Love: Today, while I was cuddling with my girlfriend, she looked at...

By Brian - 18/03/2012 02:32 - United States - East Wenatchee

Today, while I was cuddling with my girlfriend, she looked at me and leaned in. Thinking she was going to kiss me, I leaned too. Just as we were about to kiss, she screamed "COW KISSES" and somehow managed to lick my eyeball. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 134

You deserved it 5 088

Love

Hiding from the drama

Dementia or hate? You decide

Weirdo geek freaks out

Gross!

By cantstopfeelingit - 16/12/2019 05:00

Today, my roommate moved out. When I went into his room, I found a few things he forgot. Specifically, his beer bottle filled with nail clippings. I emptied it onto my hand before I realized what it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 171

You deserved it 2 439

Cryptic reaction

By Anonymous - 30/08/2021 03:01

Today, I found out I’m pregnant with the man I’ve been in love with for almost a year. When I told him, he got down on one knee, cuddled my abdomen and said, "Get out." FML

I agree, your life sucks 943

You deserved it 155

By allycat - 25/07/2011 03:26 - United States

Today, after a year of suspicion, I finally found out my sister is in a cult. My family's response? "It will be good for her." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 515

You deserved it 2 684

By nothowscienceworks - 13/11/2015 07:06 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had the mother of a five year old come in for parent teacher conferences. When I told her that her son was very smart, but he often made up fantastical stories about his home life, she burst into tears. She then ran out of my office crying, "I knew it! I knew he was a sociopath!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 855

You deserved it 1 719

By greenblue90 - 14/06/2010 13:50 - United States

Today, my husband purposefully said something to upset me. When I asked why he would do that, he told me it was to test my Prozac. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 755

You deserved it 4 236

Smooth talker

By Anonymous - 29/05/2021 07:59

Today, instead of my boyfriend calling me his Kit Kat like he normally does, he called me his "Kit Kat Chunky". When I asked him why, he said it's because I'm now 20% chunkier. FML

I agree, your life sucks 818

You deserved it 256

By Clauric - 24/03/2010 12:11 - Ireland

Today, the passport office informed me I won't get my passport in time to go on holidays. However, they took the money for the passport out of my account 2 months ago, causing me to go overdrawn, and not pay my travel insurance. The same insurance I needed to get the cost of the holiday back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 646

You deserved it 4 871

Mr Loverman

By Anonymous - 14/08/2020 08:01

Today, my boyfriend asked when I was going to bed, because he wanted to have sex. With himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 553

You deserved it 268

By Anonymous - 01/12/2018 06:05

Today, I went to the phone store to get a new SIM card. The store manager went on my browser to see if my data was working. Two pages of porn popped up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 480

You deserved it 4 510

By Anonymous - 29/09/2009 05:26 - Canada

Today, I was chastised by the CEO in the middle of a management meeting for showing up late to work every day, despite being in my office before 9:00am every morning. It was my 5th day on the job and no one had bothered to tell me that the office opens at 8:00am, and not 9:00am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 400

You deserved it 39 835

By Anonymous - 08/07/2012 11:26 - Australia

Today, I witnessed my boyfriend sneeze in his hands, and then lick it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 049

You deserved it 3 478

By Anonymous - 18/02/2013 14:01 - United States - Shelby

Today, I stayed in a hotel near the college I was applying for a scholarship. We were eating breakfast and there were some other applicants in the breakfast room. As we walked away, my mother yelled, "My daughter's gonna get this scholarship so there's no reason for you muddafuckas to show up." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 442

You deserved it 3 637

Dork

By Anonymous - 16/03/2021 02:00

Today, my 46 year-old brother-in-law came to visit. He is uniquely gifted. His talent? Behaving like a teenager and sexualising everything. Even my lip blister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 957

You deserved it 101

By anon - 21/04/2009 08:32 - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking in the park when I heard some boys shouting behind me. As I turned around they poured a bucket of red liquid over my head. They thought I was someone they knew. I wasn't. And i was wearing a $200 white dress. Red dye doesn't come out of white dresses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 84 027

You deserved it 4 912

By No.Life. - 14/07/2010 04:09 - United States

Today, I decided not to go on Facebook so people would actually think that I have a life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 515

You deserved it 32 515

Smells like Toddler Spirit

By anon - 06/03/2017 00:00

Today, a toddler threw up on my backpack mid-flight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 547

You deserved it 364

By Jeimaiku - 27/09/2011 17:40 - United States

Today, my ex took my cat and gave her to an animal shelter while I was at work, saying he can't stand living with her any longer. He's moving out in 2 days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 065

