Work: Today, my work directory was updated to reflect my recent promotion....

By Muchacha22 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my work directory was updated to reflect my recent promotion. Due to lack of space, they abbreviated the title. I'm now listed as "Sr Anal". FML

I agree, your life sucks

13244

Phew, glad it wasn't me

1649

Favorite

Work

Proactive

This Charming Man

What did I do?

By wastedlove - United States

Today, I had sex with this guy who I like very much. As he went to leave I decided to give him one last thrill. So I reached down his pants and started to rub and stroke him. He abruptly pulled my hand out, when I asked why, he points behind me, my mom watched the whole thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27986

You deserved it

73640

Favorite

By trashcanned - United States

Today, it was really windy and rainy causing me to trip and knock into a little kid. While still gathering myself, I apologized and patted the kid on its' head. Then I see people around me starting to laugh. I turn and look at the kid, and discover I've been interacting with a trash can. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29662

You deserved it

52069

Favorite

By Anonymous - Israel

Today, I woke up late. My grandparents had slept over the night before but they usually left early. I heard someone in the kitchen and thinking it was my brother, I said "Thank god, the geriatric crew is FINALLY gone." My grandma responds, "No we're not." FML

I agree, your life sucks

8458

You deserved it

73878

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Imperial

Today, I was at a party, and someone called the cops on us. I dove into a bush that turned out to have thorns. I got multiple cuts and a sprained wrist, and got arrested anyway. Its kind of hard to hide from the police when you're screaming in agony. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42282

You deserved it

27883

Favorite

By thanksalot - United States

Today, I told my girlfriend that my grandma died, expecting to be comforted. She got mad at me for "stealing her thunder" because her cat died two days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50793

You deserved it

4477

Favorite

By Ed. - 20/7/2020 05:01

That Monday feeling

Today, I have to go into work for the first time since the Covid-19 lockdown. I've been working from home since March. Today was also the first time since going on lockdown that I cut myself shaving. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1153

You deserved it

202

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went on my first date in six years. The guy was unbelievably creepy, and I couldn't wait for it to be over. Right after we finished eating, he told me he loved me, then tried to lean in for a kiss. He looked like he was going to cry when I turned him down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23850

You deserved it

1951

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Gournay-sur-marne

Today, I went to see the school counselor to schedule my classes for school. She asked me if I knew how to speak English. My parents are Chinese and I don't even know how to speak Chinese. I've lived in America my whole life. Plus, I even spoke to her in English to ask about classes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49887

You deserved it

3871

Favorite

By C0olgirl - United States

Today, my best friend and I came home from Japan. Her boyfriend and I have been having an affair before I left so I decided not to tell him she was coming with me. We just got off the plane and got a bite to eat, he was waiting for me so he could propose, my best friend was standing next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19525

You deserved it

225591

Favorite

By 117halo12345 - United States - Sedgewickville

Today, I was showing my 4 year old some of my fire magic tricks. I ended up getting 2nd degree burns on my left hand and burnt off half of her hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12251

You deserved it

21606

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, feeling angry at the world, I threw a bottle, that had been clearly marked to be recycled, into a garbage can as an act of defiance. Minutes later, I guiltily retreated and spent the next few minutes with my entire arm stuck up the stinking ass of a city garbage can. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7095

You deserved it

36473

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - North Pole

Today, my husband and I stopped at a scenic overlook on top of a mountain. I looked down and noticed several small shells and excitedly called him over. I said, "I can't believe I found fossils here!" The moment it came out of my mouth, I realized they were pistachio shells. So did he. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8271

You deserved it

25253

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Woodridge

Today, a woman at the retirement home I work at told me she was new and asked me a few questions. I asked her when she moved in. She was a new coworker, not a new resident. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15677

You deserved it

12879

Favorite

By blabla - Brazil

Today, I rushed home during a torrential downpour. When I got back, I went to take a pee and took off my wet socks while I had the chance. Once I finished, I stood up with used toilet paper in one hand and wet socks in the other. Guess which I tossed into the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20244

You deserved it

12946

Favorite

By PiZzA_FaCe - United States

Today, I was working at a day care center. A 5 year old boy came up to me telling me he wanted to eat my face. Confused, I asked him why. He said, "Because your face looks like pizza." FML

I agree, your life sucks

52225

You deserved it

5236

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, my wife stopped halfway through a blowjob to check a notification on her phone for a game. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2025

You deserved it

353

Favorite

By FingerBang - Australia

Today, whilst holding a hand rail on a packed bus, I was rubbing my hand along, and playing with, what I thought was a join in the metal. It was an old woman's finger. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13035

You deserved it

34041

Favorite

By B-ran - France

Today, I was taking a dump at the Home Depot. After I was finished, I was bent over and pulling the toilet paper out of the holder. I pulled too hard, causing the dispenser lid to fling open and smack me on the back of the head. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8743

You deserved it

21553

Favorite

By Ribonuke211 - 12/8/2020 02:02

Territorial pissings

Today, I was menaced by a shirtless crackhead with an aluminum bat for, "parking in the wrong parking lot" - not parking spot, parking LOT - while delivering pizza to one of many nearby apartment buildings. I'm not allowed to carry a weapon to defend myself, unless I wanna shell out $75 for a Mag flashlight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1285

You deserved it

Favorite

By orangethonglover - United States

Today, I found out the real cause of my dog's illness that she had just recovered from. When my sister took her in to see the vet, the vet said my dog was constipated, and swallowed something orange. That orange thing happened to be my favorite thong. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39998

You deserved it

6258

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was working my job as a waitress near my college. I handed a customer her check, and she noticed that I had added her bill wrong. I apologized, and she pointed to my "student" labeled nametag, asking what I was studying. I said English. I'm a math major. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15053

