Today, I researched how to manage chronic tailbone pain from excessive sitting. One of the most consistent pieces of advice was to lean forward when working. My posture is already so bad, my chiropractor says I'm one of his worst clients of all time. I work a desk job. FML
Today, did anyone else spent the last moments of 2021 shitting their brains out on a toilet? FML
Today, I was bored at my office, so I started flicking my pencils at my door. My boss walked in right then to give me a raise for my "outstanding" work. She scared me so much when she walked in that I flicked a pencil right at her face. FML
Today, I woke up from another nightmare, this time drowning in a rogue wave. I could feel the water and rain. I could feel myself gasping for air as I don't know how to swim, and can barely float. I'm scared if I die in my sleep, I die for real. FML
Today, it’s the third anniversary of me not being able to finish a single sentence when speaking in person. FML
Today, someone stole the catalytic converter off my SUV, as well as multiple tires stacked next to it. FML
Today, my mom had been in a really bad mood. She got in the car to take me to work, and without thinking, started backing up. The garage door was only half open, and now has a huge dent in it. FML
Today, I pulled a groin muscle. While cleaning the cat litter box. The last time this happened, I was playing high school football. 40 years ago. FML
Today, I tried to cook a nice meal for my sister's friends. It turned out perfect and they enjoyed it, while I was in the bathroom throwing up for two hours due to food poisoning. FML
Today, my brother paid the DJ $300 to ruin my wedding by playing the Imperial Death March as I walked down the aisle. FML
Today, it's my birthday, and like every other Sunday, my wife's been called into work, and I'm left with our three toddlers and yesterday's mess to clean up. It's raining. FML
Today, my mom called me an auntie, as in a "fun aunt that nieces and nephews love to spend time with, but would be a complete disaster as a real mom, in no way, shape or form fit to actually raise a child responsibly." Dad agreed. So did my boyfriend. FML
Today, I’ve been asking both my health insurance and the clinic in question under which circumstances an elective procedure would be covered by insurance. Each one of them tells me that the other has to make the decision. FML
Today, my girlfriend confessed to me that she actually has three kids, so if we marry I’ll be a "step-daddy." We’ve only been dating for four weeks and she’s already talking marriage and some other dude's kids. I was out of the door so fast. Four weeks wasted. FML
Today, I found out that I didn't get a job I really wanted, despite doing well on third round interviews (3 hours with 6 people), and having a good connection with the person I would've reported to. Now I'm upset and dropping the ball on emailing interviewers for the other good leads I have. FML
Today, thanks to my son's inability to keep his trap shut, and natural ability to piss everybody off, our landlord is now not renewing our lease at the end of the month, and went out of his way to let me know it is all my son's fault, and he can’t wait to personally kick us both into the street. FML
Today, my bank sent me a message, saying that they'd disabled my account. To reactivate it, I need the account number, and I can't find it. FML
Today, my wife has been grumpy all day, because she decided to get herself worked up over an argument we had and then peacefully settled three months ago. Like she suddenly gets to reopen the argument for no reason. I’m refusing to continue the argument on principle, hence her grumpiness. FML
Today, I went with my son to a conference about sexual education at his high school. I guess it was all too late, because among the attendees I saw three girls from the same high school who were already pregnant. They aren't even 18. FML
Today, I found out that my childhood vacation home was on sale for 149K. We sold it for 99K 9 months ago. FML
Today, I caught a grubby, evil-smelling, foul-mouthed woman blatantly shoplifting by stuffing electronics into her coat pockets, so I detained her and called the police. Less than an hour later I was fired. She was the shop owner's mother and “had permission” to just take stuff. FML
Today, I bombed a job interview after preparing overnight for it. It was literally my only opportunity to survive during this era of layoffs and hiring freezes, but I totally fudged it. I fucked it so hard that I can't feel my genitals. FML
Today, it’s the fifth day in a row that my mom has vacuumed right outside my room, from 5 to 11 AM. Despite this, I still can’t fall asleep before midnight. FML
Today, my roommate eavesdropped on me singing. When I realized he was there, he said I was "fucking incredible" and asked me to do another song. There's just one issue: I only sing well when I'm alone. The result was predictably bad. If it was possible to literally die of embarrassment, I wouldn't be writing this. FML
Today, I got a concussion when banging my head. I got extremely nauseous and nearly passed out. The emergency doctor gave me anti-nausea pills. The top three side effects are headache, dizziness and drowsiness. I have no idea if they're working. FML
Today, I proudly announced to my mother that I would cut down on sugar. Without missing a beat, her response was, “Out. You need to cut it out.” FML
Today, I found out that I have a heart disease. When I went to tell my family, they all said that it should kill me faster so that I can donate my organs to my cousin. FML
Today, I discovered the guy I like will be working with me in PE for the school year. He’s straight. I’m awkward. FML
Today, I found some nice shirts on sale. As the prices were only valid for a few more days, I ordered them quickly. They didn’t lie about the prices changing, they just didn't mention that everything would actually be even cheaper than it was. FML
Today, I boarded my very first cruise, in order to relax and unwind for week-long vacation. However, when I got on the ship, I found out that I get seasick REALLY easily. FML
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