Today, my hearing aids got wet because i was caught in the middle of a thunderstorm. So they stopped working. I didn’t hear this morning's alarm because I can’t hear the alarm without my hearing aids. FML
Don't hate me please!
Today, I awoke after 4 hours of surgery. The male nurse taking care of me is cute, very cute. I'm trying my best to seem fine and dandy when he tells me that I can't eat anything before my next poop, adding, "And don't flush it, OK? I need to check." FML
Today, I came home to my son crying and packing a bag, with his laptop smashed on the floor. He said he needed to run away because a "crazy military guy" was coming to kill him. I logged in to his account and found that someone had sent him the Navy SEAL copypasta. He's 16. FML
Today, after a 12-hour shift, I went to a grocery store still in scrubs. Someone asked me for medical advice in the cereal aisle. While explaining I couldn’t diagnose them, I knocked over a display of pasta sauce with my cart. It shattered everywhere. FML
Today, my wife, who is four months pregnant, burst into tears while thinking about the armchair in our living room that we never use. According to her, we're stopping it from living out its destiny as an armchair. FML
Today, I did a series of stretches recommended to me by my physical therapist to help with my hip pain. I must've done them wrong despite following the instructions exactly because when I went shopping and my basket upended itself and spilled on the floor, I was in so much agony I couldn't squat to get it. FML
Today, my wife changed her Facebook status from "Married" to "Widowed". I'm scared. FML
Today, for Valentine's Day, my husband spent all day promising me romance and a good dicking. Instead, his boss hit him with emergency overtime, our romance was defrosted lasagna, and he fell asleep during the dicking so I had to crawl out from under him and watch TV alone. I hate his boss. FML
Today, I went to court to fight my old apartment complex about carpet replacement, because I'd left it completely spotless, only to wait two hours to be told they'd rescheduling it for March. FML
Today, my dad went to urgent care because what all of us thought was a passing cold got worse. It wasn't a cold; it was that new vaccine-resistant flu variant, and neither he or I wore masks the day before when we had to go to my physical therapist. We were sitting right next to each other for at least 30 minutes. FML
You can do it!
Today, at a party, my friend introduced me to her roommate by spouting the usual crap, like, “You guys just had to meet, you have so much in common.” After 20 minutes of very painful, awkward conversation, it was clear the only thing we had in common was being the only two black people in the room. FML
Today, my brain hates me and refuses to let me sleep. No matter how physically exhausted I am, my mind just keeps racing. I just wanna get some sleep! FML
Today, I told my parents that I was going out with my boyfriend and they agreed to let me go as long as I was home by midnight. Did I come home on time? Yes. Was my shirt right side out? No. FML
Today, I went to work at my new job after taking a shower but I'd forgotten to put on deodorant. I started getting strange looks and wondered why, only to find out later that everyone was talking about me, including someone I have a crush on. FML
Today, we met my son's new girlfriend, who he met at church. My asshat husband cracked a joke about all the "new relationship sex" they must be having, offending her and angering my son, who said they were waiting for marriage. My husband retorted, "Who believes in that junk anymore anyway? Go have sex!" FML
Today, I was running late for work and I was carrying my stuff to my car, handbag over my shoulder, laptop in one hand, and my coffee in the other. As I tried to unlock my car, I spilt the coffee all over myself, the car, and my laptop. Now, I’m sticky, wet, and my laptop won't turn on. FML
Today, I won my custody battle and I get to keep my deceased husband's kids. I know I should be happy but I'm getting so much hate from my former in-laws for taking the kids away from their "real family", even though they wanted to stay with me. FML
Today, I got my first interview offer in months for a job I desperately need. It turned out to be an MLM. FML
I'm just gonna walk away now...
Today, I got home, stripped down to my underwear, and laid on the couch. The cat came up, then started meowing loudly at me and bit my sides and legs until I put on sweats and a t-shirt. I now have a cat-enforced dress code. FML
Don't take it away!
Today, I’m a gym newbie and finally worked up the nerve to use the squat rack. I loaded a very modest weight but still felt proud. Halfway through, I realized I’d set up directly in front of the mirror… backwards. I was basically doing awkward half-squats facing everyone else, and two people were politely trying not to laugh behind me. FML
Today, I ran into my roommate coming home at 9 a.m. She was wearing nice clothes, but somehow looked a bit run down. Figuring she was just coming back from a fun night out, I poked fun at her for coming home wearing last night's getup. Turns out it was a fresh outfit. FML
Today, I found out my family doesn't actually use the secret codeword we've had since childhood for when we’re in trouble. They've just been saying it around me for years because they thought it was funny. FML
Today, my son is complaining that girls only want to have sex with him but won’t date him, so he’s afraid he’ll never get married. Funny, my wife only wants to be married to me, but won’t have sex with me. Ain’t that ironic? FML
Today, I was cuddling with my boyfriend. I was the little spoon. His hand moved to my chest (I'm less than an A-cup, but very full on my bottom half), and I playfully said, "No! Don’t touch my chest!" He replied, "Huh? I thought that was your rib cage!" FML
Today, I wanted to show my friends my cat’s “high-five” trick. I held out my hand, and instead of a high-five, my cat scratched and bit me instead. I yelped, and my friends burst into laughter. I had to bandage my hand, all whilst they joked about “cat training.” FML
Today, I ate two Fiber One bars for breakfast and now I can’t stop farting. FML
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