Today, while home from college for the weekend, my sister started...

By I weep for our future generation - 1/10/2017 04:30

Today, while home from college for the weekend, my sister started whining about how I keep using "big fancy college words" and making her feel bad. My sister is 27 and teaches elementary school. The word I used was "ludicrous." FML

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School

Understandable

Mixed signals

Car Wars

By Anonymous - 24/10/2010 00:52 - United States

Today, a woman got out of a car to scream at me as I was walking with the kids I babysit, demanding to know where I was taking her children. Apparently the woman who pays me is also a babysitter, who I have been "covering" for on her party nights. The mother doesn't believe I didn't know this. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/1/2014 04:21 - United States - Baltimore

Today, I lost a bet with my grandma, and now she's coming with me on my next date. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2015 05:29 - Australia - Perth

Today, while working as a barista, a customer asked me for "gluten free milk". When I told her that most milk is gluten free, she flew into a fit of rage and cussed me out for being a "cheeky bitch". My manager then lectured me about not being "patronising" to customers. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2010 06:57 - United States

Today, I felt like spicing up our marriage, so I thought I'd surprise my husband when he got home from work. I put on my sexiest teddy, lit some candles, and laid on the bed. He walked in the room, looked at me for a second, farted, then asked me what was for dinner. FML

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By dmsmcd - 17/12/2010 09:48 - United States

Today, after a week of insomnia, I finally managed to fall asleep. Thirty minutes later, my friends decided to bang on my door, yelling at me to wake up and party with them. I'm now wide awake and hallucinating from lack of sleep. FML

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By Loveless - 6/5/2019 00:00

Today, I discovered my girlfriend's secret blog, where all she does is vent about how much she cheats on me and hates me, but will never leave me because she can’t afford to. Her followers love and support these actions. FML

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By DanceOnTheEdge - 20/7/2009 01:23 - United States

Today, I was riding in the car with my boyfriend. While he was driving, I held out my hand as an offer for him to hold it. Instead, he grabs me by the wrist and shoves my hand down his pants. Lovely. FML

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By Noname - 23/1/2009 17:31 - United States

Today, at lunch, I told a bunch of people how I had been in love with this guy since freshman year. I made a bunch of jokes about how I was going to marry him and our kids would be so attractive. He was at the table next to mine and looked back at me as soon as I finished. FML

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By Hreid254 - 5/2/2016 16:07 - United States - Temple

Today, my dogs somehow pulled the water spigot off the wall in my backyard. I now have my own private lake. FML

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By clecker - 8/10/2009 10:24 - Australia

Today, I finally paid off the massive debt on my credit card. I came home only to find that almost everything I owned had been repossessed an hour before I paid the debt. FML

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By disappointed - 25/3/2014 11:36 - United States - West Fargo

Today, I finally finished watching Dexter. I was more disappointed by the finale than the picture I later received of my girlfriend cheating on me. FML

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By unsuspcted - 17/11/2009 22:58 - United States

Today, my son told me to grow a pair and ask my girlfriend of a year and a half to marry me. He is 7 years old. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2009 23:36 - Canada

Today, I was checking into a hotel with my boyfriend. A few minutes after we get to our room, the cops show up to our door asking to see some ID from the both of us. The hotel staff had called the cops on us because they thought I was underage and he was going to molest me. I'm 21 and he is 24. FML

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By sadspinster - 29/9/2019 14:00

Single life

Today, I found out that both my younger sisters are bringing their boyfriends home for Christmas. The youngest is 25, and he's actually her fiancé. The other is 30, and she and her boyfriend have been living together for over a year. I'll be the 36-year-old spinster in the twin bed upstairs. FML

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By AmPatt - 26/12/2016 16:06 - United States - Grand Junction

Today, despite driving extremely slowly and cautiously, we slid off the road due to ice and snow. The car hit a rock and the airbags deployed. We were in my 3-month-old car because the engine in my husband's truck blew last week. Merry Christmas to us. FML

