Today, it's been about 4 months since my partner and I spent all our savings to open a board game shop. We found that most people were interested in D&D, and so we stupidly decided to put most of our eggs in one basket, and send about 75% of our other stock back. Guess what everyone decided to boycott last week? FML
Today, my boss sent me this reel where a girl was talking about how girls call their crushes bro. He asked me if that was true and somehow I replied, “Yes bro.” FML
Today, my girlfriend said she’s been wanting to have sex lately. We haven’t done it in so long, I've lost track. We still haven’t done it. Part of me wants to fuck someone else. FML
Today, my brother got sick with a stomach bug. He didn’t even quit his game to throw up in the toilet and instead threw up straight on the carpet. It sat there for hours. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me only two weeks after he moved into my place, because his massive German shepherd keeps running scared from my cat. Apparently, I ruined his dog by letting my cat be dominant to him, and it’s all my fault his dog is a wuss. FML
Today, my wife and I were going through a very amicable 50/50 divorce, until she found out I’m already dating. She’s only two years younger than my wife, but it upset her enough she’s now stalling the divorce until she gets 75/25 in her favour, including the holiday cottage. FML
Today, I was chatting to a girl in the chemist's and was about to ask her to go for coffee when the chemist came out of the back room and asked me loudly if the rash was only on my genitals or if it had spread further. FYI the chemist is my uncle and he was joking. I didn’t end up asking her out. FML
Today, my dad's new girlfriend, who he met in Vegas, flies in. My mother is still alive in a dementia care facility. I don't know how to feel about this. FML
Today, while 9 months pregnant, I was sleeping soundly for once, cuddling with my cat, having a nice dream… until I woke up choking on acid reflux, peed the bed, peed on the carpet and all over myself trying to get to the bathroom. This is not the first time this has happened. At least I didn't puke this time. FML
Today, a VIP visited our building. I was put in charge of his hospitality and was very nervous. At one point, he asked me if he could, “Ahem… wash my hands.” Without thinking, I took him to our kitchen so he could use the sink. Turns out he needed a pee. He looked at me like I was an idiot. FML
Today, I moved in with my boyfriend. I also moved right back out, after I caught him sexting one of his coworkers just a few hours later. FML
Today, my baby threw up all over my homework, which I worked really hard on and is due tomorrow. Moral of the story is don’t have a kid when you're in high school. FML
Today, I finally convinced my girlfriend, who is embarrassed of her smoking habit and wants to quit, to smoke in front of me to break the shame. I was loving, supportive, and cheerful, and I kissed her after. I also got a boner. Now I wish she wouldn’t quit. FML
Today, my doctor wants me to avoid carbohydrates, proteins, and fats. Yes, I am looking for another doctor while I scratch my head. FML
He's doing his doggone best.
Today, in the booze aisle of Walmart at 1 a.m., an older woman asked for recommendations, telling me she's just trying to get drunk and enjoy herself as she recently found out that she's dying, signed her will that day and her family were being shitty about it. I picked a bottle, she thanked me and said, "Have a good life kid, and don't trust your fucking family." FML
Today, my boss fired me. I still can't really explain where the slap I gave him for it came from, though. FML
Today, my grandmother got caught trying to rob a casino. She was planning this for months, and is claiming I was an integral part of the heist. I'm fifteen and had no idea she was planning this. FML
Today, my family somehow discovered how much money I make. They didn’t ask for money, or try to be my friend, or try to manipulate me, they just jumped straight to demanding ludicrous amounts of cash for fabricated and imaginary reasons, and already have their own lawyer. FML
Today, my husband (M72) and I (F69) had yet another argument over all the time he spends away from home doing hobbies and volunteering. After an emotional conversation about my moving out, he said, "Well, if we are done talking about that, let me tell you what I got to do today." Biggest emotional slap ever. FML
Today, my physics teacher accidentally lit me on fire. FML
Today, I was showing my mum how to use eBay. Unfortunately I didn't notice my recent purchase history was on display: a huge black dildo, a jockstrap, and a bong amongst them. Of course, she did. FML
Today, while in bed with my husband, we were discussing our fears. Mine being the Doomsday Clock. He giggled and made me feel silly about my (rational if you ask me) fear. I let out a tiny toot, and he jumped and screamed bloody murder. FML
Today, I'm stuck in a bad relationship with a man who won't work to get ahead in life, and whose family looks down on me for being a different race. If I dump him, I'll have to live with my racist dad, who will smuckle endlessly about how I "learned a lesson for dating outside your race." FML
Today, we're visiting my wife's extended family. They're nice people but they eat like crap; I haven't had a single fresh vegetable or fruit in days, and everything they cook is overcooked and smothered in cheap sauce or "seasonings." My stomach is about to go on strike. FML
Today, during the party for my last day at my old job, my office wife professed her love for me. We’re both married, we have no chemistry, and I’ve been dumping my work on her for three years. FML
Today, my daughter told me that now that she's a Christian, I can no longer see my grandchildren unless I repent from my "homosexual lifestyle." FML
Today, my adorable 8 year-old son told me he no longer wanted me to pick him up from school. When I asked why, he said, "I told everyone at school my mommy is pretty and I don't want people to know I lied." FML
Today, my ex-boss still owes me almost 900€. I just paid another 150€ to have a lawyer tell me that, yes, the law is clearly on my side but no, I will most likely not win in court because I don't have hard proof. I just paid money to be told I won't be getting the money I'm owed. FML
Today, I learned that it isn’t normal to fart hundreds of times a day, no matter what I eat. FML
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