By Anonymous - 7/9/2019 12:02 - Korea Republic of

Bad sandwich, bad week

Today, I went to the doctor's. I had food poisoning last week, which led to diarrhea. The diarrhea was so bad it caused a hemorrhoid. The hemorrhoid somehow became infected. One bad sandwich, and now I have an infected asshole. FML

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Cold-blooded old times

Dad jokes, part 43884

Nice neighborhood

By howsthisforaname - 24/5/2012 12:59 - United Kingdom - Kingston Upon Hull

Today, after my old downstairs neighbor, who would come upstairs to bang on my door and yell at me every time she heard a sound from me at all times of the day, had finally moved out, it became clear that my new downstairs neighbor gets drunk and yells at the TV in the early hours of the morning. FML

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By - 29/12/2020 03:00

Error!

Today, I called my cell phone tech support to help with my Samsung device. They sent me contact info for Apple support. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2010 06:27 - United States

Today, I caught my boyfriend cheating right after I maxed out my credit card buying him everything on his Christmas list. FML

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By Too manly - 20/3/2013 04:54 - United States - Stockton

Today, as I was walking with my boyfriend, holding hands, a woman began screaming at us about how we "f*ggots" are "ruining America." I'm a girl. FML

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By "levsterx" - 5/4/2017 02:00

Today, my mom dragged me along with her to a baby shower. I was the only guy there. FML

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By kewtness_17 - 1/10/2011 23:10 - United States

Today, I got mad at my 4 year old son for cussing me out. Afterwards, I went upstairs to get ready for the day. When I came back downstairs I found him pooping on my brand new leather couch. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2012 05:52 - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, I was leaning over a fence in a pasture to get a closer look at something. Nobody warned my nuts that it was an electric fence. FML

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By SupposedlyAverage - 27/12/2014 14:55 - United States

Today, my fiancé proposed to me. He said, "I could have picked anyone, but I chose you. You're a solid 2, which is average. Not a 10, but I'm glad you're a 2. Less pressure, ya know." I'm not sure if I should be more upset with the fact that I'm "average", or the fact that he thought this was romantic. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2009 06:58 - Canada

Today, my husband rescued our daughter's cat from a tree. She spent the next hour clapping and telling me how much of a hero he was. Last night at 2am I was awoken by meowing and had to rescue the same cat from the same tree, in the dark, and halfway down he shit on me. No one called me a hero. FML

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By PWI_addict - 3/1/2010 17:11 - United States

Today, I was making myself lunch. I love cooking, and often, I pretend I'm on the Food Network. I started to slice some tomatoes rapidly, which, turns out, was a big mistake; I sliced my thumb open. FML

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By prettylady? - 28/10/2012 04:22 - United States

Today, I said "bless you" to a nice man who sneezed on the subway. That nice man has now followed me home and stood outside my apartment complex for two hours, claiming to be my "soulmate." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/4/2020 14:00

Littered

Today, I'm on crutches and wearing an orthopedic boot because a 22.5 pound box of cat litter fell out of my back hatch onto my foot. FML

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By anyoi - 25/4/2012 22:43 - United States - Rocklin

Today, I took my boyfriend to meet my parents over dinner. During the meal, he excused himself to the bathroom, and when he didn't come back after a few minutes, I went to check up on him. I ended up finding him in the living room, pocketing a pack of ambien from my mom's bag. FML

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By skyhigh - 13/1/2011 05:48 - United States

Today, I discovered my parents have spent my college fund because "2012 will happen" before I graduate. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2019 04:00

Today, I came out of my bedroom to find my mom doing yoga in my hallway. Naked. She doesn't seem to think there's any problem with this. It's my house. FML

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By AngerManagement - 29/9/2011 08:04 - United Kingdom

Today, after being in the UK for 2 months, I learned that when saying, "I'm about to blow off and kill someone", to the British "blow off" means "fart." This was pointed out to me in an open-space office after a particularly loud rant. FML

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By clash - 28/11/2008 06:30 - France

Today, I haven't had sex for so long that my condoms have gone off. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2011 23:32 - United States

Today, my brother handed me a sandwich that I'd asked him to make for me. Halfway through eating the sandwich, he started laughing hysterically. I still don't know what was in it. FML

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By idontbleedfromthere - 22/8/2012 23:10 - United States - Indio

Today, after having recently moved into shared accommodations, my prankster of a room-mate has somehow made sure I've yet again woken up with a tampon in my mouth. It's been three times in the past week. FML

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By it's just hair - 15/2/2018 19:00

Today, I was sent home from work because my new haircut "looks too much like Hitler". FML

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By friskeyk14 - 4/10/2011 07:04 - United States

Today, I showed my boyfriend a calendar, marked with the number of times we've had sex over the past month. Then followed by a calendar of the month before, which had almost triple the number of hits. I had to point out that our stats need to improve. FML

