Weekend Routine

Today, my boyfriend started tickling me relentlessly. I am extremely ticklish and accidentally kicked him in the shin whilst squirming. He’s now trying to get me arrested for assault. FML

Poisoned chalice

Thanks Felicia

Still pining

By amm

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250

Today, I was pretending a long corridor at work was a catwalk, when a coworker walked out just in time to see me prancing around like an idiot. Now the whole building is laughing about it. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Lemon Grove

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Today, what started as a family gathering turned into an all-out brawl. I saw my son’s wife punch him, so I hit her. Her mom and sister jumped me. My husband was pulling them off when the other husband thought he was attacking them and jumped in, so my son jumped in as well. We won, at least. FML

By brawl y’all - 31/10/2020 09:04 - United States

Some winners…

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989

Today, my girlfriend and I tried out a website where you upload pictures of two people, and it shows you what their future children might look like. She actually started crying because the kid we were shown wasn't cute enough for her liking. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Scottsbluff

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Today, I asked my mom not to bring her dog to my wedding, since he's a real pain in the ass. She told me not to worry about it because she didn't feel like going anyway. FML

By L_M_AND_R_L - United States

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Today, I fell asleep for an hour in the bathroom while taking a dump. I had to convince everyone I went for a walk during lunch since no one saw my car leave. FML

By Brian B - United States

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Today, I was ditched by the guy I flew over two thousand miles to see. His excuse? "I'm just tired. I want to go home and sleep" Later, he checked in at a bar right down the street from the hotel on Facebook. FML

By phoenixditch - United States - Burke

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Today, I told my dad I'm pregnant. His response? "It's only a phase, you'll get over it." FML

By twinArmageddon2 - United States - El Cajon

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Today, I lost my virginity to the woman of my dreams. I finished before entering. I'm 28 years old. FML

By James - United States

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Today, I stopped by McDonald's with my brother. I asked him what he wanted and I repeated his order. The lady said, "We don't have that here." I stupidly answered, "That's weird. We have it where I come from," and she replied, "Where did you come from honey, 1995?" FML

By Anonymous - 8/9/2020 09:01

Walked into that one

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Today, my boyfriend of a couple of weeks mixed up my name with his ex wife's name. After he said it, he looked at me and said, "You knew it was going to happen." FML

By thatsnotmyname - United States - Calhoun City

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Today, I walked into my dorm room, only to witness my roommate shaving her vag over my trashcan. FML

By JN5SLK - United States - Salt Lake City

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Today, my boyfriend of two years told me I was being too obsessive. This is the guy who has gone through my phone two separate times and deleted all of my male contacts. FML

By alissa_roar - United States

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Today, my girlfriend dumped me. This poses a problem, because her mother is my boss, and we work in an office on the first story of their apartment. Tomorrow I have to decide whether to quit my awesome and only job, or go to work for my now ex's mother in their house. FML

By M.A. - United States - Prescott

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5496

Today, I'm recovering from a bad motorcycle crash that could have cost me my life. A truck pulled out in front of me while going 60. Luckily I only have a broken arm and a fractured sternum. I was just notified by my attorney that the guy at fault has no insurance or assets to his name. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Conroe

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Today, I dropped my wedding ring on the carpet. Just as I was about to pick it up, my Roomba sucked it up. FML

By JamesFuckingBond - United States - Burlington

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Today, I snuck out to go see my girlfriend. When I got to her house, I left my bike out front and we went on a nice walk around the block. We passed a homeless-looking woman going the opposite way. About ten minutes later, the same woman passed us, on my bike. FML

By crabmunch15 - United States - Victorville

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Today, I was cleaning up litter from the street, when a guy asked who I work for. I said nobody and that I was just doing some community service. Before I could clarify that it was voluntary community service, he called me a "piece of shit delinquent", spat on me, and walked off. FML

By sigh - United States - Frederick

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Today, my boyfriend of three years who I helped through drug rehab and find employment in my office left me for someone else. His explanation was that now that his "head is not clouded with chemicals" and he "makes decent money", he wants to settle down with someone worthy of him. FML