You deserved it 2 724

By iluvjenknee - 22/01/2010 06:26 - United States

Today, at work I was ringing up some tampons for a woman, and I try to interact with the shoppers as much as possible. I was trying to think of something witty or funny to say but drew a blank, so I decided just to say "have a nice night." What I actually said was "have a nice flow". FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 653

You deserved it 33 576

By crazystuff23 - 01/06/2009 16:44 - United States

Today, I saw the following message on my Facebook News Feed: "Morning Sex: [My mom] and [My dad] are fans. Click here to Join" FML

I agree, your life sucks 81 600

You deserved it 5 815

By clementine_k - 22/03/2009 02:38 - United States

Today, I went out for coffee with a guy I really like. We met up at the local café, and decided to sit at a counter in front of the window. We talked and flirted for a while. Then he kissed me, and while he was kissing me someone banged on the window. It was my parents. They didn't know I'm gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 100 731

You deserved it 35 595

Haters

By ForeverAFatty - 29/05/2021 20:01 - United States - Staten Island

Today, my boyfriend invited me to swim at his house. I'm very obese, so I had some reservations about it, but he assured me it'd be alright. Instead, the whole time I was treated to his mother commenting on my weight umpteen times, and his brother calling me "Moby Dick" and throwing pool noodles at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 792

You deserved it 305

By C0olgirl - 03/04/2009 21:43 - United States

Today, my best friend and I came home from Japan. Her boyfriend and I have been having an affair before I left so I decided not to tell him she was coming with me. We just got off the plane and got a bite to eat, he was waiting for me so he could propose, my best friend was standing next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 533

You deserved it 225 701

By Bluetooth Connection - 01/10/2018 03:00

Today, I sat in the bathroom on my phone to rub one out after a long day. Wanting to hear the action, I upped the volume until the sound was low enough for me to hear, despite the volume being near max. I continued until I realized my phone was connected to my headset outside near my family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 514

You deserved it 4 308

Overbearing much?

By Anonymous - 06/10/2020 14:02

Today, my mom caught me playing Mortal Kombat and had a fit about the violence, saying she read violent video games turn young people like me into mass murderers. I’m 29 years-old with my own flat and she still tries to treat me like a dumb impressionable teenager. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 379

You deserved it 132

By dry spell - 02/07/2013 16:17 - United States - Belfair

Today, my mom stole the condoms out of my room and gave them to my little brother because I "won't be needing them anytime soon". FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 173

You deserved it 4 775

Worst teeth in the game

By Anonymous - 23/09/2021 22:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to the dentist and she told me, "If you don't stop smoking, yellow teeth aren't the only thing you'll have to worry about." I don't even smoke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 889

You deserved it 107

By louise. - 18/10/2010 09:06 - Australia

Today, I asked my boyfriend why he chose me out of all the hotter girls out there. He told me it's because I have great birthing hips. Apparently I'm having six children. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 553

You deserved it 5 697

By Anonymous - 21/08/2011 19:48 - United States

Today, a fight broke out between my 21 year old sister and our 6 year old brother. I tried to intervene, only to end up getting battered to shit in the process. According to my sister, he's going to hell for eating her candy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 494

You deserved it 3 390

By Moron - 23/08/2011 02:03 - Canada

Today, due to a misunderstanding, I unintentionally agreed to have a dinner date with a co-worker. He's ten years older than me. Not only do I have to find a way to reject him, but I have to work with him on weekends. The worst part is, he's the first guy to ask me out in ages. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 845

You deserved it 6 526

By Failoffel - 10/05/2009 02:05 - United States

Today, while working my job as a cashier, one of the customers that came to the register was a midget. As part of store policy, I had to ID him, and his driver's license said he was from Florida. So I asked, without catching myself, "How's the weather down there?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 601

You deserved it 52 538

By Anonymous - 18/04/2013 07:54 - United States - Chicago

Today, I tried to explain to my history teacher why Woodrow Wilson would not have called the Great War "World War 1" as she constantly claims. I was sent to the office for my insubordination. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 926

You deserved it 4 633

By rmo1776 - 06/04/2009 06:16 - United States

Today, I went to a very nice reception at a hotel. I glanced inside the ballroom and saw that no one else was in there and, not wanting to be the first one there, I walked past and into the stairway. Turns out, I had walked into the emergency exit stairs and had to set off the alarm to get out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 983

