By Anonymous - 6/6/2020 14:02

Always wear protective gear

Today, while nailing a board down, I hit my thumb with the hammer. As I reached to console my throbbing finger, I dropped the hammer on my foot. When I went down to hold my foot, I smacked my head on the board. Now I've got a concussion, a smashed finger, and a bruised foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1489

You deserved it

589

Tweet

Share

Family values

Live from Salt Lake City

Craft beer bores

By jack

Today, I asked my new girlfriend if she was feeling alright, since she is on her period for the first time since we started dating. I got an empty cereal bowl thrown at my head. Question asked and answered. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1816

You deserved it

339

Tweet

Share

By Noname - United States

Today, I decided to try this new cardio workout video I got. As I was obnoxiously bouncing around my room I heard a noise behind me. Turns out there were three boys outside my window watching. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18036

You deserved it

29017

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while snow plowing I accidentally ran over my kid's basketball. I told him what had happened and he responded by spilling his ant farm into my underwear drawer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33824

You deserved it

7849

Tweet

Share

By Unclean - 12/3/2020 18:58

Missing the point

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me after 6 months because I told him I loved him. Not because he felt any different than I did, but because the term "love" should be reserved for God, and not be said to mortals. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1736

You deserved it

202

Tweet

Share

By Alyssa - United States

Today, my parents were out, so I lit up my first ever joint. I got so stoned out of my mind that when my dad came back home and asked what the smell was, I said a stray cat had left an upper-decker in the toilet. He found the joint in my room, and now I'm grounded for the rest of the school year. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11753

You deserved it

82501

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Orlando

Today, I received a text saying, "I don't think we should be friends anymore. You're terribly depressing and you make everyone unhappy" followed by, "Oops, wrong person!" and then by, "Sorry, it really is for you". FML

I agree, your life sucks

47995

You deserved it

4833

Tweet

Share

By Dulok Warrior Princess - United States - New York

Today, at gym class, coach placed the boys on an "advanced level" rope climb by having a girl cling on their back. I got paired with my crush. As he climbed, we were trailing behind so I cheered for him to go faster. He loudly responded, "Why don't you go on a diet!?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

3325

You deserved it

642

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Calhan

Today, my brother accidentally hit me in the throat. After I stopped coughing, choking, and feeling like I was going to die, he came back into my room, quietly said "I know your weakness," and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35456

You deserved it

3426

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Salinas

Today, I tried to put together some flat-pack furniture. I wound up in my underpants, screaming stuff like, "Fuck you, fucking Ikea bastard" at pieces of confusing plywood. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11935

You deserved it

21644

Tweet

Share

By Rob - United States - Franklin

Today, while looking for some socks in my mom's dresser, I found a male g-string and an edible bra. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45269

You deserved it

16860

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Portugal

Today, my girlfriend convinced me to do some bedroom roleplay, and we decided on acting out a job interview scenario. I suggestively told her that if she wanted to get the job, she'd have to use her mouth on something else first. She called me a pig and ended the roleplay right there. FML

I agree, your life sucks

61906

You deserved it

9157

Tweet

Share

By losingit - United States

Today, I learned I was adopted and that my parents had died in a car accident when I was really young. My girlfriend was sitting next to me when I got the news, and several hours later broke up with me in a text stating, "I don't want to be with someone who doesn't have real parents." FML

I agree, your life sucks

84010

You deserved it

3789

Tweet

Share

By Red-cheeked

Today, at work, somebody stole my sunglasses. Fed up with the constant theft in my office, I stormed up to my boss, as he had long ago promised to catch the thief. He listened patiently to my rant before pointing out that my sunglasses were on my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12443

You deserved it

47445

Tweet

Share

By sadguy - Czech Republic

Today, I decided to propose to my girlfriend on the Charles Bridge in Prague. A little boy thought it would be fun to chase a flock of pigeons towards me. I freaked out and dropped the 2 carat diamond ring. Into the river. FML

