Mr Single
Today, I woke up in a panic to what sounded like a plane about to crash into my house. I was so scared, I peed myself and passed out. It was just my cell phone vibrating under my pillow. FML
Today, my boyfriend admitted that he pees on the toilet seat just to piss me off. FML
Today, I wrote in my own yearbook with different styles of handwriting so my mom would think I have friends. FML
Today, I was slammed onto my car, thrown on the ground, and arrested for outstanding warrants from 1979. I was born in 1992. FML
Today, my Facebook was hacked. The hacker messaged all my online friends, explaining that "I" was overseas, had run out of money and needed help. Not one person cared enough to respond. I guess the hacker picked the wrong target. FML
Today, my co-worker finally gave me a check for the money he owes me. In the memo line, he wrote "for swallowing". Now I have to go cash it. FML
Today, my husband and I woke up to see my drunk mother passed out on our couch. She was wearing nothing but socks. FML
Today, I got all dressed up to go on a date with a guy. Upon getting to my house to pick me up, he told me he'd forgot to put on mascara, and asked if he could borrow some. FML
Today, my boyfriend said that to be extra careful he's been taking my birth control pills too. FML
Today, I saw a guy with a "free hugs" poster. Since nobody else was hugging him, I decided to. He had a boner. FML
Today, I stepped in a turd. Not a dog turd, my grandmother's turd. FML
Today, my sister confessed to me that she sold some of my old shirts to the girl who's stalking me. This explains why I got a note that read, "I have your scent, now I can track you." FML
Today, my mom said we are having a party for the 4th of July. Her definition of a party is my grandma coming over. FML
Today, I went on a blind date. Right after I arrived there, he excused himself to go to the bathroom. He never came back. FML
Today, I looked out my window to see the sunset, but instead I see my neighbor dancing with strobe lights on and music blasting. He was by himself and had absolutely nothing on. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex in the janitor's closet of the pet store where I work. We were really getting into it when we were rudely interrupted by dozens of salamanders crawling up our legs. I had forgotten to lock the cage before we started. FML
Today, my mom took me to a counselor because of my addiction to watermelon. FML
Today, my family attended the funeral of an old family friend's baby, who died in childbirth. Afterwards, my husband went around snickering and quietly telling dead baby jokes to the other attendees. FML
Today, I decided to pay a surprise visit to my family after I got some work leave. I drove over and knocked on the door, and a young couple answered. Apparently, my entire family decided to move to Texas, and didn't bother to tell me. FML
Today, it's my birthday. I got a phone call from my high school bully, to remind me that he'll always be able to find me and do whatever he wants to me. He does this every year. I turn 34 today. FML
Today, while at the beach, I was mistaken for Snooki. FML
Today, my drunk father chased me down the street with my little brother's light saber screaming, "Come back Yoda! Teach me how to use the force!" FML
Today, I was robbed by a guy wearing a ninja turtle costume. FML
Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. I had only been dating him for about a month. Thinking he wouldn't take it very hard, I invited him over so I could tell him in person. Little did I know he was going to start crying on my couch and not leave for 5 hours. FML
Today, my girlfriend, who is very self conscious about her body, finally decided to have sex with me. She told me to wait a few minutes, so I did. I stripped and turned around to find her in a one-piece swimsuit, with a hole cut out of the crotch. FML
Today, I had to bail my dad out of jail, for beating up my boyfriend, for sleeping with my mom. FML
Today, my mother started dating a man who insists people call him 'Panda'. FML
Today, I awoke to banging at my door. It was my neighbor, accusing me of stealing her mail to spy on her, because apparently she thinks I must be some sort of secret agent. The cops don't believe me when I call, and she won't go away. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me on my Facebook wall. 27 people liked it. FML
Today, I was discussing the traffic with my brother. He said the most common car colour is red. I said it was black. We ended up betting €100 on which three vehicles of either colour would pass by our house first. It seems a convoy of fire trucks had somewhere to be in a hurry. FML
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