Miscellaneous: Today, two Jehovah's Witnesses rang my doorbell for the 10th... - FML

By Goaway - 14/08/2011 11:20 - United States

Today, two Jehovah's Witnesses rang my doorbell for the 10th time. This time they asked me whether I knew Faith's greatest enemy. I replied, "Basic reasoning?" A copy of The Watchtower can really hurt when it hits you in the eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 628

You deserved it 10 798

Hiding from the drama

Triage

Ed Sheeran-lite

Kinda cute

By anon - 09/09/2013 15:15 - United States - Mantua

Spicy

Today, I woke up and found $30 slipped under my door with a note that read, "Please buy yourself a quieter vibrator. - Mom and Dad." FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 271

You deserved it 25 910

Mixed signals

By Brianna Michelle Ferrell - 21/09/2019 20:00

Today, my boyfriend took me out to a fancy dinner. Halfway through, he said he wanted to break up. I started crying, but the whole restaurant thought he'd proposed, and started clapping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 088

You deserved it 140

By trackdaddy - 02/05/2017 09:00 - United States - San Diego

Today, my dad came to take pictures of me at my track meet. When looking back at the photos, I noticed most of them were zoomed in shots of the girls' butts in their spandex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 871

You deserved it 411

By LizLiao - 14/04/2009 07:50 - United States

Today, I was running down the hallway when a door opens and hits me right on the face. I'm sitting there with my nose bleeding and a huge bump forming on my head. The guy who comes out is hugely fat, tries to help me up, trips, and falls on me. I accidentally groped his moobs while trying to push him off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 779

You deserved it 7 752

By ugh - 05/03/2010 00:00 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of over a year told me that we need a code word for when I'm being annoying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 072

You deserved it 8 729

Gummy

By speechless - 02/11/2010 17:20 - Canada

Today, I had a toothache and applied some numbing gel to soothe the pain. Too much came out and made my whole mouth numb. A man came into my work, thought I was making fun of his lisp, and stormed out really upset. He later called to complain about me. The boss just called me to his office. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 870

You deserved it 3 733

By DamnTornadoAlley - 30/08/2012 05:55 - United States - Wichita Falls

Today, I had to force myself to take a dump at school, even though I have severe restroom anxiety and shyness. I had finally relaxed enough to go when the tornado drills went off mid-dump, and 46 students and teachers packed into the bathroom with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 986

You deserved it 2 681

By so scared - 08/02/2014 17:13 - Canada - Barrie

Today, my mother thought it would be funny to sneak into my room at night and scream like a demon after I had explained to her how scared I was of the exorcist movie I had just seen. She claims it wasn't her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 568

You deserved it 6 183

By mastel07 - 10/12/2014 12:59 - United Kingdom - Stevenage

Today, I found a very light blonde long hair on my marital bed's pillow. I confronted my husband about it and after hours of arguments and me throwing his stuff out of the house, I found another. Attached to my head. My husband isn't having an affair, I'm just going grey. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 223

You deserved it 44 726

By laurenasabutton - 30/12/2013 13:07 - United Kingdom - Nottingham

Today, I dropped my suitcase on my toe. Don't worry, it was already broken. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 578

You deserved it 4 328

By Anonymous - 09/02/2013 20:03 - United States - Chula Vista

Today, I gave my 5-year-old daughter a unicorn pillow pet. She ended up giving him an ill-advised name, and has been loudly proclaiming to everyone she sees that her pillow pet is Horny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 748

You deserved it 4 886

By Anonymous - 14/03/2010 09:57 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I realized that I'm so bored of my relationship with my girlfriend, I'd rather make sure I don't break the springs in my bed than make love to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 405

You deserved it 24 521

By Anonymous - 25/06/2014 23:38 - Canada - Dartmouth

Today, my boyfriend informed me of how I had really hurt his feelings. Apparently, not wanting to be sent a photo of his poop is hurtful. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 927

