Miss 30 years-old
Today, I looked over my next homework assignment for art class. It was to draw a portrait of my best friend. I can't think of anyone besides my mother. FML
Today, I couldn’t have a conversation with my fiancé unless it was about Dragon Ball Z. FML
Today, while my boyfriend and I were watching TV, I asked him if he loved me. He turned up the volume. FML
Today, I dolled myself up and hit the campus gym, hoping to leave with a cute boy's number. I left in a stretcher. FML
Today, I told my girlfriend of two years that I love her. She replied, "Um, I don't mean to be rude, but can you just shut up?" FML
Today, I got asked out for the second time in my life. Since my first date didn't go so well I thought I might have better luck with a different guy. I had to end the date when he confessed it was his destiny to kill his father. FML
Today, my 18-year old son decided to run his hand over our wooden fence to try and get a splinter, as he "forgot what they felt like." Last month, he stabbed himself in the arm with a sewing needle because he "forgot what an injection feels like." I raised this idiot. FML
Today, I saw a picture of my creepy uncle and me on Facebook, which he had captioned "Me and my woman," and posted several lewd comments on. I guess he forgot I'm his friend on Facebook. FML
Today, during a slow dance, my date wrapped his arms around my waist. Right as I touched his neck he says, "Sorry, I'm slightly sweaty." He wasn't lying. For the longest two minutes of my life I was swimming in his sweat. FML
Today, I was very cold and tired, so I took a shower to warm up and went to bed. The minute I hopped into bed, it collapsed and broke. I have spent half-an-hour rearranging furniture to get the mattress on to the floor. Now I'm cold again. FML
Today, I panicked when I saw a spider on my shoulder from the corner of my eye. It was a birthmark. The same one that has been there for the last 23 years. FML
Today, I got a migraine. I work in an arcade with lots of bright lights, loud noises and screaming children. I was stuck in there for 7 hours. FML
Today, after having been told that I looked horrible for the last five months, I decided to give myself a make-over. As soon as the make-up artist was done, I told her I didn't like it, and that I still didn't like how I look. She simply replied: ''Well, I'm a make-up artist, not a magician!'' FML
Today, I tried to be kind to animals and get my dad to buy cage-free eggs. When I told him it was dollar more, he started yelling and making a scene in the middle of the store, saying that chickens are ugly and they deserve to suffer. FML
Today, my friend thought it would be funny to announce to the class that I finally got a girlfriend. I received a standing ovation. FML
Today, I was browsing the web on my boyfriend's laptop, when I idly clicked a bookmark. It turned out to be his private blog, where he most recently spoke in very creepy detail about his efforts to make me love him, remarking that, "Soon, I'll plant my seed in her breeding hips." FML
Today, I couldn't find my hairbrush anywhere; I ended up having to brush my hair with a fork. FML
Today, I had so much to do, I didn't know where to start. So I didn't. FML
Today, I walked in on my mother stroking my cat and murmuring, "Don't worry, kitty. One day, you and I... we will rule." FML
Today, my boss became obsessed with a movie about a pimp. He now refers to all my female coworkers as his "bitches" and refuses to treat us like human beings. Whenever we make a mistake, he rolls his eyes and laughs, "So typical of a prostie." FML
Today, I got a lecture about being lazy and not being active enough for my age, which ended with, "When I was your age, I was out every night having sex with anything that breathed." Thanks Gran. FML
Today, during the early hours, I got hungry and went to grab something to eat. I entered the kitchen, only to see my stark-naked dad sitting at the table, eating cereal and reading the paper. He just nodded at me and said, "Son." I think I need a new pair of eyes. FML
Today, I woke up to the sight of my boyfriend playing a game on my iPhone with his penis. FML
Today, I went to take my driver's test, and I did almost everything perfectly. The last thing was to back into a driveway. As I went to put my hand on the passenger seat to look over my shoulder, I got so nervous that I hit my instructor in the face. FML
Today, I was chatting to a co-worker, upon whom I have a serious crush. It was going really well, until he said "irregardless", as if it's actually a proper word. This grammatical abomination really ticks me off, and I actually had to fight back the urge to beat some damn sense into him. FML
Today, my psychiatrist asked me if I felt bad about my weight. When I said no, he looked surprised and said, "Why not?" FML
Today, I found out that my wife and two teenage daughters' periods are all one week after the other. I am living in hell almost every single day. FML
Today, I went out of town with my mother-in-law. I don't know what possessed her to start questioning me about her son's and my sex life. When I told her I wasn't talking about that, she began to discuss her and my father-in-law's bedroom habits. The car ride was two hours. FML
Today, I went to see my dermatologist friend for a free consultation on my terrible acne. During my visit, she said I probably won't be getting any more pimples. Excited, I asked her how she could tell. She replied, "There's no more room for it." FML
Today, I'm driving cross-country with my parents. As if the stifling heat isn't bad enough, they keep stopping to admire, comment on, and practically do a photoshoot in every corn field we pass. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
