Today, I drunkenly admitted to a friend of five years that I've "liked" her for a long time now. She's been in a relationship with some douche for a year and a half at this point. She started crying, and when she finally stopped said, "I can forget this ever happened." FML
Today, due to some luck on my part and a really good stockbroker, I was able to retire quite comfortably at 45… at least until my wife told me she's pregnant, and as an added bonus, it’s twins. Now I need a job again, quite desperately. FML
Today, I'm grounded for literally the whole summer because my parents found out that I was still seeing my grandma behind their backs, even though they banned her from ever seeing us again after she spanked my sister. FML
Today, my dad was so dizzy, he couldn't get out of bed. I called his doctor but sadly I confused the word "vertigo" with "libido." The doctor may have been impressed but offered me no helpful suggestions. FML
Today, I feel very lost. I have been in and out of psych wards so much. It's so bad, the ER nurse knows me as "the AI coder guy" and the people in the mental health wards know me by first name, and have a "welcome back" thing each time. It's so embarrassing. FML
Today, I said a few words to my mom that happened to be similar to something offensive, and she misheard. I tried to tell her, but she was so angry that she assumed I was saying more offensive things. Now she is punishing everybody in the house, and I’m not allowed to speak to her. FML
Today, after having toothaches for about two years, which persisted even after I had the crack in my tooth repaired, I went to a different dentist and it turns out that the actual culprit is a hole in the neighboring tooth, which has had years to grow, unnoticed under the edge of my gums. FML
Today, I, a fucking international student who's been here for like two weeks, ditched the end of a lecture because I had to get off in the men's bathroom, after being degraded by an ex who hates me. Instead of moving up in life, I do this stupid shit because I like being treated like entertaining garbage. FML
Today, a month into exercising for the first time in years to get summer body for vacation, the sudden exertion pushed back my period. If I'd sat on my ass, my period would have been on time this month, and over next month before my vacation started. I was really looking forward to period-free vacation. Not anymore. FML
Today, my niece came to visit from out of town. It's also the day my partner tested positive for Covid. To minimize contact, I told her I would take her to the train station while he isolates. She refused. She then spent the day sitting as close to me as possible, hoping I was a carrier. She WANTED to catch it. FML
Today, I had to temporarily block my brother from calling me because every day for the last week or two he has called me just to yell, "THEY ARE EATING THE DOGS! THEY ARE EATING THE CATS!" before hanging up. He thinks it's hilarious. FML
Today, I told my dogs to go to their dog beds. The small dog went onto the big one’s bed. The big dog went onto my bed. FML
Today, I've counted the unanswered 29 emails and 91 calls I've made to the university. The accountant at my company submitted the wrong reference number when doing the payment to the university, and now I cannot register for the course. Every time I get a response, I'm asked for info already provided. FML
Today, after dating a guy for weeks, it seemed that we had a lot in common; we also had great time and it started to get serious. Then out of the blue he went cold, told me that he's gonna have an operation, has 5% chance of dying so he doesn't want serious relationship, then ghosted me. He's still alive. FML
Today, I went to the hospital for severe abdominal pain and nausea. I sat in the waiting room for six hours, just to be told, “We don’t know what’s wrong with you. Try taking Gravol and Tylenol and maybe lay off the fatty foods.” I feel like shit. FML
Today, at my new job at McDonald’s, they only had uniform pants in a size 36 or 56, nothing in between. I’m a size 40 so I squeezed into the 36. When I told my supervisor I couldn’t tuck my shirt into the pants like they asked, because I couldn’t close the top button, she told me to lose weight. FML
Today, my boyfriend wanted my emotional support after his other girlfriend hit him with a phone charger when she found out he had two girlfriends. Yes folks, the open relationship thing was news for me, too. FML
Today, after I was shot in the hip years ago and the doctors left the bullet inside, they damn well better remove the bullet now because over the last 10 years, it's moved enough to start compressing a nerve, so now my penis is numb to all sensation, and I can’t get a boner anymore. FML
Today, I was at a restaurant with my grandma. A young, ripped gentleman suddenly walked through the door and my grandma looked at him and shouted, "Look! Eye candy!" as loud as she could. He heard it and was extremely embarrassed. To make it worse, my grandma is a widow, so she might have actually meant it. FML
Today, me, my boyfriend and his family stayed at an AirBnB while on a trip. While I was doing my makeup, my boyfriend told me he was going to take a shower. A few minutes later, I went in the bathroom to shave my legs thinking my boyfriend was in there, but his dad was in the shower, scrubbing his ass. FML
Today, at work, I served a rude ass customer and his bratty ass kid, and was forced to swipe her toy debit card so it appeared as if the daughter paid for her snack. In that moment, I questioned my entire existence. Whichever company invented that toy hates cashiers everywhere. FML
Today, my boyfriend turned down sex because he was watching TV and wanted to know how it ended. The show was probably ten years-old and on Netflix. He could watch it anytime he wanted. FML
Today, I told my wife Philip Rivers retired. Being born and bred in Baltimore, she hates anything Colts now. "Philip is a stupid name", she says. I pointed out my middle name is Philip. She laughed, then said, "Are you serious?" We've been married 33 years. FML
Today, I’ve been getting a lot of strange messages from guys on the dating site I use, then I realised why: on my profile pic I'm sat down and you can see my nice underwear up my skirt. That explains the messages, they thought I was trolling for men to hump and dump. FML
Today, I went to see a doctor because of some blood in my stool. Not only is the matter embarrassing enough as is, it turned out the doctor was a young, crisply dressed, extremely handsome man. I then had his finger in my ass for a check-up, all the while him being very nice about it. I'm still mortified. FML
Today, I went to pick up my dog from a friend's place since she agreed to watch him while I went out of state for Spring Break. I arrived at her apartment. She’s gone and the apartment was vacated. She won’t answer her phone or texts, and vanished from all social media. I’m still making payments on the dog. FML
Today, it's day 38 since I bought a new SUV, and the dealership is still working on fixing an issue with the sunroof. I just made my first payment on it and I never got to drive it. FML
Today, I dyed my hair blue because I’m cosplaying as Jinx from Arcane. My parents made me practically homeless because they associate hair dye with "wokeness" and they’re not having that shit in their house. I'm now staying with my sister. FML
Today, my ex-girlfriend got some new piercings and decided to show me. They are the exact same piercings that the girl I'm currently seeing has. I'm starting to think she's still keeping tabs on me. FML
Today, my coworker overheard our boss saying that she wanted to punch him in the face. After he tore into her about it and announced his immediate departure, they both started ranting to me, trying to make me take sides on the issue. I don't want to get fired, but I also don't want to make him mad. Help me. FML
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