Today, while I was cuddling with my girlfriend, she looked at...

By Brian - 18/3/2012 02:32 - United States - East Wenatchee

Today, while I was cuddling with my girlfriend, she looked at me and leaned in. Thinking she was going to kiss me, I leaned too. Just as we were about to kiss, she screamed "COW KISSES" and somehow managed to lick my eyeball. FML

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Love

White line fever

Everyone's an expert

Yappy neighborhood

By OrlandoZ6 - 25/5/2009 16:48 - United States

Today, I was laying down on my couch. My friend IM's me on my laptop to watch a video. It turned out that the video was one of those scary pop up's. I got so scared I dropped my laptop. The screen had a big crack. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2015 05:42 - United States - Tampa

Today, it's been 3 days since I moved into my new house. I'm already known as the neighborhood racist, after some dicksplash thought it'd be funny to tape a sign to my door overnight that said: "DO NOT RING IF YOU ARE A NEGRO AND/OR JEW." FML

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By Dammit - 15/8/2009 05:22 - Canada

Today, I decided to be safe and tested a small dime-sized amount of Nair on my inner arm before using it. I didn't react badly. But as soon as it was washed off from my down-there hair I sure as hell reacted, with small bumpy red dots that look like an STD. FML

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By Colin Jr. - 23/9/2015 13:24 - United States

Today, it's the third week of my dad's midlife crisis. So far he's blown half my college fund pimping out his piece of shit car, keeps texting me meme pictures, and keeps yelling "Savage!" and "Recked!" any time my mom makes a joke at anyone's expense. FML

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By vintage_vogue - 17/6/2009 04:52 - United States

Today, I had a coffee date. The guy was waiting with coffee to meet me on the patio. I walked up to him, caught my favorite pendant necklace on the table, broke the necklace trying to get it free, and rattled the table so intensely that the guy's coffee spilled all over him. FML

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By failure - 13/10/2010 06:18 - Australia

Today, I rang my girlfriend to make sure she made it home alright. She told me to check my facebook. Nothing was different so I hit refresh. We were no longer in a relationship. I got dumped via facebook whilst on the phone to her. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2013 23:44 - United States - Boston

Today, the girl I like sent me a nude photo of herself. Being a photographer, all I could think about was how grainy the photo was, and the various ways it could be fixed. FML

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By preggersmcgee - 22/10/2012 16:09 - United States - Nixa

Today, I finally found a cute dress that hugged my curves and hid my imperfections. I wore it to my friend's house, and was feeling pretty good about myself, until some pregnant woman walked into the room wearing the exact same thing. It was a maternity dress. FML

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By so much for a good day - 15/7/2011 17:14 - United States

Today, I grinned for five minutes straight because my friends told me it would put me in a good mood for the rest of the day. It gave me a migraine. FML

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By reckless - 17/7/2010 19:34 - Canada

Today, my dad found my "list". 32 guys, 4 girls. Colour coded as to who I would sleep with again and who I wouldn't, who were virgins, etc. He complimented me on my "organizational skills." FML

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By SeriouslyDad - 22/9/2013 13:57 - United States - Waxhaw

Today, my dad and I had a yelling match about me "lying", because I was unable to contact iTunes support without a phone number. To prove a point, he went online to find the phone number. It's been an hour and he's still searching for the number. I can't leave the table until he has found it. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2009 15:18 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a year told me he is at the point in his life where he is ready to start a family, get married and have a baby. He also casually stated that he wished he could meet someone he could see himself settling down with. FML

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By traveling - 9/7/2013 11:18

Today, I arrived in Germany for a summer-long stay. The family I'm supposed to stay with had said they spoke fluent English. They don't. I don't speak German. It's going to be a quiet two months. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2009 00:52 - Canada

Today, I went for a jog. While passing by my neighbor's house, their six year old son started throwing peanuts at me screaming, "I hope this kills you!" because I'm allergic to peanuts. FML

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By nayahbear24 - 27/8/2014 22:52 - United States - Trenton

Today, after coming home from a two week vacation, my dog was pink, there were beer bottles and used condoms on my bed, and everything was a mess. I asked my sister, who'd been watching over the place, what had happened. She just said "Oops." and hung up. FML

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By really? - 13/8/2013 06:58 - United States

Today, while at a concert, my boyfriend got mad and jealous because I kept looking at the singer instead of him. He still won't talk to me. FML

