By m…… - 9/4/2021 21:30

Social anxiety sucks

Today, it’s the third anniversary of me not being able to finish a single sentence when speaking in person. FML

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717

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There's no helping some people

Panic

Family issues

By bookworm94 - United States

Today, my immature dad said I am a girl not a woman, so my witty response was ''I have a period, I'm pretty sure that makes me a woman.'' My dad stole my phone and sent a text to everyone in my address book, quoting me. Including the guy I like. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I got home from work to find my house covered in graffiti dicks, the windows smashed, the front lawn entirely ripped up, and my letter box containing dog shit. I also found a note taped to the door saying, "Suck on this Darren". Darren is my next door neighbor. FML

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By :'( - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was let go from my dream job for requesting Photoshop as well as Illustrator. I was hired to create marketing materials. Guess I should have just used Paint. FML

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By Username

Today, I learned that my 29-year-old boyfriend won't stay the night at my house because he lives at home with his parents and doesn't want to have "the discussion" with his mom about me. FML

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1753

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By Valedict-oops

Today, I walked at my graduation ceremony, proudly wearing my valedictorian cords. It turns out that, after some confusion on behalf of the student services office, I was neither valedictorian nor salutatorian (by 0.2 points). I'm dating the actual valedictorian. FML

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By no i'm sure you're a responsible parent - United States

Parent #1 of the Year

Today, I got bitched out by some lady in a Walmart because I looked at her funny while she was on the phone, loudly bragging about "slapping the shit out of" her kids. FML

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1542

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By fuck you, bitchcake - Canada - Dartmouth

Today, at the movies, some asswipe kept throwing candy at me. After 20 minutes of it, I got up and went over to get him to stop. Good news: his balls vanished faster than a politician's spine immediately after being elected. Bad news: I got kicked out for "starting a disturbance". FML

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41223

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By ADanceWithDavos - United Kingdom

Freaked out

Today, I woke up to an old lady right outside my open window, saying "Hello in there! Are you sleepy?" I was so startled that I answered her. She screamed. Turns out she's my neighbour's elderly mother, didn't know I was in there, and was talking to my cat. FML

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By Unwanted - United States - Fallbrook

Today, I was fired from my job. My boss turned to everyone and said, "Allow me to escort this trash out of the office." Everyone cheered. FML

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By Celeste - Singapore

Today, I fell asleep in a taxi. So did the taxi driver. FML

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35532

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By notmyfault - United States - Bloomington

Today, I found out why this crazy bitch slashed the tires of my car to prevent me from going to my exam. It's because I'm supposedly the curve setter for the class and she wants to get into medical school without me fucking it up for her. FML

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26426

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By poohanne - United States - Ville Platte

Today, my mom made up a new game. She thinks it's hilarious to hide my brother's creepy Batman toy around the house to creep me out. This has been going on for hours and I still scream every time. FML

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By anonymous - Canada

Today, my parents told me I was adopted. I can understand parents waiting for a child to be old enough to understand, but I'm 33 years old. FML

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By blind - South Africa

Today, I was texting a friend of mine. She mentioned it was her dad's birthday. I typed "Tell him Happy Birthday for me!" and as I pressed send I remember her dad was dead. FML

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24359

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By 2234 - United States

Today, I was tossing my car keys into the air and catching them. I threw them up really high, only to have them land in the branches of the palm tree outside my door, at the very top. FML

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By doggone - United States - King Of Prussia

Today, I walked in on my new puppy peeing on the carpet. The trainer had told me to punish her when she's bad by shaking a metal can of pennies at her, since the noise scares dogs. I shook it at her, and she responded by having explosive diarrhea all over the carpet in fright. FML

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By whovian221b - United States

Today, after coming home from the hospital after I fractured my foot, I fell in the bathroom and dislocated my wrist. The ER doctor couldn't stop laughing. FML

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25840

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By Anonymous - United States - Huron

Today, I found out I and a coworker may get laid off soon, all because my boss's niece told him she can do both our jobs all by herself, and for less money. FML

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13534

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By Peggy Peggerson - 9/10/2020 02:03 - United States

It's the new craze!

