When you miss your train

Today, a man tried to rob the winery I worked at by knife-point. I managed to scare him off by throwing a bottle of wine at him. My boss fired me because I broke a $25 bottle of wine. FML

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Family values

Workaholic

This is fine

By Anonymous - 4/12/2011 05:19 - United States

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Today, a friend of mine had a Wii party and made everyone into Miis. My Mii had freckles. I don't have freckles. When I commented on it, she said, "Well, there isn't a zit feature." FML

By ZittyMii - 3/7/2010 19:52 - United States

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Today, I found out that I'm pregnant. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for a while, and I was very excited to tell him the news. When I opened his office planning to surprise him with the news, I saw him making out with a man. FML

By soontobedivorced - 19/4/2009 04:05 - United States

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Today, my mother had 'the talk' with me about sex. I spent the entire time confused as to what brought this up, until she mentioned she had found a used condom in the backseat of the car. I haven't had any action in it, and have no idea whose it was. FML

By Anonymous - 12/10/2009 01:28 - United States

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Today, my daughter discovered that her Venus Fly Trap will not eat pieces of ripped-up scrap paper. Also today, I discovered that my daughter can't tell the difference between scrap paper and my monthly paycheck. FML

By Anonymous - 2/8/2012 14:12 - United States - Phoenix

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Today, after being out of the closet for over three years, I learned that some of my friends still don't believe me that I am really a lesbian. They still think I made the whole thing up because I can't get a man. FML

By Just_do_it_17 - 9/5/2011 04:03 - United States

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Today, I thought I was going to my doctor for a yearly check-up. My father had actually tricked me into therapy. FML

By nazooer - 22/3/2012 01:50 - United States

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Today, I was going through airport security. Trying to get things over and done with quickly, I dropped my pants without a second thought. Turns out they just wanted me to remove my shoes and belt. FML

By GothicbunnyxC - 28/1/2012 23:31 - Canada

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Today, I ran downstairs to meet the Amazon driver and threw on a shirt in a rush. Only after he left did I realise it was my shirt with artful rips in the design and I'd forgot to put on a vest under it. I'd flashed the driver my entire right boob with nipple piercing through one of the holes. FML

By Anonymous - 3/6/2020 17:00

Check this out

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Today, I was playing Monopoly with my kids. It was fun, and led to some mock fights. My neighbor, who despises me for being a single mother, used it as an excuse to call the cops on me for "abusing" my kids. They were too confused to do anything but nod at the officer's accusing questions. FML

By Anonymous - 13/7/2013 16:16 - Puerto Rico - San Juan

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Today, a middle-aged woman came into the shoe shop where I work, and asked me to help her put on a pair of boots that were obviously too small. Simultaneously as I knelt down by her feet, she booted me in the face while we tried to get them on. FML

By Anonymous - 22/11/2010 07:32 - Australia

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Today, I was helping my elderly neighbor carry her groceries into her kitchen. When I finished, she sighed and said, "You're such a sweet girl. It's just a shame about your face." FML

By neighbor - 26/1/2014 13:08 - Australia - Mosman

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Today, I was skiing and crashed into a tree. It was the only tree on the slope. FML

By mhogan - 10/3/2020 21:00 - Canada

The Laws of Attraction

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Today, my best friend came over for dinner and a movie. Moments after arriving, she spent an hour on the phone, and ended up accepting another invitation before leaving. I guess it's dinner for one tonight. FML

By Username - 23/1/2011 18:44 - United States

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Today, after living in my new apartment for barely three weeks, I found mice living under my dish washer. When I brought it up to the managers, they said I'd have to pay for an exterminator myself since they weren't there when they cleaned. FML

By Anonymous - 30/12/2016 02:14 - United States - Las Vegas

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Today, I just pulled out of the fast food drive through, only to pull right behind a septic truck. Just as I was about to dig into my food, I noticed it had a handy window about a foot round. I had a stare-down with a turd until I could pass. FML

By Goatbeard - 15/2/2011 17:13 - United States

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Today, I met my boyfriend's parents and everything was going perfectly. He and I even had some time alone upstairs, where I gave him a blowjob. After dinner, his mom helpfully pointed out something stuck in my braces and inspected it for me. It was a pube. FML

By At least she knows I floss - 25/8/2017 14:15 - United States - Pomona

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Today, I got a call from Red Cross about the blood donation I gave last week. They informed me that I have Hepatitis C. FML

By Anonymous - 10/1/2011 00:29 - Serbia

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Today, I was playing competitively for my clan in a tournament. Money is involved, and I was doing quite well until my girlfriend up and turned the PS4 off because I wasn't "paying enough attention" to her, despite being on a holiday with her for the previous 3 days. FML

By Nafypoo - 21/11/2018 22:00

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Today, during my first day as a doctor’s intern, I attended a consultation. The embarrassed patient asked me to leave. Not really knowing my way around, I went through the first door I could find. By the time I realized it was a closet, I didn’t dare come back out. Twenty minutes is a long time to wait. FML

