By Jaymail - 17/5/2020 17:00

You snooze, you lose

Today, I saw some really nice dining room chairs sitting out on the curb waiting for the garbage man. I went to the door to ask the owners why they were throwing them out. They told me it was because they had just bought new furniture. While I was talking to the owner, somebody else picked them up. FML

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Deep-seated resentment

Alexa, play "Leave Me Alone" by New Order

Not a cheating!

By Anonymous - 4/3/2012 07:07 - United States

Today, things were getting heated with my boyfriend and I told him that I was finally ready to lose my virginity. Clearly he couldn't wait to get started because he fell asleep. FML

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By beemove - 28/12/2013 21:19 - United States - Kirkland

Today, I took an extra xanax to help with my anxiety, then went to sleep. I guess it was probably too much, because I woke up a few hours later, freaking out and panicking because I was convinced I was a bee trapped in a human body. FML

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By Tristan - 30/7/2020 02:01

Send message

Today, while messaging a possible new hire to set up an interview at my retail job, I meant to say, "Thank you for being flexible" - in regards to scheduling. Instead, it autocorrected to, "Thank you for being delicious." FML

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By Tylerdirdin84 - 28/7/2019 20:00

Today, I had to give a massage to my ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend as they got a couples’ massage. FML

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By footbloodfountain - 15/1/2012 10:53 - Canada

Today, I realized why buying clear pins for the wall is a bad idea. If one falls out, you won't be able to see it with your eyes, but your foot will find it just fine. I also learnt foot wounds can produce a pretty significant geyser of blood. FML

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By naomids - 30/12/2011 00:29 - United States

Today, my mom asked me to help pick out clothes for my grandma to wear in her casket. I didn't know she'd died. FML

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By stillhungry - 27/6/2015 18:37 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend called me while I was at work. He sounded very excited and told me he had a surprise for me. He doesn't usually do this kind of thing, so I was excited. When I came home, I found him naked, with "Bone Appetite" written right above his penis. FML

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By stranded - 19/5/2011 11:46 - United States

Today, my car ran out of gas. I was 20 feet away from the gas pump and the only person I could ask for help was the attendant, who'd asked me out a week ago. I'd said no, and so did he. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/1/2010 10:29 - United States

Today, I thought my family would like it if I celebrated the new year with them. My brother thought that I'd like him to shoot my butt with his new gun in celebration. FML

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By MyChemicalRomantic - 31/3/2020 02:00

Not that handy

Today, I found out that I can never go to my local cinema again. Not just because of the current lockdown, no. The guy I gave an embarrassing, drunken hand job at a party to works there. FML

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By Humbug - 27/12/2010 00:34 - United States

Today, I checked my email after a week of no cell reception or internet while I was stuck at a family holiday cottage. There was an email offering me the RA job I've been trying to get for almost a year, telling me congratulations and to reply by Friday if I accepted. Last Friday. FML

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By feeling fed up - 25/4/2017 17:00 - United Kingdom - Dundee

Today, I spent hundreds of pounds buying my best friend concert tickets to see our favourite band, complete with a meet and greet. I drove over very excited to pick her up to take her. She had already left. With her boyfriend. FML

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By sally - 4/11/2018 12:00

Today, my son watched some ridiculous Japanese cartoon about shokugeki cooking and is convinced he's the greatest cook ever by copying what happens in the show. He set fire to my frying pan, panicked, and dumped it in the ceramic sink, which cracked from the heat and flooded my kitchen. FML

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By Lauren - 8/9/2010 23:13 - Australia

Today, a little girl asked me how I could be so fat and still have small boobs. Great question. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2017 14:30

Today, I was in the kitchen with my mother putting up the dishes. I went to stand up from putting a pot in a lower cabinet and hit my head on the upper cabinet she left open by accident. Hello concussion number nine. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2012 02:05 - United States - La Grange

Horndog

Today, I had to bail my boyfriend out of jail. He got arrested because he was tugging his man-meat in the drive-thru at a McDonald's. FML

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By Des - 11/5/2019 18:00

Today, it’s been 3 weeks since I had an interview for an internship this summer. I’ve applied to over 40 internships over the past 6 months, and this was the only interview I’ve had. I banked my entire summer on this. FML

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By BurnedByAWaiter - 24/5/2011 13:59

Today, I went on a blind date at a fancy restaurant. My date was running a bit late, so I went ahead and got a table. I got bored, so I decided to ask my waiter how I looked. He stood there, then said that "it's against company policy to mock customers to their face." FML

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By Larry - 31/1/2009 18:20 - United States

Today, I am sick with a cold and I go to the most important interview of my life. A giant glob of wet snot comes out of my nose when I am expressing my desire to join their team. FML

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By Henry - 13/10/2019 13:00

How is that fair?

