Kris · 27 July 2024, 12:00 ·Dunedin, New Zealand

Impressive

Today, I tried to blow my girlfriend's vegan parents minds by cooking them a tofu stir-fry. Being allergic to tofu but wanting to prove my cooking skills, I wore gloves and avoided touching my face. Somehow, I still managed to get it in my eye, causing an allergic reaction that made my face swell up like a balloon. Now her parents think I'm some sort of Martian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 310 You deserved it 465

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Anonymous · 27 July 2024, 09:00 ·United Kingdom

Nice

Today, I was at a coffee shop, trying to get to know the cute new barista. I wanted to compliment his nice eyes, but I got nervous and blurted out, "You have nice elbows!" He stared at me, confused, as I quickly grabbed my coffee and left. Now I can't even imagine going back there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 172 You deserved it 456

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Anonymous · 27 July 2024, 06:00 ·United States

Messed up

Today, I learned that my boyfriend, the father of my child, has been cheating on me. We’ve only been back together for about five months. I stopped talking to someone I really liked to try to make it work with him for our kid. I learned a few days ago that that guy moved on. I regret not taking my chance. Now I might not ever get one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 281 You deserved it 576

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Cinderella · This FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff

Toxic wasteland

Today, my house was so dusty that when I started to clean it, the smoke detector went off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 168 You deserved it 2 617

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Anonymous · 27 July 2024, 00:00 ·Chaska, United States

Advice wanted

Today, I'm wondering if I can forgive someone who I was there for when they were at their lowest, but when I was at mine, they dropped me and told me they couldn’t help me, and I can't talk to them about it anymore? FML

I agree, your life sucks 467 You deserved it 112

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Bob · 26 July 2024, 22:00 ·Los Angeles, United States

Brutal

Today, I worked my job then went home to enjoy my weekend. An hour later, I was called and told I was fired, without any reason given. I can’t even empty my locker, as they'd said they would mail my things to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 518 You deserved it 74

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Anonymous · 26 July 2024, 20:00 ·United Kingdom

Science, bitch!

Today, one of my twin sons found out he's going to be a dad. His little sister who loves science ended up telling him that, since he has a twin who is genetically identical, he's genetically the baby's dad too. My son, being a bit dim, took this to mean his brother slept with his wife and hit him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 557 You deserved it 125

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Anonymous · This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff ·United States

Smells like… victory

Today, they're pumping out the septic system in the building next door. I'm three months pregnant, suffering from morning sickness, and can smell everything within a three-mile radius. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 724 You deserved it 3 952

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Gertland · 26 July 2024, 16:00 ·Bakersfield, United States

Jacked

Today, I went to the gym and approached a machine I had never used before. After a few minutes of awkward attempts, an instructor came over and politely informed me I was using it completely wrong. The worst part? It was the stretching machine, and I thought it was for abs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 297 You deserved it 264

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Anonymous · 26 July 2024, 14:00 ·United States

How come you were there?

Today, my best friend is mad at me for "letting my paranoia ruin her relationship." I've been telling her for months now that I don't trust her boyfriend's female best friend, but she never listened to me. Guess who I caught in bed together a few hours ago while my best friend was at work? FML

I agree, your life sucks 542 You deserved it 108

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Anonymous · 26 July 2024, 12:00 ·Australia

Astronomical

Today, my phone alarm went off at 3 AM. I don't remember setting it, but it turns out I'd somehow activated an old "Wake up for a meteor shower" reminder. Despite it being the wrong day by months, I got up, looked outside, and only then did my brain kick into gear and I realized it was set for the wrong date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 349 You deserved it 199

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FML · 26 July 2024, 09:00 ·United States

Dramatic

Today, I was on my period, so I felt a little emotional, and asked my boyfriend for some attention. He said he needed ten minutes to finish his game with his friend. I laid down on the floor and started crying hysterically. He broke up with me and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 164 You deserved it 1 336

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Anonymous · 26 July 2024, 06:00

Jump around

Today, I was on a one day business trip to America, literally, one day, I didn’t even need a hotel, just straight back to the airport. I woke up in hospital, an AMERICAN hospital, because I got a blood clot from the flight and needed surgery. The bill is astronomical and I’m uninsured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 726 You deserved it 154

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Anonymous · This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff ·Canberra, Australia

At least you tried, son

Today, while trying to score a date, I almost made a girl pass out. No, I didn't try to chloroform her, I just came across as so pathetic that she laughed hard enough to have an asthma attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 309 You deserved it 3 278

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Anonymous · 26 July 2024, 00:00 ·United States

Oh no you don't!