By bibou2324 - 18/4/2012 20:41

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Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I was unsuccessful at a job interview, and she didn't want to be with someone who "has no future". She's unemployed too. FML

By man2 - 23/9/2010 11:18 - Ireland

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Today, I had to come up with a new rule for my library's patrons: If you, your child, or your dog has thrown up on our books, we DON'T WANT THEM BACK. FML

By apaterra - 7/11/2015 14:14 - United States - Washington

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Today, my friend whacked me on the family jewels while I was washing my hands in the college bathroom. While I lay writhing in pain on the floor, a guy at the urinal turned around towards me to see what was wrong. He was still peeing. FML

By TJ - 7/1/2010 16:50 - India

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Today, my wife actually had the balls to tell me that we can't have sex for the rest of her nine month pregnancy, because according to her, "I don't want twins." FML

By Anonymous - 6/7/2011 23:35 - Canada

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Today, I was rejected for a dream photography job that involves travelling all over the world, because according to the interviewer, half the photos in my nature portfolio were "blatantly photoshopped." I guess reality isn't realistic enough for some people. FML

By Anonymous - 24/11/2012 01:29 - Canada - Edmonton

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Today, it's been a week and a half since our hot water stopped working. Our landlord said he'll get on to it "in 3 days", after having said this already a few days before. I have to wash myself with a bucket and boiled water. FML

By - 25/4/2019 04:00

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Today, I was trying to show my boyfriend how to shake my iPod to shuffle songs. When I went to shake it, it flew out of my hand and hit him in the face. FML

By crappygirlfriend - 10/1/2010 07:59 - United States

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Today, I attended an assembly regarding senior graduation. The assistant principal told us to look to the left and right of us, because those people would be our friends for the rest of our lives. I was the only one in the entire row. FML

By allergic_to_bull - 8/10/2014 18:48 - United States - West Palm Beach

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Today, I learned that because of my new medication, I can either avoid getting malaria, or have a male yeast infection. I'm stuck in Africa for the next two months, and have to sit down to pee because I don't want to irritate my penis by touching it. FML

By Anonymous - 10/8/2009 06:27 - Ghana

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Today, I came home from a week-long vacation, only to find my mother-in-law didn't just dog-sit while I was gone; she moved in, along with all her possessions, and seems to think it's a permanent deal. FML

By Anon_a_mouse - 30/3/2011 19:59 - Reserved

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Today, I finally handed my girlfriend a portrait of her. I'm not the best drawer, but I spent weeks on it and I thought it turned out pretty good. When she looked at it, she asked what kind of dog was it. FML

By Laserbeaver - 29/9/2013 13:00 - United States - Milton

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Today, I started my new job. It seems my colleagues are moronic pranksters, because when I leaned back in my chair, the back-rest fell apart and I fell to the ground, to much laughter. My boss immediately shouted at me to "stop fucking about." I thought this only happened in movies. FML

By dan - 9/5/2012 20:10 - United States - Laurel

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Today, I asked an elderly customer at my work if she needed help with her groceries. She responded, "I normally would, but I'm afraid you'll eat all the groceries." FML

By Fat and Embarrassed - 26/9/2016 02:09 - United States - Palmdale

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Today, I went to the movies with my boyfriend. He went to get popcorn and I went to the bathroom. Thinking he had got back before me, I sat down next to him in the theater. I leaned in to kiss him, then realized it was some 70-year-oldish woman. FML

By Elisabeth - 16/8/2020 17:01

Close shave

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Today, I found out that my friend uses pictures of me to motivate her to work out. They are accompanied by sayings such as "you don't want to turn out like this." FML

By Anonymous - 9/11/2009 05:47 - New Zealand

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Today, I accidentally dropped my phone in the toilet. I automatically dove my hand in and ran out of the stall with it. As I dried it, some girls were laughing. I assumed that they were laughing because my phone fell in the toilet. Then I noticed my pants were still down. FML

By tmac - 4/4/2009 01:42 - United States

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Today, my son invited his girlfriend over to our house just to break up with her. Then he asked me to drive her home. So I was then stuck in a car with a bawling teenage girl who lived over twenty minutes away. FML

By Username - 16/6/2011 13:20 - United States

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Today, I found a limp head of celery in the fridge. I thought it looked like the squid alien baby from Men in Black. After nursing it for a couple of hours, giving it food, and rocking it to sleep, my parents found me. Then I realised it was just celery. Too bad it took that long for my meds to kick in. FML

By Squid - 7/11/2012 05:11 - Australia - Hornsby

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Today, at the eye doctor, they asked for my birth date for the files. My dad answered quickly, "May 28, 1994." It was embarrassing to have to correct him with "April 19, 1993." Who's May 28? Way to go dad. FML

By leenibeani4 - 8/3/2010 03:12 - United States

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Today, my boss yelled at me in front of several customers for gesturing too much while I talk, because it's "unprofessional". I was using sign language. FML

By Anonymous - 19/3/2018 15:00

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