By Boredstoner420 - 14/3/2020 21:00

You give me fever

Today, I got way too bored and stoned, so I created a Tinder profile named "Covid" with a picture of the Coronavirus and a funny description. I'd never had so many matches. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1127

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Triage

Fire hydrant

Litter

By Harejordan - United States

Today, I was driving and stopped behind a person at a stop sign. Their car didn't move for about 1 minute. I got out of my car yelling at the person. It was an old woman. She wasn't breathing. FML

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20079

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36295

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By tbanana95 - United States

Today, I got my crush's phone number. I started texting him and once I told him who it was, he stopped replying. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30996

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10971

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By littleman - United States

Today, I realized I'm too short to use the urinals at work. FML

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31343

You deserved it

2969

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By CooBerry3851 - United States

Today, I went over to my friend's house. After knocking on the door, I was greeted by her hairy, 300+ pounds father in his underwear. He then hugged me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33614

You deserved it

3221

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By irishbitch

Today, I went to go see my boyfriend of over two years in a play. I knew that he'd be kissing his female opposite at the end of the show and I was okay with that. I snuck into his dressing room at intermission to find him "rehearsing" with her half naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47737

You deserved it

3371

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Guayanilla

Today, I had a serious talk with my boyfriend about our relationship troubles. He stopped me in the middle of a sentence with a huge fart. FML

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25235

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4360

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By frustrated - Australia

Today, I discovered that just because I get unwanted erections on an hourly basis throughout the day, it doesn't mean that I can get required erections in the night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23487

You deserved it

2577

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By nobabies

Today, I attended my husband's holiday brunch at a company I also used to work for. I was excited to see former coworkers until one raced up, grabbed my belly, and in front of a crowded room, exclaimed, "You're pregnant!" Nope, just older and a bit fatter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4151

You deserved it

449

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to the phone store to get a new SIM card. The store manager went on my browser to see if my data was working. Two pages of porn popped up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1463

You deserved it

4437

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By clementine8 - United States

Today, my Mom came to pay me a short visit at college. She handed me some flowers, which were a Valentine's Day gift, because she "figured I wouldn't be getting any from anyone else this year." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34425

You deserved it

2762

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By Anonyme - France

Today, I peeked through my window and trained a pair of binoculars on my neighbour's house. Every night without fail, he ends up standing in front of his window topless to flex his muscles. This time, I was surprised to instead find a note taped to the window saying, "Sorry, I'm out tonight." FML

I agree, your life sucks

12948

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83690

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By mikeyamazing - France

Today, feeling festive, I sent everyone on my phone's contact list a holiday message. Almost everyone replied back "who's this?" FML

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31393

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4773

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By Anonymous

Today, my mother-in-law told me to "just wait" until she gets home from her trip, because apparently, taking a vacation with her partner is more important than the birth of her first grandchild. Contractions started a few hours ago. Part of me hopes she misses it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2057

You deserved it

195

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By Anonymous - United States - Tampa

Today, I was walking home, when I saw a homeless man trying to tear the wallet out of another guy's hand. I can't stand bums, so I smacked him across the jaw. That's when the other one kneed me in the balls and made off with my wallet as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12778

You deserved it

43077

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By fu2then - Canada

Today, I ran into my manipulative ex-boyfriend at a party. We were chatting and I mentioned that the guys I have been seeing lately all turn out to be jerks. He says "yeah well you dumped me and don't deserve to be happy." Apparently he has been creeping and scaring off any guys interested in me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35486

You deserved it

4091

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By litup - United States

Today, my drunk boyfriend thought it would be a good idea to light a firework in the back seat of my car while we were driving down the interstate. FML

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45609

You deserved it

6575

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By turriblebday - United States

Today, it was my birthday. My girlfriend took me out to dinner. While at the restaurant, she went to the bathroom. She was then escorted out of the restaurant for having sex in said bathroom. I was sitting at our booth the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32687

You deserved it

2569

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By Anonymous

Today, my ex texted me after more than a year of no communication. He wanted to know if I was interested in having a threesome with him and his current fiancée. FML

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28092

You deserved it

2653

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By yeahno - United States

Today, I wore my high school letterman jacket while I was out shopping. A man saw me and muttered to his wife about how sad it is some adults can't grow up and continue to wear their high school paraphernalia, constantly trying to relive their senior year. I am a senior. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31713

You deserved it

2991

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By KamiAzaaaaaa - United Kingdom - London

Today, I found out my credit card was maxed out to the penny, all thanks to purchases made on an online wine store. Apparently my mother was thirsty enough to steal from her own son. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23676

You deserved it

1535

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By .. - United States

Today, I was in a hurry to get something out of the oven, so I quickly grabbed my roommate's only oven mitt and grabbed the pan in the oven. It didn't take long to figure out there was a hole in it when my thumb hit the hot pan. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27139

You deserved it

4096

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By Ned - United States

Today, I woke up in my bunkbed because I thought I was experiencing my first earthquake ever. I jumped out of bed and found that it was just my roomate masturbating in the bottom bunk. It was 6am. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48356

You deserved it

3855

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By Good morning to you all

Today, since my dad decided he's tired of not being completely comfortable in his own home, he now wears only a knee-length robe without underwear so he can "really enjoy the breeze". I've seen more balls in a few days than a pro baseball player does his entire career. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3715

You deserved it

387

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By meesa in big doo do dis time!

