Intimacy: Today, right after sex, my girlfriend apologized to the neighbor... - FML

By AirOne - United States

Today, right after sex, my girlfriend apologized to the neighbor for the screaming. He thanked her for the entertainment. FML

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There's no helping some people

Season finale

Bob the Builder

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I discovered that if you slip on ice, imitating Mario from Super Mario Bros when he attempts to stop himself slipping, won't work in real life. I now have a broken nose, as well as a blood trail running from my driveway into my kitchen. FML

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By nen_00 - United States

Today, I realized the guy I've been hooking up with has a daughter who is a year younger than me. As if that wasn't bad enough, I also found out she had a child of her own. I've been hooking up with a grandpa. FML

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By suffersecks - United States

Today, while in the middle of giving my husband a blow job, I looked up to see him staring into space and vigorously picking his nose. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Forestville

Today, the whole family came over to celebrate my 18th birthday. My grandfather bought me a giant mathematics book. Apparently, he didn't want my 16 year old sister to be "jealous", so he got her the new iPad. FML

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By baffleduncle - Canada - Montreal

Today, I listened to my niece explain to me, in great detail, that the Titanic never sank, and that the year it supposedly did was a prediction of 9/11. She learned all of this from some whackjob conspiracy theory videos, and acts like she's an expert now as a result. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, after months of dating, I asked my boyfriend if he wanted to take things to the next level. He told me that he couldn't have sex with me because of his religious beliefs. I would've been fine with this if it weren't for the fact that I know he and his family are all atheists. FML

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By Anonymous

Carded B.

Today, I ordered a beer with my parents at dinner. The waitress said, "Oh, happy 22nd birthday." My parents eyes got really big, and they started to blush. They'd forgotten it was my birthday. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I went into work to set up a new store. There was a lot of lifting so I dressed casual. This happened to be the day the owner brought in his conservative family to check out the store. I was wearing a shirt that says "everyone poops" and has a donkey and elephant pooping. FML

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By ECullen - United States

Today, I was talking to this guy that I like a lot and I think he likes me back. When he told me I was beautiful I laughed so hard that I farted. Loudly. FML

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By frenchpie - Korea Republic of

Today, the guy I liked came over for dinner with some friends. One of them asked him if we were dating, he became so distraught he started to choke on the food I had made, in his haste to tell them that in no uncertain terms, were we together. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I washed all the dishes and cups from the family dinner last night and put them away. When my wife saw, she had a mini OCD breakdown and yelled at me because the cups weren't lined up with each other with the handles aligned and the flower pictures facing out left. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to my girlfriend's Catholic all girls high school to ask her to prom by decorating her car. As soon as I walked on campus the school went into lock down because of a "suspicious male intruder." When I saw my girlfriend, she denied knowing me. I was arrested. FML

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By Longhorn2011 - United States

Today, I went commando because its 98 degrees and sweaty boxers are a pain. While walking to class at UT I heard a girl laugh behind me, I turned and flashed a quick smile and kept walking. It turns out I had sweat through my khakis and she totally could see my crack. Texas weather sucks. FML

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By LaughingFML - Canada - Oshawa

Today, my best friend jokingly blocked my number until I apply for a job. She is also supposed to be picking me up from the airport, so now I have no way to contact her to tell her what time. FML

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By It's CSI Miami - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got into a fight with my mom because she believes that my fiancé is "irresponsible" and "immature". I stormed out and drove back home. There, I walked in on my fiancé and his friends. They were in a heated and almost violent argument over which CSI is the best. The wedding's next month. FML

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By AllieOops - United States

Today, my roommate told me that unscented deodorant prevents ingrown hairs on the bikini line. She shared this beauty tip with me when I caught her using my Lady Speed Stick on her snatch. FML

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By tdizzlehi - 28/8/2020 02:00 - United States - Boston

Won't someone think of the economy?

Today, after coming out of a meeting during which I promised my employees better wages, I was met at the door by my CEO telling me to lay off all the employees I just talked to. FML

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By Anonymous

Poor me

Today, I finally kissed the guy I really love at a party. He took me outside and immediately vomited. FML

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By PeeEverywhere

Today, I woke up to my husband peeing on the floor. He managed to pee in two open clothes drawers and on the pants I was going to wear to work tomorrow. Before I left earlier he promised he wouldn't get smashed tonight. FML

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By zachadams - United States - Buffalo

Today, at a family party, my uncles were complimenting my mom on her pies. I cooked them. She took all the credit. FML

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By richkief76

Today, I finally found where the awful lingering stench in my house was coming from. My son thought it would be funny to piss in the baby's humidifier. He's 16. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I confronted my fiancé and told him I knew his 'little secret'. I had suspected that he had been ruining his wedding diet by eating pizza at the office. He replied that the affair with his secretary had only been going on for a couple of months. FML

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By nichaneely - United States

Today, I got yelled at by one of my bosses. The reason? I was yawning. I work at Starbucks. Apparently I wasn't 'promoting' correctly. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, my long-distance boyfriend and I decided to be a bit naughty on Skype. It was 3am so we assumed that my dad was asleep and did some dirty talk. When we were done, I heard my dad laughing outside my room; he'd heard it all. FML

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By paranoid neighborhood - United States - Orlando

