kitkatjoy_96

Call the cops

Today, I discovered that my abusive, obsessive, psychotic ex-boyfriend from over two years ago still has a thing for me. How did I find out? Although I've ignored him walking unnecessarily past my house for the past two months, it was hard to ignore when he fell from a tree outside my window. FML

Today, I learned that you should never, ever, under any circumstance, take a laxative and a sleeping pill on the same night. FML

Today, I finally decided to do regular biology rather than honors biology, thinking honors would be too hard. My first day in regular biology, my lab partner asked me whether a rock was alive or not. FML

Today, while getting on the subway, I tripped over the gap between the train and the platform. My flip-flop caught on the edge, and fell into the gap. I had to walk home with one flip-flop. FML

Today, I had to do something that many young technologically-savvy people fear. I had to get on my dad's Facebook for him to delete a rather scandalous photo of his genitals he accidentally uploaded. FML

Kinda sus

Today, my boyfriend informed me that since he's doing a project with a girl in his class and carpooling with her in the morning, she'll be sleeping over at his house. FML

Today, I was at the doctor's getting some skin scraped off the bottom of my foot for some tests. As soon as the doctor grabbed my foot, it tickled and I accidentally kicked him in the face. During this, the blade sliced my foot open. FML

Today, I was painting my mom's house, which so far had taken 12 hours over two days. All of a sudden there was a wind storm. All of the leaves stuck to the wet paint. FML

Today, I found out that our neighbors told almost everyone on our street that I was mentally handicapped. All this time I wasn't sure why they would speak slowly and loudly at me. Now they won't believe me when I tell them I'm a 4.0 GPA student. FML

Today, my best friend threw my football over a wall, so we hopped over to go and get it. Next thing we know, we're both surrounded by men pointing guns in our faces. FML

Today, I was driving my parrot home from the vet. As I was driving home, I decided to let her sit on my shoulder. Something scared her, and she started flapping in my face, causing me to crash my car into a tree. FML

Today, I decided to help the homeless by giving them old clothes and food. In return, they decided to mug me. FML

Today, my brother started a new tradition: sending me pictures of every poop he takes. FML

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to my cat meowing, with her dilated vagina in my face, giving birth to her first litter of kittens. FML

Today, while getting a hernia exam, I accidentally ran my fingers through my doctor's hair. FML

Today, I dropped my handbag into a water-filled gutter. As I was hurriedly fishing out the contents of my bag, I looked up. There was my ex, with the girl he left me for walking past, timed exactly to coincide with me manically scooping up one of many rapidly absorbing tampons. FML

Today, I found out that my dad, thinking it was an advertisement, threw away a letter from the college I applied to. FML

Today, I went to the airport after saying goodbye to my, for some reason, giggling boyfriend. I learnt why he was so cheerful when I opened my purse in front of the guards, only to find pink-furry handcuffs, and a huge dildo. They pretended not to know what it was. FML

Today, I was at my little girl's concert. She plays the clarinet, and in the middle of her solo, her phone started ringing. She decided to stop, check her phone, and continue playing. FML

Today, my fiancée broke off our engagement. For some bizarre reason, she'd hidden a pair of expensive boots and her iPad underneath our ride-on mower. I turned the mower on and destroyed both without realizing it. According to her, the fault is all mine. FML

Today, while sexting my girlfriend, I accidently sent a picture to her father instead of her. He sent back a link to a penis enlargement company's website. FML

Today, my brother got one of those water-vapour cigarettes. I was playing around with it, and my neighbour saw me through the window. She came over to yell at my parents about my "addiction" to marijuana. When my parents told her to get lost, she called the cops and tried to get me arrested. FML

Today, I realized that getting wasted before finals is not a good idea. I sat down in the test hall, reached into my bag for a pencil, and found instead three baby carrots and a spoon. FML

Today, my husband and I came clean to his overbearing parents about our private wedding. It started with them accusing him of making rash decisions, and somehow descended into an argument amongst themselves that ended with his mom deciding to divorce his dad. FML

Today, I confessed my feelings to the guy I've had the biggest crush on. He spent the next ten minutes calling me delusional, said that I know nothing about him, and laughed that "this isn't Twilight, for fuck's sake". All he did when I started crying was pat me on the head and leave. FML

Today, I realized I have erectile dysfunction while drunk, and premature ejaculation while sober. FML

Today, I was going to have sex, so I went to my basement to get my builder bear that I had stuffed my condoms in. The bear was gone. My dad gave it to charity. 5ML

Today, I had to bail my brother out of jail because he started a fight with a guy who didn't like owls. FML

Today, my students all handed in their 1,000 word papers. The assignment was for them to write about a strong, benevolent leader who influenced the world. Around half of the papers were about Hitler. FML

Today, the only thing I got for my birthday was my boyfriend's offer to give me "the gift of anal". FML