By dracer - United States

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Today, I went through my purse to see where my keys were. I found my house keys, but not my car keys, so I freaked out. When I remembered that I was driving, I felt stupid. FML

By Anonymous

595

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Today, I stood by the wall at a party while everyone else danced and ignored me. It was my birthday party. FML

By Noname - United States

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Today, I found out that the mysterious yellow mould that won't come off my apartment floor is in fact the remains of a condom my room-mate used when she was f*cking her boyfriend in my bed. Afterwards, she apparently threw it on the floor and let it lie there. For three weeks. FML

By Faluna - Sweden

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Today, I got punched in the face after a stranger asked for a light, didn't realize it was a butane lighter and burnt the tip of his nose lighting his cigarette. Now my nose looks worse than his. FML

By chinousmc - United States - Clearwater

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Today, I met with my realtor to close on a house for my boyfriend and me. While waiting for my boyfriend, I got a text message from him saying he was breaking up with me. I had already signed the papers on our house. Now I'm responsible for a mortgage that I can only afford with his help. FML

By housepoor - United States

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Today, I got mugged at Disney World, the happiest place on Earth. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, I was eating out with my partner, and we decided to use the new lube we bought. Things went great until I later realized I was allergic to it and a large red rash spread all across my mouth and chin. It won't go away. FML

By Rashbeard

Rash beard

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Today, I had to pick my son up from school after he beat the crap out of another student. The words that made him go nuts were apparently, "You mad, bro?" FML

By Anonymous - Sweden - G?teborg

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Today, my sister asked me how my boyfriend was doing. He died two years ago. She was the first person I told. FML

By lonesomegal - United States - Los Angeles

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Today, I realized that the air freshener in my bathroom and the air freshener in my girlfriend's bedroom are the exact same scent. Now, every time I go to the bathroom I get an erection, and every time my girlfriend and I have sex in her room, I think about shitting. FML

By thefriedman - United States - Perris

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Today, my boyfriend read online that oversleeping has been linked to strokes later in life. He's now taken it upon himself to protect me by making sure that I have as minimal sleep as possible. FML

By nosleep - Canada - Calgary

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Today, I went in for I thought would be an interview for a promotion, but turns out there was no interview set up, and they'd already decided who would be the next manager. FML

By Anonymous

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Today, it was my first day as a mailman. One of the houses got a bunch of cards, and the owner coincidentally opened the door as I arrived. So I said to the owner that someone in the house must really be popular. He replied, "She died this Tuesday." FML

By Username - France

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Today, I was using the restroom at a gas station when someone hurriedly knocked on the door. Thinking that it was my sister, I playfully said, "Hold up, hoe!" I opened the door to see a goth woman with an edgy haircut giving me a death stare. FML

By Watsausrname

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Today, my cat fell into the toilet, jumped out, and ran straight to hide in my bed. FML

By MoncaBang - United States

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Today, I noticed there was a red truck following me. I walked as fast as I could. I then ran. It followed. I slipped on some ice and fell. I was unable to get up. It stopped beside me and the driver got out. I then said hello to my husband's new car. FML

By meee - United States

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Today, while I was driving my 27 year old boyfriend 8 hours to a Pokémon event, he realized he didn't bring his DS with him. He cried about it. FML

By juli - Taiwan

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Today, while having sex with my girlfriend for the first time, I pushed all the way in. She said, "Stop teasing me, put everything in." FML

By Anonymous - Israel - Tel Aviv

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Today, while on the phone with my boyfriend, I really needed to poop. Badly. He was in the middle of telling a story, so I figured I could get away with muting the phone while on the toilet. Halfway through, he suddenly went silent. I forgot to mute the phone. FML

By ShitHappens - United States

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Today, while driving to Nashville, I saw a bunch of wild turkeys huddled together on the side of the road. I was excited to point them out to my boyfriend, until I realized that the "wild turkeys" were in fact vultures, and that they were eating a dead deer. FML

By That escalated quickly - United States - Ocean City

Look at that

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