You deserved it 5 881

By confsused - 16/12/2013 17:49 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I found out that my dad is actually my uncle, and vice-versa. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 857

You deserved it 3 365

By Loser - 21/08/2013 15:17 - United States

Today, I got my girlfriend to play Smash Bros Brawl with me. As it was her first time, I set up handicaps to give her at least a shot at winning. She won, quite handily. A little irritated at this, I took off the handicaps and tried again. She beat me even faster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 681

You deserved it 26 188

By Greymoya - 24/02/2010 14:18 - United States

Today, I was very sick, and my boyfriend was taking care of me at his parents' house. I was laying on the couch, innocently watching a movie while he rubbed my feet, when his stepmother came home from work. She freaked out, accused us of having it off on her couch, and kicked me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 537

You deserved it 2 572

By Jayanka - 03/05/2018 05:00

Today, my 17-year-old daughter has been sending and receiving videos and pictures of a sexual nature. I just had to wade through a ton of middle-aged dick pics as evidence for the police. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 072

You deserved it 581

Considerate

By Anonymous - 21/08/2009 14:20 - United States

Today, my mother told me she's disappointed in me for not going to a better college, and that if I was in the top ten of my class that the rest of those ten must be really dumb. Fact is, I threw away the acceptance letters to Carnegie Mellon and Cornell because I didn't want her to have to pay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 014

You deserved it 42 548

My dear neighbor

By Anonymous - 22/02/2020 18:00

Today, I had a very sweet and romantic love note brutally scratched into the door of my brand new car. It was addressed to Cindy. Cindy lives next door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 203

You deserved it 123

Delayed

By inheritance - 05/05/2015 14:44 - Denmark - Lyngby

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said, "Sure, but not yet." As we've been together for five years, I was a bit confused, but she cleared that up with, "Not until your dad has died, I don't want him to ruin my wedding with a bad toast." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 079

You deserved it 3 407

Ten years, going strong

By Anonymous - 23/08/2021 14:00

Spicy

Today, it's the 10th anniversary of the last time I had sex, and that was a drunk pity shag down an alley that lasted less than 30 seconds, due to me getting my period and his whiskey dick. Since then, all my sexual encounters have included the internet and rechargeable batteries. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 036

You deserved it 284

By Anonymous - 18/11/2018 12:00

Today, I was staying at my friend's house, which is next door. Our houses are the same layout, only mirrored, so tonight when I got out of bed in the dark I instinctively turned to my left, thinking I was entering the bathroom, and fell down the stairs. Three of my teeth are missing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 359

You deserved it 405

Mirror, mirror

By Zubat - 15/07/2021 22:01

Today, my boss confided that he doesn't like having interns in the workplace, because he finds it insulting that someone who hasn't finished their education can do our jobs. My boss frequently brags about being a high school dropout. FML

I agree, your life sucks 829

You deserved it 67

By Kyra.45 - 03/10/2013 22:46 - United States - Troy

Spicy

Today, I was so sexually frustrated that I tried getting off with a banana. It was not enjoyable, for me or the banana. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 085

You deserved it 32 357

By Yupppp. - 11/02/2015 06:25 - United States - Flushing

Spicy

Today, my new boyfriend with whom I'm completely smitten called me and told me he had an early Valentine's Day gift for me. Gonorrhea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 196

You deserved it 5 266

Bitten

By Anonymous - 02/09/2019 00:01 - Spain - Barcelona

Today, I had to explain to a lady that the reason I mindlessly touched my crotch was to itch a mosquito bite. She didn't believe me, and called me a pervert. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 320

You deserved it 483

By cricketeer - 03/08/2009 01:29 - United States

Today, as my son carried the cage with live food for his pet lizards up the stairs, I heard the sound of 2,500 baby crickets escaping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 256

You deserved it 6 520

By Frazzled - 10/04/2011 10:59 - United States

Today, after three days of hospital camping with my very sick husband, he was finally out of danger when I left last night to get my first good night's sleep in almost 96 hours. He woke me at 5 a.m. with a phone call asking me to bring him comic books because he's bored. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 465