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By texasrose921 - 19/2/2016 04:51 - United States - Springfield

Today, as a student reporter for our college newspaper, I interviewed the president of my university. I was surprised to get an interview with him, and because of my nerves, as soon as I walked into his office I tripped over my own feet and fell face first into the ground. FML

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By yarenis - 24/12/2013 10:45 - United States - Gardner

Today, like every day since I was born, my name is Yarenis, pronounced "ja-ra-nees. For some reason, everybody pronounce it "your anus". FML

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By yogapants - 24/9/2010 20:21 - Switzerland

Today, I let out the most horrific, loudest, and most vile smelling fart I have ever had in my life while in the middle of yoga class. Out of embarrassment, I tried to lessen the tension in the silent room by giggling, but no one saw the funny side. I was given looks of horror, and avoided by everyone else for the rest of the class. FML

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By Hammy - 25/11/2014 02:17 - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, I finally noticed how lonely I am when I realized I was petting my couch while reading a book. FML

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By TooTallNiCo - 28/11/2009 17:36 - United States

Today, I was at lunch with my mom and we were talking about how to tell my brother that Santa Clause isn't real. After we finished our conversation, I heard someone crying. Little did I know, two little kids and their parents were sitting in the booth behind me. FML

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By no love - 1/1/2016 22:41 - United States

Today, I celebrated my 4-year anniversary with my girlfriend. We didn't have sex and we didn't even kiss. All I got to do was cuddle the stuffed Minion she got me for Christmas. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2017 14:00

Today, I found out that my crazy stalker got a crazy stalker too. And she's also stalking me. So basically, I'm in some sort of a stalking triangle. FML

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By CassidyQueen - 6/6/2015 02:14 - United States - Warrenton

Today, I moved in with my boyfriend because my parents kicked me out. He said that if I ever touch his "fucking apple jacks" he will "chop" my nipples off and feed them to the dog. FML

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By anon - 1/6/2018 01:30

Nightmare Fuel

Today, at work, I had a coughing fit so bad I actually shat myself. What felt like a gallon of liquid crap poured down my trouser leg onto the floor. I work in a competitive office and this happened in front of 30 spiteful coworkers who love posting pics online. FML

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By bastards - 5/6/2014 20:05 - Netherlands - Den Haag

Today, I babysat the brattiest and most foul-mouthed 8-year-old I've ever met. After I survived three hours of it, his parents finally came home. He claimed I'd invited a boy over and that we did "stuff" on the couch all evening. They believed him. I didn't get paid, to say the least. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2009 11:44 - United States

Today, I learned explosive diarrhea is real. I felt it coming and dashed into our supermarket. 10 feet in, liquid poo started spewing down my pants legs. 150 feet to go. I ran. It ran. They watched. After 15 minutes of cleaning, I slunk out. Now, I have to find a new market, maybe a new town. FML

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By asdf1851 - 18/2/2009 08:35 - United States

Today, I let my friend who is in 'beauty school' do my hair. I now look like i have a mullet. What was supposed to be auburn highlights is now hot pink. I have a job interview in the morning. FML

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By ADanceWithDavos - 7/7/2014 15:59 - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up to an old lady right outside my open window, saying "Hello in there! Are you sleepy?" I was so startled that I answered her. She screamed. Turns out she's my neighbour's elderly mother, didn't know I was in there, and was talking to my cat. FML

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By Yippie - 2/5/2017 22:00 - Spain - Alcal? De Guadaira

Today, when I woke up, I quickly pulled the bed sheet with my right arm to get out of the bed. I failed to notice that a big portion of the sheet was pinned under my body. My arm dislocated and I fainted because of the pain. Great way to start the day. FML

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By What the fuck, son? - 11/5/2013 16:21 - Netherlands - Amerongen

Today, I walked in on my son trying to carve a bong out of a watermelon. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/10/2009 04:22 - United States

