Transportation: Today, the small plane I was on almost crashed, all because the...

By Anonymous - United States - Alexandria Bay

Today, the small plane I was on almost crashed, all because the pilot's girlfriend figured out mid-flight that he's been cheating on her, causing her to start screaming abuse and furiously beating him. FML

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Transportation

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Time don't heal nothing

Inspirational tale

By Anonymous - United States - San Bruno

Today, I hung out with some old friends for the first time since losing about 50 pounds, going from clinically obese to a healthy weight. I even bought a cute new dress for the occasion to show off my new body. No one noticed the change. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, my family went to Seaworld. When we got there, my dad sarcastically told me not to get lost, because I might get mistaken for Shamu. FML

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By robzzz - Canada

Stuck

Today, I'm forced to eat half a package of saltine crackers in my room for dinner. I can't go downstairs to the kitchen because my two roommates are going at it on our kitchen table. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Raleigh

Today, I found out my roommate spits the mouthwash back into the bottle after he gargles. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got stuck in an elevator for 45 minutes. I am an elevator mechanic. FML

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By ILoveLamps - Canada - Calgary

Today, I found out that my friend's family has been using red paper to help his little brother with his potty training. "Aim for the red!" they would say to him. I guess today was a bad day to wear red pants. FML

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By embarrassed - United States

Today, I went to my doctor to get the morning after pill. I explained to her that the condom broke and I was nervous. She simply asked me "when" so I replied "...towards the end". I didn't realize she was really asking what day this happened. FML

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By introublenow - United States - Tallahassee

Whoops

Today, I woke up to a cat licking my face. I don't have a cat. I quickly put the cat out the front door and went back to sleep. When I woke up later, I remembered that I had agreed to take care of my sister's cat for a week. I looked out the door, but the cat is nowhere to be found. FML

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By juvenile friends suck - Germany - Tangstedt

Today, I was in the elevator, when a big bearded guy stepped in, wearing a dress. It's not an uncommon sight where I live, but my friend cracked up and asked him if he was wearing underwear. He took it as a challenge, and I can safely say that no, he was not. FML

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By Classicmen - United States

Today, is the first weekend I have off this summer. Instead of letting me see my friends, my dad printed out a practice SAT exam. I've already taken the SAT. He just "doesn't want me to get rusty". FML

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By ICanExplain - United States - Sunnyvale

Today, after parking in the handicapped spot of a lot with my placard, an older couple with their 7-year-old grandchild came up and yelled at me for being a lying asshole and taking the parking spot. When I showed them my prosthetic leg, the kid started crying and guess who got yelled at again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found a box of birthday candles sitting on the coffee table. Bored, I lit one, and after a minute I threw it away and sat back down on the couch. I started looking at the box and noticed that it said "Magic Re-Lighting Candles" at the exact moment that my trash can burst into flames. FML

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By Monkey - United States

Today, my mom called me from jail. She was arrested for having sex in public. I was with my dad when I got the call. FML

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By kp - Australia

Today, it was my boyfriend's birthday. After spending a reasonable amount of cash to get us a nice hotel room to celebrate, he decides he would rather spend the night drinking with his friends. They all threw up in the bath tub before passing out on our bed. FML

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By lemonchips - Norway

Today, in class I was teaching 6 year olds about the difference between short and tall, and I asked them how they could see that I was shorter than the other teacher. One of them raised their hand and said it was because I'm fatter. FML

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By nick - United States - Palm Desert

Today, was my daughter's birthday. I didn't know I had a daughter. FML

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By Chelsy - Australia - Canberra

Can he fix it?

Today, I found out that when my boyfriend is drunk he pretends to be Bob the Builder. FML

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By Sailorjoe - United States

Today, I had to take out the trash at work and I kept trying to throw it in the dumpster. After five tries I finally made it in. I was feeling pretty good since the bag was heavy. That was until I turned around and saw about 30 of my coworkers applauding and laughing at me. FML

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By Courtney - United States

Today, I was so tired that I fell asleep on the toilet, and then had to give my boss a valid reason for why I was late. FML

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By Ouch - United States

Today, I thought it would be sexy to cook dinner in lingerie. Today, my boyfriend thought it would be funny to scare me while I was cooking. I jumped and burned my boobs with boiling cooking oil. FML