You deserved it 11 280

By Porche - 12/11/2015 16:24 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boyfriend called me at work and said, "I hate to do this over the phone..." I burst into tears, thinking he was going to break up with me. Turns out he only ate my last doughnut. Now my co-workers think I'm a weirdo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 498

You deserved it 4 634

Thanks, but no thanks

By Anonymous - 29/09/2019 02:01

Today, I got fired from the community service I was doing out of kindness. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 411

You deserved it 271

By just socially awkward - 16/11/2018 12:00

Today, despite the carriage being entirely empty, a large man chose to sit right beside me on the train. After making me uncomfortable with personal questions, he asked if we could be friends and hang out, both of which I shyly declined. He then accused me of being a racist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 018

You deserved it 192

Cruella

By Anonymous - 05/10/2021 14:01

Today, my son was having a hard time mentally, and asked my wife if she loved him as much as she loved her biological children. She straight up told him not to be stupid, because of course she doesn’t love a step-kid as much as she loves her "real kids." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 379

You deserved it 167

By Anonymous - 11/09/2010 23:15 - United States

Today, I asked my mother if we were eating supper soon so I could take a nap. She said "no" so I went into my room and fell asleep. When I woke up, everybody was gone. My entire family of 6 went to Olive Garden while I was sleeping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 724

You deserved it 4 674

Love is…

By Anonymous - 30/09/2019 14:00

Today, I went to a job interview. At the end of it, after I had got the job, my new manager said, “See you soon.” I then accidentally replied, “You too, love you.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 367

You deserved it 363

By Anonymous - 22/11/2012 06:50 - United States

Today, while working as a massage therapist, a client had me work on a very specific knot in his shoulder. He also happened to have a very detailed, very realistic tattoo of the crucifixion on his shoulder. I just spent 45 minutes violating Jesus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 284

You deserved it 4 136

By thankskimi - 15/03/2009 18:29 - United States

Today, my first girlfriend of over 3 years left me for another guy. She said she's looking for someone who can financially provide for her in the future. The dude owns a T-Mobile kiosk. I'm going to medical school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 566 026

You deserved it 40 162

By disappointed - 23/09/2011 03:08 - United States

Today, after having saved up my money for months to buy my college-bound son the car of his dreams, I got a phone call telling me it had been totalled during a drag-race. I only gave him the keys two days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 176

You deserved it 14 085

By Anonymous - 11/05/2013 21:58 - United States - Reno

Today, my grandpa moved into the house to live with my family. Along with having to share a room with him, he swears that having the AC on will give him pneumonia, and he keeps saying he's "freezing" when the temperature inside gets below 85. We live in Nevada. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 697

You deserved it 3 514

By Guitar-ZERO - 12/06/2009 20:40 - United States

Today, my band had a show. We played a love song, and during the bridge, I ask out a friend of mine who was in the crowd, over the mic, in front of at least 200 people. She said no. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 318

You deserved it 22 259

By Anonymous - 29/09/2018 03:00

Spicy

Today, I found a video on my boyfriend's phone of him getting a blowjob. When I confronted him, he panicked and claimed it was me in the video. Then he tried to say it was from before we met, even though in the video he was wearing the watch I bought him for his birthday 3 days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 339

You deserved it 317

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Top comments

angrydinosaur 4

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Sunday 14 August 2011 18:56

That was an awesome comeback.

saIty 17

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Sunday 14 August 2011 18:59

Next time open the door completely naked holding a pickle in your hand in one hand, while combing your pubes with the other. They'll never bother you again.

Comments

renaee 13

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Sunday 14 August 2011 18:56

Feisty. I like it.

