By Anonymous - 6/6/2020 14:02

Always wear protective gear

Today, while nailing a board down, I hit my thumb with the hammer. As I reached to console my throbbing finger, I dropped the hammer on my foot. When I went down to hold my foot, I smacked my head on the board. Now I've got a concussion, a smashed finger, and a bruised foot. FML

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Commando

Walk on the wild side

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

By das_shizzle - 30/9/2020 23:02 - United States - Montesano

Oh shit

Today, as I was getting ready to go to class, I accidentally stepped in dog poop. I was in a hurry, so I scraped it off as best as I could. When I go to class, I noticed it smelled. The girl behind me noticed and said, "Mmmmm, smells like food in here." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I don't understand the bond between him and his stuffed goose. He's 36. FML

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By georgiana072 - Philippines

Today, as I was coming out of the ladies' room, I saw a guy glancing at me. A few minutes later, I saw him coming at me at a fast rate. I decided to run from him. As I got out of the building and into a cab, I saw him from the window waving my phone at me. He was just trying to return it. FML

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By screamer - United States - Paso Robles

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I was apparently really loud, because when we finished I heard his mom and grandma sarcastically imitating me outside. FML

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By sugar baby24

Today, my boyfriend and my sugar daddy found about each other. FML

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By Aeare_ - United States - Dixon

Today, it was my 21st birthday and I invited a handful of my best friends over. They all stood me up and I drank alone in my apartment. Happy birthday to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend informed me that in the event of a zombie apocalypse, he'd kill me before I got infected. FML

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By "Kaluhaluha"

Today, after having my car back for a few months after a $2,000 repair, I got in, only for it to not start. Don't worry. It's not the battery. It's the engine, which was fine yesterday. FML

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By KKimrae_ness - United States

Today, I found some oversized-strawberry-spree candies in my pantry. They were delicious and I munched on them through out the day. I ended up in and out, but mostly in, the bathroom in the dead hours of the night experiencing the wonders and effectiveness of Fruit Flavored Fiber pills. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to mock a few stuck-up runners by effortlessly jumping over the track hurdles. The last one was the easiest. The easiest to crush my balls on, and twist my ankle up in the process. FML

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By ocroyalty - United States

Today, I was trying to get my car out of my boyfriend's apartment garage but couldn't. Why? Because somebody decided to park in front if the garage door and have sex. Complete with steamed windows and loud noises. FML

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By gamerlaura - United Kingdom - Blaenau-ffestiniog

Today, I went to the store to get groceries. After getting all the stuff I need, and was heading towards the checkout point, I heard a baby cry and instantly felt coldness on my shirt. Yes I was lactating, and yes it was noticeable. FML

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By RC - United States

Today, my cousin and I were out on the boardwalk. I walked to the railing next to a man and said, "Great view isn't it?" Then I found out that the man was blind and had a seeing eye dog. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I had to be go to the ER after I fell on a rake. After having stiches put in, my Mom wanted me to go to the store with her. My friend saw me at the store and thought it would be funny to rip off the band aid because she thought I was hiding a zit. She ripped out my stitches. FML

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By stuckathome - United States

Today, I was awoken by a conversation my mom was having with my dog upstairs. She was telling my dog that a ghost lives in our house. She was completely serious. The ghost even has a name and a backstory. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Sydney

Today, I found my dad's porn stash on his laptop. I went through it for a laugh to see what kind of sick, twisted shit he's into. Mostly nude pictures of my mum, as it turns out. I can't wipe the afterimage from my mind. FML

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By muscalata

Today, my girlfriend sent a text asking if I think she’s pretty. I replied "Yes, of course!" She then got mad and blocked me. Turns out she'd said "petty". FML

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By Till We Pass Out - United Kingdom - Halifax

Today, I was pushing so hard to take a number two that I ended up passing out. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I walked out of my house wearing only boxers, only to be greeted by kids with paintball guns. FML

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By sadnj

Today, I was supposed to go on a date with my attractive and seemingly charming neighbor. Yesterday, his house was raided and he was arrested for running a heroin ring. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was feeling frisky for the first time in months, so I started feeling up my husband. He kept insisting he had a headache and that he wasn't feeling it tonight. When I noticed his sarcasm, he said "Yeah, doesn't feel so great, does it?" and turned the TV volume up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my future mother-in-law started shit-talking me on Facebook, and we got into a heated argument. She called me later in the day, saying I'll be lucky if I ever marry her son and that, "You'll suffer to your last breath." I'm now terrified to set foot outside. FML

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By poor guy - United States

Good deed, but still…

Today, I was at Goodwill and I saw my bike, which was stolen from me a couple of weeks ago. It was a gift that my mom gave me for my birthday. The bike was being sold for 65 dollars. I had to buy it. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, while at Six Flags my boyfriend won a huge stuffed animal for me. After a whole day of carrying it around, when he dropped me off he told me that he wants the stuffed animal back. He just didn't want to carry it around all day. FML