Today, I was walking back home from a party, when I received an email from our neighborhood watch. It said to beware, because a "thug-like" stranger with a white shirt and brown hair had entered the neighborhood. My hair is indeed brown and I was wearing a white shirt. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went out to dinner. The waiter was pretty cute. He greets us, "Hi my name is... (long pause) Jordan." Thinking he was flirting, I quickly smart back, "Are you confused?" He says, "No actually, I have a stutter." FML

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By Jyocka - Canada

Today, on a first date, I finished eating my sushi, feeling proud to have managed chopsticks so elegantly and then rubbed my eye, oblivious to the fact I had just touched some wasabi. What followed was a classy exhibition on how to jump around screeching in pain. FML

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By WaffleJesus - United States

Today, my husband is sulking because I wouldn't let him do what he's always wanted to do: throw our cat out the second floor window to see if she would land safely and on all fours. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home to find my dad drinking. Trying to be cheerful, I greeted him with a "Hi, dad!" He sighed, shook his head, and said "It hurts me when you call me that." FML

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By Glutton for Punishment. - France

Today, I got a separation agreement from my wife. It was sent from the lawyer she spent the long weekend with right before she told me it was over. FML

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By LP - United States - Madison

Today, I was at work copying some papers. The copier is below a shelf with lots of paper and signage, which suddenly flew off the hinge and hit me in the head as well as the copier. My boss ran in, asking, "Is the copier okay?" FML

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By samantha - United States

Today, I found out that after using several types of birth control, and being paranoid about pregnancy, I've been infertile for years. FML

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By just outdone - United States - Turtle Lake

Today, I've been staying with my parents while I have time off from school. They got drunk and started an entire family fight because my dad made pizza and my mom is lactose intolerant. She insists my dad did it on purpose because "he's an asshole and knows I can't eat cheese." FML

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By SoreNips - United Kingdom - Brentwood

Today, I was lying in bed with my girlfriend, when she reached over and twisted my nipples to the point of tears. I'm still not sure what in the name of Dawkins I did to deserve that. FML

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By hotmommy

Today, I went to the mall with my daughter. She asked me if she could go see Santa, so I said yes. She made me sit on his lap with her, and that's when I felt something on my bum. Let's just say Santa had a present for me. FML

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By Noname - France

Today, whilst brushing my teeth, I fell asleep poking myself in the eye with my toothbrush. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Moorhead

Today, my daughter finally gave birth to twin boys. She informed me that she named them Peregrin Took and Meriadoc Brandybuck. My grandsons are named after Hobbits. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2020 02:02

Can they do that?

Today, we got a call saying there was a police report filed against us, after my car got hit while I was at work a few days ago. They lied about everything, and now my insurance is dropping us FML

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By Heretique - Norway

Today, we had to evaluate each other in class. Apparently I'm a quarrelsome, uncommitted, commanding bitch. FML

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By Dumbdumb - United States

Today, at work a really hot guy came up to me and asked "what are your hours?" Excited, I told him I get off at 4 but might be able to get out sooner. He started laughing and then said "I meant your store hours". He turned around and walked away, shaking his head and laughing. FML

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Top comments

By ThorsSon | 0

#23315 - Monday 9 March 2009 19:31

Dude... you are getting laid... your woman is obviously enjoying it... she is not ashamed of it... and your neighbor is cool with it? If these are bad things for you, I will gladly come fill in for you.

By ZleveL | 0

#1014700 - Tuesday 1 June 2010 7:45

umm you are #9

COMMENTS

By mizled | 0

#12428 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 9:59

sounds fun. xD

By nwater | 0

#12662 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 15:44

That's funny as hell!!! You should be proud not FML you selfish depressed prick

Reply

Boomi | 38

#6689520 - Wednesday 14 September 2016 17:22

What's wrong with you?

By liaotin | 0

#21003 - Sunday 8 March 2009 6:48

...God, number 9, was that called for?

Anyway, you have cool neighbors.

Reply

ZleveL | 0

#1014700 - Tuesday 1 June 2010 7:45

umm you are #9

Reply

DisappearingRose | 18

#1271887 - Thursday 19 August 2010 20:21

they probably meant #8

By ThorsSon | 0

#23315 - Monday 9 March 2009 19:31

Dude... you are getting laid... your woman is obviously enjoying it... she is not ashamed of it... and your neighbor is cool with it? If these are bad things for you, I will gladly come fill in for you.

Reply

domolovesyoshi | 33

#5944327 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 5:20

I think the FML lies in the fact that he thinks the neighbour is getting off on listening to them have sex

By cshippee_8750 | 0

#40335 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 17:08

Why is this a FML? it sounds like you're pretty good and neihbor is awesome

By djtelekinesis | 0

#49506 - Sunday 22 March 2009 6:42

Dude, this is a FTW, not an FML.

By Empleh | 4

#83850 - Sunday 5 April 2009 8:10

Still waiting on the FML. That is a good thing bro.

By Jackthestripper | 0

#101467 - Saturday 11 April 2009 7:17

Nice work.

By miss_creecy | 0

#113038 - Wednesday 15 April 2009 11:38

haha, nice, even the neighbours are enjoying it! you must be doing an excellent job.

By Sportsfreak2034 | 0

#127497 - Monday 20 April 2009 21:44

creeper! haha