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By emasculated 10000% - 4/5/2013 17:05 - Sweden - Ljungby

Today, I was out with my grandma when a pair of very shady guys approached us in the street, hands in their pockets. Without breaking stride, she pulled a knife out of her handbag and told them they'd better keep walking. They did. What the fuck, gran? FML

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By sexyconvo - 25/11/2009 07:23 - United States

Today, I tried to convince my boyfriend to come over, telling him it would be "worth his time." He asked, "How?" I said, "Dazzling conversation of course. Just kidding, you'll probably get laid." He replied, "Oh. Well I would if it was for the conversation." FML

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By hatemyjob - 15/12/2015 00:15 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, after working at the same place for 3 years, I found out that they are not only cutting my hours but now I have to take orders from some girl I trained because she was promoted over me. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2016 08:42

Today, my daughter asked me to take her to Victoria's Secret so I could buy her some "sexy clothes". She's 9. FML

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By Bawsack - 22/11/2016 09:45 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, I missed an important meeting at work because I was vomiting from painful cramps. Just last week I was recommending that everyone get the implant because I hadn't had symptoms in two years. FML

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By ShutUp007 - 22/11/2014 02:00 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I learned that if life gives you lemons, your sister is going to squeeze them over your face while you take a nap on the couch. FML

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By YuckyDuckyLucky - 3/6/2015 17:36 - Norway - Oslo

Today, I attempted to break the record for the heaviest squat in my local gym. A small crowd witnessed me breaking the record as well as releasing a huge fart. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2009 19:04 - United States

Today, I took my daughter to the lake. She told me she had to go to the bathroom and I whispered to her "just pee in the lake, it's fine, but go in a little deeper." She went in the lake and turned to me to yell "MOM, IS THIS DEEP ENOUGH FOR ME TO PEE?" FML

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By EmmaG123 - 28/2/2009 05:54 - United States

Today, I sent my mom an email with "Bad news" for the subject. At the end of her reply, she said, "And don't scare me! I thought you were going to tell me you're pregnant!" I AM pregnant, and wanted to surprise her on her birthday. Guess I should get her something less disappointing. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/2/2017 20:00 - United States - Holyoke

Today, I was told that when I was in middle school and thought I was considered class clown for either making jokes or acting stupid, people thought I actually was stupid and/or mentally challenged. FML

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By banana_tree - 21/4/2014 21:26 - United Kingdom

Today, I joked to a client that every time I see his name, I start singing the song 'Dr Jones' by Aqua. He looked blankly at me, so I broke into song, 'Dr Jones, Dr Jones, calling Dr Jones... ' He still looked blankly, but now also utterly horrified, as were the rest of the waiting room. FML

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By Her - 6/11/2009 20:36 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of two years took me out to breakfast. So we were eating and he kept on staring at me like he was thinking of something really important. I thought he was going to say "I Love You". So I told him to "say it already". Turns out he was thinking of a way to dump me. FML

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By "1DisGR8" - 16/12/2018 09:30 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had the misfortune of getting my period during another exam. And yes, the male professor also noticed this time. FML

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By Paul Rushing - 19/3/2020 15:00

Panic buying? What panic buying?

Today, at the supermarket where I work, we had at least 40 people waiting outside for us to open our doors at 7:00 a.m. FML

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By badplacerightnow - 13/10/2014 14:15 - United States - Frisco

Today, it's the first birthday of the condom in my pocket. FML

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By Username - 13/11/2010 00:24 - United States

Today, I was leaving the car wash when I saw my friend walking on the sidewalk. I pulled over next to her and asked if she wanted a ride. Only after getting a face full of the soda she was drinking did I realize I was talking to a complete stranger. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2013 23:55 - United States

Today, while on vacation, I called my home phone to check the messages. Someone answered. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2013 14:26 - United States - Chicago

Today, I got home from work early and discovered why my 17-year-old daughter's sprained elbow isn't getting any better after weeks of treatment. She can't stop giving handjobs. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/11/2012 18:02 - Australia - Wembley

Today, my boyfriend and I got intimate with each other for the first time. He shoved his hand down my pants, touched about an inch away from my clitoris, and whispered "cummm" in my ear. I doubt I'll have an orgasm ever again. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7841067 - Saturday 7 September 2019 17:25

Sounds like a ssshh...

...wait on it...

...real pain-in-the-ass!

The classic misdirection.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7841304 - Sunday 8 September 2019 2:23

What a load of crap.

Comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7841067 - Saturday 7 September 2019 17:25

Sounds like a ssshh...

...wait on it...

...real pain-in-the-ass!

The classic misdirection.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7841304 - Sunday 8 September 2019 2:23

What a load of crap.

By Mark W. Noonan_969479943 | 4

#7841403 - Sunday 8 September 2019 11:00

Ha! 😂 Ha! 😂 Ha! 😂 Ha! 😂 Ha! 😂 Ha! 😂