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By mpetitto - 15/8/2016 00:44 - United States - Fairmont

Today, I received an "I miss you" text from my ex of 4 months, who I still love dearly and would give anything to get back together with. Yesterday, I slept with his best friend, convinced I'd never hear from my ex again. FML

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By Jess-zee - 10/5/2009 20:42 - Canada

Today, I took my mom out to a fancy restaurant, and spent close to $300 on her Mother's Day present. Later, my little brother drew her a card with crayons on pink construction paper. She cried. He is 20 years old. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2017 12:00

Today, I worked construction building a hotel. I was taking out the trash when I suddenly felt an extreme urge to poop. I ran into one of the rooms and found an empty cardboard box to poop into. Finished, I closed the box and made my way to the door. I then saw my boss staring at me from the closet. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/8/2015 06:58 - United States - Cadillac

Today, I showed up to my new job early, hoping to impress my new boss. When he arrived, he walked by me and muttered "Fucking tryhard." FML

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By uppiskalle - 12/9/2014 14:32 - United States - Riverside

Today, my car was stolen from my driveway. I reported it to the police, the insurance company, and my neighbors, and begged for help via social media. As I walked to catch a bus, I saw my car parked outside my school. I forgot I left it there last night. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2011 04:52 - United States

Today, a guy rang my doorbell, yelled "Happy Halloween" and then threw a bunch of leaves that he'd lit on fire at me. FML

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By cookiecutter8 - 6/11/2015 17:15 - United States - Carlsbad

Today, a guy started complimenting me and calling me beautiful. Halfway through, he burst out laughing and said he couldn't do it. Who needs self confidence, anyway? FML

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2016 20:14

Today, my boss yelled at me for leaving on time. After months of management hounding us about our overtime, I get in trouble for doing what I was supposed to do. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2010 01:12 - United States

Today, my mom asked me if I would be embarrassed if she got a tramp stamp. FML

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By Kingofbosses - 22/8/2013 05:31 - United States

Today, I moved into my university dorm a week before classes start. Everyone kept giving me weird looks as they watched me move my stuff in. Finally, one of my dorm mates asked me if I knew that school had actually started last week. I didn't. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2017 20:00

Today, the person who bullied me throughout my childhood eventually resulting in me going to therapy and switching schools became my boss. On top of that, he refers to me by the insulting nickname he called me during childhood. It's good to see that growing up hasn't changed him at all. FML

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By BigPurplePresent - 28/7/2009 13:34 - South Africa

Today, I was really upset after work, and tearily asked my boyfriend to bring something over to cheer me up when he visited later. An hour or so later he arrived, having bought me a brand new large purple dildo to "brighten my mood". FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2009 04:34 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor because my arm hurt. When he told me I had tennis elbow I said "that's funny I don't play tennis". Then he asked me if I had a girlfriend. When I said no he said "Well I guess we solved this one." FML

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By soupduped - 6/12/2009 03:37 - United States

Today, I opened up a can of tomato soup I'd taken from my parents' house recently. After eating the whole can, I started feeling a little off, so I checked the expiration date. It expired 12 years ago. FML

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By overdriven07 - 1/9/2009 15:07 - United States

Today, my landlord asked to borrow my truck to move some furniture. When she returned it, I noticed she had filled the gas tank up. I thanked her for doing so, and she handed me the receipt and said "just add it to next month's rent". FML

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By wtfdaughter - 3/2/2015 16:59 - Brazil - Recife

Today, my daughter put a doll in the microwave "to keep her warm". She's 17. FML

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By ughhh123456789 - 15/7/2009 22:23 - United States

Today, I was cleaning my old neighbor's bathroom, because he asked me to and I didn't want to be rude. Plus, I was getting paid. He told me to "get the floor pearly white." So I scrubbed, and scrubbed, and scrubbed. Turns out the floor tiles are naturally a dull yellowish. I didn't get paid. FML

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By Anon - 1/5/2009 14:17 - United States

Today, I had woken up very excited to celebrate my 21st birthday. I roll over in bed and ask my boyfriend if we can go out to the park to have a picnic, considering the lovely weather. He looked up at me and said, "You wish I loved you that much." He rolled back over and slept until 3 p.m. FML

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By Old? - 14/1/2009 23:20 - United States

Today, a student of mine used the phrase "well, you know, like back in your day" about defining "going out". I'm only 24. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2019 00:01