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By Howhardisittoclosethefuckingdooryouidiot - United States

Today, I discovered that my obese 57-year-old mother’s flat-out refusal to close the door when she uses the bathroom doesn’t change even when I have friends over. FML

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By unknown002 - United States

Today, I stepped on the scale because I'm trying to maintain a good weight. The scale read that I had lost 6 pounds. Feeling really good about myself, I stepped off the scale only to see that the corner of the scale was sitting on the rug, making the scale mess up and tell me the wrong weight. FML

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By yogabbagabba - United States

Today, I fell asleep during naptime. I'm the teacher. FML

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By OneGirlsLife

Today, someone tried to break into my car. They tried to do so by jamming a key into my lock, only for the key to break. I guess the key cut their hand, because I had the pleasure of finding the person's blood all over my passenger door. FML

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By Anonymous - Mexico - Celaya

Today, I got my third promotion at work in as many years. My husband congratulated me very briefly, before asking if this meant he no longer had to look for a job. FML

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By blaahh - United States

Today, I was asked out by a guy I've liked since the beginning of the year. All I could say was, "I have to pee", and ran into the men's bathroom. FML

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By Promo girl - Australia

Today, I was offered a promotion but for the same pay. Promotion... WTF? FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my crazy ex-girlfriend legally changed her last name to mine. I'm getting married in a week. FML

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By nnniii - United States - Seattle

Today, I tried to give my first hand-job while wearing fuzzy socks in a carpeted room. I reached out to touch his penis and shocked him. FML

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By anon

Today, a guy grabbed my ass at the mall. I whirled around and went to sock him. He ducked and I accidentally hit the elderly woman standing behind him in the face. To say all hell broke loose would be an understatement. FML

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By ShockBait - United States

Today, it was my next-door neighbor's birthday. Over the past year, his pitbull has attacked my stepdad several times and put some stiches on me. Lucky for us, the dog was finally put down. For his birthday my neighbor got a new, bigger, pitbull. FML

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By John Doe - United States - Columbia

Today, my parents continue comparing me to my "perfect" friend. He smokes dope, is a compulsive thief, and has gone to juvie numerous times. I'm passing school with flying colors and have never been in any trouble with the law. Apparently I should be more like him. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/4/2021 21:00 - Finland

How smelly is your piss?

Today, I peed myself in the dressing room after work when I sneezed. Someone else just walked in as I was trying to dry off my jeans with paper, and probably smelled that I had peed myself. FML

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By xXPikachuXx

Today, after 3 months of job hunting, I finally got a job. But now my birth certificate and social security card are somehow lost, and I can't start until I let them see a copy. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2020 11:03 - Austria - Innsbruck

Still pining

Today, I had a meeting in the town where my ex-girlfriend works. After the meeting, I bought some ice cream and sat on a bench in a public place. She came across with her girlfriends laughing and obviously having fun. She only looked in my direction briefly. I threw the ice cream into the trash. FML

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By xnickx - United States

Today, I changed the locks on my apartment so my crazy ex girlfriend couldn't get in. I went to her house to return her house key. I accidentally gave her the key to my new locks, and can't find her old house key. Now I need her to come let me in to my own house. FML

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By IGOTIT - United States - Fountain Valley

Today, my boyfriend took me to a very elegant and expensive restaurant to celebrate our anniversary. When it came to the check, I volunteered to pitch in half, which he rejected by saying "I got it". Little did I know was that "I got it" was short for "I got your credit card". FML

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By NowABlonde - United States

Today, I decided to lighten my hair. I applied the dye and waited 20 minutes. When I went to wash the dye out, the water wouldn't turn on. After my head started to burn, I called the landlord in a panic. Turns out there was a water main break and the entire city block doesn't have water. FML

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By and she doesn't even give bjs - Argentina - Buenos Aires

Today, I watched The Passion of the Christ with my girlfriend. She kept scoffing at what she called the "historical inaccuracies", and actually tried to convince me that Hitler killed Jesus. When I corrected her, she looked at me, mouth agape, as if I was insane. FML

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By okay - United States - Woodstock

Today, a customer complained he never got his sandwich, even though I put it in the oven, dressed it up and served it to him. When I went to clear his table off, I saw the sandwich basket. We had to give him his money back. FML

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Top comments

By nonsensical | 26

#6483799 - Sunday 13 December 2015 6:51

That must've been scary as fuck. I wouldve tied her down and told her to get her shit together until we landed!

