Am I being detained?

Today, I realized my paranoia is really bad when I saw my coworker holding a knife and immediately began thinking of ways to keep him from stabbing me. I work in a restaurant kitchen. FML

Today, my paranoia got so bad that I had to physically restrain myself from aggressively confronting the kid walking behind me on the sidewalk. FML

Freaked out

Today, I had to admit that I desperately need anti-anxiety medication. Apparently, when you walk around a grocery store avoiding eye contact and generally acting "sketchy", management will call the police on you, who will then pat you down to be sure you aren't shoplifting. FML

Today, I was arrested for carrying a dangerous weapon. I was on my way home from the shop where I'd bought a new kitchen knife. FML

No one is safe

Today, I got mugged at work. The sad thing is I'm a cop and was trying to catch the people who mugged me previously while off duty. FML

Bunch of bankers

Today, I got stopped at the bank by security for carrying a weapon and threatened to call the police. I had to prove my “metal stick” was not a weapon. I'm partially paralyzed in one of my feet and have to walk with a cane. FML

Today, as I walked into the bank, I tripped and bumped into a security guard. He thought I was assaulting him, so he pinned me to the floor and called for backup as he held me at gunpoint. FML

Today, I was walking down the street in the dark, and the woman in front of me kept looking back nervously. I jokingly assured her that I wasn't a mugger. She then took out a knife and mugged me. FML

Today, I was at work when two sheriff's deputies walked in. They asked me my name and when I told them, they asked me to turn around and they cuffed me. They told me I was under arrest for robbery. Turns out I was mistakenly IDed, but now every one at my job thinks I'm an armed robber. FML

Today, I stopped by the gun store to pick up a new concealed weapon for protection. As I was leaving the store, a man came up behind me, hit me with a crowbar, and stole my gun. FML