All the FMLs

Poor kitty

By Sorry kitty - 30/06/2024 14:00 - United States

Today, I found out while pet-sitting that a white cat is no easier to see in the dark than a black cat. I also found out that this particular cat doesn't take kindly to being accidentally kicked, even if it wasn't that hard. My feet have seen better days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 249

You deserved it 315

Sneaked in

By GameMeetsGame2024 - 30/06/2024 12:00 - United States - Chicago

Today, an attractive woman was flirting with me from across a coffee shop. When I walked over and introduced myself, she served me with my divorce paperwork. FML

I agree, your life sucks 139

You deserved it 1 060

Easy mistake

By Anonymous - 30/06/2024 09:00 - United States

Today, I accidentally left the store with a bag full of groceries without paying. I realized this halfway to my car when an employee chased me down, thinking I was a thief. Turns out, I had spaced out and walked out during a fire alarm drill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 176

You deserved it 471

Smooth

By Jank - 30/06/2024 06:00 - United Kingdom - Doncaster

Today, on a third and hopefully eventful date, I tried to be smooth and pull out my date's chair for them at a restaurant. I misjudged the distance and ended up pulling the chair out from under them completely, causing them to fall. The rest of the date was spent apologizing profusely. No third base either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 142

You deserved it 601

Seasonal

By crazyautio - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, while at work, a lady with a mustache came in and told me she was lost. I was happy to help, but could not stop rubbing my nose due to allergies. As she left, she said, "I know I have a mustache you little ass" and stormed out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 247

You deserved it 3 054

You snooze, you lose

By Anonymous - 30/06/2024 00:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a dealership for a new car. We were halfway through paperwork when the manager informed me I wouldn’t be buying the S Class, but I would be buying a Nissan Micra. Turns out my wife fell asleep in the car, allowing our son to escape and draw smiley faces on the Nissan with a rock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 512

You deserved it 287

Bad idea

By Anonymous - 29/06/2024 22:00 - United States - Herndon

Today, I went on a first date with a guy. It’s a little awkward so I went to the bathroom to do two bumps of coke, came back to the table, and realized it was ketamine. I didn’t tell him, but I was so fucked up, he offered to get me an Uber home but I told him I called my mom to pick me up instead. He left and unmatched me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47

You deserved it 1 868

Dog park blues

By Anonymous - 29/06/2024 20:00 - Canada

Today, while dogsitting for a friend, I took their overly excitable dog to the park. The moment I unleashed him, he bolted, and I ended up chasing him for what felt like miles. When I finally caught him, I was covered in mud and my pants had a huge tear in them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 115

You deserved it 688

With a heavy heart…

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I watched my best friend get married to the guy I have been in love with since the eighth grade. I was the maid of honor, and had to give a toast to the couple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 961

You deserved it 17 992

It never rains, it pours

By Anonymous - 29/06/2024 16:00 - United States - Culpeper

Today, I got a speeding ticket in the mail, at the same time as my car was getting towed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 349

You deserved it 218

Stable genius

By Anonymous - 29/06/2024 14:00 - United States

Today, my mom casually told me, "Remember that time we went to build a swing set when you were four? Actually, I was going to hang myself and take you with me so that you didn't suffer in this life. If it wasn't for your Grandma, we wouldn't be here now. And when I took you to the lake… Oh, silly me!" Cool, mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 739

You deserved it 83

Party animal

By stupid friendless loser - 29/06/2024 12:00 - United States

Today, I slipped out my bedroom window at night in an attempt to rebel against my parents. Then I realized that I have no friends and nowhere to go, so I tried to climb back in. I fell, broke my ankle, and laid in the dirt until my parents found me in the morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 178

You deserved it 721

Drunk on the job

By Anonymous - 29/06/2024 09:00 - United States - Matawan

Today, I was in a rush to get my lunch for work. I quickly opened my fridge to grab it, and accidentally knocked over a beer, spilling a little on my pants. I told myself I'd spray them in the car. I forgot, and when I got into work, someone sat down and commented that they smelled beer. The person was a student. FML

I agree, your life sucks 307

You deserved it 253

Gush gashed

By Anonymous - 29/06/2024 06:00 - United States - Tallahassee

Today, I was using a public restroom when the automatic toilet flushed prematurely. The sudden gush of water startled me so much that I jumped up and slipped, hitting my head on the stall door. A concerned stranger had to help me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 413

You deserved it 136

Desperate

By tp2014 - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Jesup

Today, I was looking for a job. I was so desperate for gas money to drive around town that I had to steal $20 from my sister. She's only 10 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 858

You deserved it 23 466

Bent out of shape

By Anonymous - 28/06/2024 22:00 - United Kingdom - Clydebank

Today, I went for a massage because my shoulder's been hurting for months but I can't take decent painkillers because they'd react with my anti-depressants. It STILL hurts, but worse, across my upper spine, and I can't tilt my head back. I paid to look like The Hunchback of Notre Dame doing a swan impression. FML

I agree, your life sucks 409

You deserved it 148

Humblebrag time

By Pusillanimous - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was waiting in line with a friend, and she poked my stomach and said, "I wish I had your stomach." I asked her why. She said, "Boys wouldn't flirt with me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 716

