Today, I found my little brother breathing heavily and asked him what he was doing. He looked at me intensely and said "Breathing in all the oxygen so you can't have any and die." 5ML
Today, I spent hours making an elaborate bird feeder for my backyard. It was finally ready, and I proudly hung it up, imagining the birds chirping happily. Instead, a squirrel discovered it within minutes, devoured all the birdseed, and then gave me a smug look before knocking the feeder to the ground. FML
Today, I had to take my life into my hands and tell my wife that when she was yelling at me earlier, she was yelling at me in her own language, which I’m still not fluent in, so whatever it was that upset her, I still haven’t fixed it because I didn’t understand the instructions. FML
That's amore...
Today, I discovered everyone at work refers to me as 'The Man-Lady'. I work in a supermarket's beauty department. FML
Today, I found out my deceased grandmother never liked anything that I bought for her. She would never say anything to not hurt my feelings. The only reason I bought those things in the first place was because growing up she told me that she liked them. Now that she's gone, I'm hearing what she really thought. FML
Today, I was walking to my friends Halloween themed birthday party in my zombie costume. Apparently, my crazy coke addicted neighbor found the costume too realistic. He tackled me. FML
Today, I was running late for a job interview so I took what I thought was a shortcut through an dank alleyway. I ended up getting chased by a pack of stray cats and arrived at the interview covered in scratches and cat hair. FML
Today, I was rushing with the dishes when I scraped against a very sharp knife, which left a noticeable cut right down my wrist. No one believes my story that it was a freak kitchen accident, they think that I’m either an attention seeking fucknut, or crying out for help. FML
Pokémon GO got weird...
He's doing his best!
If only this could last forever...
Today, while I was working, my friend stopped by and visited with me a moment. After she left, my client asked me if she was my daughter. My friend is 32 and I'm 27. FML
Today, I had a Zoom meeting. I tried being professional by setting a virtual office background, but during the meeting my computer glitched and revealed my real background: a pile of dirty laundry and a jug of Arizona Tea. My boss couldn’t stop laughing because he thought the jug was a jug of piss. FML
Today, I tried to make a dramatic exit after arguing with my flatmate. I slammed the door, but the handle broke, and I had to ask him for help to fix it. FML
Today, I tried to surprise my boyfriend by jumping into his arms. He panicked, stepped aside, and I crashed into the couch. FML
Today, I pulled an all-nighter to finish an essay. I submitted it one minute before the deadline. Later, I opened the file to double-check and realized I'd uploaded my rough draft, containing notes like “THIS PART MAKES NO SENSE, FIX LATER.” The professor then replied, “I agree with your assessments.” FML
Today, I was FaceTiming with my mum when she interrupted me to ask who 'the man behind me' was. I live alone, so I had a bit of a jump scare moment. She was so proud of her 'hilarious' prank, her laugh still haunts me. FML
Today, I was working as a caterer at a wedding when I congratulated the bride’s mom, saying, "You must be so proud of your daughter!" She responded, "I’m the bride." FML
Today, halfway through assembling a toy kitchen for a birthday, I realized the instructions made no sense and half the screws looked identical. I still somehow finished it and felt triumphant until the kid opened the oven door, the whole thing tipped sideways, and I had to spend the rest of the party holding it together with one hand. FML
Today, I was so tired that I thought the item I'd ordered a few months ago had been delivered then stolen, so I emailed the company about it. When I checked back on the website, I realized it hadn't actually been delivered yet and I read the invoice wrong. FML
Today, I was nervously observing a delicate medical procedure while training at my new job. I tried to stifle a sneeze and instead (as you can probably guess) ripped the biggest, most cartoonishly loud fart of my life. My ass sounded like a tuba and I was asked to leave the room. FML
Today, an attractive coworker complimented my cologne in the elevator, so naturally I tried to respond smoothly. Instead of saying, “Thanks, it’s new” I somehow combined two thoughts and blurted out, “Thanks, I’m sweating.” We rode the remaining twelve floors in intense silence. FML
Today, some whiny new employee had management get me sanctioned, and disposed of my anatomy skeleton. I brought him for Halloween, and he's been literally hanging there since 2023. We, including the even-higher-ups, thought it would be funny to dress him every month, such as Cupid in February or Santa in December. FML
Today, the elevator at work was taking forever so I decided to make a change and take the stairs instead. I slipped on the second step and spent the next few minutes laying there as people asked if I was OK. My pride is bruised… as well as my ass. FML
Today, after spending 40 minutes on the phone with an IRS agent to change my address, and after she asked me how to spell Reno, then she put Reno as a state. and Nevada as a city. She’s not able to help me because my address does not exist and now I have to send in the paper form. FML
Today, as I was sitting at a bus stop, I spilled Pepsi on my shirt while texting my friend about how clumsy people are, after seeing someone walk into a trash can. Irony isn’t dead, but my dignity is. FML
Today, I sneezed while getting my keys from my pocket on the way to my front door, dropped them into a storm drain, and then had to explain to my landlord that my reason for needing the spare key was "seasonal allergies." FML
Today, I tested positive for Influenza A. I’m either sweating bullets or shivering cold, coughing my ass off, sneezing constantly, snotting out my eyeballs, and aching all over. To top it off it’s hot and stormy, flooding in part of town with 100% humidity, and the power just cut out. FML
Today, I found out that I have mice because my landlady got rid of the community cats that were keeping them outside, and apparently my cats aren't taking care of them. I found out when I turned on my oven and my apartment was filled with an awful smell that turned out to be burning mouse crap. FML
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