Transportation: Today, I woke up in a panic to what sounded like a plane about...

By esoog - 19/05/2011 17:38 - United States

Today, I woke up in a panic to what sounded like a plane about to crash into my house. I was so scared, I peed myself and passed out. It was just my cell phone vibrating under my pillow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 505

You deserved it 48 318

Transportation

Can't do the time? Don't do the crime!

Sounds like a catch

Facebook's moderation sucks

Hold the line

By Anonymous - 06/07/2020 08:02

Today, I discovered that my work's new phone system automatically takes people off hold the very second you pick up the phone. I discovered this after picking up the phone and complaining to my workmates about the annoying customer I had on the line for a full minute, all while he listened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 502

You deserved it 2 447

The climate is whack

By fax4voice3 - 03/03/2021 11:01 - United States - Greenwich

Today, it was an unusually warm day after many weeks of typical subfreezing temperatures, so my family and I went for a walk in the park. We all came back with mosquito bites. FML

I agree, your life sucks 692

You deserved it 187

Let it all out

By Vomitron - 02/04/2021 00:30

Today, I spent an hour and twenty minutes throwing up at a toilet from a shopping mall because I ate rotten food without realizing it. At least during that time I made two new friends, a gay couple who were making out in the next toilet cubicle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 801

You deserved it 76

By Craig - 05/02/2009 20:13 - United States

Today, I was awarding medals to finalists in a school club. While putting one around someones neck, I ended up poking a girl in the eye. She tried to be a trooper by continuing to walk across stage but i guess her eyes got really watery because she missed the step and fell, breaking her ankle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 218

You deserved it 7 959

By MandieL - 30/01/2016 08:56 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I rushed over to stop my infant daughter from falling off her swing. Luckily just before she hit the ground, I woke up. Unfortunately, I woke up because I'd rolled off my bed and hit the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 157

You deserved it 1 787

By blackchin III - 20/06/2014 21:00 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, a fly landed on my face. Before I could even react, my brother "helpfully" punched it hard enough to both kill the fly and knock me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 601

You deserved it 4 661

Is that how it works?

By SecondTimesACharm - 28/02/2021 17:01 - United States - Woodstock

Today, I tested positive for COVID… again. This pandemic has been going on for so long that after 11 months, my natural immunity has apparently worn off. I'm in the next group for the vaccine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 981

You deserved it 148

By coltsfoot - 23/05/2010 09:08 - Norway

Today, while having sex with the guy I have seen for about 3 years, he answered the phone. I found out that he had a girlfriend while he was inside me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 267

You deserved it 7 063

By perfectman - 12/06/2012 10:34 - Australia - Sydney

Today, it was my first time meeting my fiancé's parents. My future mother-in-law had cooked steak, hearing it was my favourite food. I somehow managed to bite my tongue, and then blurt out "F*ck!" just after she asked me how it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 215

You deserved it 8 335

By purpletrout - 30/11/2016 06:39 - United States - Lansing

Today, my energetic 10-month-old decided to stay up four hours past bedtime. After I FINALLY got him to sleep, I tried to go to bed. My husband is now snoring, farting and taking up my side of the bed. I desperately need some sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 340

You deserved it 1 108

By Anonymous - 27/11/2011 11:46 - Denmark

Today, I caught my mother trying to text on her iPhone, with her nipple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 286

You deserved it 3 577

By Anonymous - 24/10/2009 14:58 - Canada

Today, after drunk texting a girl the night before, I sent her a message saying I was sorry for everything I said. All she could say back? "Those were some of the most normal drunk texts I have ever read. I'd hate to see how boring you'd be sober." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 270

You deserved it 7 558

By exchange - 17/12/2009 05:00 - Ireland

Today, I leave Ireland after a 5 month study abroad. Today also happens to be the day that the price of alcohol decreases by 30%, the dollar increases by 15% and the girl I have been chasing the whole time, to no avail, finally decides to show an interest in me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 979