Spooky season has begun

Today, I was at work at a kiosk in the mall when I smelled something foul. I thought it was the weird dude who'd just walked by so I just carried on with my work. Minutes later, I looked to my right and there, lying on the floor a few feet from me, was a huge turd wrapped in toilet paper. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2010 14:25 - United States

Today, after reading a sign at the airport, my 6-year-old son thought it would be funny to yell, "Daddy's got a bomb!" Airport security then tackled me to the ground. Oh, and I missed my flight and my mother's birthday. FML

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By Megannn - 1/5/2012 23:43 - United States

Today, I was in a gas station bathroom attempting to buy a condom from the machine on the wall. A woman who smelled of cat piss walked in, and I got embarrassed so I fled into a stall. She then started a conversation with me about "the good old days" from the next stall over. FML

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By avaiia - 9/8/2016 20:32 - United States - Chicago

Today, I had a first date. We really hit it off and wound up watching movies together and talking late into the night. I ignored a developing migraine all night, then tried to leave hurriedly when it got bad. He stalled me leaving by asking what's wrong. I started vomiting. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2009 01:02 - Australia

Today, I was performing an experiment in science class. The prac required me to shake up a test tube filled with different materials. Taking the test tube in one hand, I shook it up and down. My teacher then stood next to me and said, "It's disturbing how good you are at that." FML

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Top comments

By gntfmlingnow | 12

#4180767 - Sunday 18 March 2012 9:17

See if she can use her ninja tongue in more interesting ways.

If you know what I mean.

By DKjazz | 20

#4180831 - Sunday 18 March 2012 9:29

Marry her. Do it now, before I whisk her away.

Comments

By gntfmlingnow | 12

#4180767 - Sunday 18 March 2012 9:17

See if she can use her ninja tongue in more interesting ways.

If you know what I mean.

kittenvks | 11

#4180929 - Sunday 18 March 2012 9:56

For example, doing the bouncy tic tac thing you see in commercials!!

tellithowitis | 13

#4180976 - Sunday 18 March 2012 10:23

It could have been worse... This fml gave me a mental image I will not forget. Thank you ops girlfriend.

weesnaw_08 | 7

#4181673 - Sunday 18 March 2012 15:17

LOLOLOL. Yeah put that talent to good use.

Cad6 | 24

#4181682 - Sunday 18 March 2012 15:23

The girl's mom might be part cow. The apple doesn't fall far from the apple tree.

cali4eva | 12

#4182473 - Sunday 18 March 2012 18:50

It's not apple tree it's just tree

Cad6 | 24

#4182559 - Sunday 18 March 2012 19:15

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

tellithowitis | 13

#4183012 - Sunday 18 March 2012 21:18

#80-
It's Grammar Nazi time, let's go.
If you're going to correct me, at least make sure your sentence is correct...

Zimmington | 21

#4183132 - Sunday 18 March 2012 22:14

Lmfao she's a keeper! Not being sarcastic at all, that chick is hilarious!!

pepkate | 8

#4185253 - Monday 19 March 2012 6:03

That made my day. LOL!

OAAS | 0

#4189912 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 8:20

@92: You didn't put quotation marks around "Grammar Nazi, let's go," so your correction is grammatically incorrect as well.

tellithowitis | 13

#4193350 - Wednesday 21 March 2012 2:41

#139-
You forgot """"""time""""""" so your correction on my correction in is indeed grammatically incorrect as well.
Are those quotations okay?

XtraEzeee | 8

#4194306 - Wednesday 21 March 2012 7:09

143- thats too many quotation marks. so your correction of his correction of your correction of his correction is in fact, incorrect. (Yes I made a mistake just to keep this going.)

XtraEzeee | 8

#4194320 - Wednesday 21 March 2012 7:12

143- thats too many quotation marks. so your correction of 139's correction of your correction of his correction is in fact, incorrect. (Yes I made a mistake just to keep this going.)

supersitter | 11

#6010076 - Wednesday 16 July 2014 22:28

Actually 149, you made several. I'm assuming not all of them were on purpose, so bravo.

By palahniukpaul | 6

#4180776 - Sunday 18 March 2012 9:19

Giggity

gamercanadian | 11

#4180958 - Sunday 18 March 2012 10:10

Quagmire- how old are you?
Girl- 16?
Quagmire 18. Your first.
Girl- mom.
Quagmire- ooh I like where this is going. Giggity.

jizzwold | 21

#4182585 - Sunday 18 March 2012 19:20

I've never really understood that joke because the age of consent in rhode island is sixteen.

