anon · 12 August 2024, 14:00 ·New Zealand

Act three, scene one

Today, I was performing in a community theater production. Right before my big scene, I felt a sneeze coming on. I tried to hold it in, but it came out with such force that I lost my balance, fell off the stage, and landed in the lap of the mayor, who was in the front row. My character’s dramatic entrance was unforgettable for all the wrong reasons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 402 You deserved it 146

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Can't win · 12 August 2024, 12:00 ·United States

Get up, stand up!

Today, since I've been told (and am well aware) that I'm too nice, I've been trying to become more assertive. The only trouble is that I find it to be almost impossible, especially because my friends are always asking what my problem is when I stand up for myself. Isn't this what you wanted? FML

I agree, your life sucks 412 You deserved it 94

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Club Member Prospect · 12 August 2024, 09:00 ·Brooklyn, United States

Misery loves company

Today, my sister made me a "hearty" breakfast. It was a large bowl of oatmeal which consisted of 10% raw oats and 90% Nutella. This started ever since our medical tests results came out about a month ago. She and her husband registered as diabetics, their son is pre-diabetic, and I came out clean as can be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 475 You deserved it 80

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Stephen · 12 August 2024, 06:00 ·Fort Rucker, United States

Manipulation

Today, I realized that I got set up by my narcissistic ex-fiancée. She'd planned to get pregnant by me, did, then halfway way through the pregnancy put a restraining order on me, and went MIA. Now I don't know anything about my child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 486 You deserved it 153

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nightwalker2253 · This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff ·Orange, United States

Orange river splashing

Today, I was floating on a river with some friends when I accidentally splashed one of their girlfriends in the face. She started crying and everyone gave me the silent treatment for the rest of the trip. We are all 26 years-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 896 You deserved it 2 515

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Anonymous · 12 August 2024, 00:00 ·Australia

Sweep it under the rug

Today, my girlfriend told me she was coming over for a surprise visit. I quickly tidied up, but not before shoving all my dirty laundry under the bed. When she arrived, she brought her dog in. Her dog immediately sniffed out the laundry and dragged my most embarrassing underwear into the living room while her parents watched. FML

I agree, your life sucks 195 You deserved it 524

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Jillian · 11 August 2024, 22:00 ·Sunderland, United Kingdom

We've almost all been there

Today, I was walking down the street when I saw someone I thought I knew. I waved enthusiastically and shouted, "Hey!" The person stared blankly at me, so I quickly turned it into a wave at someone else behind them. There was no one behind them. I was just waving and yelling into the void like an idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 205 You deserved it 361

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Anonymous · 11 August 2024, 20:00 ·Toronto, Canada

Dr Phil

Today, I was in a crowded elevator and, like any sane person, eavesdropped on the couple in front of me. The guy was breaking up with his girlfriend, and she was crying. As they got off, I patted her on the back and said, "You can do better, honey." It wasn’t until the doors closed that I realized I had just encouraged my boss's wife to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 153 You deserved it 564

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ddhaley1 · This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff ·Edmond, United States

Sorry sweetie

Today, instead of kissing my child's boo-boo on her finger to make it feel better, I accidentally headbutted her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 829 You deserved it 3 338

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Anonymous · 11 August 2024, 14:00 ·Harplinge, Sweden

Fur suit

Today, I rushed to a job interview, but my cat rubbed against me, covering my suit in fur. I grabbed a lint roller, tripped over the cat, and knocked out a front tooth. I showed up sweaty, disheveled, and missing a tooth. I didn’t get the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 471 You deserved it 130

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sean · 11 August 2024, 12:00 ·San Diego, United States

Horses for courses

Today, my ex-girlfriend, who cheated on me a year ago, goes on vacations every month with a new guy, who she doesn’t mind hooking up with other girls, sometimes they even do it together. I work at a minimum wage job and when I was with her, she was one of the most possessive people I knew. FML

I agree, your life sucks 423 You deserved it 141

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Anonymous · 11 August 2024, 09:00 ·United States

Dionysus wept

Today, I told my boyfriend he looked like a Greek god. He looked confused and said, "Thanks, I guess? But aren’t they all fat and drunk?" I’m dating a man who thinks Greek gods are just overweight party animals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 346 You deserved it 166

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Semipro Writer · 11 August 2024, 06:00 ·United Kingdom

A Worldcon for Our Futures

Today, it's been a week since I flew to Scotland to attend a writer's retreat and then go to WorldCon to see friends and try and sell the book I just finished. I tested positive for Covid the first day of the retreat, and every day since. I already missed the retreat. Now it looks like I'll be missing the con, too. Sigh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 468 You deserved it 114

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soontobesingle · This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff ·Sherborne, United Kingdom

And you ask find yourself, "Well, how did I get here?"