You deserved it

46905

Favorite

By Jokkim - United States - Norfolk

Today, I found out I got a 97 on my physics final exam. I was curious about the question I missed, so I went up to my teacher and asked. He was very confused and checked my grade again before telling me, "Oh my bad, it was meant to be a 79." FML

I agree, your life sucks

15278

You deserved it

5472

Favorite

By smf_ds - Portugal - Rebordosa

Today, I witnessed my dad spreading his ass cheeks to show my mom the rashes his hemorrhoids are giving him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25001

You deserved it

2187

Favorite

By sofakingweetodit - United States

Today, I was shopping for pillows at Bed Bath and Beyond. My husband playfully picked up a pillow pretending to start a pillow fight. I grabbed the largest pillow and chased him with it. When I finally caught up with him, a manager came around the corner. I was escorted out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11624

You deserved it

34624

Favorite

By anonymous - United States - Casper

Today, I let my dad put my dollar in the slot machine for me because I'm not old enough to gamble. I won $200 but he kept it because he "put the dollar in the slot machine." FML

I agree, your life sucks

54478

You deserved it

10263

Favorite

By mildver - Costa Rica

First Dates

Today, I went to a date with a girl I thought liked me. We sat down at a restaurant, ordered some food and started talking. After 30 minutes, she said with a sigh of relief, "THANK GOD! There's my dad. Now I can leave. Bye, thanks for the dinner." The food hadn't even arrived yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

64085

You deserved it

4550

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband is completely convinced that his taking a massive dump after being constipated is exactly like the time I gave birth to our twins. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36168

You deserved it

4469

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my four year old told my mother-in-law that our house is haunted because she hears a ghost at night saying "oh" and daddy's name as if they're hurt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33905

You deserved it

18434

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while driving to work in heavy traffic, I got so into the song I was listening to that I tapped my foot on the gas to the beat. I rear-ended the car in front of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8685

You deserved it

48311

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, without thinking, I casually advised my mum that the best way to get the piping nozzle clean is to 'fingerfuck' it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10847

You deserved it

4806

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Westfield

Today, I went to my father's house to get my dog, since I had left it with him while I was on a business trip. When I got there, my dad said the dog pooped on the floor a few days ago, and so he took him to the pound. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15997

You deserved it

980

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Wilmington

Today, we got a new Roomba. I set it to clean and came back an hour later to find shit smears all over the floor. Apparently, one of my cats had done his business in the kitchen, and the Roomba had dragged it around the entire first floor of my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36519

You deserved it

5792

Favorite

By anonymous - United States - La Verne

Today, I searched our neighborhood for our lost dog. After screaming at the top of our lungs, driving around in circles, and asking strangers, we realized we took him to the groomers this morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7770

You deserved it

41553

Favorite

By joi9496

Today, at age 23, I met my absentee father. He went on about how much he missed me and wanted to know more about me. He then asked if I knew where he could get some good weed, and said he'd share it to make up for all the missed birthdays and Christmases. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5219

You deserved it

396

Favorite

By brokewithnocar

Today, my mom changed her mind about driving me to a job interview because she wants to attend a meeting at a church she told me she'd never go back to, full of people she hates. I can't drive because she refuses to teach me how. There's no public transportation. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6809

You deserved it

825

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend looked so unhappy in a photo we took that I downloaded an editing app, and edited the photo to make it look like he was smiling before posting it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1130

You deserved it

873

Favorite

By HAIRY - United States - Iowa City

Today, I was hanging out with some of my friends when I fell asleep. When I woke up, I found that they had shaved the F word into my arm. I don't know what is more disturbing: the fact that this is what my friends do for fun, or that I have enough arm hair to have four letters shaved into it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24039

You deserved it

4408

Favorite

By Caroline1812 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, while getting ice cream with a friend, her car got broken into. Nothing was taken except my backpack, which contained assignments making up 50% or more for grades in four separate classes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34061

You deserved it

2896

Favorite

By Andre

Today, I had a mumbled conversation with myself in a supermarket aisle about whether or not to buy a bottle of bourbon. Nothing screams "pathetic loser" like an alcoholic in denial having a debate with himself out loud near strangers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11931

You deserved it

31959

Favorite

By brokedick - United States

Today, after 5 years of no intimate, sexual contact with a woman, I finally got my chance. Unfortunately, I also discovered that I have full-on erectile dysfunction. I'm 23 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42221

You deserved it

4057

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By FueledByFate | 23

#6632652 - Monday 20 June 2016 23:22

I'm guessing that it's supposed to be "Sr. Analyst"? Let's hope that you can get it fixed. In the meanwhile, try not to sweat it. It'll be a fun story to laugh about someday!

By unadultfangirl | 20

#6632651 - Monday 20 June 2016 23:21

That's fantastic! Sir Anal of Phone Directory! Own it!

COMMENTS

By unadultfangirl | 20

#6632651 - Monday 20 June 2016 23:21

That's fantastic! Sir Anal of Phone Directory! Own it!

katachristic | 19

#6632926 - Tuesday 21 June 2016 7:17

Sr is generally "senior". I don't think OP wants to own anything having to do with senior anal.

VictoriaT519 | 18

#6634799 - Thursday 23 June 2016 15:09

I'm sure #1 understands Sr is an abbreviation of senior. Doubt she was thinking of Strontium, too.

By FueledByFate | 23

#6632652 - Monday 20 June 2016 23:22

I'm guessing that it's supposed to be "Sr. Analyst"? Let's hope that you can get it fixed. In the meanwhile, try not to sweat it. It'll be a fun story to laugh about someday!