You deserved it 3 031

By ouch - 29/03/2011 03:33 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were playfully arguing about who loved the other more. After about a minute of this, my girlfriend walked over and kicked me in the crotch as hard as she could. She then said, "There, now you don't love me as much. I win." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 565

You deserved it 16 826

By heat pumps suck - 26/01/2017 14:28

Today, since moving to a state with relatively milder winters last year, my heating bill has more than doubled. I am now paying more to keep my new apartment at 62 when it is 20 outside, than what I was paying to keep my ancient apartment at 70 when it was minus 14 outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 875

You deserved it 454

A load of hot air

By SkipBeatOtaku - 16/05/2020 20:00

Today, I was having hot sex with my boyfriend. Then, I felt a puff of air hit my face and a rancid smell. My dog had farted in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 545

You deserved it 635

By catlover - 16/06/2011 16:14 - China

Today, our new cat, which my mum was hesitant about letting us keep because she believes they're diseased, gave us all ringworm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 141

You deserved it 13 491

By Anonymous - 24/11/2013 05:30 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I helped a nice middle-aged lady pick out a sweater. She then opened her changing room door to ask for my opinion. I still don't understand why she had to take everything else off to try on a sweater. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 100

You deserved it 4 853

By storyofmylife - 10/06/2015 02:44 - Canada - Truro

Today, my boyfriend and I were hanging out when he suddenly said, "Do you know who I think is the most beautiful girl in the world?" I prepared myself for a cute compliment, until he showed me a picture of another girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 726

You deserved it 2 765

Yes or No?

By Anonymous - 06/02/2020 18:00

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said yes, but the ring turned out to be quite tight on her finger. She then chewed me out, saying that I can't do anything right, then changed her answer to no. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 804

You deserved it 293

By Anonymous - 15/02/2012 05:18 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I don't understand the bond between him and his stuffed goose. He's 36. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 713

You deserved it 5 832

By Matt - 15/10/2009 23:17 - United States

Today, I realized that choosing to live in the honors dorms was a terrible mistake. Quiet hours start at 6 PM and the only exception is if you are a member of the university marching band, which means you can practice your instrument at anytime in the lounge... located next to my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 058

You deserved it 4 575

Wakey wakey

By zzzzzz - 30/01/2021 07:59

Today, my boyfriend had an appointment he had to wait months for, after he finally agreed to try to figure out what's making him so tired all the time. He slept through it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 749

You deserved it 88

Cheeky!

By Anonymous - 03/08/2014 05:16 - Australia - Perth

Today, at work, an old man was having trouble using his credit card at the checkout. I told him to "just stick it in", and he replied with "I love it when you talk dirty to me." The whole line at the checkout laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 103

You deserved it 23 572

By Nearis - 16/02/2011 01:13 - United States

Today, I received a call from the police about a car accident that I was a witness to. As the only witness who stopped to help, I was remembered by the other cars involved. They're blaming me for the accident. The cops want to talk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 821

You deserved it 2 758

By BEE - 10/10/2009 22:35 - United States

Today, I am in a very long line at the supermarket, gazing about in complete boredom when I spot a lady cradling what appears to be a cute newborn baby. Being enamored of all babies, I get off the line, go over and say "Oh, what a cute little baby!" The lady was holding a coconut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 225

You deserved it 47 403

By kristine29 - 03/02/2010 16:06 - United States

Today, I went for a job interview I scheduled 3 weeks ago. I spent $200 on a new suit to really impress them and practised like crazy every imaginable question they could ask. They already had filled the position 2 weeks ago and forgot to inform me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 330

You deserved it 2 792

By ikungfuyou - 27/12/2011 07:11 - United States

Today, despite being 21 years old and living in my own place, my mom still managed to walk in on me whacking off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 589

You deserved it 10 208

By quinndulgent - 29/11/2015 21:10 - United States - West Bend

Today, due to the incompetence and apathy of my lab partners, I have to write a 12-page lab paper by myself. A 12 page lab paper about radishes. Radishes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 232