Today, my husband called me, saying he was in the hospital with a friend who'd just broken his arm. Too bad I then heard a female voice in the background mutter, "She'll never buy that". FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 071 You deserved it 4 425

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Anonymous · 11 August 2024, 00:00 ·United States

Perfect timing

Today, at 36 years-old, I will be leaving to go on my first ever vacation. Aunt Flo held off until yesterday so she could come with me, and she's BAD this month. We were planning on going to the beach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 441 You deserved it 124

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Wtmcisdis · 10 August 2024, 22:00 ·Douglasville, United States

What did you do?

Today, my mom had me arrested in the most humiliating way ever, in my nightgown, with no bra. She pushed me out her vagina, and now her life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 191 You deserved it 425

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Anonymous · 10 August 2024, 20:00 ·Las Vegas, United States

Dudes rock

Today, I found out my SO is cheating on me. He has been acting weird so I went through his phone and, sure enough, my gut was right. We have a baby and I've been raising his kids. He's wack as hell for that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 514 You deserved it 137

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ParkerRommel · This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff ·United States

Shattered

Today, I was apparently tired enough to spray silly string under my armpits rather than deodorant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 277 You deserved it 7 149

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Frasier · 10 August 2024, 16:00 ·Portland, United States

Minus one Karma

Today, I lost my wallet while out shopping. Panicked, I retraced my steps and found it at a store, turned in by an employee. Grateful, I opened it to find a note that read, "We left the money but took one dollar for karma." I checked. They did actually take one dollar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 171 You deserved it 595

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Anonymous · 10 August 2024, 12:00 ·Winnipeg, Canada

Avalanche

Today, I fell, cut my hand, and needed four stitches. Yesterday, I caught a cold. Two days before that, my girlfriend broke up with me. No rest for the wicked, I guess. FML

I agree, your life sucks 425 You deserved it 111

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Dee · 10 August 2024, 09:00 ·United States

Pragmatism

Today, I finally felt comfortable enough to admit to my partner that occasionally when feeling I'm depressed, I binge eat until my stomach hurts. His response? "We can't financially afford you doing that." I guess finances mean more to him than my mental health. FML

I agree, your life sucks 302 You deserved it 450

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Anonymous · This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff ·Ridgefield, United States

Brain worms

Today, I went out to get groceries and ice-cream. When I got home, I couldn't find my house keys. I retraced my steps, but with no luck. I returned home and had to break in. While unpacking, I found my keys in the bag, right next to the completely melted ice cream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 854 You deserved it 10 021

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KATY · 10 August 2024, 03:00 ·Las Vegas, United States

Easy peasy

Today, after watching a few YouTube tutorials and thinking it looked easy, I decided to cut my own bangs. Halfway through, my scissors broke. Now I have uneven bangs and no way to fix them until I get to a salon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 138 You deserved it 456

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Anonymous · 10 August 2024, 00:00 ·Canada

Adulting is tough

Today, in last ditch attempt to be an adult, I trotted out to do my grocery shopping for the week. As I confidently strode through the produce aisle, I grabbed what I thought was a nice, ripe mango. At checkout, the cashier kindly informed me it was in fact a massive potato. FML

I agree, your life sucks 107 You deserved it 569

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Anonymous · 9 August 2024, 20:00 ·United States

What should I do?

Today, I found out my significant other of 14 years roughly has been with another guy for over a year and they’ve taken it all the way, if you know what I mean. While living with me. I’d watch our 4 kids so she "could go out to the movies with a girlfriend" of hers. I definitely got fucked on that one, not sure what to do now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 754 You deserved it 129

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suspicious · This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff ·United States

Reported!

Today, I received a lovely letter from the council telling me I have to cease the act of "breeding and selling cats" because someone from my Facebook reported me. I'm pretty sure I've never owned a cat or had one in my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 618 You deserved it 3 043

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Anonymous · 9 August 2024, 16:00 ·United States

This isn't very romantic or comedic

Today, I went to the movies and accidentally walked into the wrong theater. I sat through an entire horror film, thinking it was supposed to be a rom-com. I kept waiting for the romantic twist. It never came. Satanic haunted dolls or whatever they were did, though. FML

I agree, your life sucks 95 You deserved it 635

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Anonymous · 9 August 2024, 14:00 ·Manchester, United Kingdom

The walls have ears

Today, while sitting at a table in a coffee shop, I overheard someone on the next table talking about their horrible boss. I joined in, complaining about mine, and going into great detail about what an arsehole he can be. Turns out, I was talking to my boss's sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 122 You deserved it 704

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Blade83 · 9 August 2024, 12:00 ·Perth, Australia

It's the thought that counts

Today, my friends threw me a surprise birthday party. The problem? My birthday is tomorrow. I spent the entire evening pretending I was surprised and happy, all while knowing they got the date wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 175 You deserved it 622

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Tracey · 9 August 2024, 09:00 ·Baltimore, United States

Overconfident

Today, my 10-year-old niece asked me how to spell "embarrassing." I confidently spelled it out. She giggled and said, "No, that's wrong." She was right, and to make matters a tad ironic, I'd just finished bragging about winning a spelling bee back in middle school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 You deserved it 481

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