Today, I woke up to my partner showering me with love and gifts. Confused, I asked, "What's the occasion?" It was our anniversary. Not only had I forgotten, but I'd also scheduled a gaming marathon with friends for the entire day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75 You deserved it 923

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Anonymous · 25 July 2024, 22:00

Chill out, mate

Today, I learned that when you tell an employee with anger issues that he’s had too many sick days due to being hungover, there's a high chance you will be hoisted off the ground by your shirt front and thrown into a drainage ditch full of stagnant water and a dead fox. FML

I agree, your life sucks 601 You deserved it 103

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Anonymous · 25 July 2024, 20:00 ·Edmonton, Canada

What did you say?

Today, whenever I get into arguments, I end up mixing up words. I was trying to prove a point by saying a type of chips, and was debating between Dorito chips or BBQ chips. I ended up saying "burrito chips." I said my friend would "sell me out for a bag of burrito chips." FML

I agree, your life sucks 169 You deserved it 335

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rockefoe · This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff ·United States

Paranoid

Today, I was studying late and kept hearing weird screeching sounds from outside. I couldn't figure out what it was and started getting really freaked out. It wasn't until later that I realized it was just my nose whistling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 978 You deserved it 33 832

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Anonymous · 25 July 2024, 16:00 ·United Kingdom

Foolproof

Today, I received a package addressed to my husband. I thought it was a surprise gift for me, so I excitedly opened it. It turned out to be a 3-foot tall realistic-looking penguin. Confused, I asked him about it. He sheepishly admitted he'd bought it to scare off the neighbor's cat, who's been using our garden as a litter tray. FML

I agree, your life sucks 97 You deserved it 760

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Anonymous · 25 July 2024, 14:00 ·United States

How red are these flags?

Today, I'm in a situation where I'm in a relationship, but he doesn't talk to me at all. He love-bombed me at first, and now I'm not sure how to even talk to him. I hardly know anything about him. I wanna break up but we got together like two months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 151 You deserved it 621

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Old soul · 25 July 2024, 12:00 ·Steele, United States

Time is on my side

Today, I, a person who will be 21 in a few months, was mistaken for my mom's older brother. My mom is in her fifties. Apparently this is becoming increasingly common, because the world sucks. I didn't realize it was affecting me this badly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 396 You deserved it 159

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Anonymous · 25 July 2024, 09:00 ·Bakersfield, United States

Old dog, new tricks

Today, for my mom's birthday, I couldn't figure out what to get her, so I just took some of her jewelry, wrapped it up, and re-gifted it. She recognized it instantly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 You deserved it 1 481

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Anonymous · 25 July 2024, 06:00

What is wrong with you?

Today, our dog is a racist. No other way to say it. We’ve had her since she was born, raised her just like our other dogs, but every time we try to take her for a walk, if she spots a black person, any black person, she barks at them, and once almost bit someone. We don’t know what to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 478 You deserved it 178

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Anonymous · This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff ·United Kingdom

Costume parties are the worst

Today, I went to a party dressed as a Pinata. Drunk people tried to hit me all night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 574 You deserved it 57 530

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Anonymous · 25 July 2024, 00:00 ·United States

A bit late for that

Today, I realized that my only chance of being promoted was if I moved to a bigger city… twenty years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 386 You deserved it 127

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I want a divorce! · 24 July 2024, 22:00 ·Anaheim, United States

You can't do anything these days!

Today, even though I told him not to, my husband tried the old “pull a shotgun on your daughter’s date” thing. It turns out the kid’s mom is a lawyer and his uncle is a cop. Now my husband is under investigation for a hate crime, because the kid is a different race than us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 598 You deserved it 388

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Anonymous · 24 July 2024, 20:00

Great party

Today, what should have been a nice family dinner ended with my wife standing over me, staring me dead in the eyes, while endlessly repeating, “Get him out of my house, get him out of my house…” until I agreed to take my drunk brother to a hotel to sleep it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 136 You deserved it 817

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Anonymous · This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff ·United States

Ciao!

Today, I found out that my wife of 5 years has decided to change everything: her job, clothes, hair style, car, and me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 668 You deserved it 3 172

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Loser Ninong · 24 July 2024, 14:00 ·Makati City, Philippines

Cash machine

Today, my sister attempted to get me to fund her daughter, my godchild's, birthday party. I told her I would give her 200 (which isn't much). Our mom "intervened" by cussing me out for being a cheap ass piece of shit. I was about to give her $200, which is A LOT in our currency when exchanged. FML

I agree, your life sucks 509 You deserved it 123

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Anonymous · 24 July 2024, 12:00

Honey, time to move

Today, I told my mom that I’m pregnant. My husband and I live in a cottage on her land, and her actual words were, “Well you better abort it, because you’re not having any baby in my cottage. The piss, shit, and sick will ruin the resale value.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 674 You deserved it 201

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