You deserved it 48 938

Gun nut

By missbrit - 04/02/2011 07:59 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend got a new rifle. He forced me to watch him stripping it, oiling it, and sliding things into its barrel. We then watched 'Enemy at the Gates'. I basically endured 4 hours of gun porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 153

You deserved it 8 221

By Anonymous - 15/03/2014 21:02 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, four days after making a $100 bet with my balding, pedo-stache wearing dad over who could get a girlfriend first, he came home and introduced me to his new girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 851

You deserved it 11 607

By murp - 18/10/2012 16:26 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I went out for a few drinks with some friends. All night, I kept smiling and showing off my newly brace-free teeth. Later on, one of my friends drunkly asked, "Why does she keep smiling? Her teeth are fucking jacked." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 503

You deserved it 3 176

By me - 22/06/2013 21:16 - United States - Findlay

Today, while volunteering at a local museum, I politely told an elderly gentleman to have a nice day. He responded by yelling "NO" and storming off. Everyone looked at me like I was some sort of monster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 745

You deserved it 3 226

By Anonymous - 10/01/2013 12:20 - Slovakia

Today, I went out for dinner with my long-term crush, who turned out to be a huge dog person. He asked me which dog breed I like the most. In an attempt to reply with both Labrador and Doberman, I accidentally said Dumbledore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 027

You deserved it 9 583

By RootyTootToot - 31/08/2018 22:00

Today, I got a call from "No Caller ID", which usually only shows up when someone calls from my house phone. Thinking it was my kids, I answered imitating a cartoon voice. It wasn't my kids. It was the district attorney's office calling about the job I applied for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 545

You deserved it 1 457

By Anonymous - 03/09/2010 00:52 - Australia

Today, I found out that one of my best mates had his backpack, clothes, and everything else in it stolen at an airport overseas. I was feeling sorry for him all day. It took me 9 hours to remember that I actually loaned him my backpack for his trip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 850

You deserved it 7 286

By manderz? - 03/08/2016 00:18 - United States - Beach Haven

Today, after having an amazing first date with my long time crush, we ended up going out to dinner. We shared a meal, and it was delicious! This would have been the ultimate dream come true... Except for the part about me throwing up in his car on the way back home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 417

You deserved it 1 100

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Top comments

gntfmlingnow 12

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Sunday 18 March 2012 9:17

See if she can use her ninja tongue in more interesting ways. If you know what I mean.

DKjazz 20

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Sunday 18 March 2012 9:29

Marry her. Do it now, before I whisk her away.

gntfmlingnow 12

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Sunday 18 March 2012 9:17

See if she can use her ninja tongue in more interesting ways. If you know what I mean.

kittenvks 11

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Sunday 18 March 2012 9:56

For example, doing the bouncy tic tac thing you see in commercials!!

tellithowitis 13

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Sunday 18 March 2012 10:23

It could have been worse... This fml gave me a mental image I will not forget. Thank you ops girlfriend.

weesnaw_08 7

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Sunday 18 March 2012 15:17

LOLOLOL. Yeah put that talent to good use.

Cad6 24

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Sunday 18 March 2012 15:23

The girl's mom might be part cow. The apple doesn't fall far from the apple tree.

cali4eva 12

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Sunday 18 March 2012 18:50

It's not apple tree it's just tree

Cad6 24

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Sunday 18 March 2012 19:15

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

tellithowitis 13

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Sunday 18 March 2012 21:18

#80- It's Grammar Nazi time, let's go. If you're going to correct me, at least make sure your sentence is correct...

Zimmington 21

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Sunday 18 March 2012 22:14

Lmfao she's a keeper! Not being sarcastic at all, that chick is hilarious!!

pepkate 8

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Monday 19 March 2012 6:03

That made my day. LOL!

OAAS 0

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Tuesday 20 March 2012 8:20

@92: You didn't put quotation marks around "Grammar Nazi, let's go," so your correction is grammatically incorrect as well.

tellithowitis 13

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Wednesday 21 March 2012 2:41

#139- You forgot """"""time""""""" so your correction on my correction in is indeed grammatically incorrect as well. Are those quotations okay?

XtraEzeee 8

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Wednesday 21 March 2012 7:09

143- thats too many quotation marks. so your correction of his correction of your correction of his correction is in fact, incorrect. (Yes I made a mistake just to keep this going.)

