Today, I was masturbating in my room when my dog started to bark obnoxiously. He does this all the time so I ignored it and kept going. This went on for about a half hour. When I went downstairs, I found an open door and an empty TV stand. FML
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Today, my parents hosted a party at our house. After seeing one of the extremely beautiful guests, I went to masturbate in my room. When I was about to finish, my bedroom door opened suddenly. It was my mom showing around 10 party guests that our dog can open doors. FML
Today, my dog and I were sitting on the couch. I went to the bathroom, came back, and saw him walk over the remote, which caused the TV to change to the Hustler channel, just a few moments before my girlfriend walked through the door. FML
Today, after watching TV, my boyfriend and I had to go walk our dog. I was too lazy to get up from the couch immediately so I teased him by turning off all the (smart) lights using my phone. He got mad and went upstairs to continue watching TV, so now I have to walk the dog alone. FML
Today, and for the past week, my dog has started barking at my door when I start masturbating. I think my mom is starting to suspect. FML
Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room. She had my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML
Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room. She had my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML
Today, I thought I was home alone so I went to take a shower and left my door open. My dog came in, stole my bra, and ran out of my bathroom. I jumped out and followed him, only to find out that my brother had two of his friends over. They all saw me naked, and my dog had my bra in his mouth. FML
Today, I was getting a bit intimate with my boyfriend. Just when things were getting interesting, my dog managed to get into my room. He jumped on the bed and my boyfriend spent the next 20 minutes playing with the dog, while I sat next to him, half naked. FML
Today, I was taking advantage of an empty house to try and re-spark my sex drive. Despite my best efforts, I got bored and started watching something else, but when my housemate returned suddenly, I panicked - gave a guilty shout and fumbled my dick away as I changed the monitor over - back to porn. FML
Today, I left my dog alone while I went to work, as usual. He usually hangs out in the big bay window that faces the street. Today he decided to steal my vibrator and chew it while sitting in the window. I can only imagine how many people walked by and saw it. FML
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Top comments
shamille 5
at least they didn't steal your dog
iBou_fml 4
half an hour masturbating? :S
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Comments (147)
chemical182 0
I wanna know why you were home alone, and not watching **** on the downstairs t.v.? It's probably way bigger then the one in your room. YDI
OrdinaryMan_fml 0
Half an hour... good job :) Hope you enjoyed it for the price you had to pay lol.
kisskiss_fml 0
it sucks but u definitely deserved that one i would have stopped and at least checked to see if everything is ok even if he does do it all the time. my dog does the same thing but i still check especially if im alone in the house to make sure theres no one trying to break in. sucks u should have checked to be sure.
1073kat 0
HHAHAHAHA OMG sorry man that blowsssssss
john6391 0
well think of it this way. what if you went downstairs and confronted them. what would you have done. and they could have been armed. beating off prolly saved your life.
britt030209 0
Lol! You just got "jacked" in two ways instead of one! Love it! You seriously should have had sense enough to see why your dog was so upset though. Did you think he was cheering you on or something? Dog: "Go man go! Wow I wish I had thumbs so I could do that!"
Nice_but_Unlucky 0
at least they didn't walk in on him, it's bad enough for family to walk in on me jackin off, but if the stranger was Horney the masturbating dude could be in for it :( hey, if he checked on what was happening, he could be hurt or killed. masturbating could have saved his life!
KyleOkposofan 0
Who the hell could stand to let their dog bark for 30 minutes straight? I'd go, and make him shut the **** up within ten minutes of constant barking.
Insert_Wit_Here 0
At least the person stealing your TV didn't do anything to shut your dog up. That would have been a much bigger price to pay than having your TV stolen, unless you're a dirt-bag robot with no fake heart. I'm actually amazed that someone would continue stealing something when there's a dog barking that loudly anyway, that guy was determined. Also, #60, dogs don't with they had thumbs so they could beat it. They have tongues.
CaptainBaconMan 0
How is this his fault? So it's his fault someone stole his TV?
kellster 2
Paying attention to your dog fail!