You deserved it 1 952

By Anonymous - 15/08/2011 00:25 - United States

Today, while flicking my bean, I was thinking about my boyfriend who moved to California last week. Before I came, I had to stop because I started crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 307

You deserved it 9 997

By sisi9999 - 25/07/2011 04:14 - United States

Today, I learned that I'm allergic to hornets. I also learned that when your mom sprays a hornets' nest, and they come after you, that jumping in the pool doesn't help. They hover and wait for you to surface. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 933

You deserved it 3 565

By csc4lyfe09 - 03/03/2010 00:00 - United States

Today, while at my tutoring job, a middle school kid couldn't find a word in the online dictionary. I told him he could check a regular paperback dictionary. His response was, "That's what you did in your day. That's not what we do in our day." I'm only 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 789

You deserved it 3 183

By Anonymous - 12/01/2014 17:28 - United States - Sharon

Today, I was walking home from a horrible day at work, when some idiot emptied a trashcan on my head from his apartment balcony. He cried "Oh shit!" and apologized because I wasn't his intended target. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 641

You deserved it 3 709

By Anonymous - 09/08/2013 14:22 - Canada - Langley

Today, I let my son take my car out for a spin, since he just got his licence. He didn't make it out of our street before totaling it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 341

You deserved it 15 127

By Anonymous - 21/03/2011 03:34 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was buying a new hockey stick; to test it out he started hitting a ball around the aisle and decided to shoot it back into its bin. Instead the ball hit me dead in the mouth, giving me a fat lip. Instead of consoling me, my boyfriend yelled "GOAL!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 865

You deserved it 6 680

By Anonymous - 10/01/2010 21:50 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She came over to see me one last time. We hugged for minutes and cried; it was a touching moment. Just after she left, I realized my wallet that I had on the table beside us was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 543

You deserved it 4 839

By Anonymous - 10/09/2014 03:16 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend went shopping at Victoria's Secret with me. While she was in the fitting room, her parents walked by and saw me. They don't approve of the store, so I panicked and told them I was considering becoming a woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 533

You deserved it 14 037

By Anonymous - 02/08/2009 01:29 - United States

Today, I planned a surprise birthday party for my boyfriend. I invited all his friend and made all his favorite food. He was running very late, so I called to ask what was taking so long. His response? He said he was at his house, with the very friends I was standing next to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 663

You deserved it 4 066

Food for thought

By that’s what you get - 05/08/2020 17:02

Today, I warned my husband not to eat the seafood he'd left on the counter. He insisted it was fine. He’s now been in the bathroom shitting, puking and wailing for three hours. Our place is tiny and the bathroom is attached to our bedroom. The door doesn’t keep out the noise or the rancid smell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 737

You deserved it 164

By well scrooge you too - 26/12/2015 04:24 - United States - North Myrtle Beach

Today, a customer gave me the dirtiest look ever and muttered "goody two-shoes prick" after I asked if he'd like to donate a few cents to charity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 579

You deserved it 1 809

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Top comments

zmoney314 0

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Thursday 19 May 2011 23:53

wow your a dumbass

KaySL 24

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Friday 20 May 2011 0:22

I could: "Wow, you're a dumbass." See, that wasn't so difficult, was it?

We_Li_Ve_Fr_Ee 0

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Thursday 19 May 2011 23:53

That is one pissed off vibrate.

jcrob 0

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Thursday 19 May 2011 23:58

are you sure u didn't just wet the bed and come up with some elaborate (lame) excuse? I mean what type of phone vibrates and sounds like that... specially muffled by a pillow and mattress ?

KiddNYC1O 20

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Friday 20 May 2011 0:07

Woah, It's Mike Sorentino with Barry Manilow's haircut.^

bravesfan112233 0

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Friday 20 May 2011 0:08

wear diapers next time

abbi96x 0

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Friday 20 May 2011 0:26

You have issues! My phone vibration certainly doesn't replicate a plane crashing into my house.. You just fail.

imacreeper 3

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Friday 20 May 2011 0:52

do you also wake up in the night to go and pee and run as fast you can to your bed when you're done doing your business because you think a demon is behind you too, OP?