I agree, your life sucks

60605

You deserved it

10932

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 14/8/2020 05:02

Priorities

Today, my fiancé and I finally had the house to ourselves for the night for the first time in MONTHS, and we don't know when we will get a chance like this again. So, he texts his buddy to play zombies. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1354

You deserved it

194

Tweet

Share

By Amanda Howard - 27/4/2020 02:00

Says something about you, probably

Today, my brother, who recently got out of prison after doing time for armed robbery, got a job at Target. I applied to the same Target six times, and was denied every time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1840

You deserved it

152

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, a thirty-something guy swaggered into my workplace. He was wearing shutter shades and torn jeans, and claimed to be our new boss. I called security to throw him out, at which point he produced his ID and let me know I'd be attending an employee review session next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26781

You deserved it

8113

Tweet

Share

By fml_for_real - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend to ravish me. He told me he would rather play PS3. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38162

You deserved it

6880

Tweet

Share

By ModernDayMaid

Today was just like any other normal day. Spent the day cleaning the house from top to bottom. I felt great until I went into just about every room I’d cleaned and saw that it was messed up again with zero attempts from my stepdaughter to clean it back up. I really hate preteens. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1887

You deserved it

274

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, my dad got over his aversion to tight pants, giving everyone at the DMV a good look at his package in skin-tight blue jeans. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27357

You deserved it

2374

Tweet

Share

By Junkrat

Today, I was giving my boyfriend oral sex when he pulled away without warning. As I looked up at him to see what was wrong, he screamed "JUSTICE RAINS FROM ABOVE!" and shot his load in my eyes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16221

You deserved it

3217

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend thought it'd be hilarious to secretly swap her and my mom's numbers in my phone, then sexually tease me before going to work. I found out about the prank when I texted my "girlfriend", saying I was going to fuck her so hard she wouldn't walk straight for days. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35958

You deserved it

4966

Tweet

Share

By Alone - United States

Today, a girl mistook me for her boyfriend and broke up with me because I'm "a liar and a cheating bastard." I've never seen her in my life, but I'm so lonely that I tried to convince her to give me another chance and stay with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44220

You deserved it

8865

Tweet

Share

By niiiiiiiiiikki - United States

Today, I had to point out the "no shirt, no shoes, no service" sign at my work to an extremely old, seemingly intoxicated man wearing an ill fitting speedo. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27425

You deserved it

2476

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I went on a hike. It had snowed the night before so I wore warm clothes. They didn’t help when I slipped and broke my leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3000

You deserved it

460

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, my 1-year-old son walked up to me with a disgusted look on his face. I could tell he had something in his mouth so I pulled it out. He'd been sucking on a piece of cat poop. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3773

You deserved it

440

Tweet

Share

By anon - United States

Today, I threw up after drinking a smoothie my mother made me. She then called me "ungrateful" and "immature" for not liking what she spent a long time making for me. I later found out that not only did she use expired yogurt, it was also a mango smoothie, which I'm allergic to. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28527

You deserved it

1810

Tweet

Share

By bummer.. - United States

Today, I found out that the man I just married doesn't want to have children. We had this conversation multiple times with no problems before getting married, but now he would "rather die" than have children, because according to him, they would ruin his life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36412

You deserved it

5728

Tweet

Share

By Ms. Piggy - United States - Clarksville

Today, I was shopping for dresses when my fiancé turned into what I can only call a groomzilla. He told me and my maid of honor that we need to lose weight because he's not "paying all this money for a pair of fatties to not look good." FML

I agree, your life sucks

48890

You deserved it

7451

Tweet

Share

By mwja - France

Today, thanks to a particularly spicy bowl of noodles, my nose decided it would rather be a fountain. A fountain of blood. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31445

You deserved it

3924

Tweet

Share

By homeless - United States

Today, I got home from work to find an eviction notice taped to my door, stating that I was a nuisance and had 30 days to vacate the property. I live at home with my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30292

You deserved it

8835

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my social anxiety got so bad that my 12 yr old daughter had to get in the driver's seat to order from the drive-thru. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11682

