School: Today, while home from college for the weekend, my sister started...

By I weep for our future generation

Today, while home from college for the weekend, my sister started whining about how I keep using "big fancy college words" and making her feel bad. My sister is 27 and teaches elementary school. The word I used was "ludicrous." FML

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School

Triage

Squatters' rights

Compassionate

By me - United States - West Babylon

Today, I found out that the guy who asked me out only did so because he thought I "looked rich." He broke everything off once he found out I live in a one-bedroom apartment and drive a 14-year old Volvo. FML

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By j_portal - United States - Carlstadt

Today, as I was laying in bed in my dark room, with only my phone's light on, a huge moth flew around it and directly into my open mouth. FML

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By Dr_Gip - United States

Today, I was so engrossed in a phone call that I drove off without pumping gas after I'd prepaid $50. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I made myself a snack. I took a seemingly clean plate from the sink which had been used earlier for scrambled eggs. Only after I'd made the snack did I remember I let my dog lick the plate clean. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was woken up by an overly sappy good morning text from my boyfriend, complete with kissy-face images. Before I could text him back, he sent a follow-up. "Oops. Wrong person." Wait, what? FML

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By laprochainefoisjerestealamaison - France - Montpellier

Today, I gave birth to my daughter in a hospital corridor. The nurse who took me to my room afterward tried to comfort me by saying there've been worse incidents; she said that two years ago, a lady gave birth in the parking lot. That was me too. FML

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By Tiak - United States

Today, my mom has been calling me every ten minutes, asking me questions about her new computer. She called me at work, and I rudely answered her question. She called back, talked to my boss, saying she was a customer that called in, and I was rude to her. FML

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By Person - United States

Today, my mother found condoms in my room. She asked why and I said, "Just in case." She started laughing hysterically. FML

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By Lucyferia Michelle - 9/4/2021 11:00

GERD Gang!

Today, I learned that I have multiple gallstones, even though the lab report said I only had one. However, the pain is both in my left side and right side, as well as around my navel. I also have Chronic GERD and IBS. FML

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By "belladonna1025"

Today, I told a customer her total was $89.40. She put her leg up on the counter and dug a $100 bill out of her nasty sock. It was damp. FML

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By BKCK4187 - United States

Today, I got aroused by the vanilla scent from an unused trash bag. FML

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By HairyBoobs - United States

Today, I nearly sliced my nipple off while shaving my chest and had to go to the ER. Turns out it was a teaching hospital so I got to explain in front of two doctors and eight med students how, even though I'm a woman, my nipples are so hairy I have to shave them. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2020 23:03 - Canada

Fucking Facebook memories

Today, Facebook showed me pictures from five years of a happy time I had traveling with a boyfriend, who later ended our 8-year relationship by telling me he had gotten an apartment and furniture in secret, and was moving out. No warning, no reason, no explanation. He never spoke to me again. I loved him. FML

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By Barking Mad - Australia - Revesby

Today, I got several noise complaints from various neighbours about my "dog that won't stop barking". I don't own a dog, my neighbour owns the noisy dog. She sent me a complaint as well. FML

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By random - United Kingdom

Comforter

Today, I hooked up with a guy I'm totally in love with. After finishing, he burst into tears about being in love with another girl. I had to comfort him. FML

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By shrek - Australia

Today, my brother dyed my white work shirt bright green because I beat him to the shower this morning. As it's my only shirt, I had to wear it to work, where there was a surprise audit and I was fired for incorrect uniform. FML

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By catdog - United States - West Sacramento

Today, my neighbor went on vacation, leaving me in charge of his cat and dog. For some reason, he calls his dog "Cat" and his cat "Dog". There are two pet food containers, one labeled "Cat" and the other labeled "Dog". I have no idea which one goes to which animal. FML

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By faglypoog

Today, my $200 drone malfunctioned and wouldn't stop. For fifteen minutes I followed it on my bike until it finally disappeared. On the way back I was pulled over for not wearing a helmet. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, the guy I really like acknowledged my existence for the first time. Too bad it was through a text saying "lol ur a fat fukc". FML

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By wtfjusthappened - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend from two years ago called and asked to come over. Still being in love with him, I agreed to see him but decided I wasn't drunk enough to handle the stress. After a while of drinking, he said that he really missed me and wanted to be with me. My reply consisted of throwing up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my extremely lazy roommate is in bed with the flu. Instead of getting up to get water, he's run the garden hose through his window, and instead of going to the bathroom, he's connected a siphon to his penis and run it to a 5-gallon bucket. I have to live with this idiot. FML

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By Anonymous - China

Today, I was in a restaurant with my fiancée for dinner. I commented that she had some food around her mouth. She responded with a lecture, then by throwing her hot bowl of noodles at me, before stomping out the restaurant. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Springfield

Out of the frying pan…

Today, it's been 2 days since I got over having the flu for over a week, missing work the whole time. I just got food poisoning. FML