You deserved it 5 542

Always wear camo gear

By Anonymous - 28/06/2024 16:00 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I took a huge shit halfway through my gym workout, one of them half-wet, messy, stuck in your butt hairs. Three rolls and an anus with the feeling of carpet burn later, I proceeded to the bench feeling strong. At the twelfth rep, I sharted, right in my brand new gray pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 392

You deserved it 339

Say hello, wave goodbye

By Anonymous - 28/06/2024 14:00 - United States

Today, I moved in with my boyfriend. I also moved right back out, after I caught him sexting one of his coworkers just a few hours later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 644

You deserved it 104

Keep some things to yourself

By Beer - 28/06/2024 12:00 - United States

Today, I picked out a massive two-inch long ingrown hair on my chin. I called my girlfriend in to take a look. She saw it, shrieked, then fainted, cracking her head on the toilet as she fell. Hello, hospital bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 283

You deserved it 393

Guess who?

By Anonymous - 28/06/2024 09:00

Today, after I fired a guy two weeks ago for being a lazy ass, I'd put his job out for applicants to apply, I was going to have the interviews. My assistant informed me only one person applied. It was him, applying to get his job back. I had to rehire him because the position needed filling today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 204

You deserved it 569

None of the above

By Anonymous - 28/06/2024 06:00 - United States

Today, I borrowed my uncle's car because mine was in the shop. I didn't know the jackass had a "TRUMP 2024" bumper sticker until someone threw a rock at my head. Now I'm in the hospital with a concussion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 547

You deserved it 276

Chance encounter

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my cat ran outside. As I ran around the side of my house to get her, I felt a gigantic spiderweb land on my face. I also felt a light thud on my eye and it started to tear up. I ran inside and looked in a mirror, the spider was in my eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 272

You deserved it 3 587

Hot headed

By Anonymous - 28/06/2024 00:00 - United States

Today, during an argument with my fiancé, I threw my engagement ring on the ground. The center stone broke off. Now he's couch surfing, and has sworn that he won't marry me unless I can find the stone. One stupid moment might actually ruin my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79

You deserved it 1 485

Romcom trope

By Anonymous - 27/06/2024 22:00 - United Kingdom

Today, a waiter fucked up by bringing a dessert with engagement ring to our table. My girlfriend started crying and saying, "Yes Yes Yes!" The look on her face when she had to take the ring off and give it back to the other woman… She’s now giving me the silent treatment, even though I did nothing wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 912

You deserved it 114

Headshot

By suhleedah18 - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was working on my computer when my dad walks in, pointing his finger at me like a gun. Before I could even ask, it turns out he was aiming a rubber band at me. The doctor says I'll be able to take off my eyepatch in a couple of days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 384

You deserved it 2 748

What fresh hell is this?

By What - 27/06/2024 16:00 - United States

Today, after going to the doctor, thinking I was going to be diagnosed with hyperthyroidism, it turns out my thyroid is "perfectly normal." Apparently the strange feeling in my neck that oddly mimicked the disease is "an autism thing", even though I've never noticed it happen until now. I am so confused. FML

I agree, your life sucks 447

You deserved it 126

OBEY

By Nope! - 27/06/2024 14:00 - United States - Riverside

Today, my husband told me that I’m no longer “allowed” to see my best friend of 27 years. He’s worked up in his mind that she’s going to try to convince me to cheat on him because she’s single. She literally introduced us and was the maid of honor at our wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 739

You deserved it 108

Have a Kitkat

By Billy - 27/06/2024 09:00 - United States

Today, my wife came back from a three-day moms' retreat, and was mad I didn't immediately want to spend time with her. She called me 68 times (yes, I counted) while she was gone, so it was really like she never left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 552

You deserved it 111

Jerry Maguire moment

By Anonymous - 27/06/2024 06:00

Today, it's been a week since my new boss destroyed our business in less than an hour. His first instruction was, “Fire that old guy who was rude to me.” That old guy was our lead fabrication engineer, with 45 years experience. He took 10 other engineers with him as he left, and most of our repeat customers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 760

You deserved it 111

FML on Facebook

Keywords

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The Top

Today, at 19 years of age, I finally saw a nude girl in real life. Specifically, my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 832

You deserved it 2 097

Today, I was riding my bike home from the store. Wanting to impress some passers-by, I tried to do a trick on a sharp turn. I hit a pole with my balls. As I was lying on the ground in agony, a guy pulled over, took a picture, and took off laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 436

You deserved it 51 130

Today, I was attempting to tame my bushy eyebrows, since I'm starting a new job in a few days and need to look somewhat presentable, when I poked myself in the eye. Hard. I thought I’d blinded myself for a few moments. Now it’s just red, sore and watery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 811

You deserved it 243

Today, I told my daughter her mom was busy fighting aliens, so I wouldn’t have to tell her that her mom is just a shitty, self-absorbed bitch, who doesn’t deserve kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 833

You deserved it 1 111

Today, I took my cat to the vet. As the vet reached to examine him, he hissed, then clawed me instead, and then ran straight into a wall. Now we’re both sitting at the vet's, scowling and injured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 386

You deserved it 131

Today, I googled which documents we needed to provide to sell our marital home. It took me three minutes and I have to complete list. My ex-husband, who's been complaining we have to sell as soon as possible, is ignoring the list, because he bought a book on houses, and wants to read it first. He hasn't read a book in 15 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 321

You deserved it 57