Where did you come from?

Today, I found a tick half-buried in my nipple. FML

Today, it took a whole half hour of scratching my head before I realized with horror that the weird tickling sensation I'd been feeling was actually a spider crawling around in my hair. FML

Belly bounce

Today, I learned that a innie belly button does not clean itself. I can't begin to describe the horrors I found, after using tweezers to get thirty years worth of "contents" out from inside me. FML

Today, I woke up to a weird feeling on my face. Thinking it was a bug, I slapped at it. It was my freshly-inserted nose ring. FML

A visitor

Today, I had a walk-in: a tiny tick, crawling through my bathroom window, looking down at me in the shower, wondering whether I might be tasty. The window was closed, by the way. FML

Tasty snack

Today, I was laying out in my backyard trying to get some color when I felt a little tickle on my lips. I rubbed them together to satisfy the itch, when I felt a sort of crunchiness popping between them. I had crushed a spider between my lips and its legs were still moving. FML

Today, I was eating a packet of chips while watching TV. I saw a crumb on the table in front of me, so without thinking I picked it up and ate it. It wasn't a crumb. It was a tick. FML

Today, while resting in bed, I felt a slight tickle on my neck. Thinking it was a cockroach, I panicked and flung it across the bedroom. Turns out it was my brand new necklace, which is now broken into dozens of pieces. FML

Today, I noticed a small bite on my arm. I couldn't figure out what it came from until I saw a small insect crawling out of my bra. FML

Today, while making my daily offering of turd to the porcelain throne, I took out my phone and started playing a game. I suddenly felt a tickling sensation on my leg, and I freaked out as I saw hundreds of ants had emerged from behind the toilet. FML