Today, a month after my final bout of intimacy with the stage five clinger who's been borderline stalking me since high school, she called to tell me I'm going to be a father. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was told that I will be a father in 2 months. I had a one night stand about 7 months ago. FML
Today, I saw my girlfriend after 10 months of being away. She was pregnant. She actually had the brass balls to tell me I needed to "Man up and be this child's father." Get the fuck out, you cheating whore. FML
Today, my fiancé told me his ex-wife was 5 weeks pregnant. I was happy for her, and glad she had finally moved on. Until I found out who the father was. They're moving back in together, for the baby's sake. FML
Today, ten years after getting my college girlfriend pregnant and leaving because I wasn't ready, I reached out to her and told her I'm ready to be a father. Apparently my son "already has a father in his life" and "doesn't need me." She laughed at me when I threatened to sue for custody, and hung up. FML
Today, I found out that I'm pregnant. I also found out that the dad has a fiancée. FML
Today, there were a few loud and annoying kids running around my store. My coworker and I started talking. I jokingly stated, "Yeah, kids ruin everything." But before I could get out, "God knows I'm not ready to be a dad," my phone rang. It was my one night stand. I'm going to be a daddy. FML
Today, my fiancée, who believes in "sex after marriage" like me, told me she was pregnant. FML
Today, I called my ex and told him I was pregnant with his child. He was thrilled, going on and on about how much he wanted to be a dad. I had to tell him I was going to abort it. FML
Today, I found out that, after a year of separation, my ex-wife is pregnant and due in a few months. The divorce became official a few weeks ago and the father is my former best friend. FML
Today, I've hated being a parent ever since I was baby-trapped at 17, but I stuck through it and never let my son suspect how I really felt, and we have a great relationship now he’s an adult. Well he just moved out yesterday, and today my wife told me she’s pregnant. Here we fucking go again. FML
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Top comments
2ndSucks 15
She's stalking you, but you still screwed her? Smart.
Fx13mz 7
Dude, you ****** up. =/
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Comments (207)
jonnyroscoe 3
Wasn't this on Maury?
KnucklesDeep 5
You are a stage five moron.
bubo_fml 11
U Mother ******!!
reginal 9
It's your own fault for sleeping with her
Igor_g5 0
Well if you did her...
disney_blonde 16
Why would you sleep with someone who's been stalking you? Just because she spreads her legs doesn't mean you need to stick your dick in her. Have some restraint!
capnbzarr 43
If you don't want to get your girl pregnant, use protection every time. If you don't want to get your stalker pregnant, use a restraining order every time, and burn your used condoms.
wittygirl 8
Haha sounds like a personal problem to me xD
metallicshadow 16
maury show
bigguyonfire 0
Dam did you get the DNA test done?