Mr Fort Wayne, USA 41 years-old In a relationship
Today, I picked my 12-year-old daughter up from school after her first sexual education lecture. She burst into tears on the way home explaining her fears of being pregnant with her boyfriend's child. As if that doesn't sound bad enough, I've met her boyfriend before. He is imaginary. FML
Today, my husband bleached his hair so, "our future kids will have blond hair too." I'm already married to this guy. FML
Today, I woke up to my 5-year-old son covering my nose and mouth with his hand and complaining, "Noooo, you need to die now." FML
Today, I shadowed an ultrasound technician for my future career. She did an ultrasound on me to show me how to do the job. I found out I was pregnant. FML
Today, my friend took me tandem skydiving. When it was time to jump, he began crying, said he'd cut our parachute cords, then said "Goodbye, cruel world!" and pushed me off the plane with him strapped to my back. I pissed myself and cried like a bitch. He thinks his "prank" was hilarious. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me he loved me for the very first time in three years. Apparently, all it took was anal. FML
Today, my pregnant girlfriend asked me if she should take a pregnancy test to make sure the baby is really hers. FML
Today, my self-esteem sank so low that I sabotaged my workplace's corporate network, then fixed it, just so I could feel needed. FML
Today, after nearly 5 months of trying for a baby, I found out my wife has continued to take the pill as it gave her a better idea of her cycle and thus when she'd be "most fertile". FML
Today, I was yelled at by a customer because I wouldn't give her a new iPhone 5 for free to replace her broken Nokia, which she threw out the window in "blind rage". I felt awful having to thank her for calling. Sadly, this is a daily event. FML
Today, my boss gave me a new assignment at work: go online and look for my own replacement, then interview him. FML
Today, the girl I'm dating mentioned that she'd had her healthy wisdom teeth removed to prevent her future children from having wisdom teeth. I laughed. She wasn't joking. FML
Today, my dad yelled at me for buying chunky peanut butter. He wanted smooth. Apparently he's "allergic to peanuts." I had to explain to him why his argument made no sense. FML
Well that experiment was a bust.
Today, my step-brother said to me, "If we weren't related I would fuck you so hard." Mom says I should "be grateful for such a nice compliment." FML
Today, I discovered that for the last six months my mother has been leaving my TV on FOX while I sleep, in the hope that my subconscious will absorb it and turn me into "a morally-upright human being". FML
Today, I went on a date with a guy for the first time. We went to Starbucks and got coffee. We talked for a while, and we were joking and having a good time. Suddenly, he put his hand on my stomach and said, "Soon, this will be plump with my seed." FML
Today, I overheard my uncle talking about me to his friends. Nothing serious, just that he'd fuck me senseless if we weren't related. FML
Today, my apparently insane and now ex-girlfriend actually claimed she didn't technically cheat on me, because she set her Facebook relationship to "single" before screwing my brother. FML
Today, my boyfriend called me in tears, convinced that he found me in a porn video online. It wasn't me. And when I finally got him to give me the web address, I too started crying at the realization of how fat he thinks I am. FML
Today, I was at work and a lady came in with a cake - I work as a nurse in a pediatrics ward. While we were eating the cake, she told us she used her breast milk instead of normal milk. Now all of us nurses have to be tested. FML
Today, my doctor told me to buy some KY Jelly and a dildo to help "loosen me up" so sex isn't so painful. I haven't been able to have sex for 6 months because it hurts so badly, and now my doctor has basically told me to go fuck myself. FML
Today, my boss said he's worried about our network, because, "Wi-Fi’s all in the air. People could spy on us from anywhere!" I sarcastically said, "My god, you're right!" and suggested switching to tin-foil Ethernet cables to stop the signal escaping. He told me to do it ASAP. This moron makes five times my salary. FML
Today, trying to be a responsible parent, I bought my daughter a pack of condoms in case she ever decided to have sex. She turned them into balloon animals and went back to playing video games. FML
Today, my wife and I had to rush our dog to the vet for a $700 emergency surgery. The x-ray showed that he had eaten a vibrating cock ring. I've never bought or owned one, so now I've got to deal with the vet bill and lawyer's fees for my soon-to-be ex-wife. FML
Today, at the request of my girlfriend, I took a ruler with me into the shower to measure myself. Later on, at the dinner table, my mom asked me, "so, how big is it?" I had forgotten to take the ruler out of the shower. FML
Today, I met my girlfriend's dad for the first time. I recognized him. He's the guy that broke into my car and stole my backpack two weeks ago. FML
Today, after recently celebrating our third wedding anniversary, my husband and I watched my mom and his dad say, "I do." I'm now married to my step-brother. FML
Today, I tried to quit my job. My boss just looked at me and said, "No. You can't quit." FML
Today, I dressed in my sexiest clothes to meet my new boyfriend at a restaurant. As I was a bit early, I took the opportunity to smoke a cigarette outside while I waited. The restaurant owner came out and said, "Hey, you. Go and 'work' somewhere else, please." FML
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