Darth_Naru 0

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Friday 20 May 2011 0:55

What kind of phone vibrating sounds like that?!

chuymac 3

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Friday 20 May 2011 1:00

54. hey I do that!!! you got to love the way our bodies work when we are frighten

PurpleRae420 0

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Friday 20 May 2011 3:29

Lmfaoo

MehrunesDagon456 20

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Saturday 20 September 2014 17:06

was it a nokia?

berrygirl2014 0

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Thursday 19 May 2011 23:53

wow...FIRST

zmoney314 0

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Thursday 19 May 2011 23:53

wow your a dumbass

ahole123 0

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Friday 20 May 2011 0:20

Couldn't have put any better myself

KaySL 24

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Friday 20 May 2011 0:22

I could: "Wow, you're a dumbass." See, that wasn't so difficult, was it?

Lapy_fml 0

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Friday 20 May 2011 0:27

Why must so many Fml'ers be such damn Grammar Nazis? If someone doesn't capitalize something, does it really effect you at all?

KaySL 24

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Friday 20 May 2011 0:30

Capitalisation isn't a problem, but not being able to tell the difference between "your" and "you're" is pretty much the epitome of stupidity and deserves to be mocked by the entire community. Please stop sleeping through kindergarten and/or English classes, and maybe such unbelievably poor English will cease to exist. But seriously, since this doesn't "effect" you either, doesn't bitching about my mockery make you a bit of a hypocritical fuck? Discuss.

KiddNYC1O 20

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Friday 20 May 2011 0:44

40- As KaySL hinted, it's "affect". Lol

PoserDisposer 0

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Friday 20 May 2011 0:47

Grammar Nazis FTW.

nate_msm 0

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Friday 20 May 2011 1:07

my grammar is crap but this was rather funny

ILoveSomeFun 0

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Friday 20 May 2011 3:26

affect*

kder0aeon 9

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Thursday 25 July 2013 4:32

I know. I wonder if OP is normally a scary cat. look on the bright side; at least it wasn't a plane about to crash into your home.

yermum6798 7

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Thursday 14 April 2016 17:16

you're*

anon2468 0

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Thursday 19 May 2011 23:53

and it sounded like a plane crashing...? hmm.. that's one powerful vibrate. :P

RockstarRN 10

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Friday 20 May 2011 0:34

I am thinking this is a false statement. I can't imagine it being that loud.

OceanBreathesSal 5

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Friday 20 May 2011 1:18

hey you never know. my old phone's vibrate sounded like a huge ass bug flapping it's wings.

DeadxManxWalking 27

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Friday 20 May 2011 3:18

or close to their ear the vibrate to the bed could sound like it

luvppl 6

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Friday 20 May 2011 3:24

maybe they lied about it being a phone... I'll let your minds think of what else it might be... lol :)

afdude87 6

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Thursday 19 May 2011 23:55

paranoid much? or just live really close to an active runway? lol

manny2 0

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Thursday 19 May 2011 23:56

what kind of ringtone was THAT?

swimchica22 0

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Friday 20 May 2011 0:17

vibrate.....

imacreeper 3

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Friday 20 May 2011 0:47

satisfaction ;)

nate_msm 0

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Friday 20 May 2011 1:09

33 WIN ^^

tbreezy180 0

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Thursday 19 May 2011 23:56

woahh I don't think you should put your phone on vibrate anymore :)

DreaminOfMusic 0

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Thursday 19 May 2011 23:56

wow really? that'd be a much louder situation! but maybe you're just paranoid and crazy. fyl but you kinda deserve ot

babycakess10 0

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Thursday 19 May 2011 23:59

I sleep with my phone on viberate under my pillow every night and it doesn't remotely sound like there's a plane crashing into my house when it vibrates while I'm sleeping..?