Who's been a naughty girl?

By one cock too many - 04/08/2020 05:02

Today, I found out I’m the guy whose wife made adult films in college. Although embarrassed, I thought I may be able to get past it. Except for the fact that we dated in college, and she insisted we wait until after we were married to have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 453

You deserved it 338

Broken heart

Shoulda, woulda, coulda

Bro, do you even lift?

By poorchild - 23/11/2011 06:02 - United States

Today, I had to bail both my parents out of jail. They'd thought it would be fun to go streaking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 058

You deserved it 2 897

Totally? Really?

By honk honk, fuckwad - 06/11/2015 22:39 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had a dream where I was giving Justin Bieber a blowjob. I'm a totally straight male. I have half a mind to bill the little bastard for therapy sessions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 855

You deserved it 5 931

Fucknut

By pikapikafuckyou! - 19/07/2020 08:01

Today, my overly religious fucknut of a cousin called me, ranting about my daughter trying to corrupt hers. They were chatting on a kids' messenger app when my 5-year-old sent her 7-year-old a Pokémon sticker. Apparently, Pokémon in satanic and we ought to know better. Now she won’t let them talk to us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 781

You deserved it 148

By Maxime - 20/11/2008 10:19 - France

Today, after making love to my girlfriend, I realised that the phone was on the bed and because of the movements, it called my dad by itself. It went to voicemail. My dad will soon have all the details. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 796

You deserved it 9 796

By wardsl195 - 30/12/2015 05:55 - United States - Seaford

Today, a guy came to install a modem in my apartment. He needed to get to the jack behind my TV stand, so I helped him move it. Once the stand was moved, I saw a used condom that was hidden underneath. My cat must have pulled it out of my garbage weeks ago. There's no way the guy didn't see it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 360

You deserved it 3 781

By Evjoel - 28/06/2016 10:34 - Bermuda - Hamilton

Today, whilst making a cake for my kids, I accidentally got some cocoa powder in my nose. Now it feels like my nose is burning stronger than the fires of hell. On the bright side, everything smells like chocolate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 594

You deserved it 1 082

By Anonymous - 05/07/2009 05:59 - United States

Today, I was walking around town with the girl I have loved for four years and have been 100% faithful to. A girl thought it would be funny to approach me and pretend she was the girl I was seeing, and that I was cheating on her. My girlfriend believed her and broke up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 83 731

You deserved it 4 589

By G - 08/10/2011 17:03 - United States

Today, my dad came to confiscate my phone. I stuck it in between my boobs so he wouldn't be able to see it. He said, "Honey, your breasts aren't big enough to hide that." FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 713

You deserved it 45 028

By Mnm54312 - 04/07/2016 07:19 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I moved into a new apartment. While moving boxes, I ran into my supervisor from work. Guess who lives across the hall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 066

You deserved it 923

That'll be Kevin in accounting

By Jason McGinnis - 22/09/2020 16:51 - Canada - Brampton

Today, just like every other day, my company is so dysfunctional that local food chains require us to pay cash up front for our catering, because we routinely take 6 months or more to pay for a chicken sandwich. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 106

You deserved it 178

A Tale of Two Nutritionists

By Christin Deason - 08/09/2019 22:00

Today, a friend criticized my detox method, calling it "unhealthy and unsafe." Recently, she made a post bragging about her dieting method, which is also very unhealthy and unsafe. I told her she was being a hypocrite. She unfriended and blocked me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 268

You deserved it 365

By Anonymous - 20/10/2010 07:00 - United States

Today, I met my roommate for the first time. I walked in the door to see him in full Roman gladiator gear, screaming at the computer because he lost 18 knights. He also told me he wakes up every 3 hours to make sure his army is still intact. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 266

You deserved it 3 504

Property law

By wtf dad - 22/07/2020 23:00

Today, I asked my boyfriend, who’s a massage therapist, if he could help my mom with her chronic migraines by massaging her head and neck. My dad came home, saw them in the dimly lit room and knocked my boyfriend out cold for "touching his woman." My boyfriend dumped me and wants my dad arrested. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 285

You deserved it 573

Went a bit too far, Sigmund

By notatherapist - 01/10/2014 23:08 - Netherlands - Huizen

Today, my boyfriend and I were roleplaying therapist and patient in bed. When I playfully asked him what bothered him, he told me his mother hates him and burst into tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 400

You deserved it 6 297

By samsterling - 13/03/2016 22:30 - United States - Blacksburg

Today, I paid $500 for a gym membership after moving into a brand new house, since 12 years of software development has taken its toll. When I told my instructor about my goal to lose 35lbs in two months, he simply said, "Yeah... That's not going to happen. Try another gym," and left promptly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 300

You deserved it 4 162

Not invited, I guess

By Marion - 14/10/2020 20:01 - United States - Portland

Today, I was talking to a coworker about gender reveal parties, and how dumb and dangerous they're becoming. A nearby coworker then burst into tears and ran out. It appears that she's having one this weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 053

