Today, due to the unexpected closure of Qatari airspace, I took a 14 hour flight from Perth, Western Australia to Perth, Western Australia. FML
Today, after spending an exhausting amount of time trying to stay quiet so I didn’t wake my housemates, even to the point of catching the microwave before it went off, I dropped my bowl of food right in the middle of the hallway between the bedrooms with a loud clang. FML
Today, I have horrible heartburn (as opposed to wonderful) so I went to pick my fresh Aloe vera for treatment… and saw it was all chewed up by wildlife, who apparently also have heartburn. FML
Today, while using a public bathroom, I was singing to myself because I thought I was alone and not in a rush. When I opened the door, three people were waiting in line. One of them rushed in behind me, another seemed really annoyed, and the third person said, "I love that song!", confirming that they heard everything FML
Today, while on a first date, we ran into a street performer dressed as a clown. I have a phobia of clowns, so I froze in place for a solid 30 seconds before moving away as fast as I could. She spent the rest of the date looking at me oddly, then afterwards said we weren’t going to work out. FML
Today, when my boyfriend came over he was on his phone. We spent about 15 minutes together before having sex, then he made a phone call and said he had to leave. I could hear him from my window apologising to his coworker because he “just had to do something real quick but was now free to talk again.” FML
Today, I got caught checking out my porn collection while working. The embarrassment is compounded by the fact that I work from home, and I only flashed the folder on screen, but it was enough for coworkers to notice and now call me "King Dong". FML
Today, I spent five minutes trying to figure out how to use a new machine at my gym. I finally gave up, muttered, “Screw this thing,” and walked away. A staff member came over, tapped the “ON” button, and the whole thing lit up. He’d been watching the entire time. FML
Today, I started my new shift schedule. They run on the policy: "Early is on time, on time is late." My shift starts at 6 in the morning. It's now 11pm and my wife called me a selfish bastard for asking her to get off Whatnot so I can sleep. FML
Today, I was at the self-checkout scanning groceries quickly. I swiped an item so aggressively that it flew out of my hand, hit another customer’s basket, and knocked over a display of onions. I pretended it wasn’t me, but the onions gave me away by rolling directly to my feet. FML
Today, I bought a fancy salad for lunch and went to eat it in the park. A strong gust of wind flipped the lid off and launched half the salad into my lap. As I jumped up to shake it off, I slipped on a stray tomato slice, fell backward onto the grass, and watched as a seagull swooped in to eat my croutons. FML
Today, I caught a falling jar in the kitchen with one hand and I felt like an action hero. In celebrating, I yelled, “Did you see that?!” The jar then slipped out of my hand, smashed onto the floor, and splattered sauce all over me. My roommate flipped me the finger and left me to clean up. FML
Today, I learned that when you have a banker and rental property manager for a dad, and a recently graduated business major for a boyfriend, the absolute worst thing you can do at family dinner night is suggest playing Monopoly. It was four hours of carnage I don’t think I can recover from FML
Today, while stripping the bed, I noticed black dots on my husband's side of the mattress, and only on his side. That’s when I realised it was mould, because he doesn’t like to towel dry, he likes to let the fan dry him while he’s lying on the bed wet and warm, perfect for mould. Idiot. FML
Today, I attended my boyfriend's funeral. His entire family never accepted me and hadn’t spoken to him in 4 years. I had to listen to his brother give the eulogy, and every word out of his mouth about my boyfriend was a lie. They barely knew him, yet I could only sit in the back of the church, alone. FML
Today, a woman told me she liked my shoes. My social anxiety peaked so I panicked and said, “You too!” She wasn’t wearing shoes. FML
Today, I was sitting in my garden with my younger sister when she told me that she'd found pictures of me from a decade ago. She also told me that I've changed a lot over the years, because back then I was still pretty. My neighbours overheard it and started laughing out loud. FML
Today, I'm getting ready to move and so I woke up early to get a bunch of trash to put out. For months our pickup has been so late, it usually happens the next day. Today they came at 6:30 AM, while I was in the bathroom. Nothing was put out yet. FML
Today, I was violently sick. There was so much vomit forcing itself out that I dislocated my jaw. I continued throwing up with a dislocated jaw for an hour or so. FML
Today, I was driving when a couple flipped the bird on me before cutting me off, so I flipped them off back. After they'd got away, another driver thought I'd actually been flipping him off and followed me into a parking lot. This guy was huge, and let’s just say he didn’t give me a chance to explain myself. FML
Today, it’s 3 a.m. and my cat is shredding the padded door of her box, wanting to get out. I would be sympathetic if not for the fact that she has a perfectly good cat flap on the other side of that box, so she can go outside whenever she wants. FML
Today, I sleepily sprang out of bed to battle a determined off-brand rattly Roomba for the right to clear up a large puddle of cat barf. Guess who won… FML
Today, the best moment of my day is when I wake up because I need to use the bathroom, then afterwards look at the clock to see that there's only a couple of hours before I have to get up for good and face another day. FML
Today, I tried to quietly tell my friend that our professor's pants' fly was down. Unfortunately, I underestimated how quiet the room would go. The entire class heard me whisper, “His dick’s gonna pop out!” The professor looked down, zipped up, and said, “Thank you, but… dream on.” FML
Today, I met my new neighbor while taking out the trash. Trying to be friendly, I said, “Hey, I think we share a wall!” He replied, “Yeah, I know. I can hear every time you cry while listening to Sufjan Stevens.” FML
Today, in a grocery store, the cashier asked if we found everything OK. Before I could answer, my kid said, “Mom says the shop smells like poor people.” I don’t even remember saying that, but judging by the cashier’s face it must be a family business. FML
Today, my boss wrote me up for drinking Kombucha at work, swearing it was "fancy Asian beer." I went to HR with the bottle and they dismissed the write up, since they saw sense and realized. FML
Today, my need for medication that increases bruising collided with my need for major oral surgery. I look like a chipmunk who lost a fight. Just in time for Mother’s Day. FML
Today, I went camping with my girlfriend and another couple. We saw a black bear. I shrieked and peed, while the other guy stepped forward and yelled, "Get outta here!" To my surprise, it ran away. My girlfriend is so ashamed of me that she's refusing to share a tent. I'm sleeping in my truck bed. FML
Today, I cleaned my car for the first time in ages and proudly showed my friend how spotless it was. Right then, a gust of wind blew a huge mess of shit straight inside as I opened the door. She said, “Nature disagrees.” Shards of leaves and other bits of crap were everywhere. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
