. FML

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By missingcharlie - United States

Today, in the middle of having sex with my boyfriend, instead of saying something sexy, he decided to tell me that the bowling alley had a new air hockey table. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met with a friend who had gained some weight since I saw him last. After a friendly hug, I put my hand on his new man boob and, without thinking, left it there way too long. I realized that I was groping him and, in a panic, did the only thing I could think of. I patted it. Twice. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2021 20:00

Great start to the day

Today, I went into my parents' room after spending pretty much all weekend in my their bed while they were out of town. I happened to look out the window, and on the windowsill was a puddle of cat vomit with a condom in it. FML

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By Pancakegirl - United States

Today, I was hanging out with a friend at IHOP. When I left, a middle aged man in the parking lot offered me $100 to sleep with him in the dumpsters behind the building. That is the first time I've been hit on in months. FML

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By devdevdev - Brazil - Santa Maria

Today, I went on a date with this girl. Turns out she's a software developer, too. Our date became a technical discussion. FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, I gave a beautiful book of baby names to a friend of mine who's been trying to get pregnant for a while. She just burst into tears when she saw it. Just before meeting me, she'd found out she was sterile. FML

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By fresh single - United States - Pomona

Today, my girlfriend decided it was logical to accuse me of cheating because of the hundreds of emails I had from women wanting to meet up with me for sex. She had been looking in the "Spam" folder. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, I found out who's been stealing clothes from me during swim practice. She called me a liar, despite wearing one of my sweaters, which has my initials stitched into it. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/2/2021 12:01 - United States - Longmont

Don't Give Up

Today, I looked at cute baby clothes while my friend was in the check-out line at JC Penny. It made me want to cry. I'm almost 33, childless, and so unattractive I couldn't pay someone to be into me. FML

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By nicoreal89 - United States

Today, at the Black Friday Sale, a fully grown man hit my 5 year old daughter for an Xbox. In anger, I punched the guy and gave him a bloody nose. I'm now banned from Best Buy, and my daughter has a concussion. FML

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By lopsided - United States - Gainesville

Today, I was informed that my uneven facial features make me seem "untrustworthy." Glad to know my unchangeable physical appearance doubles as a character flaw. FML

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By deflower - United States - Huntington Beach

Today, my mother burst into tears and hysterics when she found out my fiancée and I were not "pure" for our upcoming wedding. I'm 28, she's 27, and we've lived together for four years. FML

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Top comments

By Shzusuziq | 16

#7891690 - Monday 23 March 2020 14:29

I still wouldn’t go, if she can’t understand why, you don’t need her as a friend anyway!

By Cooper201288 | 16

#7891686 - Monday 23 March 2020 14:12

your friend is an asshole

COMMENTS

By Cooper201288 | 16

#7891686 - Monday 23 March 2020 14:12

your friend is an asshole

By Shzusuziq | 16

#7891690 - Monday 23 March 2020 14:29

I still wouldn’t go, if she can’t understand why, you don’t need her as a friend anyway!

By Kurliez408 | 32

#7891694 - Monday 23 March 2020 14:36

call the cops on her wedding

By Seeya55 | 31

#7891706 - Monday 23 March 2020 16:02

She may not have a choice if she's renting a location/items for the wedding itself.

If shes hosting at her house, Show up in a beautiful yellow hazmat suit!

Reply

RichardPencil | 30

#7891719 - Monday 23 March 2020 16:32

Nah, you're crazy!

Obviously, a white Tyvek biohazard suit is what she should wear! Yellow?!?! Are you from the 60s? Ha!

Reply

Seeya55 | 31

#7891744 - Monday 23 March 2020 20:01

I was respecting the bride being the only one who wears white!

Reply

DoctorPALO | 12

#7891999 - Tuesday 24 March 2020 18:26

Bullshit. If an event center or caterer won't work with her in the midst of the Coronavirus event, they don't deserve her business. If she's crazy enough to try and FORCE people out, screw her. The health of her family is more important than any outside events.

Reply

JuliaKay14 | 32

#7892065 - Tuesday 24 March 2020 21:50

No gatherings over a certain number people are supposed to happen, so a catering company is not at all obligated to serve her wedding

By RichardPencil | 30

#7891714 - Monday 23 March 2020 16:15

Looks like you have to go, and you'd better bring a good gift, too.

This is the downside of having friends.

By ThatOneLonelyAsian | 31

#7891739 - Monday 23 March 2020 19:18

Seems like she could have coronavirus and wants to pass it on before it kills her

By lifeis4me | 20

#7891776 - Monday 23 March 2020 21:31

Tell her to have fun alone at her wedding

By Fiona Ashe_1844920076 | 3

#7891778 - Monday 23 March 2020 21:51

inform the authorities for safety reasons.

By TomeDr | 21

#7891805 - Tuesday 24 March 2020 0:41

I would call her a “friend“, especially since your mother is sick.

By Suzi_d16 | 26

#7891811 - Tuesday 24 March 2020 1:29

Joke’s on her. Lockdown from tonight and all weddings cancelled. I bet she wishes she had wedding insurance now.