Today, while I was showering, a dark object in the shower kept startling me. After about the fourth time jumping, I realized it was my shadow that was scaring me. I am actually literally afraid of my own shadow. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2013 17:13 - United States - Lakeland

Today, while on the way to Florida for spring break, I pointed out to my mom a bright blue car in the rear-view mirror. As the car overtook us, we both got a horrifyingly detailed view of the driver jerking off her passenger. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2014 07:34 - United States - Ewa Beach

Today, I was taking a piss when a fly landed inside the urinal. I thought it would be funny to try to aim and pee on it until it flew away and I stupidly continued aiming, peeing all over the floor and the wall. Another man came in time to see it. FML

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By Stan - 29/8/2011 21:19 - United States

Today, I was doing my jazz aerobics workout and accidentally kicked my 3 year old daughter in the face. Everyone we know, including my wife, thinks I beat her. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2015 20:14 - United States - Columbia City

Today, a dog bit me, tearing a hole through my sweatpants, my shorts, and my underwear, all to get at the dog treat I'd hidden in my pocket. FML

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By htx91 - 13/12/2016 19:55 - United States - San Antonio

Today, after opening a letter from the VA, I found out that I have to pay back all the money I earned last year in the Army. I just spent $500 on Christmas presents. Payments start in January. FML

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By DaisyMay - 4/4/2011 19:47 - United States

Today, I returned home to find the key to my mailbox missing. I called the post office and was informed that a new key will cost me $15. I have no money, and my paycheck is in the mailbox. FML

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By burnnnnn - 22/2/2010 01:31 - Ecuador

Today, I was walking with a friend after buying two cups of steaming hot coffee. While crossing the busiest street in town I tripped and fell, spilling the coffee all over me. My friend didn't notice I fell right in front of her and tripped over me spilling her coffee on me as well. FML

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By Whoops - 2/11/2018 14:00

Today, my mom decided she wants to try a new family bonding experiment: Being naked around the house for an entire week. She wants us all to eat dinner, watch tv, etc. completely naked. She says she will ground me and my siblings if we don't try it. FML

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By clu - 10/8/2010 06:07 - United States

Today, while eating dinner, a car alarm went off outside for 15 minutes and was driving me crazy, until I realized it was my car. FML

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Top comments

By Dave_Davington | 33

#7547368 - Sunday 1 October 2017 5:29

See, there you go again, using words like "elementary" and "weekend" and "school". Your sister is absolutely right. You really need to tone that shit down, professor.

By Christina Winden | 18

#7547365 - Sunday 1 October 2017 5:22

My response would have been "it's ludicrous that you don't know what "ludicrous" means." If she can't figure it out from that I have no hope.

COMMENTS

By Kayla Daniels | 6

#7547358 - Sunday 1 October 2017 4:32

to be fair you don't hear many five year olds walking around saying ludicrous

raven_of_azarath | 32

#7547525 - Sunday 1 October 2017 18:38

You might if they, or their family, listen to the rapper's music.

By Tripartita | 44

#7547362 - Sunday 1 October 2017 4:47

What an appropriate word.

By Christina Winden | 18

#7547365 - Sunday 1 October 2017 5:22

My response would have been "it's ludicrous that you don't know what "ludicrous" means." If she can't figure it out from that I have no hope.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7547366 - Sunday 1 October 2017 5:23

“Ludicrous” is a slightly large middle-school word — a big, fancy college word is “strepsirrhinis.”

Donut_Wizard | 23

#7547378 - Sunday 1 October 2017 7:03

Another college word is "beer."

RichardPencil | 28

#7547379 - Sunday 1 October 2017 7:07

Apparently, you didn’t go to my high school. We learned “beer” and how to use that in a sentence. “Beer!”

By Dave_Davington | 33

#7547368 - Sunday 1 October 2017 5:29

See, there you go again, using words like "elementary" and "weekend" and "school". Your sister is absolutely right. You really need to tone that shit down, professor.