By mattzawesome | 28

#6483802 - Sunday 13 December 2015 6:52

Those smaller planes are iffy to begin with; I can't imagine the trauma of a distracted pilot on top of that.

COMMENTS

By CherrySprite | 10

#6483794 - Sunday 13 December 2015 6:50

How would she get in the cockpit?

swenny_xoxo | 18

#6483806 - Sunday 13 December 2015 6:54

That's what I want to know #1

Twigman8 | 15

#6483808 - Sunday 13 December 2015 6:56

If it's a small plane like OP said, I'm assuming there's no cockpit door like on a commercial passenger jet. OP's girl friend would have easy access if this is the case

cheeeksss | 29

#6483910 - Sunday 13 December 2015 9:37

Wait do you mean the pilot's gf?

By nyf137 | 20

#6483796 - Sunday 13 December 2015 6:50

Good thing she wasn't violent or anything...
The universe just has perfect timing

jesterinperil | 28

#6483812 - Sunday 13 December 2015 6:58

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

jmcr | 27

#6483843 - Sunday 13 December 2015 7:33

pretty sure that was sarcasm #9

Mightyrif | 23

#6483895 - Sunday 13 December 2015 8:59

OP said it almost crashed. I think beating would cause that more than just screaming.

jesterinperil | 28

#6484103 - Sunday 13 December 2015 17:37

A prime example of why we need sarcasm fonts. My mistake.

TheFount | 21

#6484644 - Monday 14 December 2015 6:51

"almost crashed"
"furiously beating"
OMG GUISE GIRLZ DONT DO THINGS BAD SO IT MUST HAVE BEEN SARCASM
Seems legit

By nonsensical | 26

#6483799 - Sunday 13 December 2015 6:51

That must've been scary as fuck. I wouldve tied her down and told her to get her shit together until we landed!

By jesterinperil | 28

#6483801 - Sunday 13 December 2015 6:52

Love can drive people crazy, or in this case, fly people crazy. Glad you all made it out safe OP!

By mattzawesome | 28

#6483802 - Sunday 13 December 2015 6:52

Those smaller planes are iffy to begin with; I can't imagine the trauma of a distracted pilot on top of that.

SuperMew | 22

#6483907 - Sunday 13 December 2015 9:21

I had a pilot almost miss the landing because he got distracted by a sports game someone was listening to on their phone.

By itsme82 | 18

#6483804 - Sunday 13 December 2015 6:53

Damn someone should have knocked her ass out. Bahahhahaha

By mds9986 | 24

#6483817 - Sunday 13 December 2015 7:02

She needs to stop being so turbulent.

Jesmassimo | 21

#6483834 - Sunday 13 December 2015 7:18

Lmao I'm cracking up

SecundusSecunda | 27

#6483849 - Sunday 13 December 2015 7:43

While you're cracking up, OP was falling down

jeansnpearls | 21

#6484726 - Monday 14 December 2015 9:28

Ahhh! haa! ha! I see whacha did there...nice!

SecundusSecunda | 27

#6486237 - Wednesday 16 December 2015 8:53

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

By bulletsinthewind | 21

#6483821 - Sunday 13 December 2015 7:05

She certainly could've picked a better time. Must've been a scary situation. It was pretty inconsiderate of her to risk everyone's lives

Danne696 | 14

#6483999 - Sunday 13 December 2015 14:37

"Inconsiderate" is a tad of an understatement..

willsnow18 | 11

#6484819 - Monday 14 December 2015 13:41

people do and say fucked up shit when they're mad/pissed

By bellydancer82 | 15

#6483823 - Sunday 13 December 2015 7:08

I'm curious as to how she found out...
Also, I would've told her to cut it the fuck out and restrained her. Distracting a pilot like that is nothing to play around with.

Earl_KarmasBitch | 28

#6484110 - Sunday 13 December 2015 17:49

I've been in a car and had something similar happen, but a plane is definitely worse. It's not like you can just pull over and stop for a bit.

By gobiteme2 | 34

#6483826 - Sunday 13 December 2015 7:14

You should have been a gentleman and opened the door for her.