You deserved it 473

By so_screwed - 25/09/2013 06:59 - United States - Salinas

Today, my one-night stand decided he wanted to meet my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 436

You deserved it 13 857

By Matt - 05/10/2011 10:49 - Australia

Today, I finished a website that I have been working on for ages for a friend. He tried to repay me by offering to teach me to play table tennis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 610

You deserved it 4 185

By Anonymous - 16/11/2009 18:14 - Canada

Today, my sister was playing a rock star in a play. When she got home, she told me she used one of my old guitars, because I told her it was ok. I said she could take one to practice on, not destroy on stage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 989

You deserved it 4 025

By Amanda - 26/11/2013 20:00 - United States

Today, my ex's mom got a job as our new soccer coach and recognized me from our New Year's party last year. She made me, and me alone, do 10 laps around the field in the rain for breaking her son's heart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 260

You deserved it 12 661

Das wat u get hoomin

By Ray - 13/08/2017 17:15 - United States

Today, we took my cat to get her shots. She screeched and clamored in the car until I took her out of the carrier and held her in my lap...where she immediately pooped on my new white pants and then hid under the seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 058

You deserved it 2 374

By fmylyfe - 09/11/2013 14:15 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, while working at Chipotle, a teenage girl asked in all seriousness if she "could have a steak burrito, but with like, chicken instead?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 844

You deserved it 3 951

By andrie09 - 07/07/2009 22:18 - United States

Today, my mom told me I was a bad daughter because I didn't get anything for my parents' anniversary. I just sent my brother a check for $400 for my share of their gift. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 252

You deserved it 3 060

By rita - 15/04/2018 19:00

Today, my 10-year-old daughter hid in her closet all day and did not come out. The reason? She didn't want to eat my pot roast. I didn't realize my cooking was that bad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 750

You deserved it 746

By Anonymous - 26/08/2019 14:00

Today, I went through my purse to see where my keys were. I found my house keys, but not my car keys, so I freaked out. When I remembered that I was driving, I felt stupid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 606

You deserved it 1 669

It's been a while

By Anonymous - 03/10/2021 05:00 - United States - Perkasie

Today, I finally had someone else touch my man parts. It was my doctor, checking for testicular cancer and a hernia, as part of my yearly physical. He's the only person other than myself to touch my junk in the last 4 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 936

You deserved it 186

By Rapunzel - 18/03/2012 20:02 - United States - Tucson

Today, I watched as my step-dad put locks on my window, because he's convinced that I've been sneaking out at night. All my mom did was casually remark that I'm fucked if there's ever a fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 036

You deserved it 3 052

By anon - 16/01/2016 23:15 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, I slept with my deputy manager. He slept with my insane jealous housemate months ago. I need to find a new job and a new flat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 725

You deserved it 21 062

By Anonymous - 14/04/2012 11:10 - Egypt - Cairo

Today, my parents invited my Muslim boyfriend over for dinner for the first time. My mother made sure that everything including the salad had pork in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 459

You deserved it 7 453

By Unknown - 15/11/2009 05:21 - United States

Today, I decided to wear a tight, long-sleeved shirt that showed off my body. As I was trying to roll up my sleeves, I realized how tight this shirt really was. It wouldn't budge past my elbow and I tugged to hard I ended up punching myself in the eye. I now have a swollen, black and blue eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 632

You deserved it 36 855

Thanks Boris!

By Ella - 15/01/2021 01:01 - United Kingdom

Today, after Boris made his Monday night lockdown announcement, my husband announced that no way can he handle another lockdown stuck in the house with me and two teenagers, so he drove all night to our static caravan and insists he’s staying there alone until lockdown is over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 835

You deserved it 163

You had to ask

By Bryan - 30/09/2020 17:01 - United States

Today, I was working out with my trainer. A question popped up in my mind, so I asked if she had to deal with fat people a lot. She then responded, "I'm working with you, aren't I?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 494

You deserved it 1 347

By Nearly blind - 07/10/2018 17:30

Today, I forgot my contact solution and used my sister's. When I put them in, my eyes burnt like hell. Apparently my sister has a new solution that is acidic and only gets neutralized after 12 hours in a special container. The warning is on the INSIDE of the bottle label. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 837

You deserved it 575

By ouch - 01/09/2010 13:50 - Belgium

Today, I was in the airport after saying goodbye to my boyfriend who left for three months. Walking back to my car, I saw a young couple kissing passionately. If that wasn't bad enough, the guy then picked his girlfriend up, spun her round in the air and her foot kicked me square in the jaw. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 269

You deserved it 4 175

By usadisvet - 02/04/2015 06:43 - United States - Loudon

Today, at the DMV I was told I had to prove, with a doctor's note, that I was an amputee and my disability was permanent to get my placard. Apparently, setting my prosthetic leg on the counter wasn't proof enough, and is considered "threatening". The police were called. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 055