XtraEzeee 8

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Wednesday 21 March 2012 7:12

143- thats too many quotation marks. so your correction of 139's correction of your correction of his correction is in fact, incorrect. (Yes I made a mistake just to keep this going.)

supersitter 11

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Wednesday 16 July 2014 22:28

Actually 149, you made several. I'm assuming not all of them were on purpose, so bravo.

palahniukpaul 6

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Sunday 18 March 2012 9:19

Giggity

gamercanadian 11

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Sunday 18 March 2012 10:10

Quagmire- how old are you? Girl- 16? Quagmire 18. Your first. Girl- mom. Quagmire- ooh I like where this is going. Giggity.

jizzwold 21

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Sunday 18 March 2012 19:20

I've never really understood that joke because the age of consent in rhode island is sixteen.

BarDownDaily 12

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Sunday 18 March 2012 21:36

81- Ya, but you can't do it with someone 18 or older.

xXCherrryBombXx 6

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Tuesday 12 June 2012 2:37

you sir, are extremely unattractive

Pebbles89 9

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Sunday 18 March 2012 9:20

Hahaha! I need to try that one day! Next time, give her a puppy kiss!

AlaskanEskimo34 0

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Sunday 18 March 2012 10:39

I like how we name kissing techniques after animals. Butterfly kisses, puppy kisses, cow kisses...

Wheredidgrungego 12

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Sunday 18 March 2012 13:04

French kisses :P

ScaughtieHolden 11

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Sunday 18 March 2012 13:13

Ah yes, the elusive, wild "French"

Llama_Face89 33

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Sunday 18 March 2012 13:15

I can see that. The French can be animals, particularly French Canadians.

iamyummylicious 14

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Sunday 18 March 2012 15:03

Those damn French Canadians wrecked my garden this morning. They dug up my bulbs!

ClassyCommando 13

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Sunday 18 March 2012 16:27

Bâtards...tabarnak!

msairhead 8

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Sunday 18 March 2012 18:21

The awkward moment when you're a French Canadian........

Zimmington 21

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Sunday 18 March 2012 22:17

26- What about Eskimo kisses??

Pebbles89 9

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Monday 19 March 2012 2:29

Someone needs to invent one that is super disgusting and name it after something adorable. Lol. Confusion is the best!

call4agoodtime 3

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Monday 19 March 2012 3:36

You animal!

sparkrok 8

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Monday 19 March 2012 4:50

75 - so true, so true...

corydac123 6

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Wednesday 21 March 2012 7:00

I was the 69 th like

iamyummylicious 14

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Wednesday 21 March 2012 9:55

@99 - Eskimos are walruses in costume.

kimmykimkiwi 3

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Sunday 18 March 2012 9:21

That awkward moment when you girlfriend gives you a cow lick...

Zimmington 21

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Sunday 18 March 2012 22:18

*your

elephantom12 9

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Monday 19 March 2012 0:59

Anyone else sick and tired of people saying "that awkward moment when..."

KiddNYC1O 20

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Monday 19 March 2012 4:41

So far, 47 people say no.

supimnyancat 9

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Sunday 18 March 2012 9:23

You should've licked her eyeball back.

DrJesse 10

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Sunday 18 March 2012 16:25

As payback,next time you're having sex "doggy style" yell "PRISON SEX!" and stick it in her ass.

sparkrok 8

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Monday 19 March 2012 4:52

that brings back memories...

deviable 9

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Monday 19 March 2012 9:11

An eye for an eye?

Mekeritrig 15

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Sunday 18 March 2012 9:25

C'mon, that's awesome.

ladyLALAA 28

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Sunday 18 March 2012 12:54

Only if teeth were brushed!

cajekraze 7

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Monday 19 March 2012 19:53

I totally agree. When leaning for a kiss, I have meowed, followed by a solid lick. It plays out really cute if done right

ofdoom 4

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Sunday 18 March 2012 9:25

is it weird that I had a similar experience earlier this evening?

DKjazz 20

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Sunday 18 March 2012 9:33

That depends on exactly how similar your experience was. Did it involve the phrase "cow kisses"? Did your eyeball get licked?

slushpup9696 12

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Sunday 18 March 2012 9:26

She sounds fun.

DKjazz 20

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Sunday 18 March 2012 9:29

Marry her. Do it now, before I whisk her away.

DrNuggetcase 3

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Sunday 18 March 2012 19:07

I agree. The day a girl gives me a cow kiss is the day I ask her to be my wife.

Rocky007 15

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Sunday 18 March 2012 9:30

Did you get the milk for free?

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39

You deserved it 10

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38

You deserved it 11

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 726

You deserved it 167

Today, my wife announced she wants to incorporate a saddle into our lovemaking. This might be fine, except she wants me to wear an actual 30-pound saddle, and I have bad knees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 768

You deserved it 93

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