Today, I was masturbating in my room when my dog started to bark obnoxiously. He does this all the time so I ignored it and kept going. This went on for about a half hour. When I went downstairs, I found an open door and an empty TV stand. FML
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Today, my parents hosted a party at our house. After seeing one of the extremely beautiful guests, I went to masturbate in my room. When I was about to finish, my bedroom door opened suddenly. It was my mom showing around 10 party guests that our dog can open doors. FML
Today, my dog and I were sitting on the couch. I went to the bathroom, came back, and saw him walk over the remote, which caused the TV to change to the Hustler channel, just a few moments before my girlfriend walked through the door. FML
Today, after watching TV, my boyfriend and I had to go walk our dog. I was too lazy to get up from the couch immediately so I teased him by turning off all the (smart) lights using my phone. He got mad and went upstairs to continue watching TV, so now I have to walk the dog alone. FML
Today, and for the past week, my dog has started barking at my door when I start masturbating. I think my mom is starting to suspect. FML
Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room. She had my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML
Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room. She had my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML
Today, I thought I was home alone so I went to take a shower and left my door open. My dog came in, stole my bra, and ran out of my bathroom. I jumped out and followed him, only to find out that my brother had two of his friends over. They all saw me naked, and my dog had my bra in his mouth. FML
Today, I was getting a bit intimate with my boyfriend. Just when things were getting interesting, my dog managed to get into my room. He jumped on the bed and my boyfriend spent the next 20 minutes playing with the dog, while I sat next to him, half naked. FML
Today, I was taking advantage of an empty house to try and re-spark my sex drive. Despite my best efforts, I got bored and started watching something else, but when my housemate returned suddenly, I panicked - gave a guilty shout and fumbled my dick away as I changed the monitor over - back to porn. FML
Today, I left my dog alone while I went to work, as usual. He usually hangs out in the big bay window that faces the street. Today he decided to steal my vibrator and chew it while sitting in the window. I can only imagine how many people walked by and saw it. FML
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Top comments
shamille 5
at least they didn't steal your dog
iBou_fml 4
half an hour masturbating? :S
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Comments (147)
SwordSlasher 0
#28 has a stick up his ass. Funny story though.
sugarbushvermont 0
Funny story! #11 & 24- I do.
Leviathan_fml 0
You took a half an hour to **********? jesus.
tweets 0
wait, wait, wait... so what if the OP stopped waking off and went downstairs WAT WOULD HE OR SHE DONE IF THE ROBBER HAD A WEAPON?! what if there was more than one and what if they wouldve tried to beat him/her up?! im glad the OP didnt go downstairs bcuz thats not safe at all. in my opinion waking off saved his/her life. the moral of the story is: wacking off saves lives.
route95 0
It's an FML because his dog does it all the time. How would he know that this time it wasn't a false alarm. Perhaps it WAS better he didnt run into the thief...
Jessica9 0
LMFAO! hahahahahaha, this is one of my favorites. welll was it worth it?
Bassorandy 0
You have a hell of a lot of vitality to be jackin' it for thirty minutes.
craznazn247 0
LMAO #60 & #79. That made my day. But yeah...30 minutes??? I hope you're a chick. Cause for a dude that would chafe like hell. And damn, go sign up for a world record.
Logica42 0
80 pretty much summed it up.
No_Limit_fml 0
LOL @ #7 - that'd have been bad. yeah my dog does the same thing but my doors and stuff are always locked, cause my mom thinks someone's going to kidnap me :D