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I’d feel comfortable pegging him. I had no idea what that meant, so I had to look it up. I tried to keep an open mind but it was just too far outside my comfort zone. Now he’s sulking and complaining about me being a prude. FML

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1078

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2021 08:01

Traditions suck

Today, I found out the girl who ghosted me a month ago is engaged. Not only is she engaged, but she is in an arranged marriage. And not only is she going to be married, but she still has feelings for me. FML

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787

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By tsardaukar - United States

Today, bouncing at a local bar. I I.D.'d a girl with a group of people. I told her that next time she used a fake I.D., she at least should get one with a picture that looked like her. She started crying and ran off. A guy told me that she had been in a car wreck, and had been badly disfigured. FML

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57462

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By Unknown - United States

Today, in art class, I tried to attract my crush's attention by slowly sitting down in front of him. Too bad I missed the chair and fell onto the floor. FML

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By TSampson - United States

Today, my mom's will was read to the rest of the family. I helped my mom write it a couple years ago, and I was to get funds to pay off school loans. She revised it and put in a note saying I was to get nothing because I was "lazy." The executor read it out loud. FML

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By brad3720 - United States

Today, I was working as a manager of the local movie theater. This six year old came in with no parents or anyone else. When I asked him where his parents were he looked at me and said, "Shut up white boy, I don't have to listen to your shit." I just got told by a six year old. FML

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By deewe - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, I planned to go on a date with a man I met online. He came to my apartment to pick me up, and I told him I'd be right out as I grabbed my purse. When I got outside, he was gone. FML

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By Somessedup - United States

Today, my boss asked to use my phone since the company pays for it. A few hours later the same boss called me into his office to fire me. Apparently the company checks the phone records and found a call made on my cell to a sex line. My boss made that call and just fired me. FML

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By Anonymous

Stir crazy, part 16

Today, my wife was so sick of being isolated with the kids while I, a key worker, got to "escape" to work everyday, that she locked herself in our room and got completely trashed on my cider, meaning I had to stay at home with the kids instead of helping my elderly patients. FML

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2079

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By FakeID - United States

Today, I was pulled over for speeding. When the police officer approached me and asked for license and registration, I accidentally gave him my fake I.D. FML

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19395

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By randomusername99 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I got a new dentist. You know how most dentists play soft, relaxing music? Well this guy seems to like rap a lot, and it's kinda hard getting your teeth cleaned to the sound of bullets going off. FML

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43575

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By secretagentsam00

Thug life

Today, I found out my dog is a felon. He broke into a neighbor's house by breaking in through the screen door. He also vandalized their property by shitting on their carpet. Our neighbors are now considering suing us. FML

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1523

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2021 14:01 - United States - Pittsburgh

Cabin fever

Today, the only thing more unbearable than lockdown is lockdown with sloppy roommates, who do nothing but complain about each other behind their backs to me, and also bring up past events like a broken record. FML

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716

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By Anonymous - United States - Oakland

Today, my drinking problem became apparent when my daughter asked for a glass of juice, and I instinctively poured a large glass of scotch instead. FML

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By JN5SLK - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I walked into my dorm room, only to witness my roommate shaving her vag over my trashcan. FML

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By FML136969 - United States - Oxford

Today, I tried channeling Mr. Miyagi by catching a fly with my bare hands. It turned out to be a wasp. FML

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22733

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By CallMeMrFunny

Today, I mentioned to my parents that Sunday is going to be awesome because it's Christmas. They responded with "Wait, this Sunday? In 3 days?!" Apparently they forgot. FML

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7352

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By YouWish - United States - Mount Pleasant

Today, on my way to work, I was checking my hair in the semi-reflective window of an office building. I suddenly realized that the guy I had a one-night stand with last week was standing on the other side, looking confused. He now genuinely believes that I am stalking him. FML

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By catfish - United States

Today, after class I was chatting with my teacher, a really cool and stylish old black guy. I tell him he reminds me of one of those soul dudes from those 70s movies, right down to the pimp-walk. He tells me he walks that way because he was beaten for drinking out of the wrong fountain as a kid. FML

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By broke

Today, just like the past 2 weeks, I'm so broke that I only got to eat dinner because I went on a first date with a guy from Tinder. FML

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By WasZumTeufel? - Germany - Kabel

Today, my boyfriend took me to his house and introduced me to his parents. He also showed me around his bedroom. I think he forgot to remove the dartboard on his wall, taped to which was a swiss-cheesed printout of one of my Facebook photos. FML

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36452

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By fire starter - United States - San Francisco

Today, I tried to vacuum to surprise my mom with a clean house. The vacuum started shorting out, sparked, and then burst into flames mid living room. FML

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27038

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Top comments

By Danielle Zion Gadsden | 15

#7985170 - Friday 9 April 2021 22:03

tell us more

By Frau_V | 3

#7985185 - Friday 9 April 2021 23:16

I have a very similar problem - I'm an outgoing person, but since a few months I just can't talk a clear sentence. I feel you. Feel loved!

COMMENTS

By Danielle Zion Gadsden | 15

#7985170 - Friday 9 April 2021 22:03

tell us more

By Frau_V | 3

#7985185 - Friday 9 April 2021 23:16

I have a very similar problem - I'm an outgoing person, but since a few months I just can't talk a clear sentence. I feel you. Feel loved!