You deserved it

2753

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Costa Mesa

Today, while my mother was driving me to school, her coffee started to spill. So like a normal parent, she held it over my lap. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30461

You deserved it

2279

Tweet

Share

By 8 Legs plus 1 - 8/5/2020 14:00 - United Kingdom

Spider-Maaaaaaan

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting frisky. She went to the bathroom momentarily, only to be greeted by a 'huge' spider, which disappeared under a cabinet. Due to her chronic arachnophobia, this instantly turned her off and caused her paranoia all night. I essentially got cock-blocked by a spider. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1753

You deserved it

235

Tweet

Share

By fleetingmemories - United States - Falls Church

Today, I had to bail my husband out of jail. It turns out that in the Black Friday rush, he beat a guy up just so he could get his hands on the last of a heavily-discounted item. The item in question: a toaster. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44911

You deserved it

4306

Tweet

Share

By janice - United States

Today, my boss called me to his office, and played back a recording of me telling a co-worker that if I still worked there in a year, I would hang myself. He then bitched me out for unprofessional conduct. The taped conversation took place over a year ago, with my recently ex-boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29558

You deserved it

7683

Tweet

Share

By Blindsided

Today, my boyfriend’s dog decided that his stomach needed a month’s supply of contacts more than I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2524

You deserved it

285

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Needles

Today, I was meeting my boyfriend's mom. She was driving us to a theme park that was about 2 hours away. She asked for the address to put into the GPS, so I gave it to her. It turned out to be a farm, an hour away from the park. So much for good first impressions. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39140

You deserved it

8882

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was going to the bathroom at my boyfriend's house. I had awful diarrhea and was almost done, when I noticed a spider on the ground. Being terrified, I took a giant ball of toilet paper to kill it. I realized then that I had no toilet paper left to use. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11675

You deserved it

34987

Tweet

Share

By mark - United States

Today, I went downstairs after a family argument. The front door was kicked in, the sink faucet was snapped off, and there were broken plates all over the kitchen floor. I later found out that the argument was over who left the refrigerator door open. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35683

You deserved it

2574

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Rae Dorman | 13

#7911858 - Sunday 7 June 2020 0:52

Are you a cartoon?

By Kurliez408 | 32

#7911772 - Saturday 6 June 2020 16:27

I doubt you have an actual concussion from smacking your head against the board, but that still sounds painful.

COMMENTS

By John Nemeth | 14

#7911768 - Saturday 6 June 2020 16:01

This is some loony toons shit right here...

By Kurliez408 | 32

#7911772 - Saturday 6 June 2020 16:27

I doubt you have an actual concussion from smacking your head against the board, but that still sounds painful.

Reply

litttle_miss101 | 11

#7913265 - Friday 12 June 2020 15:18

Actually you can get a concussion from getting your head on a board if you hit your head hard enough or if you hit your head in a certain area. I have had enough of them growing up.

By samomaha | 17

#7911784 - Saturday 6 June 2020 17:31

And now you know what the Three Stooges felt like! Sorry for your pains, OP.

By Charlie Given | 23

#7911795 - Saturday 6 June 2020 19:02

Are you a relative of the 3 Stooges, sorry for the bad day I know exactly how you feel

By cosmic | 9

#7911819 - Saturday 6 June 2020 20:56

You deserve it chimp

By Taurus_ChicKa | 36

#7911849 - Sunday 7 June 2020 0:27

Is your name Tim Taylor by any chance?

By Rae Dorman | 13

#7911858 - Sunday 7 June 2020 0:52

Are you a cartoon?

By tounces7 | 27

#7911863 - Sunday 7 June 2020 1:31

Maybe you should stay away from stuff that involves working with your hands.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7911889 - Sunday 7 June 2020 3:43

That's another fine mess you've gotten yourself into.

By DogStew | 19

#7911908 - Sunday 7 June 2020 7:22

Today’s episode on Tool Time...