BarDownDaily | 12

#4183031 - Sunday 18 March 2012 21:36

81- Ya, but you can't do it with someone 18 or older.

xXCherrryBombXx | 6

#4555388 - Tuesday 12 June 2012 2:37

you sir, are extremely unattractive

By Pebbles89 | 9

#4180778 - Sunday 18 March 2012 9:20

Hahaha! I need to try that one day! Next time, give her a puppy kiss!

AlaskanEskimo34 | 0

#4181027 - Sunday 18 March 2012 10:39

I like how we name kissing techniques after animals. Butterfly kisses, puppy kisses, cow kisses...

Wheredidgrungego | 12

#4181332 - Sunday 18 March 2012 13:04

French kisses :P

ScaughtieHolden | 11

#4181351 - Sunday 18 March 2012 13:13

Ah yes, the elusive, wild "French"

Llama_Face89 | 33

#4181357 - Sunday 18 March 2012 13:15

I can see that. The French can be animals, particularly French Canadians.

iamyummylicious | 14

#4181626 - Sunday 18 March 2012 15:03

Those damn French Canadians wrecked my garden this morning. They dug up my bulbs!

ClassyCommando | 13

#4181948 - Sunday 18 March 2012 16:27

Bâtards...tabarnak!

msairhead | 8

#4182382 - Sunday 18 March 2012 18:21

The awkward moment when you're a French Canadian........

Zimmington | 21

#4183150 - Sunday 18 March 2012 22:17

26- What about Eskimo kisses??

Pebbles89 | 9

#4184278 - Monday 19 March 2012 2:29

Someone needs to invent one that is super disgusting and name it after something adorable. Lol. Confusion is the best!

call4agoodtime | 3

#4184509 - Monday 19 March 2012 3:36

You animal!

sparkrok | 8

#4184919 - Monday 19 March 2012 4:50

75 - so true, so true...

corydac123 | 6

#4194280 - Wednesday 21 March 2012 7:00

I was the 69 th like

iamyummylicious | 14

#4194703 - Wednesday 21 March 2012 9:55

@99 - Eskimos are walruses in costume.

By kimmykimkiwi | 3

#4180783 - Sunday 18 March 2012 9:21

That awkward moment when you girlfriend gives you a cow lick...

Zimmington | 21

#4183152 - Sunday 18 March 2012 22:18

*your

elephantom12 | 9

#4183480 - Monday 19 March 2012 0:59

Anyone else sick and tired of people saying "that awkward moment when..."

KiddNYC1O | 20

#4184865 - Monday 19 March 2012 4:41

So far, 47 people say no.

By supimnyancat | 9

#4180794 - Sunday 18 March 2012 9:23

You should've licked her eyeball back.

DrJesse | 10

#4181926 - Sunday 18 March 2012 16:25

As payback,next time you're having sex "doggy style" yell "PRISON SEX!" and stick it in her ass.

sparkrok | 8

#4184932 - Monday 19 March 2012 4:52

that brings back memories...

deviable | 9

#4185705 - Monday 19 March 2012 9:11

An eye for an eye?

By Mekeritrig | 15

#4180796 - Sunday 18 March 2012 9:25

C'mon, that's awesome.

ladyLALAA | 28

#4181318 - Sunday 18 March 2012 12:54

Only if teeth were brushed!

cajekraze | 7

#4187471 - Monday 19 March 2012 19:53

I totally agree. When leaning for a kiss, I have meowed, followed by a solid lick. It plays out really cute if done right

By ofdoom | 4

#4180803 - Sunday 18 March 2012 9:25

is it weird that I had a similar experience earlier this evening?

DKjazz | 20

#4180850 - Sunday 18 March 2012 9:33

That depends on exactly how similar your experience was. Did it involve the phrase "cow kisses"? Did your eyeball get licked?

By slushpup9696 | 12

#4180805 - Sunday 18 March 2012 9:26

She sounds fun.

By DKjazz | 20

#4180831 - Sunday 18 March 2012 9:29

Marry her. Do it now, before I whisk her away.

DrNuggetcase | 3

#4182542 - Sunday 18 March 2012 19:07

I agree. The day a girl gives me a cow kiss is the day I ask her to be my wife.

By Rocky007 | 15

#4180838 - Sunday 18 March 2012 9:30

Did you get the milk for free?