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By insertfoothere - United States

Today, after my son's new friend spent the night, I commented on how his hair had such a straight line in it from one ear to the other. I joked about how he must have fallen asleep with headphones on, or had bad hat hair. He informed me it was a scar from brain surgery he had when he was younger. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my nine year old stepson overheard me telling my husband that I was almost out of my favorite shampoo, and since it was discontinued, I couldn't buy any more. He got in the shower and happily emptied the bottles down the drain. FML

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By Username - United Kingdom

Today, I was listening to music while I wrapped Christmas presents. All was going well when the music was cut off, literally. I snipped the cable to my very expensive headphones in half. FML

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By NoPromotionForYou - 7/5/2020 14:00

The sweet smell of success

Today, I was alone at the office. Having held it in all day, I let out the longest, worst-smelling fart of my life. The owner of the company, investigating the odd noise, opened my office door. When the stench hit him, he walked backwards all the way to his office, staring at me, in silence. FML

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By picturemenakedbaby - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were on the phone. He started talking dirty, and saying how horny he was, etc. So I decided to play along and said "I want you to picture me naked, baby." All of a sudden I heard a huge sigh. He responded, "Ew, that just killed it." FML

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By Elise - United States

Today, my boyfriend figured out that he can bounce small things off of my boobs, and has been doing it every time I look away. FML

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By Person - United States

Today, my mother found condoms in my room. She asked why and I said, "Just in case." She started laughing hysterically. FML

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By lingling - United States - Germantown

Today, some beefed-up guy wearing a wife-beater sat in my restaurant, took out a big sack of coins, and played My Little Pony songs on the jukebox for 4 hours straight. I couldn't summon the courage to tell him to leave. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I and several housemates have food poisoning. From what? Last night's Subway, which we only got to avoid eating the pork that was possibly bad as none of us wanted to be sick. FML

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By Sleeeeeep - France

Today, I had to tell my doctor the real reason why I can't sleep at night for him to prescribe me anymore Ambien: I still have the irrational fear that there are monsters in the closet. I'm 22. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked into school confident about the new hair color I'd had done over the weekend. My drama teacher apparently dyed her hair the same color; everyone noticed and thought I'd copied her. FML

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By MadMax - United States

Today, my friend awoke me because I was talking in my sleep. When I asked her what I was talking about she replied with, "Let's just say you were having tea with the Queen of England. And a duck. You're really good at quacking." FML

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By handlin - Mexico

Today, after 8 years, I confessed one of my best friends I've been in love with him since we were kiddies. His answer was "Don't worry, I won't stop talking to you." FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me we've just been fuck buddies for the entire year we've been "together." This wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't working up the courage to propose to her on our anniversary. FML

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By ShouldICallYouDaddy - United Kingdom - Grantham

Today, I discovered that the "hot, slutty, woman" my room mate has been dating is my mom. FML

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By RhuLynette - United Kingdom

Today, I managed to get locked inside a caravan toilet. My relatives heard me having a panic attack and instead of unlocking the door, they called the neighbours over to enjoy my anguish and embarrassment. FML

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Top comments

By Rae Dorman | 13

#7911858 - Sunday 7 June 2020 0:52

Are you a cartoon?

By Kurliez408 | 32

#7911772 - Saturday 6 June 2020 16:27

I doubt you have an actual concussion from smacking your head against the board, but that still sounds painful.

COMMENTS

By John Nemeth | 14

#7911768 - Saturday 6 June 2020 16:01

This is some loony toons shit right here...

By Kurliez408 | 32

#7911772 - Saturday 6 June 2020 16:27

I doubt you have an actual concussion from smacking your head against the board, but that still sounds painful.

Reply

litttle_miss101 | 11

#7913265 - Friday 12 June 2020 15:18

Actually you can get a concussion from getting your head on a board if you hit your head hard enough or if you hit your head in a certain area. I have had enough of them growing up.

By samomaha | 17

#7911784 - Saturday 6 June 2020 17:31

And now you know what the Three Stooges felt like! Sorry for your pains, OP.

By Charlie Given | 23

#7911795 - Saturday 6 June 2020 19:02

Are you a relative of the 3 Stooges, sorry for the bad day I know exactly how you feel

By cosmic | 9

#7911819 - Saturday 6 June 2020 20:56

You deserve it chimp

By Taurus_ChicKa | 36

#7911849 - Sunday 7 June 2020 0:27

Is your name Tim Taylor by any chance?

By Rae Dorman | 13

#7911858 - Sunday 7 June 2020 0:52

Are you a cartoon?

By tounces7 | 27

#7911863 - Sunday 7 June 2020 1:31

Maybe you should stay away from stuff that involves working with your hands.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7911889 - Sunday 7 June 2020 3:43

That's another fine mess you've gotten yourself into.

By DogStew | 20

#7911908 - Sunday 7 June 2020 7:22

Today’s episode on Tool Time...