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Sunday 14 August 2011 18:57

wow isn't violence against their religion?

chiddy_bang71 0

Sunday 14 August 2011 19:01

Fun fact that no one cares about: last night I planked on a jehovas witness sign. Ok, now feel free to thumb me down for lack of interesting comment and being a stupid planking teenager.

ripgeorgecarl1n 7

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Sunday 14 August 2011 19:01

Haha. If they come to your door they have to expect to hear your opinion. It can't just be about their beliefs.

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Sunday 14 August 2011 19:05

You have the right to bear arms..theyr on ur property..do u have a better solution?

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Sunday 14 August 2011 19:06

I like birthdays and holidays too much to be a JW

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Thursday 20 June 2013 3:42

and parties.

ColonelCusswords 24

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Sunday 21 September 2014 5:04

thats definatly something a jehovahs witness would never do

angrydinosaur 4

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Sunday 14 August 2011 18:56

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Sunday 14 August 2011 18:57

agreed, I'm going to use that next time xD

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Sunday 14 August 2011 19:02

Yeah, those guys will come back with knives.

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Sunday 14 August 2011 19:23

I can't believe they threw that at you! Definitely not showing Gods love that way

Sunday 14 August 2011 18:56

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Sunday 14 August 2011 19:00

So speaking the truth, makes you an ass?

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Sunday 14 August 2011 19:00

How was OP being an ass. They knocked in HIS door. He can say whatever he wants.

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Sunday 14 August 2011 18:57

Why did you open the door for them?

alphatoomega 21

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Sunday 24 February 2013 5:41

He didn't know they were JWs before opening the door?

skilova4lifezzz 19

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Wednesday 6 November 2013 16:27

#4 because he had such an awesome comeback?

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Wednesday 19 August 2015 15:19

He said they rang the bell 10 times

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Sunday 14 August 2011 18:57

I fuckin hate Jehovah Witnesses. All there talk about the "new system" and the 40,000 goats or sheep or some animal that goes "ba". They need to stop knocking on peoples doors and go back to sippin on their Kool-Aid (no that's not because most are black).

AvengedSevenfold_fml_fml 12

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Sunday 14 August 2011 19:04

What the fuck, most are black? What the hell are you talking about. They have people of all races. Do you even know who you're talking about? O_o

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Sunday 14 August 2011 19:07

Most are black. And yeah I do. My dads side of the family is Jehovahs Witness. I just thought people would refer the Kool-Aid to them being black, and not that they drink juice or something for there religion.

saIty 17

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Sunday 14 August 2011 18:59

Next time open the door completely naked holding a pickle in your hand in one hand, while combing your pubes with the other. They'll never bother you again.

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Sunday 14 August 2011 19:07

Best advice ever.

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Sunday 14 August 2011 19:16

Pull a mcgrubber, get a piece of celery and stick it I'm your ass crack and open the door naked they won't come back.

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Sunday 14 August 2011 19:21

Or a robe and a cross a throw water at them yelling "I command u to leave Satan"

TheRealBruce 12

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Tuesday 12 March 2013 3:57

That's how I always open doors.

kittyiscoolyo 2

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Sunday 14 August 2011 18:59

i highly doubt they hit you with the Watchtower. they're really nice people.

Sunday 14 August 2011 19:00

I'm an athiest my self but, they had you outnumbered. Not the best idea

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Friday 2 October 2015 10:46

I agree, I'm an atheist and my room mate is a Jehovah witness...

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Monday 7 December 2015 16:32

I'm Christian and Jehovah's Witnesses are annoying

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Sunday 14 August 2011 19:00

OP, I love you for that =D

ThreeSheetsGone 12

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Sunday 14 August 2011 19:02

OP-1 Jehovah's Witnesses-0 I'll have to remember that one.

Nearly

Today, I have to do a science presentation in approximately 10 minutes. I didn’t do the assignment or make a PowerPoint cause I stayed up all night trying to do my French homework. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 13

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 032

You deserved it 254

Today, for the first time I had to lie to the man I intend to marry, because I had a very intense and hot dream about Leslie Nielsen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 544

You deserved it 160