Today, it was the début of the high school musical I was in. When two others and I sang the word "Hell", my mother yelled at us for using that language, while the musical was still going, and dragged me off stage. FML
Today, I got a call from my long distance girlfriend. She's about a month pregnant. I haven't seen her in person for six months, but she still insists it's mine. I don't know which would be worse: her lying or her being that stupid. FML
Today, my bird learned to mimic my fire alarm. It proved it to me at 3 am. FML
Today, I was taking a crap in a public stall when three kids broke down the door and pelted me with eggs. FML
Today, I awoke to make-up all over my face and nail polish on my hands and feet because my daughter wanted "daddy to look pretty." I have a job interview in an hour and none of it is coming off. FML
Today, I blacked out going up a roller coaster. Instead of helping me, my friend took pictures of my face and posted them on Facebook. FML
Today, in the subway, a man ran up to me, grabbed me, and starting hugging me. He wouldn't stop hugging me, and his grip was too tight. I don't know what's worst, basically being harassed, or not being able to remember the last time I was hugged. FML
Today, I was called by my son's school to pick him up. Apparently, he snorted baking soda, crushed aspirin, and flour because he thought it was coke. Where did I go wrong raising this twerp? FML
Today, in the early hours of the morning, my cat started scratching at my legs. I got out of bed and he raced me to the stairs, tripping me. I fell all the way down and landed in cat poop. FML
Today, while making love to my wife, I let slip her sister's name. I don't think it would calm her down much if I told the truth: I was actually thinking of an ex girlfriend who shares the same name. FML
Today, I started petting my cousin's Doberman. Now, whenever I stop he growls menacingly. FML
Today, I had a parent-teacher conference with my 8 year old son. He'd written "Chuck Norris" as the answer for every question on his test. FML
Today, I threw a surprise birthday party for my 3 year old. There was music, snacks and lots of toys. My 3 year old is a cat. FML
Today, I was at Walmart with my mom when a guy next to me let out a series of vicious farts. Assuming it was me, my mom chewed me out in front of the guy and made me apologize. The man looked at my mom and said, "Children, they're so immature." FML
Today, my family went to Seaworld. When we got there, my dad sarcastically told me not to get lost, because I might get mistaken for Shamu. FML
Today, I woke up face-down in my grandfather's driveway, soaking wet with no pants, glitter in my hair, and holding an empty Skippy peanut butter jar. No one will tell me what happened. FML
Today, I sent my boyfriend a well thought out, steamy, and sexy sext message. His reply? "Three bidders for my drums on eBay! Makiiin' Monaaaay!" FML
Today, my toilet decided it wouldn't take any more shit from me, and flooded the bathroom. FML
Today, after eighteen years of living with my adoptive parents, I met my biological mum for the first time. She's a forty year old, 300lb American woman who wears 'Twilight' t-shirts and will be spending the rest of her visit to the UK trying to find Robert Pattinson. She says I remind her of herself. FML
Today, my girlfriend made me watch six hours of "Glee" with her. I don't know what I hate the most, the fact that I actually sat there and watched it or that I'm angry at Finn for breaking up with Rachel. FML
Today, I told my kids that our family dog was getting too fat and we should give him a little less food. My youngest daughter whispered to her sister, "Mommy's fat and we still give her food." FML
Today, as I was standing in the checkout line in a store, my six year-old daughter proudly announced to everyone that I fell asleep on the toilet last night. FML
Today, I received a visit from a social worker. My son told his teacher I was starving him, all because I refused to let him eat pizza and ice cream for breakfast. FML
Today, while I was walking home, I noticed an elderly man in a wheel chair trying to paint his garage so I went over to help. His response was verbal abuse and a slap to the face with a wet paint brush. FML
Today, I found out that whenever I send my son to his room, he goes on his iPod and buys the most expensive apps he can find. So far I've been charged $600. FML
Today, I turned in an essay after staying up late to work on it. I was away when the teacher assigned it, so I'd asked my friend what the subject was. It transpires that she'd given me the wrong one, all because she was mad at me for not returning her pencil. FML
Today, my dad came to my graduate art show wearing a t-shirt saying "My other daughter is a science major". He'd had it specially made. FML
Today, I inexplicably claimed ownership of someone else's fart in the subway. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me I looked pretty. I said, "Aww, that's the first time you've said that to me." He replied, "Well, it's the first time you've looked pretty." FML
Today, I found out my mom intentionally puts extra butter and oil in the food she cooks for me because she wants me to be fatter than her. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