Today, I was promoted as an auditor at an insurance company. After finding 9 compliance violations and over $15,000 returned incorrectly, I reported them to my manager. She blamed me for all the mistakes and fired me. These mistakes happened two years before I was employed with the company. FML

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By Username - 16/6/2011 13:20 - United States

Today, my son invited his girlfriend over to our house just to break up with her. Then he asked me to drive her home. So I was then stuck in a car with a bawling teenage girl who lived over twenty minutes away. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2019 14:05

Today, I finally hit rock bottom when I broke down in tears because I forgot to feed my cats in Neko Atsume. FML

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By KiDCuSHi - 20/8/2011 04:58 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend sexted me for the first time in months. Half way through reading it I was getting kind of hot. Then I found a spelling mistake and all I could think to do was correct her. She won't talk to me. FML

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By JacktheRussian - 8/4/2013 00:33 - United States

Today, I saw a very attractive young woman struggling with some boxes. The seduction attempt resulted in me carrying 60lbs of items for 30mins. When we got to her apartment, she thanked me and introduced me to her boyfriend. FML

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By Too available to be sexy - 4/5/2019 20:00

Today, during foreplay, my husband asked if I found him sexually attractive. When I asked him back, after a yes, he was silent for two minutes then went into a ten-minute philosophical discussion on the nature of attractiveness. He would find me more attractive if I wasn't his wife. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2016 08:09 - United States - Redding

Today, I found out that someone I once babysat got a girlfriend before I did. FML

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By PatientInWaiting - 19/3/2012 10:37 - United States

Today, I had a conversation with another patient in my gyno's waiting room. It was about her getting pregnant in a truck while passed out drunk, her therapist's frequent use of a "For Dummies" books, and how she had waxed and oiled everything to impress our doctor. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2015 06:59 - United States - Wittenberg

Today, my older brother offered me a cigarette. I took it and barely took a drag before he socked me in the arm and lectured me for taking the offer. He's an alcoholic, and smokes daily. FML

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By Fitz - 12/4/2009 13:53 - United States

Today, a woman drove through my house. She was texting and eating watermelon at the same time. I didn't know that was even possible, but now my house is condemned. FML

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By rice_cake - 22/5/2009 10:52 - Australia

Today, I was sitting at a bus stop and a guy stops in front of me and says "Oh very nice. How much?" I reply "You couldn't afford me." An old guy sitting next to me says "I bet I could" and puts his hand on my leg. I forfeited the bus and walked home in the rain. FML

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By annoyed - 24/9/2017 01:30

Today, I received an email from my insurance company about a claim that happened over a month ago when I hit someone from behind. I was very apologetic and stated it was my fault, and now they're trying to claim replacement vehicle costs. I was going under 10mph and their car only had a scratch. FML

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By asdfas - 18/9/2009 23:28 - United States

Today, I was at work and my mother texted me. The text read, "You take a nice picture." To which I responded, "what picture?" I then got a reply saying, "The one on your speeding ticket showing you going 73 in a 55 mph zone. You are even smiling." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2020 01:56

Keys, how do they work?

Today, I had to call a locksmith because I got locked out of my apartment. It cost a total of $350 to break in and repair the lock. Not even 3 hours later, I dropped my only key in the sewer. FML

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By quiet_screaming_ - 1/7/2015 02:21 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, I learned I don't have a yeast infection. I have herpes. FML

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By HALIFAAA - 28/12/2015 13:56 - Germany - Braunschweig

Today, my boss sent me a Word document that he wanted me to make into a PowerPoint presentation for him. It was a set of proposals for the board of directors about cost-saving options. The third option was to eliminate my position in the company. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/4/2009 17:10 - United States

Today, I was crocheting while watching television, and thinking to myself how proud I was that I taught myself to crochet. Then, an episode of Golden Girls came on, and I watched that while I crocheted. I'm 24. FML

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By goldie09 - 18/2/2010 17:36 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I were fooling around in bed, when suddenly, he turned to me and started playing with my breasts as if they were turn tables and he was the DJ. FML

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By forgottendaughter - 17/1/2010 14:41 - South Africa

Today, my father asked me to never contact him again. The reason? His "new" family doesn't know I exist and explaining that he has a 28 year old daughter to his wife and his other children would be "awkward". I have siblings that I will never meet. FML

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By Ditzyfitzy - 9/1/2019 14:00

Today, after spending 2 years saving for my flights, I was denied boarding due to issues with my passport. I heading straight to the embassy only to be told a replacement will take 8 days. The airline will only hold my place for 7. FML

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By Jordan - 29/5/2009 13:15 - United States

Today, my friend paypal'd me some money to tide me over until my school loans come through. For a transaction description, he wrote "to get back in that pussy game." It got red flagged, and I had to talk with three female customer service agents before it went through. FML

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Top comments

By Kraths | 16

#7906897 - Sunday 17 May 2020 19:32

Props for asking. I don't know where you live, but everywhere I have lived has an unspoken rule that if it's even remotely in the same time zone as the trashcan than it's fair game

By DarkAngelsBlade | 24

#7906961 - Monday 18 May 2020 4:09

I’d have put them on my vehicle and then asked if I was that curious lol

COMMENTS

By Kraths | 16

#7906897 - Sunday 17 May 2020 19:32

Props for asking. I don't know where you live, but everywhere I have lived has an unspoken rule that if it's even remotely in the same time zone as the trashcan than it's fair game

By DarkAngelsBlade | 24

#7906961 - Monday 18 May 2020 4:09

I’d have put them on my vehicle and then asked if I was that curious lol

By idris red | 6

#7907247 - Tuesday 19 May 2020 10:24

you are not fast enough

By Slim87R | 6

#7907418 - Wednesday 20 May 2020 2:26

This could have gone either way. Could have been roach infested or something, then instead of an FML you would have dodged a bullet. Timing was bad this time around, but you made the right call to ask about it.

By sickerthanyou | 13

#7908555 - Sunday 24 May 2020 20:54

You should have yelled at that person “people were murdered while they were sitting on those chairs” and watch the other person dump the chairs and run away