Weekend Routine

Today, I was at an amusement park with friends. We wanted to get a picture of all four of us, so we asked a nice-looking man to take it for us on my brand-new iPhone 6s. He took something. Unfortunately, it wasn't a picture. FML

Season finale

Healthy relationship

Property law

By phone-less - 17/12/2015 02:47 - United States - East Peoria

20133

7481

Today, my boyfriend and I got robbed. He was so depressed about all the stuff we lost, I decided to cheer him up with a lap dance. I told him to sit on a chair. We have no furniture left. He started crying. FML

By caligirl4ever - 19/7/2019 12:00

1868

444

Today, I received a medical bill because my daughter thought it would be hilarious to try and fit her fist in her mouth. She succeeded in getting it in, but not in getting it out. FML

By KnuckleSandwich - 20/7/2009 19:10 - United States

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3735

Today, I asked my kids how much they loved me. My seven year old responded, 'I'll love you forever mummy.' My sixteen year old responded, 'Can you wind down the window, I just farted.' FML

By ljjprchf - 13/12/2009 01:29 - Australia

28127

13748

Today, I was at a fire roasting marshmallows. When mine caught on fire, I pulled it back so I could blow out the flames. It flew off the stick, and, still flaming, landed on my face. FML

By crayons128 - 24/1/2011 06:13 - United States

31937

6569

Today, my grandpa saw one of the paintings in the guest room at my house. "What the fuck?" he snorted, then said whoever painted it should "stick to their damn day job". I painted it. FML

By is cum a fruit or a vegetable? - 17/7/2015 17:50 - United States - Germantown

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2598

Today, at 30 years old, my wife asked why I'm circumcised when my parents aren't religious. I didn't know I was circumcised. FML

By JWags - 4/12/2018 05:00

3379

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Today, I learned that several thousand people in my state got tickets this month for driving and talking on the phone. My mom called to tell me this while I was driving. I'm now part of that statistic. Thanks, mom. FML

By ticketed - 28/8/2012 16:04 - United States - Bronx

11254

36458

Today, I had to get my hair chopped off for a role that I'm playing in a show. I was staring at the floor while the woman cut my hair, and I suddenly heard her start crying. Her tears were immediately followed by "It's okay! I have a friend in New York who can fix it. We won't charge you." FML

By Noname - 11/3/2009 05:21 - United States

81370

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Today, I chuckled at a "no smoking" sign as I lit my cigarette. I bent my head down to light it and somehow managed to light my hair on fire. FML

By kaycie_lynn - 19/2/2010 01:11 - United States

6746

71333

Today, I told my boyfriend that I didn't want to go out with him because I was having a fat day. After ten minutes of fighting, he threw a ring box on the floor and stormed out. I basically refused his proposal because of my body issues. FML

By henley - 23/7/2012 01:33

11691

69622

Today, a couple stopped me on the beach to take a picture of them kissing in front of the sunset. I agreed feeling generous, until they continued making out after the picture was taken, leaving me standing there awkwardly with their camera. FML

By unknown - 7/4/2013 04:26 - United States - Cape Coral

49675

5306

Today, our cat died. My husband and I had a touching bonding moment together. Our relationship has been strained for months, and I thought this could bring us closer. He decided to bring up politics. FML

By Anonymous - 6/3/2017 04:00

5866

572

Today, I was working, ripping siding off a house. I pulled off a sheet that was over my head. I got rained with what I thought was woodchips that was behind the siding. Turns out they were dead grasshoppers. Guess what I found in my bra after work. FML

By xUnluckyx - 18/3/2010 05:45 - Canada

34036

3768

Today, I was going to my prom. My mom knows I want to drink so to prevent me, she made sure I took my prescription medicine before I left. I guess her way of stopping me from drinking is killing myself If I do. FML

By coolkid111 - 27/3/2011 00:26 - United States

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Today, the cut on my face from getting hit with a baseball healed. It's left a dick-shaped scar. FML

By dickface - 1/4/2016 01:52 - United States - Lewisburg

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Today, my wife sent me a text expressing her "love and thinking to the future with you, Chad". Too bad my name isn't Chad. FML

By Anonymous - 16/4/2018 19:00

4751

238

Today, I was finally given a parking spot at work. It turns out to be between an expensive sports car that never parks straight and a giant truck too big for its space. FML

By Anonymous - 20/7/2014 23:57 - United States - Lafayette

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Today, I got to wash my ex-wife's dishes at her apartment while her new boyfriend played with my daughter in the living room. FML

By Anonymous - 27/5/2013 23:34 - United States - Brimfield

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12767

Today, I went on a blind date. My date would respond to me by saying "retweet" and "favorite" when she thought something was relatable. FML