Today, I learned that all of my "friends" refer to me as the, "Jar Jar Binks" of our circle of friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3450

You deserved it

448

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By thoughtitwasspecial - United States

Today, I found a link to a porn website on my boyfriend's computer. A bit jealous, I asked why it was there. He told me that he thought thinking of me might get boring. FML

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29427

You deserved it

20649

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By pixiebubz - Australia

Today, I told my boyfriend I had an appointment for laser hair removal. He responded by making "pew pew" noises and pretending to shoot my underarms. He's 28. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15871

You deserved it

29310

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By ToiletTroubles - United Kingdom

Today, I was taking some clothes downstairs to wash, when my mum stopped me. She accused me of sleeping around and trying to hide something, since she did the washing yesterday. She made me admit in front of the whole family that I'd been "surprised" by a case of diarrhea. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44981

You deserved it

3108

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By Anonymous

Today, I put a magnet on my brand new car. I got rear-ended by someone who was trying to read it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3101

You deserved it

826

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my neighbor and I learned why fireworks are illegal in city limits. This lesson was learned shortly after a roman candle came crashing through my second story window. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28165

You deserved it

8026

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By Frenchie - United States - Belleville

Today, in French class we had to write love letters as an exercise. Since my boyfriend recently broke up with me by text message, I ended up writing a 20-sentence love letter in French to my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47485

You deserved it

4300

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By TetrisMaster - Australia

Today, I discovered that my heart rate is higher while playing Tetris than it is during sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42466

You deserved it

6440

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By lindsey789 - United States

Today, I was sitting in my room watching TV when I heard my mother obnoxiously yelling for the dog. Minutes later she stomped into my room, swatted me over the head, and yelled at me for not answering when she called. She actually got my name mixed up with the dog's. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38670

You deserved it

3019

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By Greg

Today, I arrived to apply for my much-needed dream job. Without warning, just as the elevator opened, a complete stranger kicked me square in the nads. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2487

You deserved it

209

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By Snufflopagus - United States - Lynnwood

Today, my boyfriend told me that sometimes my nipples taste like onions. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52273

You deserved it

10530

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By nanuka_g - United States

Today, I went to the movies. Two teenagers behind me had already seen the picture once and shared the entire plot with their friend during first 10 minutes. The finale was intended to be a great twist and I knew it from the very beginning. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33397

You deserved it

3463

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By Nobody - United States

Today, my best friend was doing my hair. She got frustrated and exclaimed, "It won't stay!" I replied with, "Just like your mom!" It was then that I remembered her mom had just left her dad and moved out of the house to be with someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10155

You deserved it

58311

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By blck - United States

Today, my girlfriend tried to clean out the fireplace with a vacuum cleaner, she sucked up a bunch of embers which set the vacuum on fire. After a crying for a bit, she went back to finish cleaning up only to find that some embers she dumped in a bucket melted through and set part of the carpet on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25571

You deserved it

3897

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while I was washing my hands, I sneezed so hard that I smacked my head against the faucet. I now have a lump the size of a goose egg on my head. I'm not sure if it's going to hatch, or if that's just the brain damage talking. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24608

You deserved it

3702

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By julieseattle

Hyperviolence

Today, I was at a restaurant waiting for a table. Some lady walked by, smelling like BO and patchouli oil. I attempted to cover my nose with my sweatshirt, but I thumped a small girl in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1258

You deserved it

299

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By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I had to choke back tears as my cockslap of a brother brutally mocked me for being a 25-year-old loser who's never been kissed by a girl, while at 14 he's already lost his virginity. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31059

You deserved it

4625

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Top comments

By bloopaloop | 27

#7889615 - Saturday 14 March 2020 21:31

155,000 and counting, way to go!

By rgkkk | 15

#7889619 - Saturday 14 March 2020 22:32

Some people literally died laughing

COMMENTS

By bloopaloop | 27

#7889615 - Saturday 14 March 2020 21:31

155,000 and counting, way to go!

By rgkkk | 15

#7889619 - Saturday 14 March 2020 22:32

Some people literally died laughing

By WistayShlaio82 | 13

#7889624 - Sunday 15 March 2020 0:58

Wow, lots of crazy people

By RichardPencil | 29

#7889645 - Sunday 15 March 2020 4:55

So, you're less attractive than pneumonia?

By Marcella1016 | 30

#7889667 - Sunday 15 March 2020 8:03

So I’m curious what the description was lol

By RichardPencil | 29

#7889780 - Sunday 15 March 2020 17:39

On one dating site, I made a fake account named LeaveMeTheF_Alone and claimed to be a 3'6" woman weighing over 300 lbs and having no pics. I had many more hits than with my actual account as a male. The thirst is real.

By icecreamisrad | 13

#7891941 - Tuesday 24 March 2020 14:29

You are a fucking moron