Today, my wife kicked me out because I had a vasectomy behind her back. I'm 45 and we have five kids, three of whom have already left the nest. FML
Today, same as every morning recently, a neighbour's tabby cat showed up on my balcony. We've developed a routine where I say hello and he sits nearby for a few minutes. During the day, I learned it belongs to the woman I've been awkwardly avoiding in the elevator for two years. The cat likes me more than its owner does. FML
Today, just a week after replacing my car's head gasket in a 7-hour job, my car's timing desynced. Fixing it could take 6 hours. Maybe I should just walk everywhere from now on. FML
Today, I was reminded that I'd submitted a short story to a writing competition months ago when I got an email saying I'd won second place. I excitedly forwarded it to friends and family. A few minutes later, another email arrived, explaining they'd contacted the wrong person. My celebration lasted exactly eleven minutes. FML
Today, I had the supreme mega ultra final bosses of Karens. I knew I was cooked when they approached my brunch bar. I didn’t ID them because they were all very obviously 35+. They took immense offense to this and demanded to speak to my manager. They told on me for doing my job. FML
Today, I went on a date at a museum, I thought it would be low-pressure. It was going well until I leaned in to read a plaque, tripped, and nearly took down a rope barrier. My date caught me by the arm, asked if I was OK, then spent the next 10 minutes pretending not to notice I'd knocked over a gift shop display with my backpack. FML
Today, I was at a wedding. The ceremony was beautiful, right up until the ring bearer tripped. The rings were fine. However, the emergency chocolate bar I'd hidden in my suit pocket for later flew out and landed in front of the bride and groom. Some wedding photos now feature a chocolate bar in the center aisle. FML
Today, a quiet afternoon at the library turned stressful when my phone started blasting music. Every attempt to silence it somehow increased the volume. After seconds of panic, I realised the sound wasn't coming from my phone. It was a kid's toy buried somewhere in my backpack after a visit from my niece. The reading room people still glared at me like I did it on purpose. FML
Today, I finally got an interview with my dream company. Everything went perfectly until the interviewer asked if I had any questions. I tried to say, "What do you enjoy most about working here?" Instead, I somehow asked, "Why do you still work here?" FML
Today, I got home and went to hug and kiss my wife. She actively dodged me and gave me a list of nine things she wanted fixed around the house while she was out with her sister. I’m writing this from a pub garden, surrounded by people who actually enjoy my company. Fuck her list. FML
Today, my flight landed after a 12-hour trip, and I walked out of the airport without checking a single bag. Twenty minutes into my drive home, the airline called asking why I'd left my passport at immigration. FML
Today, my wife's friend's husband broke the unwritten "man rule" of not being TOO good of a husband. He turned over a new leaf and started really busting his ass, so his wife bragged on him to my wife, and now she's sulking and refusing sex. FML
Today, I found a mysterious button under my desk at work and pressed it out of curiosity. It was the emergency panic alarm. Within five minutes, security, my manager, and then two confused police officers were asking if I was OK. I just wanted to know what the button did. FML
Today, I’ve been in mama bear mode, fiercely defending my 20 year-old son against several slanderous paternity claims. Good news; one test came back negative. Bad news; five others came back positive. Now none of the girls wants me to see my grandchildren because I sided with my boy. FML
Today, as I was running late for work, I asked my husband to pack me some hard boiled eggs for lunch. When I went on my lunch break, I went to crack my eggs only to discover they were completely raw. When confronted, my husband said, “Well you didn’t say I had to cook them first!” FML
Today, I bought noise-canceling headphones to block out distractions while working from home. They worked so well that I missed the doorbell, three phone calls, and a fire drill in my building. FML
Today, my hopefully soon-to-be ex husband refuses to get an annulment. His female best friend, who’s been in the picture for years, rage quit our wedding and she blocked him on everything. He’s fallen into a depressed state. When we consummated our marriage he was a like zombie. He still claims he “loves me.” FML
Today, on my second shift at my job, I was fired for “ruining the communication of coworkers” AKA I don’t speak Spanish. This was known before I was hired and I live in California. FML
Today, I swear to Christ my kid has a sixth sense. He's normally chill and well behaved, but every single time my wife and I have a moment and things start heating up a little, he either starts crying or throws a tantrum over nothing and kills the mood. FML
Today, my husband introduced me to an old high school friend of his. He's always told me the guy is the opposite of himself and to keep expectations low. I opened the door to a drop dead gorgeous man, sweet, with an excellent job, car, and great sense of humour. Instant crush. FML
Today, my pulmonologist dropped me as a patient. She kept insisting that my weight was the problem, so I put in the work and lost 60 pounds. My lungs are even worse now than they were when I was obese. So instead of admitting she was wrong and helping me figure out the real issue, she just won't see me anymore. FML
Today, I set ten alarms for an important appointment and still woke up convinced I’d missed it. I spent the morning panicking for no reason and showed up looking exactly how I felt. FML
Today, for some unknown reason, I called my boss "Mum" at the end of a meeting. She paused, smiled, and said, "Aww, love you too, kiddo." The rest of the team in the room lost it. FML
Today, I realized I hate my wife with a fiery passion. I honestly don’t even care. FML
Today, I went to the dentist, telling him proudly that I had flossed for two straight weeks. The dentist told me that flossing wouldn't undo “Whatever happened back there.” FML
Today, my husband and I are here on holiday in Rome, Italy. We both made chit-chat to an older couple who are staying at the same hotel as us. They've tried to spend everyday with us, even going to the same cafes and museums, where we are. We now try and avoid them; we end up hiding. We're here for another week. FML
Today, everyone says I'm being too hard on my son, who I disowned and went no contact with after he cleaned out all of my late wife's belongings without asking. I have nothing, literally nothing left of her now. FML
Today, I wish I'd been a whole hell of a lot sluttier and more adventurous in my 20s. Nowadays my libido has me ready to burst, but my partner not so much. I miss feeling wanted and just letting myself get lost in my own pleasure. FML
Today, my dog started barking during a work video call. I picked him up to prove he was harmless. He immediately sneezed directly into my face, then licked my mouth. My microphone was still on, and everyone heard me yell, “WHY?” FML
Today, I locked myself out while taking the trash downstairs. I was wearing pajamas, slippers, and a winter coat over nothing else. My neighbor offered to help, then spent ten minutes trying not to laugh while I explained that my keys were sitting on the kitchen counter. FML
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