By clairebear104 - 19/9/2014 03:15 - United States - Louisville

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Today, my son got his first tooth, and is enthusiastically biting everything. I breastfeed. FML

By loveyouson - 9/1/2013 18:48 - Denmark - Copenhagen

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Today, my son, who has ASD, told a woman how gigantic her butt was. While trying to remind him that some things are not nice to say, he screamed that her butt is the "giantest butt ever," like it was an accomplishment. FML

By Melissa Barrios - 15/7/2019 16:00

1603

160

Today, I was lying on the floor playing with my cat. I was holding her in the air, when my sister tripped over the TV cord and unplugged the cable. The TV made a loud fuzzy sound, I got scared and threw my cat in the air. I got scratched in the face by a falling cat. FML

By Anonymous - 29/11/2011 16:15 - United States

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Today, my mom called while I was at a job interview. I ignored the call, but the interviewer was so offended by the fact I'd rudely left it on at all, that he threw me out. I found out from my mom later that she'd called to wish me good luck. FML

By unemployed - 24/8/2012 18:00 - United States - Alhambra

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Today, at work, my boss made me spend a hour trying to catch a baby raccoon in the parking lot. I'm a bank teller. FML

By Username - 20/10/2010 18:08 - France

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Today, I sent a $120 bouquet of flowers for mother's day. When I called tonight see if my Mom got them, she replied that they were still on the doorstep because she "didn't want the dogs to get excited and start barking" when she opened the front door to bring them in. FML

By yapDogs - 10/5/2015 01:43 - United States - Fort Myers

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Today, I made out with the guy I've had a huge crush on for the first time. He wrapped his arms around me, and whispered softly into my ear, "I can't wait to bone you." FML

By funkmylife69 - 23/9/2019 06:06

Mr. Smooth

1481

432

Today, my mum told me I should see a therapist when she saw me wipe down a remote before using it. My dad has a knack for blowing his nose into his hand and wiping it on his pants, and my mum is the kind to pick up food residue from the drain and eat it - but sure, I'M the one with bad habits. FML

By RatherOCDthanNasty - 15/2/2017 04:00 - Norway - Oslo

7483

451

Today, I had my girlfriend over for dinner with my family. My father had dressed up as a girl for a recent gig of his at a local pub. This got somehow brought up at the table. The rest of the dinner conversation consisted of him and my girlfriend discussing bras and lingerie. FML

By BadLuckCarson - 12/2/2013 05:55 - United States - Muscatine

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Today, I was happy because my co-worker was almost about to get fired due to his lazy habits. It was all going so well. Then I accidentally put my biggest sale yet under his name. FML

By darianvilla - 22/7/2016 23:35 - United States - College Park

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Today, I went on a run with this cute guy I know. I was sweating untractively and profusely so I decided to discretly grab a leaf from a tree and wipe my face with it. A bird had done the same with his ass few minutes ago. FML

By broussimousse - 10/3/2009 20:42 - United Kingdom

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Today, my aunt and uncle stole $584 from me, since I'm moving out. Their reasoning? I stole things. When I asked what I'd stolen, my aunt looked me straight in the eye and said "Milk Duds." FML

By Anonymous - 24/8/2011 08:03 - United States

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Today, the government froze my bank account for not paying college debt, and now I can't access my 0.30 cents. FML

By Maleficia - 19/1/2017 08:25

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Today, my fiance told me he thought it was time that we started to see other people. I'm six months pregnant with his baby. FML

By Marcella - 24/10/2009 04:49 - United States

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Today, my house was robbed while I sat helplessly on the toilet with violent diarrhoea. I could hear them laughing hysterically. FML

By Mike - 25/4/2011 21:39

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Today, it's officially been two weeks since I found out I have mono. It's also been two weeks since anyone has visited me, called me, or even emailed me. The real kicker? I'm now fired from my job because they can't believe I can have mono twice in one year. I guess I'm just lucky that way. FML

By blah - 1/2/2010 06:43 - France

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Today, I was cold and alone at work, so I decided to try and warm myself up on the panini toaster. As I was holding the top side open and my other hand over the hot metal, I accidentally closed the door on my hand. FML

By Anonymous - 21/11/2010 19:07 - United States

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Today, I was invited to an engagement. My crush is getting engaged next month to a man she told me she hated. FML

By Antoine Karam - 27/6/2019 04:30

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215

Today, for the first time in my life, a girl showed interest in me. She sent me a text message saying she wanted to come over and fuck my brains out. This would've made me the happiest guy alive, if only she weren't my extremely drunk sister. FML

By Anonymous - 11/4/2015 20:55 - Australia - Caroline Springs

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