Today, a month after my final bout of intimacy with the stage five clinger who's been borderline stalking me since high school, she called to tell me I'm going to be a father. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was told that I will be a father in 2 months. I had a one night stand about 7 months ago. FML
Today, I saw my girlfriend after 10 months of being away. She was pregnant. She actually had the brass balls to tell me I needed to "Man up and be this child's father." Get the fuck out, you cheating whore. FML
Today, my fiancé told me his ex-wife was 5 weeks pregnant. I was happy for her, and glad she had finally moved on. Until I found out who the father was. They're moving back in together, for the baby's sake. FML
Today, ten years after getting my college girlfriend pregnant and leaving because I wasn't ready, I reached out to her and told her I'm ready to be a father. Apparently my son "already has a father in his life" and "doesn't need me." She laughed at me when I threatened to sue for custody, and hung up. FML
Today, I found out that I'm pregnant. I also found out that the dad has a fiancée. FML
Today, there were a few loud and annoying kids running around my store. My coworker and I started talking. I jokingly stated, "Yeah, kids ruin everything." But before I could get out, "God knows I'm not ready to be a dad," my phone rang. It was my one night stand. I'm going to be a daddy. FML
Today, my fiancée, who believes in "sex after marriage" like me, told me she was pregnant. FML
Today, I called my ex and told him I was pregnant with his child. He was thrilled, going on and on about how much he wanted to be a dad. I had to tell him I was going to abort it. FML
Today, I found out that, after a year of separation, my ex-wife is pregnant and due in a few months. The divorce became official a few weeks ago and the father is my former best friend. FML
Today, I've hated being a parent ever since I was baby-trapped at 17, but I stuck through it and never let my son suspect how I really felt, and we have a great relationship now he’s an adult. Well he just moved out yesterday, and today my wife told me she’s pregnant. Here we fucking go again. FML
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Top comments
2ndSucks 15
She's stalking you, but you still screwed her? Smart.
Fx13mz 7
Dude, you ****** up. =/
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Comments (207)
cristina_laila 16
It might not be yours! Don't throw in the towel yet!! :)
princessbits 17
This is why you don't **** your stalker.
Alleged_Cranium 7
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Better yet, push her down the stairs.
iluvhobos 5
YDI. But that's a good Dr. Acula song. (:
ALpein 0
You know, it's hard to think with your ding-dong in someone's hoo-ha. I bet she's lying; stalkers tend to do that.
i_amthe_walrus 0
38- I have to ask this question, did you intentionally take a picture with a shoe that looks like a penis in your face at first glance? Every time I see your picture it always looks like that to me so I had to ask.
teresa96706 29
Lol! Yeah she likes being titty-f.u.cked.
LiyIa_fml 8
When I just glanced at 38's picture, I thought it was a *****.
allenye818 2
Never put your d*ck in crazy. I'm a girl & I know that.
sky22_fml 7
This is definitely true....
Choose_Wisely 5
even if you wrap it up, she'll poke a whole in it if she is that crazy
Choose_Wisely 5
**hole
tjv3 10
YDI you should not have done the do. plus you should have wrapped it before you tapped it
susannah365 8
u know what they say, hungry person thinks about bread ...
Fx13mz 7
Dude, you ****** up. =/
sunlovinmama 1
Vote for Pedro
partyfool2011 4
You see this is why you're supposed to be on top, because then you'll never **** up!
hawaiianfire 0
And the best comment of the day goes to 57
Brittaneyyy 0
def poked a hole in the condom
Discombobulated9 12
Too right. You're complaining about her being a stalker now, but you obviously didn't have a problem with it during your 'five minute wonder'. YDI.
Choose_Wisely 5
96 agreed. made my day
Iheartfunny 1
2 You are right even though he mau have been on top.
1JDub 6
Tell it to Maurey....FYL
tsim_fml 0
Justin Bieber is a ******.
2ndSucks 15
She's stalking you, but you still screwed her? Smart.
chester75 5
I know right! Maybe she got pregnant on purpose to be with you permanently.
MrSassypants 34
I guess Charlie Harper frim Two in a Half men finally decided to write an FML about Rose huh? I really like this alternative ending though.
ohmandapants 17
Seriously. OP, the YDI literally slaps you in the face. Good luck dealing with that crazy bitch while she's ****** up with preggo hormones. NEVER SLEEP WITH YOUR STALKER.
Darwin03 1
I did it. Sometimes you can't help it when u have a sexy stalker. I still talk to mine. The kids 7 now. And not mine:-) get the DNA test. Worth every penny.
cdncw 20
This could also be a case of "crazy chick that invents the pregnancy as soon as she realized that OP wasn't going to be involved with her". I've definitely had it happen. Date a girl for a week or so, realize that she's completely nuts, GTFO, get the text a month or two later claiming pregnancy. Don't worry OP, she'll "have a miscarriage" in another month or, two looking for more sympathy, when the "pregnancy" didn't get her the attention she wanted.
mom2pen 4
Condoms, use them.
whisperingeye13 0
Don't be a dummy cum on her tummy!
xk75 4
And bring your own ... Can't risk a hole poker ...
Wheredidgrungego 12
Don't shoot down south, aim for her mouth!
imcutefml 0
Dont disgrace finish on her face :D
csosa187 1
See, Now she won, good going
white16sox 19
C-c-c- om... Damn he beat me to it.
NotMuchLuck 0
64- COMBO BREAKER
coltsrock37 15
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Sue his ass and cash in on child support. (being irrational here)
mom2pen 4
He's going to be a father. WTF are you saying?
CleverBastard 8
All of your comments suck.
KiddNYC1O 22
Your suggestions are weird.
TheiMightyKhaL 2
Read the story again.
Ranimal 12
You've failed at life.
koolkat27 13
43- you look like a stoned Justin beiber.
SouthernKiller 4
Lame
Ranimal 12
I was born before him therefore a stoned Justin Bieber looks like me.
lostintime94 5
Lol you kinda do look like a stoned Justin beiber... I mean Justin beiber looks like a stoned you?
smiley99114 0
The colts suck for one and can you not read?!
BIGBOY4rmAHM 19
And you didn't see this coming why?
firefail1031 0
If she's a stage five she could be lying to get you back with her... Happens all the time. However if she is pregnant, it probably is yours considering she's clinging to you and noone else. Good luck with that... Don't be a fool wrap your tool
FriscoKidz 10
Rule número uno: You should not engage in sexual intercourse with your stalker. Now you know. Ask for a maternity test, or man up and raise the kid.
MizzErikaHart 8
Maternity test lol.
FriscoKidz 10
Ahh I see my mistake. I meant paternity.. I guess now everyone can take a turn throwing rocks at me.
zombicidal 11
doctor: "on the upside sir you are most definitly NOT the mother of this child"
omegaxen 0
We all make mistakes like that sometimes.... Like when I said prostitution instead of restitution in a speech to about 80 middle schoolers lol
emmalovely1221 4
hahaha awhh. simple mistake!
youngbuck10 9
Wrap it before you tap it, smarty.
Tarak_fml 7
It's a trap! (in star wars voice)
hawaiianfire 0
Nope.... Just chuck testa
Chiefbig8237 1
Nation? :D