Today, I moved in with my brother to save on a swanky apartment. I was skeptical as to how this would work out as we fought a lot as kids. Our first big fight? Whether or not to keep his dorm-style futon complete with Return of the Jedi sheets. He's a 35-yr old physician; I'm a 28-yr old lawyer. FML
Today, my friend and I decided to get bikini waxes. Afterwards, the women who did the waxing told my friend it was $30 for her wax. Then, in front of the whole salon, the women points at me and says, "You! You so hairy- $35!". FML
Today, I had a check-up with my dermatologist. When I took off my pants, she noticed a small mark on my penis and was concerned. I had to inform her that it was not in fact a mole, but a bruise from getting it stuck in a Snapple bottle two days prior to the check-up. FML
Today, it started raining unexpectedly. My daughter and I didn't have an umbrella, so my daughter raised one of my big flabby arms and put it over her head to protect her from the rain. It worked. FML
Today, I was performing in the musical 'Cabaret'. I was playing a Nazi soldier, swastika armband and all. Someone thought it would be funny to take my real clothes while I was on stage. I had to walk a mile back my house with my costume on. Someone threw eggs at me. FML
Today, as a joke, my friends and I decided to put me in a dress and makeup, to creep out a friend. I'm a guy. I'm not sure which is worse, the fact that I so willingly volunteered to wear the dress and the makeup, or the fact that I thought it was comfy and made me look slim. FML
Today, my mom drove me to football practice. On the way she told me that she thought I was gay and that my friend was my lover. After 15 agonizing minutes of this, we get to my practice only to be greeted by my shirtless friend wearing a pink bandana saying, "Man, you hit me hard last night." FML
Today, I found out why my boyfriend gets so upset when I make jokes about him and his best guy friend being lovers. It's because they are. FML
Today, I saw a video of myself filmed last night, hammered, climbing my wardrobe screaming, "I WANT TO GO TO NARNIA" while naked. FML
Today, I was flirting with this guy that had been forced to be my lab partner for class. He was really funny and attractive, too. In the middle of our conversation he said "You're so cute! You remind me of my boyfriend!" FML
Today, I was curious as to whether or not my mom was off of her medication. When I asked her, she pulled a knife on me. Looks like I got my answer. FML
Today, I was at an amusement park with my kids. When we were on the Ferris wheel, I discovered my fear of heights. I hyperventilated, screamed from our seat "LET ME OUT! OH GOD LET ME OUT!!" I also began crying hysterically. They stopped the ride for me to get off. I'm a 45 year old man. FML
Today, I had been working at the checkout for over five hours. Slightly tired while serving a customer, my eye accidentally twitched and I gave him a wink. He smiled and winked back. When I finished work two hours later he was outside, waiting for me, and followed me to my car, still smiling. FML
Today, my co-worker came back from Thailand with big new breasts. She told me to go ahead and touch them because they have a funny texture for the first few months. When our GM entered the room, I had both hands down my co-worker's shirt, agreeing that they were unnaturally firm. FML
Today, I went online to check my credit report. My credit report says that I'm deceased, and have no rating. I'm at least 90% sure that this is not true. FML
Today, I was home alone, and decided to do some naked cleaning just because I could. After half an hour of liberating nakie-dusting, I turn around to see my boyfriend and his best friend gaping at me open mouthed. His older brother however gave a creepy smile and the thumbs up. FML
Today, I found out that if you fall asleep in church, people will think you're having a spiritual moment, and you'll wake up to ten people praying for you. FML
Today, I was on my third date with this really cute girl. After a very romantic evening, I decided to go for the first kiss, but because of my nervous reflex in which I get bloody noses, I ended up bleeding all over her face. FML
Today, I changed my phone number because my old one belonged to a prostitute. My new one belongs to a debtor. FML
Today, I tried on the new dress I bought for myself. I, for once, thought I looked pretty all right. I asked my dog, "How do I look?" and she threw up on my pillow. My brother can't stop laughing. FML
Today, I arrived home to find my cat dead and note saying, "Sorry, I tripped over him." Not only is my cat dead, but I was robbed by a polite thief. FML
Today, my fiancé admitted to me that the only reason he's attracted to me and asked me to marry him is because I look and act like his favorite anime character. FML
Today, I went out to eat with my girlfriend. The waiter came up and was being nice. He said, "What can I get you two gentlemen?" FML
Today, my boyfriend wanted to show me a magic trick. He filled a bowl with wine, pushed it on top of the ceiling using a broom stick, and held it up there. He told me to hold it and left. Taking my hands off the broomstick would cause the bowl to fall on my expensive new suit. Eventually, it did. FML
Today, while driving home, I was so lonely I turned on my GPS, even though I knew the way, so it would feel like I had someone to talk to. It made me feel better. FML
Today, my boyfriend asked me to meet his parents over Christmas. I was ecstatic. But there was one condition: I must go dressed as a girl since he hasn't worked up the nerve to come out to his parents yet. We've been dating for over a year. FML
Today, the highlight of my day was a conversation about Disney, which ranged from Pocahontas lunch boxes to Disneyland Paris. I don't know who was more excited; me, a 20 year-old man, or the 6 year-old girl I was talking to. FML
Today, I'm at work as a security guard. At a morgue. Why am I here? FML
Today, I was taking off my underwear to change into fresh clothes. Pulling them down, I realize there's a big fat spider in them. Not only did I have a spider chilling with my genitals the whole day, but I'm deathly afraid of them. FML
Today, I went to use the public restroom. As I saw the toilet paper was out, I could see there was some hanging down from the other stall. As I went to grab it, I felt a hand grab mine and a voice ask seductively, "What were you reaching for?" FML
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