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By Misty Michelle Jones

Today, I purchased a rather expensive, self-cleaning litter box for my 4 cats. Now they're shitting outside of the box. FML

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By carl_carl_ - United States - Grand Ledge

Today, I found my dad on a dating website looking for younger girls. My mother and father are "happily" married, well according to her Facebook profile. FML

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By YouAssholes - United States - Anaheim

Today, my band members and I were brainstorming ideas to help increase our fan base. My drummer suggested they replace me for someone attractive. Everyone agreed and now they are trying to kick me out of the band I started. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden

Today, my girlfriend who lives in China contacted me and told me she'd been harassed by a guy and was thinking about pressing charges. The guy is someone I know from college - he promised me he would say "hi" to her for me while he was in Shanghai. FML

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By Unlucky gal

Today, I broke my mug, windshield wiper, shower curtain, and foot, all in six hours. FML

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By DF - Israel - Rehovot

Today, I went bowling with my girlfriend, her sister and her brother-in-law, and her niece. After 10 rounds, I came in last place. Her niece is 3 years old. She got twice as many points as me. FML

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By Neverthebride - United States

Today, I asked my best friend why she didn't ask our other best friend Anna to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. She said, "She's too pretty. I need ugly bridesmaids to make me look better." I am the maid of honor. FML

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By retailworker

Customer service

Today, at work, I was helping a customer over the phone. Another customer came and asked me a question. I let them know I'd be with them shortly. They then said "I really think you should hang up. The customer is always first." FML

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By MeaganElizabethM - United States - Steubenville

Today, while on a haunted trail, I accidentally punched a high-schooler in the throat. FML

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By kimosabe - United States

Today, at work a woman came up to the check out counter and when I greeted her she said "oh honey, you are so beautiful!" I immediately smiled and thanked her, then she looked at me and said "oh, not you." and then pointed to her ear. She was on her bluetooth. FML

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By Bear - United Kingdom

Today, I walked in on my Mum and Dad having sex and didn't even realize what they were doing until she shouted at him to go harder. FML

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By blegh - United Kingdom

Today, my 18-year-old son asked me if I was a virgin. I still don't know what to say to him. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/3/2021 15:30 - United States - Alachua

Purr Evil

Today, I was awakened at 5:30 a.m. Did my dog need to go out? No. Did my alarm go off? No. My neighbor's asshole cat was on my window AC, scratching at my window, before pissing on the AC and jumping off. If I turn it on, my bedroom will reek of cat piss. The high today will be near 90. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my mom doesn't know my phone number, but she does know the names of both of David Hasselhoff's daughters. FML

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By leaflady03 - 27/4/2021 00:30

Famous for something

Today, my mom won’t stop calling up all her friends and family and even telling complete strangers about my "bowel problems." Even at parties, she talks about my pooping habits every chance she gets. This isn’t what I want to be known for. FML

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By xharmonyx - United States

Today, I paid for someone else's pee so that I could pass my drug test. I didn't pass the drug test. FML

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By Horneyandbleeding - 23/11/2020 07:01 - Canada - Winnipeg

Bad timing

Today, I got my period. I was going to have my first threesome tomorrow. FML

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Top comments

By Dave_Davington | 33

#7547368 - Sunday 1 October 2017 5:29

See, there you go again, using words like "elementary" and "weekend" and "school". Your sister is absolutely right. You really need to tone that shit down, professor.

By Christina Winden | 19

#7547365 - Sunday 1 October 2017 5:22

My response would have been "it's ludicrous that you don't know what "ludicrous" means." If she can't figure it out from that I have no hope.

COMMENTS

By Kayla Daniels | 6

#7547358 - Sunday 1 October 2017 4:32

to be fair you don't hear many five year olds walking around saying ludicrous

raven_of_azarath | 33

#7547525 - Sunday 1 October 2017 18:38

You might if they, or their family, listen to the rapper's music.

By Tripartita | 44

#7547362 - Sunday 1 October 2017 4:47

What an appropriate word.

By Christina Winden | 19

#7547365 - Sunday 1 October 2017 5:22

My response would have been "it's ludicrous that you don't know what "ludicrous" means." If she can't figure it out from that I have no hope.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7547366 - Sunday 1 October 2017 5:23

“Ludicrous” is a slightly large middle-school word — a big, fancy college word is “strepsirrhinis.”

Donut_Wizard | 23

#7547378 - Sunday 1 October 2017 7:03

Another college word is "beer."

RichardPencil | 30

#7547379 - Sunday 1 October 2017 7:07

Apparently, you didn’t go to my high school. We learned “beer” and how to use that in a sentence. “Beer!”

By Dave_Davington | 33

#7547368 - Sunday 1 October 2017 5:29

See, there you go again, using words like "elementary" and "weekend" and "school". Your sister is absolutely right. You really need to tone that shit down, professor.