You deserved it 2 605

Awkward

By Anonymous - 29/03/2021 00:30

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to cuddle as we usually do. To prepare for this, the first thing I always do is dive into bed. This time, I felt something squishy under the covers, and screamed when I saw it was a Fleshlight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 535

You deserved it 798

By SirPimPim - 14/06/2010 14:32 - Sweden

Today, it was a long queue at the store, and behind me were two senior citizens. I wanted to do a good deed, and said: "Cut before me in line, I have all the time in the world." My reward? The old man scolded me because I supposedly insinuated that they were old, and only had a short time left to live. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 351

You deserved it 13 405

By Username - 26/07/2010 02:32 - France

Today, I had been sick all day, so to cheer me up my dad drove me to get ice cream. On our way back, we hit a puppy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 184

You deserved it 4 873

By for the whored - 18/12/2015 20:46 - United States - Corpus Christi

Today, I was listening to music on my phone and reading posts on here. I laughed hysterically at one, then noticed my parents shooting me outraged looks. Turned out I laughed while a news reporter was talking about a brutal rape that just happened in our city. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 039

You deserved it 3 204

By resurrected - 04/09/2013 15:59 - United Kingdom - Worthing

Today, I collected my new timetable at college only to find I've been dropped from all my classes. I've been listed as deceased. I'm definitely not dead and have no idea how I supposedly died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 027

You deserved it 2 970

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Top comments

Bendegit 4

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Tuesday 4 August 2020 6:19

Sex for work, and sex with someone she actually cares about appear to be two totally separate things for her.

Bogrbon 24

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Tuesday 4 August 2020 20:42

It's hard to tell what specifically happened from a 240 character blurb. We don't know if she was doing adult films while they dated, or if she had stopped and had a change of heart, and was trying to put things straight in her life. Still, this is a major thing to keep hidden and lie about. Moreover, if she was filming adult films while they were dating, it's a pretty strong betrayal on top of the lies. I guess you have to examine your feelings and the situation and decide 1. if you still want to be in the relationship at all, and 2. if you think you can get by the issues and come to trust your wife again. If you think you can, I'd definitely get some counseling (individually and as a couple, because you need to work through some of it on your own too.) If you're not okay with it, and especially if it was going on while you were together, that's a legitimate reason to get divorced.

mcsmee 6

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Tuesday 4 August 2020 5:27

On the bright side, you get to have porn star sex now.

galvinizd 7

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Thursday 6 August 2020 4:22

that ain't gonna happen.

Bendegit 4

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Tuesday 4 August 2020 6:19

Sex for work, and sex with someone she actually cares about appear to be two totally separate things for her.

galvinizd 7

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Thursday 6 August 2020 4:22

said every cheating husband...

RichardPencil 30

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Tuesday 4 August 2020 6:23

She didn't want to bring her work home. The old Busman's Holiday!

Marcella1016 31

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Tuesday 4 August 2020 6:57

In addition to what the other people said, she probably also wanted to protect you. She didn’t want to “bring” anything from work to you. It’s great that she waited until she was absolutely sure she was STD free - ie your wedding night, with her porn life behind her - before she did anything with you. Although on the other hand, it does suck that she was apparently doing this while dating you. But she tried to protect you, and that’s something, and it seems like you’re happily married now, and that’s great :)

Tristan Nichols 8

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Wednesday 5 August 2020 0:11

She was cheating

princess_stabitty 19

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Tuesday 4 August 2020 7:40

She probably just didn't want you to know she's way too good at sex as someone who wants to have sex only after wedding can be.

Matthew Smith 13

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Tuesday 4 August 2020 7:57

Do you think painters come home and start painting...

Jonkbaby 21

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Tuesday 4 August 2020 12:22

Just means she wanted to make sure what you and her have was special

UbuntuElphie 15

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Tuesday 4 August 2020 13:39

Does she give good head? Then STFU and enjoy her wealth of experience. Just accept the fact that you're probably not the biggest dick she's ever had... unless we're defining dick the other way, then maybe you are. Seriously, get over yourself. I think this is more a FHL for having to put up with your bruised ego.

fireblazes 11

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Tuesday 4 August 2020 17:23

My ex-wife once told me, I was the only guy she ever said no to.

millsjoshua949 12

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Tuesday 4 August 2020 19:33

You might be able to get past it? You sound extremely judgemental.

JackFaire 27

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Sunday 9 August 2020 6:07

Normally I'd agree if it was "Hey honey before we got together I was a porn star" sure get the hell over it dude. And any guy going "maybe I can get past it" would sound pretty judgmental. But this is him finding out that while they were actively dating she was having sex with all of these other guys. We live in a society that defines that as cheating and has raised him to equate that with cheating. It's understandable that he'd have to re-evaluate his feelings on the matter. And so you don't think I'm judgmental personally it's in the past it's not followed up with "and we're doing a reunion movie" then I'd move past it. I wouldn't hold it against someone that had issues doing so though.